I'm afraid that I'm a racist all over again because of the fact that I was on Indeed applying for jobs and housekeeping came up. I applied for it. But then my brain went this job is for Hispanics. That is a stereotype and harmful. I hate my brain. Now I'm afraid beforehand that the reason I didn't apply for housekeeping jobs is because I'm racist. :(

I woke up disassociating really bad ,I was super tired and if you read my prev post I've been having problems w depersonalization after a bad thc trip the other night. Im so so so scared I just said a slur or whispered it to myself because I cant properly remember things rn. I remember getting the thought and im scared i whispered it to myself and I cant tell if it happened or not bc waking up things feel rly blurry . It feels really real. I would never want to say such a word and im scared i did bc I was so out of it. I dont remember if i just had the thought or acted on it

I got obsessed again in researching crime and its relation to race and socioeconomic conditions. While looking up a bunch of opinions and statistics I came across one opinion in a subreddit for black men saying that crime is a good thing and seemed to encourage it because there’s no other way to get by. Not every black person would resort to crime obviously but the comment seemed to be supported by a lot of other people. I got a thought saying “this is why black people get a bad rep” and I immediately questioned my thinking. I really started thinking about the ethics of crime in general and how it may be acceptable in certain situations. Still I feel like crime should be avoided when it can, not encouraged. I feel terrible for having this thought and even more terrible that I agree with it if that makes sense. I feel like I’m being racist by having this perspective. I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed an opinion on this because I’ve never faced these conditions before, but I’m trying really hard to understand.

I know confessing is not necessarily positive all the time but it’s important for me to say this anonymously so that I can say it one day to my therapist. I have become terrified to look at Asian people. My ROCD attached to my boyfriend’s racist past in his early teens, and despite his genuine effort towards change and the fact he’s been an incredible partner to me as a POC We’ve had some amazing conversations and he had made so many choices (dropping friends, reporting racism in institutions, standing up for me, advocating for minorities online, boycotting) that prove he has truly changed over the years. However my OCD’s attachment to his past has become the main theme of my life and was the reason I first sought therapy- I felt like I was going insane, like there was a physical, staticky, black wall between us. I’d have images of people of colour and things I knew he had said flash in my mind. I feared and imagined the judgement of all around me, while being genuinely happy to be with him. Last summer while in conversation he almost said a racial slur regarding Asian people (while reading it and referencing it). He stopped himself before he finished the word and apologised profusely. But it spiralled me into a depression- for a while I almost couldn’t even get out of bed. I felt debilitated. It made me realise there was something wrong. Since then (over a year) I feel genuinely fear, sometimes edging on terror when I see, talk to or interact with Asian people. On social media I can’t watch them in videos, in person I find myself between staring and being unable to look. It makes me feel disgusting. I’ve convinced myself it means I must be truly, deeply racist, even though I’m a POC. I’m getting better, over time, but also I’m so afraid still. I want to watch their content, I want to form authentic friendships, but my brain tells me I have betrayed them, that they wouldn’t want to be my friend, that they would hate me, that I don’t deserve to be in their spaces, that I’m racist and so is he. I’m not yet ready to tell my therapist. But u am grateful to have told all of you.