- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Girl... break ups are THE WORST. I know exactly how you feel. But here’s the thing. 1. If she wasn’t there for you through your worst times then she clearly wasn’t the one for you. 2. You have got to learn how to empower yourself. This took me a year and a half before I finally figured out, hey I’m actually not garbage. 3. She is not the only one out there. Sometimes we feel such a connection to someone, and it’s great, but it doesn’t always work out. That just means that there is someone way better for you out there who will love and support you through all your seasons of life. You deserve happiness, and you deserve to respect yourself. If you are feeling suicidal please reach out to a hotline or go to your local ER. I say it’s time to whip out a good ol’ tub of Ben and Jerry’s and watch whatever makes you feel better! We love you queen, keep your head up!!!!!
- Date posted
- 4y
Eheh! Thank you! Your message made me smile. Specially the last phrase. It made my day... Really, thank you. I've did a few things in our relationship that I regret. There wasn't physical or emotional abuse but I had a few toxic behaviors that I fixed. It was because of ocd. Ocd makes me more clingy and desperate for her love when I get a spike of anxiety and so I did something (a few times) a lot of months ago that I regret, like I said, nothing serious but its something I regret and stopped doing it. I really thank you for your positivity. But the truth is, she deserves better. She's prettier, smarter, etc. I was out of her league (is that the right expression). She just deserves better. I'm fact, I feel like everyone would deserve better than me.
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory You deserve love and deserve to love yourself. I was in the same mindset as you after my break up. But you have to look in that mirror everyday and say”damn, who is that awesome person in that mirror!!?”. Everyone deserves to feel great about themselves. Just try and work on it and maybe talk to a therapist. It helps. Ocd gave me so many toxic habits, but you have to work through it. We believe in you!
- Date posted
- 4y
@person1 I wish I could go to a therapist because of this but psicologists here are bloody judgemental. >< and I don't want to hear clichés like "get over it". (sighs) I'm so sorry... I'm just in a depressed mood right now. I truly appreciate your replies to me. You've made my day!
- Date posted
- 4y
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much right now...the first breakup is probably the hardest (I've had one long term relationship myself, so have only been through one breakup and I am believing that one will be the hardest just because I don't have to live a first break up again, like been there done that!! These types of loss do cause real grief. Many people don't realize that and it is completely ok to feel grief over this loss. I think with more time you will find that these intense emotions will subside. It does take awhile. And only you can decide how long it will take, don't rush grief. I do not think you are innocent, gullible or childish...break ups are HARD!! They just SUCK!! I am a strong believer in "it takes two to tango" so try not to place all the blame on yourself, ultimately I think that is working against your forward progress. You're not betraying her when and if you decide to date someone else, this relationship has ended so you have free reign to do as you please! You can live for that next book you want to read, that next show you want to binge, that next favorite food of yours that you get to enjoy, that next cup of hot tea, that next smile you get to give the stranger that needs it, the advice I'm sure you'll wonderfully provide here to someone else in need...nah, I think you've still got PLENTY to live for, even though living in and of itself is just HARD. But, we can do hard things and YOU can do hard things! Keep hanging on, something good has to happen, even if that good is something so small as, "well today I really like the cut of Earl grey tea I had this morning". I hope the sting from your grief starts to lift very soon. Please hang in there!
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you. I'm glad I'm not being seen as childish.... I've had 3 meltdowns over the course of these 3 months. Now, I'm just overly depressed about it. I sleep a lot and I feel like crap. I have to pretend I'm ok to everyone or people get mad at me. One thing that really pissed me off when she broke up with me was "youll find someone else". It felt like our relationship didn't mean anything... Sorry I'm rambling. I could never date again. I mean... Look at me! I'm nothing but a worthless human. I've nothing to give... And I'm often used and disposed. It makes sense! I'm just trash! Haha. I'm so sorry... I'm in a dark mood today.
