Can Suicidal OCD make you reach a state where you believe that you really want to die and in turn feel complete hopelessness and depression to the point where you are unable to function at all? I’ve reached this point and the thoughts still cause me so much distress and I feel like I’m in great danger.

Thank you for reaching out. This is the first time somebody says something that makes so much sense to me. There is this urge of believing I want to die that actually causes me so much distress. I feel like it is drowning me into this depressive state and I’m continuously relating every emotion/feeling to suicide. Did you also struggle with functioning at all? I’ve lost interest in things and I barely ever leave my bed. I had started online therapy and was diagnosed with existential and suicidal OCD but there were payment issues so I’m waiting until everything clears up to travel to Canada and seek treatment there.

@Ibbies Yeah!! I struggled with functioning a lot and have a pretty shaky sense of identity since it all happened in my formative years and the only things I would do were things I felt obligated to do (such as play on a basketball team I was committed to and go to school). I lost interest in everything I used to love including really close friends of mine and honestly am just regaining that interest in interests and people in the very recent past. I remember when I was at my worst it felt like my soul was being sucked out of me when I left my bed in the mornings to live another day. Where are you living right now? Also I have always felt like I might have existential ocd. Do you mind if I ask you what your experience with that had been? ? I hope you are doing okay ?

@Emmaaaahh I’m sorry that you went through this but I think it’s very good that you’ve managed to keep doing the things you were sort of obligated to do. I’ve had trouble functioning at all recently and it’s very difficult. Well, I’m currently living in Egypt and unfortunately there aren’t a lot of OCD specialists here so it’s hard for doctors to know exactly what’s going on. I was diagnosed with PTSD by my first psychiatrist since I had health anxiety for 6 months before this theme. Existential OCD for me is all about thinking everything is just meaningless and that we’re all going to die anyways so there’s no point in anything. It’s also about continuously asking questions on whether there is a divine power up there or not. So basically how it would go is I think of doing anything like watching TV or eating etc., and then my mind would suddenly go like “There’s no point of doing anything it’s all just meaningless” and so then my Suicidal OCD would hit hard telling me that I want to kill myself and then all of the anxiety and distress would come in. It’s been very hard to cope with this during quarantine and I have this urge inside of me that’s making me believe I truly want to die and that just makes me deal with so much distress.

@Ibbies Wow that sounds awful I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. My OCD tends to shift themes depending on what I’m going through in my life. I had a really bad episode with existential ocd and suicidal ocd in a really similar way to you actually! I couldn’t stop thinking what the meaning of life was and who controls everything and I couldn’t help but feel like there was no purpose to life, then I would start panicking that maybe I was depressed and what if I killed myself. The amount of guilt that came with those thoughts was so intense but they felt so real. The biggest issue for me was not knowing it was OCD because I truly believed that I wanted to die just “out of the blue” and my doctor didn’t recognize this as OCD combined with BPD (which is what I later learned I was going through). I’ve definitely found quarantine has made my existential OCD resurface. I’ve been trying to accept that life is meaningless but trying to also take the perspective that it’s so crazy and unlikely and it’s a gift to experience. It is SO hard to think this way. The days I can think that way are incredible, but sometimes there’s this little voice in the back of my head saying “what’s the point?” I’m so glad you have access to this app at the very least, and it seems like you have quite a good understanding of your OCD, but I’m so sorry that it’s hard for you to find help. Hang in there, because when you do find it you’ll be stronger than ever and I promise you can find relief from this awful disease, and it is 100% worth it! It’s so nice to talk to somebody who understands so feel free to reach out anytime!

@Emmaaaahh I actually just got back from an appointment with my psychiatrist and I kept telling him how I really feel like I want to die and that these thoughts feel so real and he told me that I’m not in danger and that it’s just an obsession. I just truly feel like I didn’t give him enough information to correctly diagnose me. I also feel like I just want to die out of the blue and whenever anybody asks me, I don’t have an answer other than that I don’t want this life (that also boosts my anxiety). I don’t know if you would mind but I would really appreciate it if you told me more about your experience with Suicidal OCD. I can see that you managed to do things you felt obligated to do but I feel like for me, I’m unable to even leave the bad to the point where I decided to quit work until I get treatment. I can’t seem to believe that OCD is capable of destroying my life this much. It would mean so much to me if you could explain to me your experience so that I would atleast know that I’m not going insane because I’m really starting to think I am.

@Ibbies Sometimes i just feel like life isnt worth living with ocd (hocd)

@js94 You mean Homosexuality OCD or Harm OCD?

