I guess I'm gay. This is it. Im attracted to both men and women, but I get a stronger sexual reaction to women. I dont want to be gay. I'm with a boy who I love, but now I'm scared that I love my best friend instead of him. Before hocd I had no feelings for her at all. I dont want to have feelings for her. Before HOCD I didn't think I was gay, but because of comments that I saw yesterday it feels completely true now. I'd like to identify as straight, but that feels wrong because if I was healthy Id most likely want to be gay, right? I hope that isnt true. I'm not allowed to identify as straight because that's just proof that I'm in denial. I'm deep in denial. I want to die. I need help. But I can't afford help. I don't get a sexual response from looking at either gender now, which is very distressing because checking no longer works. I don't want my boyfriend to leave my life. I dont want to stop being intimate with him. I love talking to him, holding his hand, and hugging him, and kissing him and having sex with him. I'm scared I'm only with him for reassurance now. I dont want to get help if that means leaving him, but now I'm scared that's because I want to be straight, not because I love him. The most fucked thing about this is when I first developed hocd it was when I was going through puberty. I'd be terrified that I'd accidentally look at a girls boobs or butts, not even because I had the inclination to. It started from there and for some reason I got the shit end of the stick and it developed into being true. Have I convinced myself that I'm gay and I'm really not? I've been dealing with this so long I honestly have no idea. This bothers me so much because it's all about sex. What the fuck does sex have to do with loving someone? Love is not sex. I fucking hate societies view on sex and sexuality. I'm scared that if I dont react to these supposed feeling for my friend then they'll haunt me for ever. I dont want to lose my boyfriend.

c444tmommy

Date posted: 5y

u can be sexually aroused by a gender and not be attracted to them! there’s plenty of straight women that get off to lesbian porn but still identify as straight. i think u should treat ur situation as hocd because it sounds like ur thoughts r based in fear and not desire.

whatifwhatif

Date posted: 5y

Hey there! I know what post you're talking about, it was incredibly triggering and ridiculous. First I want to tell you that, despite this being reassurance, when you're describing sounds exactly like hocd. Level of desperation that you're feeling, the loss of identity, and the fear are typical hocd symptoms. Just because there are gay people that struggle to accept that they are gay doesn't mean that you're in denial and you must be gay. Ultimately sexuality is so complex that you get to be what you want to be. Just because you're feeling attraction right now in women doesn't mean that you actually want them. it could just be a groinal response, which is a real and VALID symptom of hocd. It's your fear of being attracted to women manifesting into attraction. You don't have to be with women if it's not what you want!! And this isn't me being homophobic or in denial, it'd the simple truth!! Please, remember your ocd will do anything in this world to keep you from being YOU. It's extremely ego - distonic. And people feeding into that fear with "evidence" will only fuel your anxiety and negative thoughts. If you ever need to talk, i'm here. You can reach me through any social media. I'll gladly be your friend. Also, we have a group where we help each other deal with our ocd - if you'd like, please give me your insta!

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

I'm not going to address the tangle you're in with regards to how you feel as I'm sure your opinion about your arousal/attraction changes frequently with your mood and with your checking. As Zoya says, it's common to be aroused by something but not want that in a relationship. And as hocdiskillingme says, you get to be what you want to be, you don't have to be with women whether or NOT you ever feel sexually attracted to them or one of them or some feature about them. It is indeed agreeing with your OCD which is the only thing able to force you into a life that isn't You. Your sexuality can't force you into it. But doing all this ruminating and panicking and all these other OCD symptoms are taking you to a mental place where you feel like you don't have a choice. Sexuality doesn't work like that, OCD definitely does. You're allowed to identify as straight and stay with your boyfriend. That's part of your right to your own sexuality and part of being true to yourself. You're not supposed to be true to black and white ideas of what you ought to do based on your arousal if doing that would cause you distress and would involve doing things you don't want to do. You don't want to "live in denial" of any sexual impulses you might have by not acting on them, but if you go down that road of following the black and white "should", you'd be denying so many other parts of who YOU are. Having an attraction or arousal and not acting on it would still be VALID. People are complicated, there's no sexuality police going around demanding you live your life differently other than the one in your head. You can definitely survive the thoughts which tell you you're in denial or being homophobic etc, and with treatment you can make them happen much less and seem much less reasonable. I assure you they aren't reasonable thoughts. And with ERP you can get to the place of knowing that too. Feelings aren't facts, ok? You seem like you're at rock bottom with nothing to lose, right? Please take a leap and treat the OCD. Whatever happens, you will be in charge of your life and you will not have these levels of distress I promise you.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