- Date posted
- 4y
Hey, I just want to say I love ya girl. I am so so sad to hear that you are hurting. Its so hard. That is a real feeling. And I'm so sorry you have to feel it. But we love you. Helena... Please will you keep going? I really really want you to keep going so you can be happy again. You went through something hard. But its not over. If you give up today, you'll never have the chance to find joy. Before you met her, were you ever sad? Did you ever feel like giving up? What if you had committed suicide the first time you were sad? You never would have met her, you never would have started OCD recovery, and in absolutely willing to bet that so many beautiful things in your life would have never happened. Dont give up love. It sucks. So much. And were praying for you. But let yourself have the joy that's coming. Someone once told me that life has an equal amount of happy and sad in it. Like if you have a bad year, you can expect an equally good year later on. Life swings like a pendulum... As sad as it can be, there is happiness on the other side of the pendulum swing. I dont know if that helps or if that is strictly accurate or whatever, but it is helpful I hope. Don't stop now, because you will miss any good that is coming. And I absolutely promise you Helena that there are opportunities coming for you to find happiness. 💛
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you so much for your kindness as always... It means a lot to me and I don't know how to ever thank your generosity. This isn't the first time I've wanted to kill myself. When I was 15-18, I went through a really bad, major depressive episode. I've started experiencing it at 12 but it got worse when I was 15. I'm not diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) and back then it was so bad and I even had a eating disorder. I thought I was fat. And I thought I was ugly. Still do! When I first met my gf, I thought "well, if every bad thing that happened to me lead me to meet this wonderful person, then I'm glad it happened". But when she broke up with me I saw that it was another fate of destiny. I'm giving up on love. I know that I won't be able to love someone else again, or vice-versa. I'll have a miserable life in front of me. It's just not her. It's everything. I went to a major I wasn't thrilled at because my dad forced me. And I can never go to the major I want to because it's expensive and I'm old. I just... I don't have anything right now besides my family, which isn't very supportive of anything. I'm lonely. I don't go out (nor I'm allowed to by my strict dad), I don't have many friends, I can't drive (because I'm terrified of it). I don't have a degree because it was too much for my idiotic head. Im just a failure. I'm not smart nor pretty. I'm just nice. But being nice doesn't get me anywhere. I'm just an embarrassment for everyone. I'm a piece of trash... I could never date again... Who would like me? I'm nothing.
- Date posted
- 4y
And like they said... Please be safe. Call 911 if you need to. Be strong for us and those who love you, if not for you💛💪
- Date posted
- 4y
I just wanted to add that I never deserved her in the first place... You are going to hate me after you find out about this but... When I started dating, I think I experienced some sort of relationship ocd, I think. At the time I didn't know that I had ocd. So I had thoughts that I wasn't attracted to her and that I found her ugly and even questioned if I deserved better.... I'm such a bad person... This only lasted a few weeks because I knew if I broke up with her id regret it because I thought she was amazing. Fast foward a few months, I started feeling super guilty about having had these thoughts in the first place... I felt so guilty that I confessed them to her. She got sad but forgave me... But I couldn't forgive myself... Till this day, I never felt worthy of her because of them...
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory Hey. You're not going to like this but because I care about you in telling you anyway. Two things. One... Imagine you had killed yourself at 15. You never would have had ANY good experiences since then. And yes, your break up hurt. Really bad! That is a real thing. But did you feel any moments of happiness since you were 15? And not just with her. Before you met her, were there any little things you enjoyed? Point is... Right now you feel like you did when you were younger and going through suicidal thoughts. You looked back at those days and told yourself you were glad you stayed because of the things that happened after that period of time. Don't you think it is logical that something really great can be in your future, but that you can't see it now? When you were 15, you didn't know about the good that was coming. Right now you don't either. Can you trust me on this one? Can you try? I don't want to reassure you because it won't help. But please please try to think about what GOOD can come in the future, and what little good is around now. You are still living on that planet, so that means you have a chance to be happier. You don't believe me, but I promise its true. Keep going. One day at a time. Really truly just keep pushing. And you know what H... You have my.permission to do whatever you need to to keep yourself healthy and safe.if that means sleeping in, eating ice cream, binge watching Netflix, please do it. I think very highly of you and I know you can beat this thing. Like another friend told me, "if you are a terrible person you've done a great job deceoving me."
