I am currently unemployed, living with my parents and sister again as an adult and my father was abusive and volatile growing up. My sister took a bunch of pills two years ago and was admitted to a hospital for a while. She lived with me for a year, then lived abroad for a year and now we are both back with our parents. I don't think I ever fully recovered from her suicide attempt or from my childhood. I always felt it was my role to be the peace maker and keep the family together even though I am the youngest one in the family and that was a false responsibility I gave myself. My mom has compulsions and my dad is a hoarder so I think my heightened sense of responsibility and genetics could be factors with my ocd. I first showed signs of ocd when I was younger but didn't know that was what it was. I have used smoking weed as a form of stress relief however I never thought of it as self medicating because I would go several months without smoking and then when I was stressed I would smoke on and off for a month or so. I always thought that was due to external factors in my life and never habit forming or addictive. I never even started smoking weed until I was 22 and I am now in my late 20s. When having a stressful time the other week I started smoking again and the next morning it's like it set off this huge panic attack inside of me. All of my ptsd and fears/ obsessions came up to the surface like when you have food poisoning and your body is trying to expell toxins from your body. My death ocd, sexual thoughts ocd, and real ocd and then ptsd have been swirling around in my head nonstop since. Eventually my mom took me to patient first to get something to help me get through the day. They prescribed me attarax and I am taking 2-4 a day as need be since Monday. I also immediately started listening to the ocd stories podcast after googling intrusive thoughts and realized what was going on with me in terms of my fears and obsessions being heightened. My ocd has always bubbled under the surface but I've never had panic attacks and depression like this before. That's when I decided to try NOCD. I am still waiting to have my first session and I am trying to do things every day to give me hope and I am looking forward to my appointment. I feel like this house and my family are a big trigger for me, but I feel stuck and scared especially during covid-19 on how to get out of my situation. I guess I was hoping if anyone could provide me with some words of hope and encourangement in terms of the recovery process and battling multiple problems on top of ocd.

This is my first post on this app, though I made this account back in late September of 2021. I grew up in a toxic environment, and was mentally abused by my parents, included being taken advantage of because of my autism. I’ve been suffering from OCD as long as I can remember. Ever since I was a child, I’ve sometimes had thoughts that scared me, and I’d often try to find ways to calm myself down. I’ve had thoughts over the smallest and silliest of things, but as time went on, these thoughts suddenly became more violent, like wanting to step in front of moving car while waiting for the bus, or grabbing a knife on the dinner table and using it to stab a family member. Even thoughts of death and what happens afterwards scared me. Aside from being afraid of a kids horror show for a while, OCD did bother me at points in my life, but they never severely crippled me… until my teenage years. Throughout my teen hood, I would very occasionally suddenly imagine fictional child characters being SA’d. I would also sometimes imagine children getting injured while noticing them sometimes. I didn’t know why those thoughts popped up into my head and they would weird me out, but I would be able to usually push them aside and not think about them too much… but it got worse after I was dropped out of high school without my consent by my parents. In March of 2017, I was at a gas station when I saw a child and imagined doing a disgusting action with them. It freaked me out immensely and sent me into a panic attack. I was able to calm down from it shortly after, but I think it planted a seed into my brain, and it would launch a horrific attack on me the very next month. Me and my family were driving around a town for a special occasion when I had the worst OCD attack I’ve ever had. Every child I saw, I imagined doing something disgusting to them. I was having a full blown panic attack and it honestly felt like my mind itself was being sexually assaulted by this horrifying thoughts. This incident scarred me mentally, and to this day, I’m still afraid of being around anyone younger than me. I tried researching what these thoughts could mean, and I found out about these being symptoms of OCD. After talking with a psychiatrist a month later, I was diagnosed with OCD. For a while, I thought I’d be okay from that point. I thought I could conquer this on my own… but by early 2018, I was still struggling. I eventually came out to my older sibling and parents about what I was dealing with. They thankfully didn’t ridicule me, and did help me with getting a therapist. The first visit with my therapist went alright, but I was an emotional mess after finishing the session. The next time I went in however, I was seen by someone else because my therapist was out. The man I saw honestly felt condescending, and he basically made go to a group therapy session. The group therapy didn’t help in the slightest, and with more toxicity developing in my family afterwards, I stopped going after the group therapy. I did see my therapist at least once I think, but that was it. Ever since 2018, I was silent about my OCD. I was just hoping that someday I’d be free of my shackles both from my mental illness and my toxic environment. Two years later though, a friend (now partner) of mine heard about my family’s living situation and wanted to help get me out of there. I first visited them in 2021, and thankfully I stay with them for the most part. That being said, I was still worried about opening up to them about my OCD. I did talk with them about general OCD from time to time, but never got into P OCD… until last year finally. I opened up them fully about it, and both they and their mother told me that they weren’t upset, and that they understood where I was coming from. I think that genuinely helped me out, and I don’t feel as anxious as I did before. Just yesterday, I finally talked about my OCD to my older sibling (they’re super supportive and understand our parents toxicity). I was genuinely nervous about telling them for a while out of fear of them either abandoning me or ratting me out… but they understood. They were accepting and didn’t ridicule me at all. It was like a weight was lifted off my shoulders… and honestly, I think I might have the courage to speak up on this app finally and hopefully find a therapist who can help me. I’ve been suffering with P OCD for over 8 years now ever since I was 18. I just recently turned 27 a few days ago. I’ve been suffering in silence for so long due to trauma, fear, and PTSD. But now, I think I want to take a step forward and get onto the road to recovery. It most likely won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight, but I feel relieved knowing I have people who love and support me, now that I’m in a better environment.

