NEED HELP. sos. Please Just broke up with my ex. Past before I thought i had ocd: i started talking to a person before and they made me feel butterflies. however i did not want to leave my partner for them or dreamt to. this person was an almost lover but they left then i met my partner, we got together then this person came back. of course my partner knew about this. thing is idk if this was early signs of ocd but thoughts of like maybe i liked the person came because i liked talking to them and was actually sweet to them too. they tried to make advances and i did like put a barrier at times but i feel like some i even encouraged. Im not sure now cause of my memory. Present: my ex and i have been together for 3 years. In the past i have cheated (idk why i felt like it was an urge or like curiosity. I just made out with someone, they didnt take it too well cause we were only 3 months) YES i know i was an asshole. I accept that. That was also why they had trouble trusting me from the get go. then a few months after the person from the past came and just questioned if i was having feelings for another person. But god damn did i love them so much and did my best after that to be the best partner they had cause i truly TRULY regretted it. both of the incidents probably led to my fear and guilt of finding someone else attractive or interesting other than my ex Anyway, i was scanning through my files and fuck, i saw screenshots of some conversations with 2? Friends and immediately it dawned i may have emotionally cheated on them. now dont get me wrong, i’ve seen my partner “mess around” in a somewhat flirtatious way with other people, be affectionate with other people, call other people pet names and i did get jealous but we somehow knew they were only jokes/messing around and platonical. even though some of the people fell for them too. a lot of people have tried sabotaging us too. back to the point, guilt is eating me up. I feel so worthless and self loathing that i probably did emotionally cheat my partner before and i didnt even like know it was wrong or knew about emotional cheating before. Now im second guessing if i knew all along or not. Im just so torn and i hate myself so much. Sometimes i feel like dying. I just want to restart in life and treat my ex better because i love them so much.