I guess I'm gay. This is it. Im attracted to both men and women, but I get a stronger sexual reaction to women. I dont want to be gay. I'm with a boy who I love, but now I'm scared that I love my best friend instead of him. Before hocd I had no feelings for her at all. I dont want to have feelings for her. Before HOCD I didn't think I was gay, but because of comments that I saw yesterday it feels completely true now. I'd like to identify as straight, but that feels wrong because if I was healthy Id most likely want to be gay, right? I hope that isnt true. I'm not allowed to identify as straight because that's just proof that I'm in denial. I'm deep in denial. I want to die. I need help. But I can't afford help. I don't get a sexual response from looking at either gender now, which is very distressing because checking no longer works. I don't want my boyfriend to leave my life. I dont want to stop being intimate with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, and hugging him, and kissing him and having sex with him. I'm scared I'm only with him for reassurance now. I dont want to get help if that means leaving him, but now I'm scared that's because I want to be straight, not because I love him. The most fucked thing about this is when I first developed hocd it was when I was going through puberty. I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally look at a girls boobs or butts, not even because I had the inclination to. It started from there and for some reason I got the shit end of the stick and it developed into being true. Have I convinced myself that I'm gay and I'm really not? I've been dealing with this so long I honestly have no idea. This bothers me so much because it's all about sex. What the fuck does sex have to do with loving someone? Love is not sex. I fucking hate societies view on sex and sexuality. I'm scared that if I dont react to these supposed feeling for my friend then they'll haunt me for ever. I dont want to lose my boyfriend.

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y

u can be sexually aroused by a gender and not be attracted to them! there’s plenty of straight women that get off to lesbian porn but still identify as straight. i think u should treat ur situation as hocd because it sounds like ur thoughts r based in fear and not desire.

whatifwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Hey there! I know what post you're talking about, it was incredibly triggering and ridiculous. First I want to tell you that, despite this being reassurance, when you're describing sounds exactly like hocd. Level of desperation that you're feeling, the loss of identity, and the fear are typical hocd symptoms. Just because there are gay people that struggle to accept that they are gay doesn't mean that you're in denial and you must be gay. Ultimately sexuality is so complex that you get to be what you want to be. Just because you're feeling attraction right now in women doesn't mean that you actually want them. it could just be a groinal response, which is a real and VALID symptom of hocd. It's your fear of being attracted to women manifesting into attraction. You don't have to be with women if it's not what you want!! And this isn't me being homophobic or in denial, it'd the simple truth!! Please, remember your ocd will do anything in this world to keep you from being YOU. It's extremely ego - distonic. And people feeding into that fear with "evidence" will only fuel your anxiety and negative thoughts. If you ever need to talk, i'm here. You can reach me through any social media. I'll gladly be your friend. Also, we have a group where we help each other deal with our ocd - if you'd like, please give me your insta!

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

I'm not going to address the tangle you're in with regards to how you feel as I'm sure your opinion about your arousal/attraction changes frequently with your mood and with your checking. As Zoya says, it's common to be aroused by something but not want that in a relationship. And as hocdiskillingme says, you get to be what you want to be, you don't have to be with women whether or NOT you ever feel sexually attracted to them or one of them or some feature about them. It is indeed agreeing with your OCD which is the only thing able to force you into a life that isn't You. Your sexuality can't force you into it. But doing all this ruminating and panicking and all these other OCD symptoms are taking you to a mental place where you feel like you don't have a choice. Sexuality doesn't work like that, OCD definitely does. You're allowed to identify as straight and stay with your boyfriend. That's part of your right to your own sexuality and part of being true to yourself. You're not supposed to be true to black and white ideas of what you ought to do based on your arousal if doing that would cause you distress and would involve doing things you don't want to do. You don't want to "live in denial" of any sexual impulses you might have by not acting on them, but if you go down that road of following the black and white "should", you'd be denying so many other parts of who YOU are. Having an attraction or arousal and not acting on it would still be VALID. People are complicated, there's no sexuality police going around demanding you live your life differently other than the one in your head. You can definitely survive the thoughts which tell you you're in denial or being homophobic etc, and with treatment you can make them happen much less and seem much less reasonable. I assure you they aren't reasonable thoughts. And with ERP you can get to the place of knowing that too. Feelings aren't facts, ok? You seem like you're at rock bottom with nothing to lose, right? Please take a leap and treat the OCD. Whatever happens, you will be in charge of your life and you will not have these levels of distress I promise you.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

