For the sake of honesty: My therapist said I don’t actually have OCD. He says basically I have perfection/control issues, and am so afraid of making a mistakes that I ritualize to keep from doing something wrong. I thought that if I *didn’t* strictly meet DSM criteria, it meant there was nothing wrong with me, and that I had to do/avoid all the things my mind told me to. To make it more confusing, my sister who was diagnosed with OCD thinks I have it, and a different therapist who has OCD herself thinks I have it. That said, I’ve come to view it more like a spectrum, and a maladaptive coping mechanism. But, I wanted to throw this out there, because I felt a little dishonest, and wondered if maybe y’all would rather I not be in this community. That said, I know what it’s like to check locks, stoves, ovens, faucets, lights, garages multiple times, to ruminate to make sure I haven’t made a mistake, to worry if I don’t wash my hands enough I will make other people dirty or defiled or dead, etc. I use the principles of ERP (well, try to) and find them helpful. Thanks for reading.

Trigger warning: therapy/ false diagnosis worry. Haven’t posted in a while as things have been looking up, but I went back to CBT today and the latest worries I’ve had my therapist said don’t fit into “OCD categories” and are more ‘what if’ anxiety worries or low self esteem/ self critical thoughts .... my intrusive thoughts seem most distressing and real in times of high anxiety and that’s when I struggle to let them go and take them seriously. Now I’m worried that they were all real, including sexual/ violent/ immoral ones and that I thought I had OCD and I don’t. I thought I was part of a community of people going through the same thing but maybe I’m just a monster if my thoughts don’t even fit the standard OCD pattern :( Anyone feel the same way?

Trigger Warning My theme that I struggle with most is that I am developing schizophrenia. I wanted to share this anecdote with everyone in case someone is dealing with family/friends who do not understand what it is like to have OCD. One of the most effective ways for me to manage my OCD is to use humor to deal with it. Often times I will make jokes about it and recently a family member said, “you like having OCD, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t talk about it so much”. What he does not understand is that on the days I am able to laugh at my OCD I am so grateful because on other days all I want to do is lay in bed and worry about having schizophrenia. I didn’t know how to reply to that in the moment, but I want to say to him now is that the reason I make jokes about it is because some days it feels so real and I spend my day: Keeping track of every car in the rear view mirror to make sure that they are actually there and not hallucinations. Plugging my ears with my fingers to make sure that I am not hearing voices. Telling myself that if I have to carry a tray without dropping it to prove I do not have schizophrenia. Going over in my mind overtime I misspeak to try and figure out if it was just a mistake or if it was because I was going crazy and was speaking nonsense. Being very careful while typing because if I make a mistake it might mean I have schizophrenia. Lying in bed until five in the morning reading about schizophrenia. Thinking that if I can’t fall asleep by a certain time it means that my sleep schedule is being affected by schizophrenia. Trying to not look at any buildings where a person with schizophrenia may be treated. Constantly checking my emotions to see if I have them or if I lost them because I might have schizophrenia. Frantically searching for a sound that I heard to make sure it wasn’t a hallucination. Searching for something I may have seen out of the corner of my eye because it might have been a hallucination. Thinking that every time I have an itch it’s actually a tactile hallucination Spending hours thinking about wanting to die if I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Putting my ear on machinery to make sure that I didn’t think that it was talking to me. Everyday looking up percentages and data and calculating them over and over again to calculate the likelihood that I will develop schizophrenia. Spend my day thinking if I actually am enjoying my activates or if I’m faking it because I actually have schizophrenia. Convincing myself that my food is poisoned because that is what a schizophrenic would think. Going over common schizophrenic delusions and checking to see if I believe them too. I am sure that a lot of people in this group struggle with this theme. Even though a lot of people think that OCD is just washing your hands a lot or organizing, know that I know how you feel and I have gotten through the worst of it.

For most of my adult life I was told by professionals that I suffered from general anxiety disorder. But most recently after switching psychiatrists, I was diagnosed with OCD, which is the cause of my severe anxiety. And now everything makes sense. Some things I didn’t realize was actually my OCD: - Immense fear that i’ve forgotten something I do instinctively every day. Locking the door, flushing the toilet, turning off the heater, etc. I can not recall a time i have ever forgotten to do these things, but I have so much anxiety that something bad will happen because i’ve forgotten to do them that I will drive all the way back home or to work to check and make sure they’ve been done. It got so bad that I would drive to my office at 10 pm at night because i had the sudden realization in bed that i couldn’t remember if I locked the door. I now have to take a picture of the locked door every time i leave so I can reference it for later and assure myself its been done. - Obsessing over what people think of how i dress, act, talk, etc to the point that I can’t communicate properly because Im trying to think of the correct thing say or how the other person is perceiving me in that moment. It makes social situations exhausting and fills me with dread whenever i have to talk to any one new. I just want to be liked, to have friends, but because of this anxiety Ive found that being alone is the least stress inducing, so I usually don’t talk to people besides family if I don’t have to. - Goes with the above, but constant thoughts that if im not liked by others, i am horrible person. Its all or nothing, either everyone likes me or im worthless. It makes every interaction insanely stressful and i obsess over every word i said for hours after I get home. - Texting is a nightmare. Writing, re-writing, and RE-WRITING texts to make sure they sound okay. Then asking my fiance to read them himself to make sure they sound okay to an outside person before sending them. And then the immense fear after sending them that what I’ve said is going to be taken the wrong way and waiting on the edge of my seat to see if/how they’ll respond. And im not talking about serious conversations, this is just simple back and forth. - Sending long paragraphs with as many details as possible to try and avoid the above. When probably just an “okay” would’ve sufficed. - I work in marketing/graphics, and all my coworkers know I’m obsessed with symmetry and even spacing. Everything needs to feel balanced, or its completely wrong. I refuse to send out anything im not 100% happy with, and ill spend extra time adjusting spacing and sizing by less than a 5% difference over and over again until im satisfied. Ive had coworkers ask what i’ve changed because its so minuscule to them. But in my eyes anything that isn’t spaced evenly or lined up correctly is glaring and unacceptable. - Being consistently late to things because my compulsions and obsessions take my mind away from time management. Im just considered the person that can never arrive on time. Its a running joke in my family at this point, but it still makes me feel bad. My parents always instilled the need to be punctual so you’re not wasting other peoples time, but my brain can’t make it happen no matter how hard i try. These are just a few of the things that I’ve come to realize are attributed to OCD. I honestly thought for a while that this was just simple anxiety and that everyone felt this way, especially because my mother deals with similar issues. Has anyone else dealt with similar issues? Im on anti-anxiety medication currently, and it seems to help most days. I’m interested in learning more about others experiences and if any one has come up with coping mechanisms that help them work through their symptoms. p.s. apologies for the long post lol