I need a space to breathe and rant and get stuff off my chest so this is what I’m using this for now. I hate being angry. I hate it so much cause I always feel like I have less control over my thoughts and feelings and it makes me feel like I have no control over possible actions etc. which makes it really hard with harm ocd. But it feels like an endless loop, because my ocd is so frustrating it makes me angry, and that makes me feel less in control, so the circle continues. It sucks feeling like if anyone knew what it looked like sometimes inside your head, maybe they wouldn’t love you and they wouldn’t see you the same way. I feel so lonely and hollow that days. I have so many “friends” but they all make me feel more lonely, cause everything is so superficial and pointless and sitting with them just makes me feel like I need to withdraw deeper into myself because they don’t get it and they don’t really want to get it or care. I want to scream and cry cause I can’t control anything. I can’t stop the people I love from dying one day, I cant stop time, and I can’t keep things the same forever. I’m so tired of doubting everything about myself. Am I a pedophile? Am I a danger to my loved ones? Am I psychotic? Ya da ya da ya da. This endless anxiety I have it feels like it’s slowly killing me and it’s making me depressed. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept for two nights and I mean like at all. I forget to eat I get so anxious and either way I sometimes feel so nauseous I don’t want to eat. My family doesn’t really get it, to them ocd is always just an excuse, or it’s for drama. I have tried to ease myself into the idea that maybe everything is chaos. Bad things happen to good people everything has an end, etc. it’s much easier said than done. If life is an ever changing stormy sea of waves than I’m barely clinging onto anything.

I’ve struggled for POCD for years, since I was 17 and I’m 22 now, about to be 23. I had other obsessions, HOCD being the second worst, but now even that doesn’t bother me anymore. When I developed POCD it was a very traumatizing day. I was just figuring out that I had OCD and researching pure O OCD and saw POCD listed underneath the types of obsessions. I was so freaked out by the possibility of that that I developed it. I ended up spiraling into a panic attack and watched videos on YouTube that had children in them in order to try and prove that I didn’t have POCD. But of course that just made it worse. I went to therapy and did ERT which made it a lot better, but even back then I was still uncomfortable talking about my groinal responses and false attraction responses so I don’t think I fully treated it. I was able to be fine for a long time, years, of me being able to be okay with dealing with POCD even when It popped up. It mainly only bothered me when I saw children in media for some reason but not in real life. Now it’s just both Oh and I’ve been a summer camp counselor since I was 15, so I’ve worked with kids every summer. I think POCD is especially difficult for me because I’ve always enjoyed working with kids and it deeply scared me.😭 It wasn’t until last summer that I started to notice it being more difficult to deal with again. Then I went through a rough patch in my life and since then it’s been way worse on and off again. I will go through the motions of feeling like “okay I’m just gonna think maybe, maybe not. I don’t care, I know myself so I’ll be fine. I’m a great person. I can handle this.” To something actually triggering me and me feeling this intense and gripping feeling of anxiety, like a sinking pit in my stomach and then it’s so hard to turn away from. I’ve tried doing ERT on my own but as soon as I stop I always feel like I move backwards. I just don’t know if I can ever move past this like I have with my other obsessions…it is so haunting and has traumatized me more than once. I’m working on seeing an OCD therapist, most likely through the NOCD app. So I am planning to do that as soon as I can, I just feel so frustrated right now…I’ve kept being triggered the past 2 weeks and I just want it to leave me alone. I don’t want to think about these things. I just want to focus on living my life. It’s so annoying and awful, and it makes me feel sick and so uncomfortable. It’s like telling someone to stop but they won’t; my brain just won’t stop even though I want it to. And my intrusive thoughts are paired with images, so it’s also like having something awful shoved in my face that I can’t turn away from because it’s in my mind. I just really felt the need to vent some of my feelings out…I’ve been going through a rough time again, had a lot of stress over college exams & projects, had a misunderstanding with my partner, got a random tooth pain, and also got screwed over on said project by my team members giving me awful scores for no reason. So yeah it’s just been rough 😔I will be going to the dentist soon. Ugh just so many bad things are happening and OCD just makes it feel worse. Sometimes I think what if the universe is punishing me for having POCD? Then I try to remember to be kind to myself instead. If you’re dealing with this you’re not alone ❤️

I find myself questioning things I’d never question about my life. I’m thinking I’ve actually been driven to contemplate these dark things because my ocd has pushed me over the edge. So it’s kinda that my intrusive thoughts have come true. It’s not fair! I feel super hopeless, then I get scared that I felt that way then the ocd kicks in and I start contemplating things like “it’s all hopeless I feel I am going to carry out (insert violent thought here).”. I don’t get it guys… I don’t have the money for therapy right now so crisis chats and this is my best option. I’ll definitely say ocd and my poor sleep bug habit are what has pushed me to these depths. What I don’t get though is I’m not inherently violent, I thought I was always a hopeful person on the inside, I don’t have depression. That and I love my family, I don’t want harm to come to them but the moment I get the hopelessness it makes me question wether or not it’s worth it. I’m living my worst nightmare. By the way I’m not dangerous, I don’t have any deficits in empathy what’s wrong with me. I’m in denial, I can’t believe I’m capable of genuinely thinking these things. Oh and then I have this suicidal spiral. I’ve had suicidal ocd but now I think it’s also partially true since I’ve been in such a dark spot. I know they say that if you’re not comforted by the idea of sleeping forever it prolly means it’s just ocd and well let me say it’s not comforting. Back to back I’m like “do I want to kill myself? Am I feeling that? Will I do it?” And I feel so hopeless that the thought comes in but no I DONT WANT IT. So it’s like half ocd and half my mental distress. But lord no I don’t want it and I don’t want to live in a reality where I contemplate it. Someone just help me… Why are my emotions so intense I question these things? Ocd is involved I know but I’m telling you this hopelessness had made me contemplate things that ocd wouldn’t typically do. I don’t have personality disorders or any other mental illness. HELP ME!

I don’t know where else to go, I feel as though my depression just keeps getting worse and worse and even though my ocd is under control, it still makes me upset. It truly is a life ruiner and there’s nothing I could do about it but take medication and learn to adapt. Not only that, I’m starting to feel like my home isn’t a “happy home” that much anymore. Everyday or at least every other day there is an argument between my parents. I hear it, even at times where it’s 1 am and I can literally hear them angrily have sex and THEN going back to arguing and crying and shit. This is relevant because I started getting more unwanted thoughts about my dad and mom, not only with my harm ocd but maybe a newly stemming ocd too ? 100% gross sexual images pop into my head and I fucking hate it. I just need some comfort and to be told I’m not alone.