I guess I'm gay. This is it. Im attracted to both men and women, but I get a stronger sexual reaction to women. I dont want to be gay. I'm with a boy who I love, but now I'm scared that I love my best friend instead of him. Before hocd I had no feelings for her at all. I dont want to have feelings for her. Before HOCD I didn't think I was gay, but because of comments that I saw yesterday it feels completely true now. I'd like to identify as straight, but that feels wrong because if I was healthy Id most likely want to be gay, right? I hope that isnt true. I'm not allowed to identify as straight because that's just proof that I'm in denial. I'm deep in denial. I want to die. I need help. But I can't afford help. I don't get a sexual response from looking at either gender now, which is very distressing because checking no longer works. I don't want my boyfriend to leave my life. I dont want to stop being intimate with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, and hugging him, and kissing him and having sex with him. I'm scared I'm only with him for reassurance now. I dont want to get help if that means leaving him, but now I'm scared that's because I want to be straight, not because I love him. The most fucked thing about this is when I first developed hocd it was when I was going through puberty. I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally look at a girls boobs or butts, not even because I had the inclination to. It started from there and for some reason I got the shit end of the stick and it developed into being true. Have I convinced myself that I'm gay and I'm really not? I've been dealing with this so long I honestly have no idea. This bothers me so much because it's all about sex. What the fuck does sex have to do with loving someone? Love is not sex. I fucking hate societies view on sex and sexuality. I'm scared that if I dont react to these supposed feeling for my friend then they'll haunt me for ever. I dont want to lose my boyfriend.

u can be sexually aroused by a gender and not be attracted to them! there’s plenty of straight women that get off to lesbian porn but still identify as straight. i think u should treat ur situation as hocd because it sounds like ur thoughts r based in fear and not desire.

Hey there! I know what post you're talking about, it was incredibly triggering and ridiculous. First I want to tell you that, despite this being reassurance, when you're describing sounds exactly like hocd. Level of desperation that you're feeling, the loss of identity, and the fear are typical hocd symptoms. Just because there are gay people that struggle to accept that they are gay doesn't mean that you're in denial and you must be gay. Ultimately sexuality is so complex that you get to be what you want to be. Just because you're feeling attraction right now in women doesn't mean that you actually want them. it could just be a groinal response, which is a real and VALID symptom of hocd. It's your fear of being attracted to women manifesting into attraction. You don't have to be with women if it's not what you want!! And this isn't me being homophobic or in denial, it'd the simple truth!! Please, remember your ocd will do anything in this world to keep you from being YOU. It's extremely ego - distonic. And people feeding into that fear with "evidence" will only fuel your anxiety and negative thoughts. If you ever need to talk, i'm here. You can reach me through any social media. I'll gladly be your friend. Also, we have a group where we help each other deal with our ocd - if you'd like, please give me your insta!

I'm not going to address the tangle you're in with regards to how you feel as I'm sure your opinion about your arousal/attraction changes frequently with your mood and with your checking. As Zoya says, it's common to be aroused by something but not want that in a relationship. And as hocdiskillingme says, you get to be what you want to be, you don't have to be with women whether or NOT you ever feel sexually attracted to them or one of them or some feature about them. It is indeed agreeing with your OCD which is the only thing able to force you into a life that isn't You. Your sexuality can't force you into it. But doing all this ruminating and panicking and all these other OCD symptoms are taking you to a mental place where you feel like you don't have a choice. Sexuality doesn't work like that, OCD definitely does. You're allowed to identify as straight and stay with your boyfriend. That's part of your right to your own sexuality and part of being true to yourself. You're not supposed to be true to black and white ideas of what you ought to do based on your arousal if doing that would cause you distress and would involve doing things you don't want to do. You don't want to "live in denial" of any sexual impulses you might have by not acting on them, but if you go down that road of following the black and white "should", you'd be denying so many other parts of who YOU are. Having an attraction or arousal and not acting on it would still be VALID. People are complicated, there's no sexuality police going around demanding you live your life differently other than the one in your head. You can definitely survive the thoughts which tell you you're in denial or being homophobic etc, and with treatment you can make them happen much less and seem much less reasonable. I assure you they aren't reasonable thoughts. And with ERP you can get to the place of knowing that too. Feelings aren't facts, ok? You seem like you're at rock bottom with nothing to lose, right? Please take a leap and treat the OCD. Whatever happens, you will be in charge of your life and you will not have these levels of distress I promise you.

Just so you know, even if it wasn’t HOCD, this is totally fine to feel this way towards both genders. I understand that it’s the ocd that is messing you up. Have you tried writing these emotions down? Like women vs men emotions?

If you can’t afford treatment, an OCD workbook may help. You can get them from amazon for $10. The one that I highly recommend is Needing to Know for Sure by Sally Winston

I feel like some of my attraction to women was literally based around fear.