I guess I'm gay. This is it. Im attracted to both men and women, but I get a stronger sexual reaction to women. I dont want to be gay. I'm with a boy who I love, but now I'm scared that I love my best friend instead of him. Before hocd I had no feelings for her at all. I dont want to have feelings for her. Before HOCD I didn't think I was gay, but because of comments that I saw yesterday it feels completely true now. I'd like to identify as straight, but that feels wrong because if I was healthy Id most likely want to be gay, right? I hope that isnt true. I'm not allowed to identify as straight because that's just proof that I'm in denial. I'm deep in denial. I want to die. I need help. But I can't afford help. I don't get a sexual response from looking at either gender now, which is very distressing because checking no longer works. I don't want my boyfriend to leave my life. I dont want to stop being intimate with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, and hugging him, and kissing him and having sex with him. I'm scared I'm only with him for reassurance now. I dont want to get help if that means leaving him, but now I'm scared that's because I want to be straight, not because I love him. The most fucked thing about this is when I first developed hocd it was when I was going through puberty. I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally look at a girls boobs or butts, not even because I had the inclination to. It started from there and for some reason I got the shit end of the stick and it developed into being true. Have I convinced myself that I'm gay and I'm really not? I've been dealing with this so long I honestly have no idea. This bothers me so much because it's all about sex. What the fuck does sex have to do with loving someone? Love is not sex. I fucking hate societies view on sex and sexuality. I'm scared that if I dont react to these supposed feeling for my friend then they'll haunt me for ever. I dont want to lose my boyfriend.

c444tmommy

Date posted: 4y ago

u can be sexually aroused by a gender and not be attracted to them! there’s plenty of straight women that get off to lesbian porn but still identify as straight. i think u should treat ur situation as hocd because it sounds like ur thoughts r based in fear and not desire.

whatifwhatif

Date posted: 4y ago

Hey there! I know what post you're talking about, it was incredibly triggering and ridiculous. First I want to tell you that, despite this being reassurance, when you're describing sounds exactly like hocd. Level of desperation that you're feeling, the loss of identity, and the fear are typical hocd symptoms. Just because there are gay people that struggle to accept that they are gay doesn't mean that you're in denial and you must be gay. Ultimately sexuality is so complex that you get to be what you want to be. Just because you're feeling attraction right now in women doesn't mean that you actually want them. it could just be a groinal response, which is a real and VALID symptom of hocd. It's your fear of being attracted to women manifesting into attraction. You don't have to be with women if it's not what you want!! And this isn't me being homophobic or in denial, it'd the simple truth!! Please, remember your ocd will do anything in this world to keep you from being YOU. It's extremely ego - distonic. And people feeding into that fear with "evidence" will only fuel your anxiety and negative thoughts. If you ever need to talk, i'm here. You can reach me through any social media. I'll gladly be your friend. Also, we have a group where we help each other deal with our ocd - if you'd like, please give me your insta!

Fathomable

Date posted: 4y ago

I'm not going to address the tangle you're in with regards to how you feel as I'm sure your opinion about your arousal/attraction changes frequently with your mood and with your checking. As Zoya says, it's common to be aroused by something but not want that in a relationship. And as hocdiskillingme says, you get to be what you want to be, you don't have to be with women whether or NOT you ever feel sexually attracted to them or one of them or some feature about them. It is indeed agreeing with your OCD which is the only thing able to force you into a life that isn't You. Your sexuality can't force you into it. But doing all this ruminating and panicking and all these other OCD symptoms are taking you to a mental place where you feel like you don't have a choice. Sexuality doesn't work like that, OCD definitely does. You're allowed to identify as straight and stay with your boyfriend. That's part of your right to your own sexuality and part of being true to yourself. You're not supposed to be true to black and white ideas of what you ought to do based on your arousal if doing that would cause you distress and would involve doing things you don't want to do. You don't want to "live in denial" of any sexual impulses you might have by not acting on them, but if you go down that road of following the black and white "should", you'd be denying so many other parts of who YOU are. Having an attraction or arousal and not acting on it would still be VALID. People are complicated, there's no sexuality police going around demanding you live your life differently other than the one in your head. You can definitely survive the thoughts which tell you you're in denial or being homophobic etc, and with treatment you can make them happen much less and seem much less reasonable. I assure you they aren't reasonable thoughts. And with ERP you can get to the place of knowing that too. Feelings aren't facts, ok? You seem like you're at rock bottom with nothing to lose, right? Please take a leap and treat the OCD. Whatever happens, you will be in charge of your life and you will not have these levels of distress I promise you.

hateocd123

Date posted: 4y ago

I have this intense feeling that I need to confess to my boyfriend that I'm gay

hateocd123

Date posted: 4y ago

@hateocd123 It's very hard to believe you

Fathomable

Date posted: 4y ago

@hateocd123 Been there! Well, not with the gay thing but with needing to confess what OCD insisted was the truth. I'm sorry you're at this point of distress :( right now we need to start with just bringing the when situation down to a lower level ok? Can't sort anything out while you're feeling this way. What's the time where you are? I'm pretty sure that whatever this is, whether you're gay or it's OCD or anything, no matter what, it wouldn't be urgent that you need to do that confession right this moment, yeah? Not right NOW. It feels like it's the right thing to do or a way to stop the intensity of the feelings or a way to test whether it feels right. Like it could bring a resolution and take all this away. I know. I've been there, I've followed through on it and it didn't help, it created a whole new problem. You don't need to do that right this moment, in fact you don't need to do it today. Promise yourself that you'll sort this problem out and make everything right in the future, that you'll find a way- but not right now. I want you to say that to your thoughts as much as possible for the rest of today. You don't need to know today. You and the world will both survive not having an answer or a resolution today. You deserve to get a bit of space from this and to feel a bit more calm, you seem very very upset and I feel so bad for you, I'd love to be able to give you a hug right now just so you're not alone with this in your head. You don't need to do it today, any of it. You don't have to decide your whole future path or have everything sorted out and ready, all today. You really don't. We can come back to it tomorrow. I'm interested in hearing where you feel like the process of treatment is falling down for you, which things are tripping you up and making you feel a bit stuck or too afraid. I'm sure that you can find a way through these woods with support. But more importantly, I really want you to take a step back from this just for the rest of today. Do some pleasant and calm things, let yourself think about or so something else for a while, and keep reminding your brain that you don't need to know right now. I promise you don't. If it all comes crashing down because you took a break from it today, you can come to my house and take me to the local lake and drown me. Just try to take a break and promise yourself you can figure this out starting tomorrow, and tell me how it goes.

hateocd123

Date posted: 4y ago

@Scoggy I will try

Ness

Date posted: 4y ago

Just so you know, even if it wasn’t HOCD, this is totally fine to feel this way towards both genders. I understand that it’s the ocd that is messing you up. Have you tried writing these emotions down? Like women vs men emotions?

Esosa

Date posted: 4y ago

If you can’t afford treatment, an OCD workbook may help. You can get them from amazon for $10. The one that I highly recommend is Needing to Know for Sure by Sally Winston

hateocd123

Date posted: 4y ago

I feel like some of my attraction to women was literally based around fear.

Ellie.

Date posted: 14w ago

I’m begging ANYONE help I can’t take it anymore!!

I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???

Relationship OCD

Mt2019

Date posted: 9w ago

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

vaiiolyn

Date posted: 26d ago

Lesbian with Sexual Orientation OCD

I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?

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