I have this intense feeling that I need to confess to my boyfriend that I'm gay

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

@hateocd123 It's very hard to believe you

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

@hateocd123 Been there! Well, not with the gay thing but with needing to confess what OCD insisted was the truth. I'm sorry you're at this point of distress :( right now we need to start with just bringing the when situation down to a lower level ok? Can't sort anything out while you're feeling this way. What's the time where you are? I'm pretty sure that whatever this is, whether you're gay or it's OCD or anything, no matter what, it wouldn't be urgent that you need to do that confession right this moment, yeah? Not right NOW. It feels like it's the right thing to do or a way to stop the intensity of the feelings or a way to test whether it feels right. Like it could bring a resolution and take all this away. I know. I've been there, I've followed through on it and it didn't help, it created a whole new problem. You don't need to do that right this moment, in fact you don't need to do it today. Promise yourself that you'll sort this problem out and make everything right in the future, that you'll find a way- but not right now. I want you to say that to your thoughts as much as possible for the rest of today. You don't need to know today. You and the world will both survive not having an answer or a resolution today. You deserve to get a bit of space from this and to feel a bit more calm, you seem very very upset and I feel so bad for you, I'd love to be able to give you a hug right now just so you're not alone with this in your head. You don't need to do it today, any of it. You don't have to decide your whole future path or have everything sorted out and ready, all today. You really don't. We can come back to it tomorrow. I'm interested in hearing where you feel like the process of treatment is falling down for you, which things are tripping you up and making you feel a bit stuck or too afraid. I'm sure that you can find a way through these woods with support. But more importantly, I really want you to take a step back from this just for the rest of today. Do some pleasant and calm things, let yourself think about or so something else for a while, and keep reminding your brain that you don't need to know right now. I promise you don't. If it all comes crashing down because you took a break from it today, you can come to my house and take me to the local lake and drown me. Just try to take a break and promise yourself you can figure this out starting tomorrow, and tell me how it goes.

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

@Scoggy I will try

Ness

Date posted: 5y

Just so you know, even if it wasn’t HOCD, this is totally fine to feel this way towards both genders. I understand that it’s the ocd that is messing you up. Have you tried writing these emotions down? Like women vs men emotions?

Esosa

Date posted: 5y

If you can’t afford treatment, an OCD workbook may help. You can get them from amazon for $10. The one that I highly recommend is Needing to Know for Sure by Sally Winston

hateocd123

Date posted: 5y

I feel like some of my attraction to women was literally based around fear.

youllwintheb...

Date posted: 21w

hocd

I feel like I'm lying to myself, like I just don't accept that I'm gay, I don't want to be gay, I don't want to feel any kind of attraction anymore, I want to go to a psychologist to find out if I really have hocd or if it's just an excuse, because it feels like I really am gay, but nothing was authentic, it all started with thoughts that made me panic extremely hard and I felt like crying and I had delusions, I don't understand why this is happening to me, I didn't like any boys before the thoughts appeared, but exactly one day after they appeared, all the boys were attractive, of all ages, I want to recover :( I'm only 17 years old, for about 2 months I've been having thoughts, I don't know what to do, I can't go to a psychologist, I need help :(

ryan_12

Date posted: 19w

What is this ?

Hey everyone, I’m reaching out because I’ve been going through one of the hardest mental spirals of my life, and I’m hoping someone can relate or shed light on what’s happening to me. About 4 months ago, I accidentally came across a trans porn scene. It didn’t do much at the time, but later it triggered this overwhelming intrusive thought: “What if I’m gay?” Since then, it’s been absolute hell. I’ve always been into women—emotionally, sexually, everything. I’ve been in a long-term relationship with a girl I love deeply. But after that moment, my brain started spiraling into nonstop analysis. I began checking how I felt around men, whether I felt attraction, whether I was in denial, whether I was lying to myself. Literally everything became a test. I got stuck in this loop: • A thought pops in → panic • Try to solve it → brief relief • Another thought → worse panic • Repeat. At times, it got so bad I couldn’t feel anything at all—toward my girlfriend, toward women, toward myself. I started doubting everything. Some days, I feel emotionally flat, like I’ve lost my personality. Other days, I wake up with a full-body jolt of “truth” like “I’m definitely gay”—only for it to fade into numbness again. I’ve also noticed that I get short bursts of peace when I stop reacting, but then the fear comes back louder, like “See? Now you’re accepting it. That means it’s true.” Therapy hasn’t helped much so far—it felt more like general counseling. They told me to sit with the thoughts, but didn’t clarify if this was OCD, identity questioning, or trauma. That just made it worse because now I’m back to thinking “What if I’m just rejecting my truth?” I’m exhausted. I’ve lost connection to everything I used to love. • I want to love my girl again the way I used to • I want to feel desire without overthinking • I want to trust myself again I’m not looking for reassurance—I just want to know if anyone else has gone through something like this, and if this sounds like HOCD or identity OCD. Thanks for reading.

Mimo116

Date posted: 19w

I have HOCD,pls answer and share your opinion

I really need help understanding what I’m going through. For a long time now, I’ve been struggling with thoughts and feelings about women that confuse and scare me. Sometimes I feel this strange emotional or mental ‘pull’ toward certain women — it’s not exactly sexual, and not clearly romantic either, but it feels like something, and it triggers deep anxiety. When I see a beautiful woman or a WLW (woman-loving-woman) couple, I feel something that I can’t explain — sometimes I think it’s just admiration or aesthetic appreciation, but OCD keeps telling me: “You felt something, so you must be gay,” or “You’re hiding something.” I get stuck in endless loops, trying to analyze these moments and label them. Even when I feel physical or emotional reactions, they don’t feel natural or aligned with who I am. They feel like a reaction to the idea of women, not real attraction. I try to be honest with myself — I even told a friend I might be bisexual at some point, just to test if that felt more comfortable. But it didn’t. It made things worse, and I felt like I lost touch with who I am. I don’t want to lie to myself or live in denial, but I’m exhausted. It feels like I’m being mentally forced to feel something that isn’t mine. I’m 14, and I understand that things might still be developing, but I can’t help feeling like I’ve always been drawn to men, and never naturally wanted women that way. Still, I keep doubting everything. Is this real attraction or OCD feeding false feelings and thoughts? Can OCD create emotional or mental sensations that feel like desire? I’m so scared that I’ll lose myself, or find out something I never wanted. I just want peace and to feel like myself again.

Sexual Orientation OCD

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