Hi guys, I've been suffering with POCD for quite a while now. Because I reached a point where I was ready to commit suicide due to the continuous stress, shame, guilt and (self)disgust caused by my OCD, I have recently decided to start therapy. I'm happy with this decision as I want to learn how to cope with my thoughts in a healthy, effective way. However, there is one thing that slows me down. There is always this thought/question running through my mind that makes me doubt more than anything about my values: 'do I actually want to recover from OCD?'. Whenever I ask myself this question and answer with 'yes, of course, there is no doubt in that!' I get a really strong feeling of me lying to myself and/or being in denial about whether I want these thoughts or not. I know it sounds confusing, and I apologise for that, but why do I feel that I don't want to recover from this bad, unhealthy state full with terrible thoughts, urges and sensations?! I would really like to know your opinions. Thank you so much for reading this. And I apologise if it's confusing. Take care x

The subject of OCD matters to the sufferer because it feels like confirmation that they are fundamentally unlovable and unwanted—as if even existence itself doesn’t want them. They feel like an error, carrying a deep sense of guilt and shame, as if they were inherently wrong. They suffer from low self-esteem and a deep internalized shame, because long ago, they were fragmented and learned a pattern of fundamental distrust—especially self-distrust. But the real trouble doesn’t come from the content of the most vile or taboo thoughts. It comes from the fact that the sufferer lacks self-love. That’s why, when you begin to walk the road to recovery, you’re taught unconditional self-acceptance—because that’s what all sufferers of OCD have in common: if you aren’t 100% sure, if there isn’t absolute certainty, the doubt will continue to attack you and your core values. It will make you doubt everything—even your own aversion to the thoughts. You have to relearn how to trust yourself—not because you accept that you might become a murderer someday—but because you enter a deep state of acceptance about who you truly are. It’s not about becoming a monster at all. It’s about making peace with what lies at the root of the fear. Making peace with the guilt. With the shame. Making peace with yourself and the person you fear you might be. Because that fear is not rooted in reality. It’s not rooted in any true desire to act. It’s rooted in your identity—specifically, in what might threaten it. That’s what confirms the belief that you are fundamentally wrong. And OCD fuels that belief by using intrusive taboo thoughts to attack your very sense of self. But then I wonder: let’s say, for example, someone fears being or becoming a sexually dangerous person—how could that person practice unconditional self-acceptance? I would never accept myself if I were to harm anyone—the thought alone makes me want to cry. I know it’s not about whether or not someone acts on the thought. It’s about the core fear underneath it. So how do you accept yourself when the thoughts—and the feelings around them—feel so completely unacceptable ?