- Date posted
- 4y
@Daisy102 We all feel like we are hiding our true terrible selves. Unfortunately ocd gets like that. But please don't give up. Here, we are all secretly "terrible", according to OCD anyway. Please stay... We need your company! 💛💛💛keep going love. Ill pray for you
- Date posted
- 4y
@Daisy102 Thank you so much... I actually cried reading your message. To be honest, from 15 to 22 (before I started dating her), not many good things happened... Between suffering at school, ocd and self-worth, I don't know which one is worse. I was humiliated in high school and in college (twice, because of a smell problem - it got better but I used to smell poorly if I got overly anxious). I was depressed, I cut myself, I wouldn't eat, I stole, etc, etc. My gf was the best thing that happened in 10 years... And ocd took it away.. Don't worry. I won't kill myself but I am extremely blue. I have nothing going for myself. When I met her, I finally knew what being loved felt like. It hurt so much that she gave up on me.... That she left without fighting... Everything hurts because I feel lonelier than ever. I truly don't deserve to be in this world... I'm a bad person and disgusting too.
- Date posted
- 4y
@myocdstory Thank you for keeping your Self safe, love. Ill keep praying for you. Wouldn't this be a great time to see what good CAN happen? What is something small that you wish you could do but you don't think you can? How can you work toward it? Scientifically speaking, you can form a hypothesis and experiment. If your hypothesis is "I can't do [blank]", then try to prove yourself wrong and do it. Just keep going love. Somethibg that has really helped me is at the end of the day writing down one thing I did well. H- I'm going to come on here tonight and I want to hear one thing you did well. Even if its eating 3 meals or getting out of bed or reading.... Etc. Can you please think about it for me? Sending hugs and girl power💪💪💛
- Date posted
- 4y
Cup*
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
Hello. I am on my first relationship, (and I want it to be my only!) I've been at it for nearly 2 years, and it first starting happening a few months in. When the relationship started, it felt perfect to me. We are both extremely different people, we have different taste, different humor (but we both made each other laugh!) and just a different way of talking about things, (I tend to be more analytical, while she isn't as much). But I considered these differences to be fine, I never felt like it was an issue because our core values are very similar and I consider her a very intelligent girl. We just enjoyed time together, and each other, I thought she was cute as hell, and even if she didn't talk in depth about a lot of stuff, that didn't matter, I enjoyed the quiet times with her just as much as the talkative times. When the OCD kicked in, that's when I started to question everything, I questioned if I even loved her in the first place, if our relationship was just a sham, if I even found her attractive in the first place, her intelligence, her point of view, even dumb petty stuff like "oh she likes THAT movie???". After my first major breakdown, I confessed a lot to her. At this point, I didn't even know what was going on until I started to look into it. And that's where I found ROCD. On one hand, it was satisfying to see something I could point to as "the problem", on the other hand, I think it gave me bad motivation, it reassured me that this was something that I could just try and ignore. After I cooled down from this, I once again had a long period of bliss. I had a good schedule with her. >Go to work >Hang out with her (spend the night at her place sometimes) >go home and hang out with friends I enjoyed my time with her, taking part in her interests, and her taking part in mine. She wasn't always 100% into the things that I was, and that was always a bit disappointing to me, but in the same way you'd be disappointed if your friend didn't like the thing you liked. (now I over analyze these moments and question if I did always care more about this or not) This moment of bliss would end after another huge trigger. A part of the OCD I have yet to mention is my tendency to be worried that "getting along with other people that I find attractive" is the equivalent of either cheating on my partner, or backstabbing them. There was someone at work that I found attractive and I had a moment where it felt like I may have developed a thing for them, I still don't know if it's true because I generally found them to be annoying at times. I made a joke during work, that felt like I was propping myself up to them, I still don't know my motivation behind this joke, because it feels like it could have been something that I would have joked about to anyone, but I'm still not even sure about it. Either way I basically had a panic attack and later