- Username
- luiscoro0218
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I get you, I always feel in denial even though I know that I’m straight and want to be married to a man, it’s like it won’t accept who I am, it wants me to always think I absolutely need to be someone I don’t want to be because of minor things it latches onto as ‘proof’ of me being gay, such as liking the prettier dolls in a shop or admiring the way a girl looks, even though there’s so many reasons as to why I’m straight (having a boyfriend I’m attracted to being one of them ?) it still won’t accept it and still makes me think I’m in denial, it’s mental, literally
So it is the ocd Because every time I talk to myself saying that I’m straight and I know I am I’ve only been with women in my life I’ve had crushes on women but now when these thoughts pop I know they don’t defy who I am me or like when I say that I’m straight now it’s starting to feel weird and that’s what scares me because I know that I am straight but my mind is telling me otherwise therefore I feel like I’m doubting myself and I search Google every single day and I guess that’s another form of compulsiveness and To be reinsured about myself but that drives me nuts because I know what I am and what I want I know who I am but my mind is going everywhere that’s the part that scares me the most that I lost
I still have faith but at the same time it’s troubling And it’s only really bad when I try to sleep because my intrusive thoughts manifests itself in my dreams and I wake up with panic attacks
Like I want to have a women I can call a wife with children a good job you know hell writing this makes me emotional I hate this feeling I wish my life came back to normal I wish my ex girlfriend never left me this sucks
You should be thankful you had a girlfriend before ocd. I never got the chance to pursue a girl properly and now this ocd is making my life a living hell.?????????
Is this the ocd doing this ???
All I know is that HOCD is also defined as the doubt disease I know it’s mental it’s not real but it’s annoying scary and I hate it don’t like the feeling it’s not me it doesn’t feel like me I wish my life would go back to normal like it did a month ago before all of this hit
Accept the thoughts and do erp, if u do this good without reassurance then it will be over in 2-20 weeks I think. I depends on your mental strength ??
I hate how my mind is making me doubt of my intentions when i clearly know that I don’t have any desires to act on my thoughts. It makes my intentions feel so uncertain, and sometimes it would even make me feel like if I wanted to act on my thoughts when I actually don’t, because I wouldn’t be doubting if I did. So since I feel my intentions so uncertain I need to come to an answer, and sometimes it is so damn hard to get that answer, which makes me anxious and disturbed. It would also make me think of my past like, how were you okay without having these thoughts? Or makes me think of my future like, will you be okay without these thoughts? So it would make me think that these thoughts are really desires and I won’t be okay unless I act on them. As horrible as it sounds. And I don’t know if someone gets this too but, it would also make me doubt my feelings. When my family tells me cute things like “I love you” and stuff, I would feel so bad, because my thoughts are towards them. So I would say “ily too” but I feel like an hypocrite saying it, or like I don’t mean it at all, so it makes me doubt if I really love them or not. This is all so overwhelming, and I have gone through so many disturbing and crazy thoughts, feelings and situations, that I don’t know if this might be OCD.
My initial thoughts are not as scary bc I’ve been doing erp. For example, when an initial thought comes across I don’t go into panic mode, instead when the thought comes across I tell myself “maybe yes maybe no” and I feel better. But the thing that is getting to me is that the next thought is usually “did you just suppress a gay thought” and that makes me go into panic mode. And I feel bad because I’m like damn if I am suppressing these thoughts that would be sad like why cant i just decide on one so that I could be happy. You know? And I didn’t have these thoughts before. It’s so annoying because I constantly feel like what if I’m in denial. And it makes me question whether I’m happy with or attracted to my boyfriend. I want to be happy so I’m like do I leave him and maybe date women, but then Im like oh no i don’t want to do that I want to be with him and be happy with him. Anyone going through something similar?
Does anyone else feel like when they say their identity out loud it is a lie? Like I am a straight woman and have been straight my whole life and have been in two relationships—both with men who I was happily in love with. I can draw my intrusive thoughts back to childhood, but it was always a very brief experience where I would be like “oh I finally have nothing to worry about” and then my brain would be like “wait nevermind you have to worry about the fact that you are gay and in denial.” But every time, these thoughts would go away and I would never have them when I was actually in my relationships or talking to someone. These fears are now back and more real than ever, making me feel like I am actually physically attracted to women and losing my natural biological attitude to men. I do not want to be gay at all and the thought of being that has been making me physically I’ll because it is just now who I am and want to be. I think what makes this all worse is that it’s been awhile since I’ve been in a relationship, so having these thoughts and feelings feels like reality because I have no recent experience with being in a relationship with a man and because of that, my self esteem is extremely low. I now feel triggered by every little thing in life, from hearing the word “gay”/“lesbian”/“lgbt”/“coming out”, to seeing any women of literally any age or appearance out in public, thinking I must be attracted to them. I keep checking my attraction to both males and females and am fearful because I feel like I am losing my attraction to men, which is something that never happened when these thoughts appeared in my life before this most recent flare up. I don’t know if any other people who identify as straight have similar experiences to this, but I cannot help but feel like I am the exception because I did have these thoughts before now (even though they went away for years). I would appreciate any help/insight because the longer I struggle with these thoughts, the farther and farther I feel my old, true self drifting away. I was always able to hang onto the fact that I want a future with a man and want a husband and kids, but now it’s like even that is gone and even though I never want to be with a woman, it’s like these thoughts have convinced me that I will never be with a man. Please help.
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