I'm having a dilemma right now where I have trouble distinguishing between ocd symptoms and general life problems. I would love to get some insight. So, my husband and I recently moved into an apartment in an old building. The walls are quite thin and we can sometimes hear the neighbours going about their day — talking, cooking etc. I quickly got used to it and didn't think much of it. However, a few weeks ago the neighbours downstairs put a note in our mailbox. It basically said that we had been disturbing them constantly for months. It wasn't signed, but it was worded in such a way that I concluded it must be from the person in the apartment right under ours. I panicked, but decided the best thing to do was make amends right away so I went down to apologize. It was a very confusing conversation, because the person answering the door wouldn't tell me if she had written the note or not. But she said she appreciated the sentiment and we ended up on reasonably good terms. Of course, I then spent days ruminating about the whole thing. I am now terrified of disturbing her or the other neighbours again. I try to avoid anything that could potentially make too much noise (playing loud music, clattering with dishes etc). The trouble is, I feel like I also have to monitor my husband in case he does something that could disturb someone. I asked him to stop working on some of his hobby projects late at night because they involve tools that would clatter loudly if dropped on the floor. He agreed to that, but I am still really anxious he might do something loud.. I don't want to ruin our relationship by being a control freak, but I also don't want to be an awful neighbour. I realize I am having excess anxiety over this, but I don't know where it crosses over into ocd territory. Could I work with this using ERP? What would the exposures look like?

Neighbour sounds like a barrel of laughs. It's an apartment building, that means thin walls, the only time you need to be mindful of noise is past noise-complaint hours, which is usually around 11pm. Other than that you should just get on with life as normal. You got used to your own neighbours making noise and don't make a fuss about it. The fact the neighbour wouldn't say if they'd done the note both demonstrates that yes they wrote the note and that they're passive aggressive and didn't expect to be confronted over it and do have to explain their expectations. You already feel guilt way more easily than the average person. Most people would go and ask what specific noises are an issue so they can be discussed, and if they refused to own up and say which noises are the problem, then it'd be a case of the note going in the bin. If people are going to get like that they'd better be prepared to speak up. It took me months of listening to my neighbour having very loud sex for hours in the middle of the night before I left a note. Short of that, I put up with whatever noise, esp during the day, because that's just the reality of living in an apartment building. You don't need everybody to like you, you don't need the approval of someone rude enough to leave an accusatory note about regular living noises and then refuse to speak up when asked about it. It's cowardly and selfish. Whether or not your OCD is coming into it, do not be on eggshells for a neighbour like that. You should only need to ask your husband once not to do evening hobbies if that's what he agreed to. If he's "forgetting" all the time, he's being a shitty partner and should disagree about it to your face and give his reasons why he doesn't think it's fair or reasonable instead of dicking around. Live normally in your own home. If they complain again, be less apologetic-grovelly and more assertive. Point out the times at which you hear them doing things. If you're just living a normal life making no more noise than your neighbours are or the average couple would, then you don't owe anyone an apology, certainly not hypocritical neighbours.

I'm not sure whether this is ocd or not. I do think you should just go about your normal daily life In your own home, yes be respectful towards your neighbour , but like you say you here them all the time yet you havent spoke up about it. I think maybe your neighbour just needs to understand the flats have thin walls. I think maybe this is a confidence and you should not feel anxious in your own home to do normal everyday activities unless you are being inconsiderate then I dont see a problem If they complain again I suggest being more assertive and just say I dont do anything that would upset anyone the walls are just thin and explain you here them all the time and it's something you may both have to deal with.

That's great, you sound like a really nice person and like you say you shouldnt need to tio toe around. As we speak my neighbours music is thudding through the wall but I really dont mind it's a nice day. I think you just unfortunately have a grumpy neighbour.

The problem with OCD is the compulsive behaviors can manifest around very normal anxieties and concerns. However, I don't think anyone here can tell you whether OCD is rearing it's ugly head, only you can decide that and behave accordingly. It's also worth mentioning you might be seeking certainy about whether "this is OCD or not" which is itself assurance-seeking behavior. With that said, I would say try to act reasonably, according to how both you and your neighbor deserve to be treated. Consider your neighbour's and yours and behave accordingly, but no one needs to tiptoe through their daily life because of their neighbours. Tell your husband about what happened, but do not let your neighbours completely police you. OCD does not news to enter the picture and you do not need to know how much OCD is involved. I hope that helps.

A confidence issue *