- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
Girl... break ups are THE WORST. I know exactly how you feel. But here’s the thing. 1. If she wasn’t there for you through your worst times then she clearly wasn’t the one for you. 2. You have got to learn how to empower yourself. This took me a year and a half before I finally figured out, hey I’m actually not garbage. 3. She is not the only one out there. Sometimes we feel such a connection to someone, and it’s great, but it doesn’t always work out. That just means that there is someone way better for you out there who will love and support you through all your seasons of life. You deserve happiness, and you deserve to respect yourself. If you are feeling suicidal please reach out to a hotline or go to your local ER. I say it’s time to whip out a good ol’ tub of Ben and Jerry’s and watch whatever makes you feel better! We love you queen, keep your head up!!!!!
- Date posted
- 5y
Eheh! Thank you! Your message made me smile. Specially the last phrase. It made my day... Really, thank you. I've did a few things in our relationship that I regret. There wasn't physical or emotional abuse but I had a few toxic behaviors that I fixed. It was because of ocd. Ocd makes me more clingy and desperate for her love when I get a spike of anxiety and so I did something (a few times) a lot of months ago that I regret, like I said, nothing serious but its something I regret and stopped doing it. I really thank you for your positivity. But the truth is, she deserves better. She's prettier, smarter, etc. I was out of her league (is that the right expression). She just deserves better. I'm fact, I feel like everyone would deserve better than me.
- Date posted
- 5y
@myocdstory You deserve love and deserve to love yourself. I was in the same mindset as you after my break up. But you have to look in that mirror everyday and say”damn, who is that awesome person in that mirror!!?”. Everyone deserves to feel great about themselves. Just try and work on it and maybe talk to a therapist. It helps. Ocd gave me so many toxic habits, but you have to work through it. We believe in you!
- Date posted
- 5y
@person1 I wish I could go to a therapist because of this but psicologists here are bloody judgemental. >< and I don't want to hear clichés like "get over it". (sighs) I'm so sorry... I'm just in a depressed mood right now. I truly appreciate your replies to me. You've made my day!
- Date posted
- 5y
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now...the first breakup is probably the hardest (I've had one long term relationship myself, so have only been through one breakup and I am believing that one will be the hardest just because I don't have to live a first break up again, like been there done that!! These types of loss do cause real grief. Many people don't realize that and it is completely ok to feel grief over this loss. I think with more time you will find that these intense emotions will subside. It does take awhile. And only you can decide how long it will take, don't rush grief. I do not think you are innocent, gullible or childish...break ups are HARD!! They just SUCK!! I am a strong believer in "it takes two to tango" so try not to place all the blame on yourself, ultimately I think that is working against your forward progress. You're not betraying her when and if you decide to date someone else, this relationship has ended so you have free reign to do as you please! You can live for that next book you want to read, that next show you want to binge, that next favorite food of yours that you get to enjoy, that next cup of hot tea, that next smile you get to give the stranger that needs it, the advice I'm sure you'll wonderfully provide here to someone else in need...nah, I think you've still got PLENTY to live for, even though living in and of itself is just HARD. But, we can do hard things and YOU can do hard things! Keep hanging on, something good has to happen, even if that good is something so small as, "well today I really like the cut of Earl grey tea I had this morning". I hope the sting from your grief starts to lift very soon. Please hang in there!
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you. I'm glad I'm not being seen as childish.... I've had 3 meltdowns over the course of these 3 months. Now, I'm just overly depressed about it. I sleep a lot and I feel like crap. I have to pretend I'm ok to everyone or people get mad at me. One thing that really pissed me off when she broke up with me was "youll find someone else". It felt like our relationship didn't mean anything... Sorry I'm rambling. I could never date again. I mean... Look at me! I'm nothing but a worthless human. I've nothing to give... And I'm often used and disposed. It makes sense! I'm just trash! Haha. I'm so sorry... I'm in a dark mood today.