confessed to my partner. I don't know if I should have done it, or not, because I'm to this day confused about my emotions during that situation. Regardless. She was hurt, but she forgave me. It felt like I couldn't look her in the eye and feel like a sincere person to her. After this major moment, I felt like I never recovered. I started to avoid talking to this person at work, or really many women at work at all because of the fear that I'd fall for them. When an attractive women shows up I try and end the conversation quickly, this has only created a fear for taking to people, and it's extremely stressful. I got by though. And I would continue to love my partner. Until another major breakdown. This one created a new type of numbness to my partner, that felt completely different, and it's way more convincing. I mentioned in the past that my partner and I are very different, and that we even have different ways of talking about interests. My partner very much enjoys things for what they are, there's not much analysis, and that's fine. Me (and my friends) are very analytical. Last month I was showing her a game I like, and I started to question if she was even tracking what was going on, or even understood it, I was obsessing over the idea that she didn't even care about it (even tho I know she has always taken interest in what I like). This way of thought broke my brain and it made me feel completely incompatible with her. I question my behavior when I was showing her stuff in the past, I remember moments in which I questioned if she was actually paying attention even during moments when the OCD was low. I question if she has the ability to even watch something and understand what's going on. All terrible thoughts, and all thoughts that I never want to have. I'm scared to talk to my friends half the time because the thoughts of them being more "intelligent and analytical" pulsate through my brain. My friends and I are extremely cynical, about things like the film industry and sometimes if I'm going in on something it feels like I'm shitting on her by proxy just because she doesn't care about it as much as I do. I've isolated myself from friends and I think that did worsen my condition, because when it's just only me and my partner hanging out, I feel like it started attacking her more. This is the part where it just doesn't feel like ROCD anymore. I used to not give a single shit about these things, I was able to make blanket statements like "I think TikTok sucks and it's users are annoying" knowing full well my partner uses TikTok every day. There was a separation between me making broad statements and then not necessarily being indictive of my partner SPECIFICALLY. Now it doesn't feel like I have much anxiety anymore, because it just feels like I've accepted that my partner is who she is and I "don't know if I love her" when in the past, I've accepted my partner for who she is, and I loved her anyway. I feel like I'm just not as connected to her as I once was. I used to enjoy everything with her, now my brain overanalyzes everything she does and says. I can't just relax. I feel like I've lost any amount of structure and this turned into a ramble. But I guess that's where I'm at now. I've been attempting getting proper health insurance so I can talk to someone and not break the bank. I think about the times when none of these ridiculous nitpicks didn't matter to me, and I cry about the idea of leaving her. Thank you for reading.
- Date posted
- 21w
I feel awful that I keep coming on here whenever I’m down bad but oh my gosh OCD is the most painful shit that I have EVER experienced in my life and I have a physical chronic illness…. I hate to say it but I hate living right now it’s too painful… im crying as I type to the point where my stomach is hurting, I have pretty severe ocd I do have generalized anxiety and idk if that is connected with ocd but because of that I have most of the subtypes REAL EVENT OCD,POCD,ZOCD,ROCD,SOCD HARM OCD, you name it and I got it!!! a lot of also why I have have those theme is trauma growing up and involving those things^ as of right now i’m 25 and a women with the most loving boyfriend in the entire world before my ocd hit me I NEVER questioned my love and care and attraction with the love of my life I always knew I was going to marry and be with this person the rest of my life! Now with ocd it confuses me soooo much and now I think I’m gay and didn’t realize or indenial and listen I get it “don’t look for reassurance!” “It’s not the thing ocd is attacking that is the problem ocd is the actual problem!” Here’s the thing with that if I’m in a relationship and I’m gay that would mean I would have to leave that said relationship and to say that “oh yeah that stuff happens and you’ll move on” is absolutely devastating to me this is THE LOVE OF MY LIFE and your telling me that iv been lying to myself this whole