Hi guys, I've been suffering with POCD for quite a while now. Because I reached a point where I was ready to commit suicide due to the continuous stress, shame, guilt and (self)disgust caused by my OCD, I have recently decided to start therapy. I'm happy with this decision as I want to learn how to cope with my thoughts in a healthy, effective way. However, there is one thing that slows me down. There is always this thought/question running through my mind that makes me doubt more than anything about my values: 'do I actually want to recover from OCD?'. Whenever I ask myself this question and answer with 'yes, of course, there is no doubt in that!' I get a really strong feeling of me lying to myself and/or being in denial about whether I want these thoughts or not. I know it sounds confusing, and I apologise for that, but why do I feel that I don't want to recover from this bad, unhealthy state full with terrible thoughts, urges and sensations?! I would really like to know your opinions. Thank you so much for reading this. And I apologise if it's confusing. Take care x

Does anybody struggle with POCD? I’m putting things into place lately to let my thoughts be there and not having to listen to them and I do admit I feel a little better and the thoughts are less and anxiety it less when I’m around people but there’s an urge in the back of my mind to ‘make sure’ and to think and analyse about things just to ‘check’ I definitely know for certain that this isn’t true, this is making recovery quite hard! Any tips please? Also I find sometimes reading things on google can be unhelpful and disheartening, which I need to stop doing! Thanks for reading ?

Weird question but does anyone get the random fear that you actually “enjoy” the intrusive thoughts and OCD is just an excuse and you don’t want to get better? Or am I crazy. Of course I want to be free :(

Okay so I need some help because I don’t know how I am supposed to keep going. During recovery from POCD I met my boyfriend. He wasn’t really my type but he somehow made me wanna spend more time with him. He developed feelings for me very fast but meanwhile I wasn’t developing anything. I know that I liked him and I felt happy and good with him by my side but I was constantly thinking he isn’t my type, I thought he wasn’t that attractive and didn’t feel any butterflies or fast heart beating. But we still met every weekend and I was very reserved because I didn’t have much relationship experience before and was very insecure about the whole situation. So I told my friend about my lack of feelings and she said I should still give it a try, a lot of relationships start without heavy feelings and I thought I didn’t give any boy a chance who wanted to get to know me better so why not give it a try. I knew I liked him and his attitude, his character, his believes, everything was perfect but there wasn’t any attraction or heavy feelings, not even during our first kiss. But I thought maybe I’ll develop feelings after some weeks/months. I was curious because I felt a connection and wanted to spend time with him. BUT I noticed that during the time we were dating I had eyes for other guys. I was already feeling a little bit bad like „Why do you think he’s more attractive than your guy“ and stuff like this. After a few weeks/months I noticed that I developed feelings for my guy. Not the heavy ones with butterflies and heart beating but more deeper ones I guess. I thought he was almost perfect for me. Everything about him is just like I wanted my boyfriend to be. I still couldn’t wish for a better one, really. During the time we became intimate and I noticed I care a lot about him, I developed feelings, my POCD came back far worse than before. One sentence really got me. „I don’t care about anything that you think as long as you do not use me to prove yourself that you’re not attracted to children“, he said. I began to think about that. POCD got worse and worse and I was losing it. Right now, I am so very afraid my feelings towards him aren’t enough or real. I still struggle with the attraction thing. It already was pretty hard to develop feelings but the last couple of weeks I barely felt anything towards him. I was constantly thinking about my POCD and not loving him. I don’t know what’s going on. What’s real and what isn’t. I know that the thought of breaking up with him makes me cry SO HARD. I know that I don’t want to lose him. But I feel so bad because of my lack of feelings in the beginning of the relationship, during a time I thought I was able to develop feelings towards others. I almost want to confess everything to him and make sure he’d still want to be with me. I feel so guilty. Moreover I feel like am not capable of feeling and having emotions towards anything at the moment. Like, I want to feel something when I’m with him but as soon as I feel or not feel something I compare it to POCD feelings, ask myself a lot of what if and is this right questions. I think a lot about breaking up with him because i feel like I don’t deserve him. He deserves someone better, maybe someone who truly loves him and not someone who’s constantly questioning it. I am just so afraid that it’s something I force, that it’s wrong and I am a liar. I don’t feel anything at the moment but sadness. I’m crying a lot lately and feeling desperate because I don’t want us to end but my mind keeps telling me I should leave him because it’s not real, not enough. I don’t know what to do anymore I feel so lost ? is it possible that OCD does such things? Twisting emotions and feelings making you feel wrong and numb lowers the feelings of attraction? Now I think I’m trying to find excuses for my thoughts and feelings but I just don’t know what’s going on anymore. POCD is one thing, but the whole thing with my boyfriend is making it so much worse. It’s making me want to quit. I’m also very afraid of recovery because I am afraid that POCD is real and that I still can’t develop feelings for him or think that this doesn’t work out/is wrong. Please, I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a liar, even typing these words. I feel like I don’t mean them. It’s making me hate myself and myself so much I can’t take it any longer ????