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey, I just want to say I love ya girl. I am so so sad to hear that you are hurting. Its so hard. That is a real feeling. And I'm so sorry you have to feel it. But we love you. Helena... Please will you keep going? I really really want you to keep going so you can be happy again. You went through something hard. But its not over. If you give up today, you'll never have the chance to find joy. Before you met her, were you ever sad? Did you ever feel like giving up? What if you had committed suicide the first time you were sad? You never would have met her, you never would have started OCD recovery, and in absolutely willing to bet that so many beautiful things in your life would have never happened. Dont give up love. It sucks. So much. And were praying for you. But let yourself have the joy that's coming. Someone once told me that life has an equal amount of happy and sad in it. Like if you have a bad year, you can expect an equally good year later on. Life swings like a pendulum... As sad as it can be, there is happiness on the other side of the pendulum swing. I dont know if that helps or if that is strictly accurate or whatever, but it is helpful I hope. Don't stop now, because you will miss any good that is coming. And I absolutely promise you Helena that there are opportunities coming for you to find happiness. 💛
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you so much for your kindness as always... It means a lot to me and I don't know how to ever thank your generosity. This isn't the first time I've wanted to kill myself. When I was 15-18, I went through a really bad, major depressive episode. I've started experiencing it at 12 but it got worse when I was 15. I'm not diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and back then it was so bad and I even had a eating disorder. I thought I was fat. And I thought I was ugly. Still do! When I first met my gf, I thought "well, if every bad thing that happened to me lead me to meet this wonderful person, then I'm glad it happened". But when she broke up with me I saw that it was another fate of destiny. I'm giving up on love. I know that I won't be able to love someone else again, or vice-versa. I'll have a miserable life in front of me. It's just not her. It's everything. I went to a major I wasn't thrilled at because my dad forced me. And I can never go to the major I want to because it's expensive and I'm old. I just... I don't have anything right now besides my family, which isn't very supportive of anything. I'm lonely. I don't go out (nor I'm allowed to by my strict dad), I don't have many friends, I can't drive (because I'm terrified of it). I don't have a degree because it was too much for my idiotic head. Im just a failure. I'm not smart nor pretty. I'm just nice. But being nice doesn't get me anywhere. I'm just an embarrassment for everyone. I'm a piece of trash... I could never date again... Who would like me? I'm nothing.
- Date posted
- 5y
And like they said... Please be safe. Call 911 if you need to. Be strong for us and those who love you, if not for you💛💪
- Date posted
- 5y
I just wanted to add that I never deserved her in the first place... You are going to hate me after you find out about this but... When I started dating, I think I experienced some sort of relationship ocd, I think. At the time I didn't know that I had ocd. So I had thoughts that I wasn't attracted to her and that I found her ugly and even questioned if I deserved better.... I'm such a bad person... This only lasted a few weeks because I knew if I broke up with her id regret it because I thought she was amazing. Fast foward a few months, I started feeling super guilty about having had these thoughts in the first place... I felt so guilty that I confessed them to her. She got sad but forgave me... But I couldn't forgive myself... Till this day, I never felt worthy of her because of them...
- Date posted
- 5y
@myocdstory Hey. You're not going to like this but because I care about you in telling you anyway. Two things. One... Imagine you had killed yourself at 15. You never would have had ANY good experiences since then. And yes, your break up hurt. Really bad! That is a real thing. But did you feel any moments of happiness since you were 15? And not just with her. Before you met her, were there any little things you enjoyed? Point is... Right now you feel like you did when you were younger and going through suicidal thoughts. You looked back at those days and told yourself you were glad you stayed because of the things that happened after that period of time. Don't you think it is logical that something really great can be in your future, but that you can't see it now? When you were 15, you didn't know about the good that was coming. Right now you don't either. Can you trust me on this one? Can you try? I don't want to reassure you because it won't help. But please please try to think about what GOOD can come in the future, and what little good is around now. You are still living on that planet, so that means you have a chance to be happier. You don't believe me, but I promise its true. Keep going. One day at a time. Really truly just keep pushing. And you know what H... You have my.permission to do whatever you need to to keep yourself healthy and safe.if that means sleeping in, eating ice cream, binge watching Netflix, please do it. I think very highly of you and I know you can beat this thing. Like another friend told me, "if you are a terrible person you've done a great job deceoving me."
- Date posted
- 5y
@Daisy102 We all feel like we are hiding our true terrible selves. Unfortunately ocd gets like that. But please don't give up. Here, we are all secretly "terrible", according to OCD anyway. Please stay... We need your company! 💛💛💛keep going love. Ill pray for you
- Date posted
- 5y
@Daisy102 Thank you so much... I actually cried reading your message. To be honest, from 15 to 22 (before I started dating her), not many good things happened... Between suffering at school, ocd and self-worth, I don't know which one is worse. I was humiliated in high school and in college (twice, because of a smell problem - it got better but I used to smell poorly if I got overly anxious). I was depressed, I cut myself, I wouldn't eat, I stole, etc, etc. My gf was the best thing that happened in 10 years... And ocd took it away.. Don't worry. I won't kill myself but I am extremely blue. I have nothing going for myself. When I met her, I finally knew what being loved felt like. It hurt so much that she gave up on me.... That she left without fighting... Everything hurts because I feel lonelier than ever. I truly don't deserve to be in this world... I'm a bad person and disgusting too.