@Ibbies Homo

@Ibbies Of course I can share more with you! You are not insane. I know that suicidal ocd can definitely make you feel like you are and I have been there. For me when my suicidal ocd was at its peak, I didn’t actually know that I had ocd. I thought that I was actually suicidal, and that my thoughts were my own, but I wouldn’t think these thoughts all the time, so I would have these weird “depressive episodes” where I would really feel like I wanted to die for some reason, and then it would go away (when the thoughts would go away). It wasn’t enough to warrant a diagnosis of depression because it wasn’t frequent enough and I didn’t have really a plan to carry it out I just got the weird thoughts and then I would start believing that they were mine and get anxious that I was becoming depressed. The thoughts started becoming more and more frequent and it sent me into something that my doctor misdiagnosed as major depressive disorder, but the reality was I just couldn’t stop obsessing over the fact that I wanted to die despite my life being like pretty good and how I would let everyone down if i did it and there was just this intense guilt that came with it if that makes sense, but the thoughts felt so real. At this point I had no clue what OCD was and that it was what I was experiencing. I would compulsively think things to counteract it to either guilt myself out of thinking that way or just completely shut it down, like “no you don’t want to die” and it’s almost as if I was arguing with my mind and it frequently ended with me shaking and in tears. The thoughts got so strong, and since I didn’t know I was dealing with OCD, I actually attempted suicide. I felt as though it was only half an attempt because I had could have taken a lot more pills than I did, but at that point I just didn’t care what happened so I was leaving it up to fate. When I survived it, I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted and felt guilty for doing it and thinking it. After that my OCD theme kind of shifted to health OCD and perfectionism, but suicidal OCD came back strong in university when I moved into residence. I remember one day it got so bad that I was walking around campus, picturing all of the ways that I could kill myself. I came to a rocky river and was standing on the edge, and it was like my mind was at war. I truly felt like I was going crazy. Half of me was telling me “do it just jump you want to die why wouldn’t you” and half of me was making me feel absolutely terrible for even considering it. Thankfully I listened to the voice that told me I wanted to live and what I wanted to live for. At this point I still had no clue this was OCD I was dealing with and just felt absolutely crazy. After that I confessed to campus security that I almost killed myself and they wanted to take me to the hospital but the urge had subsided and I felt like I could go back to my residence. I was misdiagnosed with ADHD not long after, put on stimulant medications, and after that i started to have OCD themes I had never experienced before (like being unable to stop thinking about my breathing and swallowing while on the bus) and being scared that sitting next to certain people on the bus was being racist or sexist when I really just wanted to sit down. I was overthinking absolutely EVERYTHING. It was at this point I learned about OCD and that I had it since childhood but the themes had been changing as I grew older. I know you feel like you’re going insane right now but there is hope! The very fact that you’re scared of that voice in your head telling you that you want to die means that you don’t want to die. What helped me get over my suicidal ocd was erp. If you could ask your psychiatrist to refer you to someone who does ERP that would be best, especially when it comes to suicidal OCD. I actually got my boyfriend to help me with mine. Things that helped me were to imagine myself committing suicide (I would stand on my balcony and think about what would happen if I jumped off and really visualized it). It was so uncomfortable and anxiety provoking but after doing it for a while with my boyfriend next to me i started to become less anxious and able to think that it was a possibilty, but I ultimately had the choice. I felt like I had gained control again. Responding to your “suicidal thoughts” with “maybe I do want to die” and sitting with the anxiety that causes is a great place to start as well. If those are too distressing (and I’m so sorry if this was distressing to read but I really wanted to be honest with you about my experience), I found meditation to really help me as well. There is a meditation on the app simple habit that helped me tremendously called “make friends with your mind” by Matt Young. I hope that helped a little at least. Just know you’re not alone and you will get through this no matter how insane you feel right now. You’ve got me in your corner rooting for you!!! Please reach out anytime if you wanna chat ? you’re an incredible person and remember that you are NOT your thoughts ? sorry for the novel I just wrote you ?

@Emmaaaahh I’d like to start off by thanking you so much for sharing this story with me. You have no idea how helpful every word you say is. I truly loved the novel! I’m also very sorry that you had to go through so much without having somebody tell you straight up that it’s purely just OCD. Your experience seems so similar to mine to the point where I can feel deep down that it’s really just OCD messing with my brain. It seems like ERP really is essential for treatment, it’s just that I have to wait a while to start. My story is a bit complicated so I would have to explain further to you if you won’t get bored haha. Would you mind chatting on any social media platform or even Whatsapp? If you’re uncomfortable with that, it’s fine I completely understand. It’s just that having somebody to talk to who knows exactly what you’re going through feels great and I really am in so much distress to the point where I just feel completely hopeless.

@Emmaaaahh hi, i just wanted to let you know how helpful i have found this. i’m struggling with suicidal ocd at the moment x

@cwllms I’m so happy to hear this, stay strong like I already know you are and feel free to ask me any questions or just talk if you need to talk to someone!!

@Emmaaaahh I am going through this right now. If you are still active, I’d love to know how you’ve been.

Oh okay, that’s great then! I’m fine with Whatsapp or Instagram, whichever you prefer more ?

@Emmaaaahh hey, i read your story, and it made me feel so much better. i feel like i read these stories but then i freak out again when im with my thoughts. i constantly feel like im not real and its so scary. i was diagnosed with anxiety and ocd and 9. i’m 18 now and idk what exactly triggered my suicidal ocd. i think it was maybe reality hitting me that im on my own now in university and not into my routine i was for the past 15 years. i love my life and i have such a fear of being suicidal. i don’t have a plan and i don’t want a plan. but it feels like the darkness is chasing me. how effective has erp been for you after all this time.