I need a space to breathe and rant and get stuff off my chest so this is what I’m using this for now. I hate being angry. I hate it so much cause I always feel like I have less control over my thoughts and feelings and it makes me feel like I have no control over possible actions etc. which makes it really hard with harm ocd. But it feels like an endless loop, because my ocd is so frustrating it makes me angry, and that makes me feel less in control, so the circle continues. It sucks feeling like if anyone knew what it looked like sometimes inside your head, maybe they wouldn’t love you and they wouldn’t see you the same way. I feel so lonely and hollow that days. I have so many “friends” but they all make me feel more lonely, cause everything is so superficial and pointless and sitting with them just makes me feel like I need to withdraw deeper into myself because they don’t get it and they don’t really want to get it or care. I want to scream and cry cause I can’t control anything. I can’t stop the people I love from dying one day, I cant stop time, and I can’t keep things the same forever. I’m so tired of doubting everything about myself. Am I a pedophile? Am I a danger to my loved ones? Am I psychotic? Ya da ya da ya da. This endless anxiety I have it feels like it’s slowly killing me and it’s making me depressed. I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept for two nights and I mean like at all. I forget to eat I get so anxious and either way I sometimes feel so nauseous I don’t want to eat. My family doesn’t really get it, to them ocd is always just an excuse, or it’s for drama. I have tried to ease myself into the idea that maybe everything is chaos. Bad things happen to good people everything has an end, etc. it’s much easier said than done. If life is an ever changing stormy sea of waves than I’m barely clinging onto anything.

I see you. You sound incredibly lonely and frustrated. You are right though in that you can use this as a place to rant, and we are here to listen. Also you have my insta. :) Ocd can be so isolating. Along the way I’ve found friends who struggle with mental health problems who I can talk with, but none of them have ocd specifically. They don’t “get it” exactly but they also know what mental illness is like and are able to listen to me open up about it. My family definitely didn’t get it when I first started having ocd, but they’re getting better with time. My mom still makes “I’m so ocd haha” jokes. Idk where I’m going with this really but I guess things do get better, life is constantly changing and sometimes good things do happen. You’ll learn to manage your health, life will keep going, and who knows, you might make some friends who “get it” along the way.

you have the right to be angry the nonstop bully in your head would make anyone angry, hang in there, youre not alone and i hope you have less suffering in the future 🙏

Anxiety and OCD can present as anger. I most certainly experience this, rather than the "typical" anxious symptoms, the angry stuff will start. I believe my therapist gave me this insight or upon my one research into OCD I found this information. It was beneficial to me to finally understand that and when I get angry now, for the most part I try to pay attention and pause, ask myself, "ok so I haven't been this angry in a long time at this type of situation, is there a deeper emotion here? What's going on? Deep breath. Ok, ok I'm probably anxious about something..." Then I do what my therapist has told me to progress through it. OCD sucks because you're always feeling so many intense emotions and then intense doubts. I get angry and frustrated because I know if I didn't have this thing, things would be a lot easier. I hear you and see you.