I guess I'm gay. This is it. Im attracted to both men and women, but I get a stronger sexual reaction to women. I dont want to be gay. I'm with a boy who I love, but now I'm scared that I love my best friend instead of him. Before hocd I had no feelings for her at all. I dont want to have feelings for her. Before HOCD I didn't think I was gay, but because of comments that I saw yesterday it feels completely true now. I'd like to identify as straight, but that feels wrong because if I was healthy Id most likely want to be gay, right? I hope that isnt true. I'm not allowed to identify as straight because that's just proof that I'm in denial. I'm deep in denial. I want to die. I need help. But I can't afford help. I don't get a sexual response from looking at either gender now, which is very distressing because checking no longer works. I don't want my boyfriend to leave my life. I dont want to stop being intimate with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, and hugging him, and kissing him and having sex with him. I'm scared I'm only with him for reassurance now. I dont want to get help if that means leaving him, but now I'm scared that's because I want to be straight, not because I love him. The most fucked thing about this is when I first developed hocd it was when I was going through puberty. I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally look at a girls boobs or butts, not even because I had the inclination to. It started from there and for some reason I got the shit end of the stick and it developed into being true. Have I convinced myself that I'm gay and I'm really not? I've been dealing with this so long I honestly have no idea. This bothers me so much because it's all about sex. What the fuck does sex have to do with loving someone? Love is not sex. I fucking hate societies view on sex and sexuality. I'm scared that if I dont react to these supposed feeling for my friend then they'll haunt me for ever. I dont want to lose my boyfriend.

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y ago

u can be sexually aroused by a gender and not be attracted to them! there’s plenty of straight women that get off to lesbian porn but still identify as straight. i think u should treat ur situation as hocd because it sounds like ur thoughts r based in fear and not desire.

whatifwhatif

Date posted: 5y ago

Hey there! I know what post you're talking about, it was incredibly triggering and ridiculous. First I want to tell you that, despite this being reassurance, when you're describing sounds exactly like hocd. Level of desperation that you're feeling, the loss of identity, and the fear are typical hocd symptoms. Just because there are gay people that struggle to accept that they are gay doesn't mean that you're in denial and you must be gay. Ultimately sexuality is so complex that you get to be what you want to be. Just because you're feeling attraction right now in women doesn't mean that you actually want them. it could just be a groinal response, which is a real and VALID symptom of hocd. It's your fear of being attracted to women manifesting into attraction. You don't have to be with women if it's not what you want!! And this isn't me being homophobic or in denial, it'd the simple truth!! Please, remember your ocd will do anything in this world to keep you from being YOU. It's extremely ego - distonic. And people feeding into that fear with "evidence" will only fuel your anxiety and negative thoughts. If you ever need to talk, i'm here. You can reach me through any social media. I'll gladly be your friend. Also, we have a group where we help each other deal with our ocd - if you'd like, please give me your insta!

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y ago

I'm not going to address the tangle you're in with regards to how you feel as I'm sure your opinion about your arousal/attraction changes frequently with your mood and with your checking. As Zoya says, it's common to be aroused by something but not want that in a relationship. And as hocdiskillingme says, you get to be what you want to be, you don't have to be with women whether or NOT you ever feel sexually attracted to them or one of them or some feature about them. It is indeed agreeing with your OCD which is the only thing able to force you into a life that isn't You. Your sexuality can't force you into it. But doing all this ruminating and panicking and all these other OCD symptoms are taking you to a mental place where you feel like you don't have a choice. Sexuality doesn't work like that, OCD definitely does. You're allowed to identify as straight and stay with your boyfriend. That's part of your right to your own sexuality and part of being true to yourself. You're not supposed to be true to black and white ideas of what you ought to do based on your arousal if doing that would cause you distress and would involve doing things you don't want to do. You don't want to "live in denial" of any sexual impulses you might have by not acting on them, but if you go down that road of following the black and white "should", you'd be denying so many other parts of who YOU are. Having an attraction or arousal and not acting on it would still be VALID. People are complicated, there's no sexuality police going around demanding you live your life differently other than the one in your head. You can definitely survive the thoughts which tell you you're in denial or being homophobic etc, and with treatment you can make them happen much less and seem much less reasonable. I assure you they aren't reasonable thoughts. And with ERP you can get to the place of knowing that too. Feelings aren't facts, ok? You seem like you're at rock bottom with nothing to lose, right? Please take a leap and treat the OCD. Whatever happens, you will be in charge of your life and you will not have these levels of distress I promise you.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