- Date posted
- 5y
@myocdstory Thank you for keeping your Self safe, love. Ill keep praying for you. Wouldn't this be a great time to see what good CAN happen? What is something small that you wish you could do but you don't think you can? How can you work toward it? Scientifically speaking, you can form a hypothesis and experiment. If your hypothesis is "I can't do [blank]", then try to prove yourself wrong and do it. Just keep going love. Somethibg that has really helped me is at the end of the day writing down one thing I did well. H- I'm going to come on here tonight and I want to hear one thing you did well. Even if its eating 3 meals or getting out of bed or reading.... Etc. Can you please think about it for me? Sending hugs and girl power💪💪💛
- Date posted
- 5y
Cup*
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
Hello everyone, I'm writing this because I've been struggling heavily for the past two months. I went through a breakup that I won't go into vast detail about. However, it was very abrupt with little "closure" or reasoning. It was simply based off of intuition from the other person, which is completely valid - he also said I didn't do anything wrong. This uncertainty already sounds like an OCD nightmare, which is why I'm sharing my story. There was no incompatibility, unshared values, patterns. Probably just no communication on his end towards when he started having this feeling. I thought this person was MY person, and it certainly was heavily reciprocated and initiated by him. He is also my coworker, and someone I went into a relationship with massive intentions, the slow burn and serendipity of it was special to me. This connection was a safe space and I put all my trust into him, he was my rock romantically and when things were good, he really built that trust up with me and I never wanted to let it go. I also thought I was a good partner, and tried my best. Of course I still had my family/friends, school, apartment life, career. I really felt like everything in my life had lined up and this relationship was the cherry on top for a while. Obviously we both made mistakes and there was ups and downs, but I never once questioned my love for him or thought he might suddenly leave. Which is something that can happen to anyone. After our breakup, I felt completely lost, betrayed, blindsided.....and to make matters worse, I blame myself for everything and my OCD immediately went into max gear. The uncertainty of the entire situation was so scary to me, all I could say or think was that I was scared. And I wasn't ready to face the pain that was about to come, not to mention the OCD already creeping up into full panic mode, especially without a person I considered a huge support system. OCD looks for clarity - not just me as a human looking for clarity. It felt like there was layers and layers of complexity for me that I couldn't face, if that makes sense. Unfortunately, I made a horrible mistake and attempted S. After going through an extremely vulnerable situation at the hospital, I went through inpatient and found it extremely difficult to accept my old life was simply gone, out of thin air. After I came out, I couldn't even be in my own apartment. I didn't feel safe, in a place I worked hard to get and felt "independent" in. Independence was one of my biggest personal values, now I feel anxiously attached. I also didn't feel safe at work, which was once a good distraction for me and something I also worked hard towards, I can't quit. And not to mention, the loss of an important relationship. I sought support from my family, who has been so unbelievably supportive and I also started to try to figure out what I was going to do. It was extremely hard trying to find an Intensive Outpatient Program that would work with my schedule, and also I was set to start my new semester in school again soon. I ended up setting up therapy with NO OCD twice a week. My therapist has been EXTREMELY helpful, and I honestly did not think that finding someone specialized in OCD would be so life changing. Anyway after everything that happened, I'm still struggling with feeling like a BAD person. It's my reoccurring theme. I thought that I was somehow a manipulator because of my attempt. I know I reacted poorly, but I'm also learning to give myself grace for the pure pain anyone would feel and know that it was an isolated incident (never talked about it before, especially not in relationship). I also try to remind myself that my situation is unique and only I know the pain. I also think back again and again, to every little thing I could have done wrong and it hurts me. I think about isolated mistakes or things I said, and think that's the reason why my whole relationship failed. I take the blame for everything. And it all ties back to me being a bad person. It feels like it's never ending. Sometimes I feel good, but it's still really hard to stop the cycle for me. I think about every little thing. I honestly couldn't even slightly comprehend how someone can vastly change their behavior - it felt like he truly died. That person who I got into a relationship, was no longer here. Interpreting his behavior, actions and words has been difficult, not to mention my own - but It's easier for me as I continue to give myself grace knowing that I did what I could within the relationship with the information I had. I also try to remind myself that I took a lot of accountability, and would have listened if things were brought up. The same mistakes I made, were not the same he made - but OCD keeps trying to make me overly reflect on myself only, if that makes sense. Taking