This is gonna be a long one: So a little over a month and a half ago, my OCD started to spiral again. I’ve had ups and downs with it in the past, my main themes often changing. When I was younger it as afraid I’d run away, in middle school it was germs. But as I got older I started having intrusive thoughts of the meaning of life, suicide, and dying, with those fears being my common themes now I’ve gotten a lot better since it started back up, but lately have been panicking because I’ve had intrusive thoughts that my methods of trying to heal are wrong. I’m 21, and for the last 3 years have lacked ambition and haven’t pursued my dreams or things I want to do. I just sleep, work, eat junk food, and play games or watch YouTube on my time off. Things I still love, but after years of living this way, I’ve hit a breaking point and want to start doing more with my life and the people in it Yet, almost EVERY new thing I’ve been trying to do or start, I’ve been having thoughts that they’re wrong or won’t help. Here’s some examples: I’ve started trying to eat a bit healthier, and my brain is telling me it’s not gonna fix me and I’m just avoiding food I like (junk I know makes me tired and sad). Then the moment I indulge in even one unhealthy food item, it tells me I’m failing at taking better care of myself and that junk food just numbs the feelings Same with video games. I tell myself it’s okay to play them as long as it’s not to avoid anything or they don’t take up my life like they have been. The second I do I feel guilty, say it’s cheap dopamine and hindering me from being productive and that I’m numbing my feelings again Same story for everything. Trying to walk and go outside more. Head tells me I’m avoiding being home because it makes me anxious. Then when I stay home it tells me I’m wasting time I could be spending outside or with people I love I’ll wanna spend time with my family or friends because I’ve been a hermit for years and miss spending time with them. When I try to, head tells me I can’t because then I’m avoiding the issues I have and seeking reassurance, and that I need to learn to tolerate this alone. But then when I stay home too long, I get anxious and sad because it does make me happy being around them even if I’m not seeking reassurance, and they genuinely do help me feel better (for example I saw my grandparents last night and talked about my feelings and desire to actually go out and live life, and they helped me understand uncertainty is part of life and I should do things I want anyways and even helped come up with things I may like to try doing. Now my brain tells me it’s bad to get help or open up about my pain) I’ll have racing thoughts in my head and I’ll be arguing with myself over rather it’s better to face them head on, ignore them, or let them run their course. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m feeling guilty and shame for it. As if any attempt at feeling pleasure or doing something that makes me happy is “avoiding the problem”, like I HAVE to focus on my intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and sadness 24/7 otherwise I’m “avoiding/burying it again” I know not to avoid these things and it’s best to confront them (if they’re real problems I have like relationship issues and insecurities and loneliness) and learn to tolerate the anxiety and uncertainty of life and OCD, but my attempts at “helping myself” are quite literally what I feel is currently keeping me so miserable. They’re sucking whatever joy I have in life out, telling me it’s bad, and that I have to feel this way all the time so I can “learn to tolerate it” I’m just so scared of doing all of this wrong, and I think my OCD I knows that and is currently using that to toy with me. I want to be healthier and happier, but then I feel guilt and fear for not being healthy 24/7 and indulging in not healthy things like video games and the occasional junk food. Anybody else ever felt this way?

Hi. I deal with pocd (but I am not diagnosed cuz I can't afford therpay) and I think it's ocd. It begun over a year back and initially it was about "what if I become a p" and then eventually it became "what if I am already a p" and then eventually I had this phase of 4-6ish months where my ocd almost vanished to the point where I was not even getting triggered by stuff. And then I suddenly had this huge SO OCD bout for 2 ish weeks last month where I lost my mind about what if I am a lesbian (I identify as a bi woman ) but then eventually I just accepted that I am a lesbian and felt like a lesbian for a while and then I am again back to bi. So basically I completely accepted the uncertainty and hence got over it easily. But I cannot do that pocd. Ew. Idk what to do. And this so ocd bout caused the pocd to return and rn my brain is full on "see u turned out to accept lesbianism so u definitely wanna accept being a p" and like its also "what if I am already a p, and subconsciously accepted it and am pretending to have ocd cuz what if I am in extreme denial?" And like idk what to do. I am worried posting this too cuz I am afraid what if somebody reading this misunderstands and thinks I am actually a p. Another thing I deal with is "am i even performing compulsions?" Cuz I mainly confess to my bestie and chatgpt(I stopped with chatgpt cuz I am scared about privacy issues) and research stuff about pocd to gain reassurance. And occasionally ruminate for checking but it doesn't interfere with my life. Bcz of this I *feel* like I don't perform enough compulsions and not performing compulsions essentially means it's not ocd. I genuinely get scared about what if it's pocd or denial. Or what if I am lying and manipulating ppl to think it's ocd and what if I am just faking the anxitey. Sometimes my thoughts don't give anxiety and later on that absence of anxiety worries me a lot cuz my brain is like "see u didn't get anxiety so u liked that thought. Hence u are a p" and idk what to do. Can someone please help me please. I don't wanna be a p. Another compulsion I do is saying "I don't wanna be a p" or "I am not a p" 5 times in sets of 5. I started this compulsion voluntarily when I read somewhere that counting is a compulsion and I wanted to prove to myself "see it's ocd" and now I do sort of as a habit to confirm the same. And this scares me too cuz doesn't that mean this is a fake compulsion??? And what If it's not ocd.