I have this intense feeling that I need to confess to my boyfriend that I'm gay

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

@hateocd123 It's very hard to believe you

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y ago

@hateocd123 Been there! Well, not with the gay thing but with needing to confess what OCD insisted was the truth. I'm sorry you're at this point of distress :( right now we need to start with just bringing the when situation down to a lower level ok? Can't sort anything out while you're feeling this way. What's the time where you are? I'm pretty sure that whatever this is, whether you're gay or it's OCD or anything, no matter what, it wouldn't be urgent that you need to do that confession right this moment, yeah? Not right NOW. It feels like it's the right thing to do or a way to stop the intensity of the feelings or a way to test whether it feels right. Like it could bring a resolution and take all this away. I know. I've been there, I've followed through on it and it didn't help, it created a whole new problem. You don't need to do that right this moment, in fact you don't need to do it today. Promise yourself that you'll sort this problem out and make everything right in the future, that you'll find a way- but not right now. I want you to say that to your thoughts as much as possible for the rest of today. You don't need to know today. You and the world will both survive not having an answer or a resolution today. You deserve to get a bit of space from this and to feel a bit more calm, you seem very very upset and I feel so bad for you, I'd love to be able to give you a hug right now just so you're not alone with this in your head. You don't need to do it today, any of it. You don't have to decide your whole future path or have everything sorted out and ready, all today. You really don't. We can come back to it tomorrow. I'm interested in hearing where you feel like the process of treatment is falling down for you, which things are tripping you up and making you feel a bit stuck or too afraid. I'm sure that you can find a way through these woods with support. But more importantly, I really want you to take a step back from this just for the rest of today. Do some pleasant and calm things, let yourself think about or so something else for a while, and keep reminding your brain that you don't need to know right now. I promise you don't. If it all comes crashing down because you took a break from it today, you can come to my house and take me to the local lake and drown me. Just try to take a break and promise yourself you can figure this out starting tomorrow, and tell me how it goes.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

@Scoggy I will try

Ness

Date posted: 5y ago

Just so you know, even if it wasn’t HOCD, this is totally fine to feel this way towards both genders. I understand that it’s the ocd that is messing you up. Have you tried writing these emotions down? Like women vs men emotions?

Esosa

Date posted: 5y ago

If you can’t afford treatment, an OCD workbook may help. You can get them from amazon for $10. The one that I highly recommend is Needing to Know for Sure by Sally Winston

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y ago

I feel like some of my attraction to women was literally based around fear.

MemyselfandI0

Date posted: 19w ago

I want my life back

I feel so sad, alone, scared and hopeless. Until two months ago there was not even the remote possibility of being anything other than heterosexual and now the idea that I could find out that I was lesbian or bisexual terrifies me to death. Everything was born from the fact that I didn't feel sexual desire towards my ex-boyfriend and I started to be afraid that it was because I was a lesbian... how can I be a lesbian or bisexual if everything was born from this? I would like to run away from myself and my head. I would really like to go back and go back to my life before. I can't take it anymore. I just want to live my life like before