OCD away completely - interpreting that is already complex. Adding OCD, it's horrible...my brain keep trying to find certainty in SOMETHING, anything. So little things come to my head, and suddenly I'm a bad person. Suddenly, he's reached happiness and I lost him because....I'm a bad person. Suddenly I was too needy, too much, showed my OCD, and he thought I was a bad person. It's honestly exhausting. I've never hid my OCD, but I did feel like I was actively working on it and also trying to be a good partner, sister, daughter, friend. I was content, and I wasn't expecting this or maybe I would have been more prepared, I've had breakups before with longer relationships. It's hard to know how OCD just came into FULL gear after this hardship, it's hard to know that - although I was working on it - I felt content and wasn't experiencing symptoms regularly. Suddenly, I was in full panic mode all the time. It's made me question my entire reality, I hope this makes sense. I know the levels of this were traumatic, and I am doing A LOT better just two months in. I'm looking forward to more progress and hope that I can accept uncertainty more and more. Regardless of how I felt, he can suddenly leave and without reason. And I'm learning that not everything is my fault, and that I have so many good things in my life I should be grateful for. Although when I came out of the hospital everything was flipped upside down, I still have a job....an apartment and family/friends and school, not to mention the work I need to do on myself and OCD. Maybe one aspect of my life (relationship), is gone - but everything else is still there. It's hard, I've been staying with my mom and this weekend I'm going back to my apartment to face my loneliness. With the help of my therapist, I'm learning to be uncomfortable in my apartment. I think this experience has COMPLETELY broken me as a person, but because of it I was able to face my OCD head on in a way I've NEVER had to do before. I could have probably kept it symptom free for the most part, but this has challenged me in a way I never thought possible - almost as if - I get through this, I might be able to defeat it. And also understand pain on such a deep level, that I can be there for my family, friends, etc in a new way I never thought possible. I probably forgot to include a lot of stuff, but lets just accept that it's extremely complex to explain - and all I know is that I'm not a bad person because OCD says so.....separating the relationship from the attempt. In the relationship, I tried my absolute best and we both made mistakes. In the attempt, I can acknowledge my pain and move forward from it in a non judgmental and graceful way. Even though I delt with extreme guilt for putting my family through something they couldn't understand and guilt for myself and for everyone involved, even though I know it's okay.
- NOCD Therapy Alumni
- Existential OCD
- Suicidal OCD
- "Pure" OCD
- BIPOC with OCD
- Relationship OCD
- Students with OCD
- Date posted
- 22w
hey you guys i’m new to the app, i just wanted to come on here and share part of what i’ve been struggling with recently- around the beginning of 2024 i started having intrusive thoughts and they completely took over my life to the point where i began planning my suicide once i had finished out some of my commitments for that year. during that time i met this girl and we began texting and keeping in touch with each other every single day since last february. (tw suicide) unfortunately i did have to spend some time in a hospital after i attempted suicide in may of 2024 and i never really knew if this girl was into me or if she even liked girls but we kept talking up until the end of october where we finally said we liked each other. immediately i could tell smth was wrong bc i was shaking and crying and completely scared because i wanted to be very clear that i couldn’t commit to a relationship and then i disclosed to her i was in the hospital in may and i still hadn’t fully recovered from that (#stillhavent #butiwillsoitsokay😛) and i felt awful that i had responded to such an amazing moment like that andever since then i had been plagued with these constant thoughts about not liking her, being straight (which i still don’t know and fully branched out into SOOCD and i have an incredibly hard time distinguishing what is OCD and what is genuinely true about my sexuality because ive never really felt like this for a girl) and for about 4 months we went out on dates where i felt absolutely horrible because i felt like i wasn’t acting like myself or i was being rude to her or i was more attracted to male passerby’s than her or i accidentally thought something about her that just felt so mean and horrible. i also convinced myself it could never work because i couldn’t picture her face and that continued for the first two months, but then i decided to call things off at the beginning of march because i just couldn’t handle debating if i actually liked her if i was gay if i was a horrible person and if i was wrong for all the things i thought every single day and currently we’re on a break because i tried to call things off and she kind of talked me out of it in a very kind and understanding way. i just hate leaving her in limbo because at the end of the day i just want her to be happy because she is an amazing incredible and sweet person and if i wasted more of her time i’d feel even more awful. kinda long lowk… if u read all this thank u and lmk what u think:)
- Date posted
- 20w
First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?
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