Good morning! I’ve been diagnosed with OCD for 5 years now, but just began looking for help with therapy. I’ve been well regulated on SSRIs for 5 years, but since my husband got laid off, we moved to a new state, I took a new job in a new field, and we are living with my parents at the moment, I’ve been struggling with depression, anxiety and OCD. Im maxed out on my SSRI, and I also want to push myself to find answers for myself without turning to medication, because with big life changes, I’ve always increased the dosage and never addressed the issues at hand with ERP/coping. I have anxiety everyday while at work. Obsessive thoughts of “am I anxious right now?” “Will I ever feel better?” “Is treatment working?” “Can I do this?” “Am I scared to be alone?” “Am I truly happy here?” These thoughts send me into a space where I’m crying at my desk, struggling to get through the day, and feeling no self confidence. I’m not content with just being in the process and I’m struggling to acknowledge anxious thoughts without ruminating or trying to fix them- I want answers and fixes now and I’m so scared I’ll never feel or get better. Any advice? It’s messy - it’s not straight up OCD, but it also doesn’t feel like generalized anxiety.

This is my first post. First and foremost, it’s beautiful to see such a wonderful community gather. I’ve been on this journey for close to 3 years. I’m in my early 40s. Tonight I experienced the most vicious OCD symptoms in 3 years. Which is what led me here. I guess the earliest I identified a problem was in my professional life. It soon carried over to my personal life. Unfortunately, the symptoms started soon after marriage, and my wife has been so supportive. I am tired. I’m failing as a husband, and we both know it (she would never say that). I am in a high-paying profession yet barely scrape by. I’m housebound, it feels. Thankfully, I work from home, but even that’s difficult. I guess the best way to describe my OCD is real events with a false memory. Indeed, many of my fears are actually grounded in some reality. It’s just distorted. Exaggerated. Gray. My ultimate fear always comes down to this: I inadvertently harmed someone because of my actions or unknowingly committed a crime, and as a result, I am going to go to prison and live in shame and be viewed as a monster. In other words, I intended to do X and inadvertently did Y, and now they are going to think I’m Z. Being accused and punished for something I’m not or did not intend to do. As they say, the “problem is not the problem.” Through a combination of faith, coupled with the techniques NOCD teaches, I eventually got to a good place. We are talking months in between episodes. And the episodes were short lived, barely rising above general anxiety. It got to the point where I forgot what this all felt like. I would tell others, “I’m 80% healed.” However, this episode is bad. I notice a feature of OCD is when I go on vacation, it starts. I’d share what happened, but I don’t really think it matters (although looking for reassurance is always tempting). When I am in the throws of OCD, I experience dread and despair. Severe anxiety (dry heaves), impending doom. Depression. I withdraw. My fears are so extreme I convince myself I’ve committed the worst deeds one can commit. In my delusion, I convince myself, my conscience is convicting me and that is why I feel the guilt. It’s not OCD. It’s my conscience. Even though time will go by and I’ll look back and say, “that was dumb, I can’t believe I was upset about that.” My compulsions usually lead me to looking up criminal statutes or other research to solve a crime I didn’t commit. This brings more fear and paranoia. “What if by looking this up, you will be suspected” You ever try trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist. How’d it work out for you? Frustrating, right? This latest episode had me applying a fact pattern to elements of a statute and of course, not one element was met. A.I. not only confirmed but further encouraged my behavior as actually a moral and good thing. And guest what, that still isn’t good enough. Because “what if” it’s perceived as this. I told someone once, OCD feels like you e ingested a fear toxin akin to that Batman movie. Scarecrow delivers a fear toxin and now reality hasn’t changed, it’s just your perception is through the lens of fear. I also describe it as feeling like a snake is coiled around your brain. I have hope and faith I will overcome. If I was to take away one “positive” from all of this, it would be, without OCD, I wouldn’t have recommitted myself to God and cleaned up my life. Thank you all for listening. I apologize for the long message and any content that might cause uneasiness. I’m new to this. I’m sure it’s nothing you all haven’t heard or maybe experienced. I pray we will all be set free. And to those that have been, I’m so happy for you. Thank you for your time.