time or that I didn’t realize?!?!? And that sexuality can change (even though some say it can’t google says otherwise and some people have said it can’t idek anymore) and all this other BULLSHIT I can’t take it WHY?!?! why does this have to happen why can’t I just be with my love the rest of my life?!? and yes before anyone says anything I have been attracted to girls more so when I was younger watching lesbian porn liking the body’s and fantazing them sexually it stopped when I got older but I still don’t get disgusted with women who are pretty it just makes me uncomfortable because I’m with the love of my life and before I remember talking to my partner and discussing certain childhood things I experienced and we discussed that we both could be a little bi and for certain I’m (demi sexual so I don’t even really care about looks) and I truly didn’t care!! NOW I do care even with being bi because again I don’t like thinking about anyone else but my partner but I do also know my parents are homophobic and I do think about if I am gay they wouldn’t be okay with that and I also dont want to deal with that so now I sound like in indenial right?!???? I didn’t even care about labels before my ocd it just didn’t matter but now it’s effected my sex life and it’s hard for me to enjoy sex with being so confused I’m so confused I googled everything can you still have sexual fantasies with same gender but still be straight? Can you fantasize about same gender or imagine marrying them all of it !!! And non of that disgusts me it just makes me uncomfortable AGIAN only bc I just love the partner I’m with right now!!! I’m so fucking confused do I have to leave my partner and accept that I’m gay is that going to happen in the future if I get better with ocd and find out it’s been true all along?!???
- Date posted
- 16w
Hi, I'm 17,about to be 18. I've been struggling with these thoughts for the past 8 months. I was wondering if someone experienced ever the same because I feel im "different". BACKGROUND: (I'm not diagnosed with Ocd but seeing a local counselor) About 9 months ago I cheated on my boyfriend with this guy S (who blackmailed, manipulated and molested me). Since then when I realized that what i did was very WRONG and so I started ruminating picking apart every single interaction and telling my boyfriend, i tried to remember every single detail because otherwise I felt like i was being a fraud and hiding things to save myself, i had many crisis about it because I had also what i think was false memory ocd. My boyfriend forgave me idk how tbh I still wonder. CURRENT STRUGGLE: Months ago I was sure I didn't wanna S in any way and i was sure even when everything happened. For the past 2 months tho I've been having thoughts like " Do I love S?" "I love S" "S is hot" "Would S find me hot?" "What if I want S?" " What if I don't love my boyfriend enough?" "What if I secretly want S?" "What if I see my boyfriend as a friend only?Do I?" And I tried testing my reaction to intimate scenarios with S, I'm scared I like it i dont really wanna love S or have any secret attraction, I wish I didn't have any of this and I want to be sure of my feelings for my boyfriend because I know I wanna be with him and I see a future with him like he brings me comfort. But a part of me keeps trying to convince me otherwise. Sometimes I think I'd rather die than have these thoughts. Im so scared of not being able to control my feelings, im scared I can't resist S and its giving me anxiety and making me cry. Sometimes when i think of those sexual scenarios with S or I get those thoughts my mind tells me to smile because i like it because I find it funny. It makes me doubt myself all over again. Like I'm always like I need to test if I'd feel aroused to intimate scenarios with S, lately im trying to fight this urge to test and test but my mind is like "just do it this once so you can be sure. I can never watch anything romantic or sexual or whatever because my mind would be like "you and S" or sometimes I'm just enjoying time with my bf and im like " yes we can just have a sneaky cheating thing thats ok" and it makes me want to figure it out to find an answer a solution because idk it just does like I need to find the meaning of it if it means the truth and all. Im worried im just an awful person and these thoughts just ruin my quality of life . Today i had a crisis where i ended up doinf swlf harm, I'm so scared of finding someone that's not my boyfriend desirable or sexual appealing or whatever it is, I also have bodily reactions when I try to imagine and test my reaction to scenarios. Now i keep groing everytime and I dont know why but i have this sensation and I dont want to havebit especially when its something S related. Does someone experience the same thoughts? Am I alone in this? Is this ROCD? What should i do?
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