Hi guys, I've been suffering with POCD for quite a while now. Because I reached a point where I was ready to commit suicide due to the continuous stress, shame, guilt and (self)disgust caused by my OCD, I have recently decided to start therapy. I'm happy with this decision as I want to learn how to cope with my thoughts in a healthy, effective way. However, there is one thing that slows me down. There is always this thought/question running through my mind that makes me doubt more than anything about my values: 'do I actually want to recover from OCD?'. Whenever I ask myself this question and answer with 'yes, of course, there is no doubt in that!' I get a really strong feeling of me lying to myself and/or being in denial about whether I want these thoughts or not. I know it sounds confusing, and I apologise for that, but why do I feel that I don't want to recover from this bad, unhealthy state full with terrible thoughts, urges and sensations?! I would really like to know your opinions. Thank you so much for reading this. And I apologise if it's confusing. Take care x

I constantly feel doubt but that's because of your OCD. It's normal to feel doubt especially when you have thoughts trying to manipulate you. You just need to remember that the strongest people get hit with the most crap because at the end of the day they will be the ones who will make it through.

I’m glad you decided to reach out and seek therapy! My advice would be to treat this doubt about wanting to recover like an ocd thought. Aknowledge it’s there, but do therapy anyway. I would also bring it up with your therapist and see what they say. The more open you are with them the better. Side note, I’d bring up the suicidal ideation with your therapist, too. Sending love, I know OCD can be so hard, but you can get through this!

I’m sorry you ever reached such a low point. I’m so proud of you for persevering!! I hope you’re proud of yourself too. I think this doubt is simply like any other OCD thought. You’re questioning things in attempt to seek certainty about whatever it is (in this case, if you truly want help or not). So if I were you, I’d try to leave it at that, and avoid the compulsions that come with it. Move forward with your values! And just remember, you deserve help ?

Ocd thoughts can sometimes come with strong sensations or feelings. Continue treating it like an ocd thought and avoid doing compulsions based off it. I think you know that therapy and recovery are the best option. Don’t let your ocd get in the way of getting help. You’ve got this! Have you found a therapist already?

You know I don’t think this is uncommon. Actually, I have this all the time

Hey, thank you so much for all your kind help and support. I really, really appreciate it. The thing that troubles me the most is that the thought/doubt comes with a very strong sensation/feeling, which is really hard to ignore. The feeling is overwhelming, and the thought that I don't want to recover/am in denial becomes absolutely true. It's very confusing and tiring because at the end of the day I don't know who I am anymore. Thank you again for all your help. It feels so nice to be supported with so much kindness and respect. I hope you are doing okay.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, and I have found a therapist; I have had 3 sessions with her already. But we focused on other stuff, including assessments, and I didn't have enough time to let her know about this issue. I will, however, try and bring it up next time. But by the way it feels, I'm really scared this is not OCD. I'm really, really sorry but I'm feeling very suicidal at the moment. And I don't know what to do. I hate myself and I want to end this... I'm sorry...