I have this intense feeling that I need to confess to my boyfriend that I'm gay

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

@hateocd123 It's very hard to believe you

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@hateocd123 Been there! Well, not with the gay thing but with needing to confess what OCD insisted was the truth. I'm sorry you're at this point of distress :( right now we need to start with just bringing the when situation down to a lower level ok? Can't sort anything out while you're feeling this way. What's the time where you are? I'm pretty sure that whatever this is, whether you're gay or it's OCD or anything, no matter what, it wouldn't be urgent that you need to do that confession right this moment, yeah? Not right NOW. It feels like it's the right thing to do or a way to stop the intensity of the feelings or a way to test whether it feels right. Like it could bring a resolution and take all this away. I know. I've been there, I've followed through on it and it didn't help, it created a whole new problem. You don't need to do that right this moment, in fact you don't need to do it today. Promise yourself that you'll sort this problem out and make everything right in the future, that you'll find a way- but not right now. I want you to say that to your thoughts as much as possible for the rest of today. You don't need to know today. You and the world will both survive not having an answer or a resolution today. You deserve to get a bit of space from this and to feel a bit more calm, you seem very very upset and I feel so bad for you, I'd love to be able to give you a hug right now just so you're not alone with this in your head. You don't need to do it today, any of it. You don't have to decide your whole future path or have everything sorted out and ready, all today. You really don't. We can come back to it tomorrow. I'm interested in hearing where you feel like the process of treatment is falling down for you, which things are tripping you up and making you feel a bit stuck or too afraid. I'm sure that you can find a way through these woods with support. But more importantly, I really want you to take a step back from this just for the rest of today. Do some pleasant and calm things, let yourself think about or so something else for a while, and keep reminding your brain that you don't need to know right now. I promise you don't. If it all comes crashing down because you took a break from it today, you can come to my house and take me to the local lake and drown me. Just try to take a break and promise yourself you can figure this out starting tomorrow, and tell me how it goes.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

@Scoggy I will try

Ness

Date posted: 5y

Just so you know, even if it wasn’t HOCD, this is totally fine to feel this way towards both genders. I understand that it’s the ocd that is messing you up. Have you tried writing these emotions down? Like women vs men emotions?

Esosa

Date posted: 5y

If you can’t afford treatment, an OCD workbook may help. You can get them from amazon for $10. The one that I highly recommend is Needing to Know for Sure by Sally Winston

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

I feel like some of my attraction to women was literally based around fear.

Anonymous

Date posted: 20w

Am I even straight anymore?

I keep having this weird feeling none stop that it’s most likely not HOCD and most my feelings. Like I’ve suffered none stop distress and unwanted thoughts the past few days. But those thoughts after a bit just feel weird not the kind of discomfort but are just their and stale. When I look at a guy I don’t feel anything but my thoughts sometimes compliment his looks or personality which makes me doubt my sexuality. I’ve never felt this weirded out. Because I’ve always been straight and still believe I am but I’ve never even had an emotional connection to someone of the opposite gender in fact. My view of the female body has been ruined with none stop pornography addictions. I don’t believe I’m gay but I feel like it may just be denial instead of HOCD but all my symptoms are literally HOCD. I don’t hate the idea of gay people but I can’t imagine or see my heart going off to like someone of the same sex. I haven’t really had any meaningful real life friends besides online but that also ended a few months ago. My only friend ever online that was my friend for the longest of time was a queer but I never really cared about what he liked. Like yes at some point I did try to challenge him with his own feelings but that didn’t last long I just accepted what he liked and moved on. I’ve never even touched let alone held a long conversation with a female. I’ve always been timid and shy around them but I can just say that towards male as well. The gay feelings feel so real. The thoughts feel a bit natural to me but I don’t want this. But I hate how I can’t just move on and be myself and love women when those thoughts demand attention and an answer. It won’t quit it. If I try to do a compulsion it calms down but it quickly becomes a problem again. I’m lonely I don’t have any friends or past relationships I can even think of helping me with the emotions. I still believe I’m straight and I just can’t see myself with a guy. It just doesn’t feel right for me despite my lack of experiences. I just wanna go back to how I was happy and loving girls and not having to question if it was a real feeling or just my natural timid nature. Everytime I think these distressing thoughts I always just wanna sit down and close my eyes and sleep. Because that’s where I can have peace of self. It sucks but I’m so exhausted of having to deal with emotional distress and I can’t even focus on my job as much. I want to meet new people discover my love for women again but I’m scared in the process I may discover I may be gay. Because deep down I know I wouldn’t ever be happy with myself if my greatest fears where confirmed. My dream of always being a father with a loving women and kids would be torn away by something I never asked for. Yes I’m religious, yes I come from a place that homosexuals are usually seen in a bad light. I just hate feeling this emotion that I may not be what I thought and having my dreams torn apart maybe true. I’ve read MUTIPLE articles about HOCD and seen MUTIPLE videos. I’ve come to the realization that I most likely have it. But it’s still hard when the feelings of maybe being gay maybe true you know? I hope I get better I hope I don’t suffer. I just wanna be happy with myself and loving females and I don’t wanna hate myself for feeling an emotion that never occurred to me more then a few times.

Anonymous

Date posted: 13w

Hope you guys reply

I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.

youllwintheb...

Date posted: 7w

hocd

I feel like I'm lying to myself, like I just don't accept that I'm gay, I don't want to be gay, I don't want to feel any kind of attraction anymore, I want to go to a psychologist to find out if I really have hocd or if it's just an excuse, because it feels like I really am gay, but nothing was authentic, it all started with thoughts that made me panic extremely hard and I felt like crying and I had delusions, I don't understand why this is happening to me, I didn't like any boys before the thoughts appeared, but exactly one day after they appeared, all the boys were attractive, of all ages, I want to recover :( I'm only 17 years old, for about 2 months I've been having thoughts, I don't know what to do, I can't go to a psychologist, I need help :(

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