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 16w ago

Pls I need advice

I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now

LiaExe28

Date posted: 15w ago

Pats crush groinal response

Idk what else to title this. I was watching a film cooper video cuz why not and he mentioned smthn about wall paper customization and icons and stuff and I just kinda had a groinal response followed by the memory of me having my first crush on a woman (my friend at the time) that helped me figure out that I’m bi and I felt kinda intensely for her but that’s cuz a) it was new and b) we were kinda on again off again friends who haven’t spoken in a few years now and I’m over her entirely. It was toxic I think. She was too much like the person who bullied me in elementary school (they were friends as well so my mom made me cut her off which is. Fair. Made me really sad but eh that’s life) I saw her at prom cuz someone brought her. It was nice to see her but yeah that was it. And now I’m mentally comparing what I felt for women in the past (idk intense crush, listening to a lot of gay songs (think she by dodie) dressing semi masc cuz funky, we had nicknames for each other despite not dating or anything) to men (less intense crush but still big crush, I’ve only dated and kissed men so sparks rhere) and now I’m just slightly nauseous and worried that I don’t like men as much as I like women but I think that’s normal for any bi person? To have different levels of attraction to different genders? Idk I feel gross and icky now like I shouldn’t even be thinking about it or her cuz I have a bf. And I do look fondly upon it, now I’m nervous cuz I got more excited about her calling me a specific nickname than I do from my bf calling me honey even at the beginning? Honey felt more traditional and I love it but we do switch around nicknames and it’s always nice, not many butterflies anymore, and sometimes I get anxious when he does lately, if it’s a nickname in Portuguese. Or if he called me a shortened version of my name. What does that mean? I’m nervous now. I was doing half decently today now I’m nauseous again. I’m worried that cuz I liked the nicknames she and I had that means I don’t like the ones my bf and I have and that I just don’t like him or men cuz I’ve been feeling off around him. But I love when he calls me honey, it still feels good when he does it now but no butterflies. Idk what’s wrong with me. Is it even ocd at this point. Even if I do like women slightly more it doesn’t erase that I love my bf. I’m worried I’m leaning too much towards women tho and I’m a lesbian. Idk if my bi cycle is cycling or if I’m just a lesbian entirely cuz I don’t feel much when my bf takes off his shirt, sex feels different, and things feel stale and slow. But maybe that’s cuz I’m checking and comparing. Now I’m anxious fuck. I’m trying not to think about her idk why. I’m worried I still find her attractive or am attracted to her or smthn. She’s in my city. I didn’t care before but now I do. Or if I think about her I’ll think about other women and will only want to have sec with women which not really tbh. I wanna be able to enjoy sec with my bf. It just hasn’t felt right lately cuz I’ve been so depressed and obsessive. I wasn’t obsessing much last night when we had sex but it still didn’t feel passionate. It didn’t feel uncomfortable but I thought it’d be more? Idk. I know it’s normal to not feel him inside me cuz the vagina isn’t very nerved up compared to the clitoris but it felt like more the motions. But tbh. I needed it. Idk I wanted to have sex and it was a nice stress relief. I just didn’t feel butterflies which kinda bummed me out but we’ve been having sex since august so that’s normal. Idk. I haven’t been able to fantasize about sex. The fact that I’m bi makes all of this so confusing. Cuz yes hypothetically I can enjoy the thought of sex with a woman. But I don’t want to rn cuz I’m dating a man. And I can’t fantasize about sex with him cuz I’m getting intrusive thoughts about my friends and I having sex. I have this urge to watch porn cuz it’s been a while but I’m not going to. I’ve cut down a lot on masturbation. Partially cuz this partially cuz I wanna do things with my bf (when I’m mentally ok) but jow my brain is saying “Oo you think all these women are so hot you’re gonna go feral blah blah blah” and yes women are hot but I don’t wanna have sex with a woman. Idk saying women are hot doesn’t bring me anxiety but the thought of sex with one or leaving my bf and saying I’m a lesbian bother me. Cuz I know it’s not true. I love him I know that. I’d be happy if we stayed together. I wouldn’t regret a thing honestly. I like having sex with him. Idc if it’s not like porn or the movies. As long as I’m being pleasured and he’s being pleasured we’re good. That’s what sex is about. I think the loss of butterflies is normal cuz the excitement of like (sorry tmi) fingering and oral eventually wears off right? But still feels good. I don’t feel as excited about intimacy anymore cuz we have done it so often but it still feels nice. But my brain perceives that as me not liking sex with men and therefore I’m gay. No I just don’t feel the need to jump his bones every single time I see him?? Idk the friend thing is bothering me. Idk if I feel any joy behind it. The groinal response really really throws my perception off

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