I am currently unemployed, living with my parents and sister again as an adult and my father was abusive and volatile growing up. My sister took a bunch of pills two years ago and was admitted to a hospital for a while. She lived with me for a year, then lived abroad for a year and now we are both back with our parents. I don't think I ever fully recovered from her suicide attempt or from my childhood. I always felt it was my role to be the peace maker and keep the family together even though I am the youngest one in the family and that was a false responsibility I gave myself. My mom has compulsions and my dad is a hoarder so I think my heightened sense of responsibility and genetics could be factors with my ocd. I first showed signs of ocd when I was younger but didn't know that was what it was. I have used smoking weed as a form of stress relief however I never thought of it as self medicating because I would go several months without smoking and then when I was stressed I would smoke on and off for a month or so. I always thought that was due to external factors in my life and never habit forming or addictive. I never even started smoking weed until I was 22 and I am now in my late 20s. When having a stressful time the other week I started smoking again and the next morning it's like it set off this huge panic attack inside of me. All of my ptsd and fears/ obsessions came up to the surface like when you have food poisoning and your body is trying to expell toxins from your body. My death ocd, sexual thoughts ocd, and real ocd and then ptsd have been swirling around in my head nonstop since. Eventually my mom took me to patient first to get something to help me get through the day. They prescribed me attarax and I am taking 2-4 a day as need be since Monday. I also immediately started listening to the ocd stories podcast after googling intrusive thoughts and realized what was going on with me in terms of my fears and obsessions being heightened. My ocd has always bubbled under the surface but I've never had panic attacks and depression like this before. That's when I decided to try NOCD. I am still waiting to have my first session and I am trying to do things every day to give me hope and I am looking forward to my appointment. I feel like this house and my family are a big trigger for me, but I feel stuck and scared especially during covid-19 on how to get out of my situation. I guess I was hoping if anyone could provide me with some words of hope and encourangement in terms of the recovery process and battling multiple problems on top of ocd.

That sounds freaking rough too, good Lord. I know this is messed up in it's own way, but I'm glad that we all have this app. OCD, pandemics, and issues with living circumstances can feel isolating and knowing you guys are out there makes me feel more determined to keep whoopin' butt. The app is a Godsend and you guys sharing is moreso.

@Anonymous I am also on the BetterHelp app for therapy. My therapist isn’t an ocd specialist (I had one since I was 14 but she’s way too expensive) and the one I have now was a psych professor and specializes in PTSD. I always have fear of my past coming to haunt me or have random fears like “what if this person secretly recorded me during sex?” (I tried a sugar baby website when I was 23 and just got exploited by 40 year old men and not paid, so I got trauma from that) so I would compulsively check porn sites to make sure my reputation is still fine and I was not secretly recorded. A friend told me alot of girls were doing it and I was in major debt and wanted to get out of my abusive toxic household. So being single and young I said why not. Now I have agoraphobia in my own city (NYC) My narcissistic ex in Dubai (who I found out in the end is married with 2 kids and 43 years old not 33 like he said) would bring up my past and say “how could I marry you”, so it triggered my ocd really bad and I started to check the internet. Now I fear no guy will want me or they will judge me. That’s just an example of what I deal with. But I’ve been learning to sit with the uncertainty of life and exposing myself. I’m hoping to one day go back to dating without fear of rejection after I take the time to work on myself. Sorry for the rant, but you are not alone at all. This app has really helped me a lot.

@Anxiousgirl I appreciate the rant; it feels good to see real conversation. And I'm also excited to have less fear. My biggest hope with relationship fear is that I can have that fear and not feel the need to push it away and to have it be less crippling. And goodness. The factors thrown in there sound roooooough, amiga. Good on you for sharing with everyone and I'm wishing you mondo luck from the states. 👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

@Anxiousgirl Awesome! And yeah, I've looked for support groups a bit and will be asking my therapist for any recommendations/leads she has on that. It'll be great when those groups'll be in person, but I'm fine getting digital suggestions from her too.

@Anonymous Was that you i just added on IG? If so, nice to meet u! Yeah, I’m sure there’s groups over zoom right now. I would definitely ask or google.

Thanks so much for sharing, it really does feel good to not be alone and I hope this app and the methods help us to feel more hopeful and see improvements 🙏💕

@Anonymous i agree I'm glad you guys commented it feels good to know people wanted to respond and have seen improvements this is helping me feel connected

@Anxiousgirl Yep, I added you afterwards!

Thanks for the words of encouragement 🙏 it helps :)