Can someone explain to me why reassurance is bad for OCD?? I often have overwhelming anxiety that my boyfriend is upset with me. So I will sometimes ask him if we’re good. Even though nothing has happened to suggest anything is wrong. He knows I have terrible anxiety so he never makes me feel bad for asking. And as soon as I’ve asked I feel better.

Think of your OCD like a bully. Say somewhere in your life, you had someone call you stupid. And that has just always been a trigger for you because you know you're intelligent but it really hurts you for this person to think you're dumb. So you go to school, and there's this bully. He's just a jerk and decides you're his next victim. What does he call you? Stupid. This sets you off, you burst into tears, you run away, and the bully laughs at you. The next day, the bully sees you, comes up to you, and calls you the dumbest person in school. You cry again, run off, and the bully laughs knowing he upset you again. The bully has now learned that this is a trigger for you. Anything to do with your intelligence will hurt you. So he uses it over and over again. Every time, you go to your best friend and ask them, "Am I stupid?" They say, "Are you kidding me?! Look at your grades! You got an A on that exam in class! You're so smart!" You feel temporary relief. But then you go home and that memory of the bully calling you stupid enters your head. Okay but my friend said I'm not... so it can't be true. But what if she's lying? What if she thinks I'm dumb too and is just saying that? Does she think that? That test... she said I got an A... but I didn't get the highest score... does that mean I'm dumb? What if my teacher thinks I'm dumb because I only got a 90%? Am I gonna fail? Is my friend smarter than me? What are her grades like? So now you are more anxious, and this trigger about you being unintelligent has only grown in size even though it shrunk initially when your friend first gave you that reassurance. Now. Imagine that one day you're so sick of being bullied by this dude and living in torture. You go to school. Bully comes up and says, "Hey dummy." You, deciding you're over this BS, say, "Hey what's up?" The bully is kind of thrown off by your response, so he goes, "You're the dumbest person on the planet. What's your IQ? 0? Ha. Ha." You say, "You know? Yeah! I'm SO dumb! I'm probably the dumbest person whose ever walked the planet! I am SO stupid! Wow! How did I even get into this school?!" Now you've thrown the bully WAYYY off! He is freaked TF out. No joke. You turn on your heels, flip that ponytail, and walk away. The bully tries the next day with the same tactic, but you just keep agreeing with him, letting whatever he says roll off your back, even one-upping him! He eventually stops bullying you cause HE'S starting to look like a dumb a**. But, bullies want to isolate you, make your life miserable, and have power over your entire life to feel superior. So now he comes up with a different attack. He calls you fat and ugly. Your looks mean a lot to you. You weren't expecting him to say that... that was shocking. You start looking at yourself in the mirror, paying attention to what you eat, etc. You start asking everyone if you're overweight. They tell you you're beautiful! You feel okay but don't believe them. They're just saying that cause they don't want to hurt your feelings. You don't have a boyfriend right now. Why is that? Is it because I'm ugly and unhealthy? Oh my god! I need to run every day and lose so much weight and perfect my makeup. And so it begins again. Eventually, you realize that although this is a different tactic, the end game is the same: to isolate you and make you no longer live life. So again, you start to agree with the bully. You heighten the remarks before the bully even can cause you're just that much ahead of him in this game. And eventually, he leaves you alone. OCD is a bully. If you let whatever it says to you upset you immensely, it will use that over and over because it knows it's got you. When you seek reassurance, you might feel better initially. But OCD doesn't play nice and it doesn't play fair. It'll say the person is lying or maybe they said one more word that the OCD will latch on (ex: "omg no you look so pretty TODAY!" OCD monster attaches onto "today". Why did they say today? Do I only look good today? Do I look ugly other days?). This might sound ridiculous if this isn't what your fear is about. But try to relate it to what you're going through. Does that make sense? Reassurance is another tactic OCD uses that is really just disguised as confusion. OCD thrives off surprise and confusion. When OCD throws a new curveball at you, remember it's using a new weapon to try and keep you in its grasp. It's OCD. Not reality. Whenever you feel confused or unsure, that's OCD. Not reality. Try to think of OCD as a bully. You can fight the bully using its own game. Reassurance will only give OCD more opportunities to confuse and surprise you and make you doubt yourself and anything anyone has told you or anything you've read to convince yourself you're not what the OCD says you are. It might help to imagine me when the OCD is attacking you. Pretend I'm your friend. What if I texted you and said, "Omg I was eating a banana, and I remembered this book I read about how you can use a banana in the bedroom. And I imagined doing it. And now I'm so afraid I'm attracted to bananas! I'm freaking out!" Would you tell me, "yeah, girl. You should probably stay clear of all bananas. That's a real problem. Like you are an endangerment to bananas everywhere. I might have to call the police to inform them you're a banana predator." NOOOO! That would be CRAZY lol! We ALL have weird off the wall thoughts! Thoughts do not equal actions. Thoughts do not equal reality. Thoughts do not equal who we are. So try to even imagine a friend coming to you, make it light, and imagine what you'd tell them. Then do the same for yourself. Treat you how you would treat your friends. I hope this helps

I think it’s bad because it’s showing your brain that the thought is important. When you ask for reassurance on an intrusive thought, you’re reacting to it mentally, physically, and emotionally. The goal is to get the thought but not react to it at all. Our first instinct to ask for reassurance to make ourselves feel better, but what we need to do is show ourselves that uncertainty is okay and we don’t always have to feel comfortable. Even if we’re having doubts and feeling anxious, were safe. Resisting asking for reassurance will prove that to us.

The idea is that longer term the reassurance strengthens the obsessions. I’ve definitely noticed that, over time, the relief I get from asking for reassurance has reduced. We need to get to a point where we accept uncertainty. The feeling of being reassured can be amazing, but remember the ultimate goal is to no longer need it!

OMG that was amazing!!! Thank you!!! @sparklypaws1418