- Username
- catattak
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Just an update and big thank you to everyone who showed support and gave some helpful advice. Today is a new day and I'm so appreciative of your care and thoughtfulness. It's not all sunshine and rainbows but I am definitely not experiencing the intense ideation I was yesterday. One day at a time or even one moment at a time. You guys are so wonderful. Thank you so so much. I learned a lot of tips I can share with others who may need support in the future and I hope I can help you all out when you need it going forward. Thank you!!
That’s great you’re feeling some calmer today. ❤️
You wouldn't be wasting the crisis hotlines's time. Your life is valuable too. If you feel like you're in immediate danger, call the hospital or emergency service in your country. I know that's a big step to take, but we care about you and want you to be safe.
I just got the sense he dodnt really know what to tell me or how to make a safety plan with me. Maybe I should try again and see if I get a different person that is more helpful
@catattak I strongly suggest you try ☺.
I’m sorry. I’m glad you texted a friend and told her what was going on. I know it can be hard to tell a stranger over the phone about something as intimate as a suicide plan. It’s so personal. I hope you can get some rest tonight. I hope maybe tomorrow you can make a list of people who you can call/text when you’re feeling this hopeless. I think it could help just so much to be seen in moments like this. NOCD is great, but maybe you could look into some kind of support group, where you can make connections with other people face-to-face (or at least over video chat). I know of a nationwide faith-based support group that is actually still meeting in person. Let me know if those details would be helpful to you.
(Also, if you’re not up to that kind of research, I’m sure there are people in your life and on here who’d be happy to see if they can come up with peer support ideas.)
@Alyosha Thank you so much. I'm in Canada and not very religious ut I really appreciate the offer of details. I agree with you about creating a lost for myself of people I could reach out to
Yes remember healing is a journey. There will be mountains to climb on that journey, but you can do it.
Thank you so much. I'm feeling crushed under the weight of it today but I'm trying
I’m so sorry you were dealing with suicidal ideation. I struggle with it daily but I’m so glad you didn’t actually go through with it. This disorder is the worst, and often it feels isolating, hopeless, like there’s no way out and that your fears are coming true. But you’ll get through it. Sending you light and healing ❤️
I'm so sorry you go through this daily. For me its every few weeks but it hadn't been this strong I think ever. I'm doing better than earlier with support from people here and suggesting places to reach out
@catattak I’m so glad to hear it’s getting a little better from earlier :)
@catattak I’m so glad you talked to people and you’re safe 😊 and yeah it’s daily but thankfully it hasn’t been as bad as before where I would ruminate on the suicidal thoughts now it’s more fleeting.
@gaby. I was definitely ruminating today. Could not stop thinking and planning and planning my steps and what would need to be done to get it done smoothly and what I could accomplish to set it up
Please do try again. Find someone to sit with you until this has passed, even if that means it's by phone. What level is your fear/anxiety now?
That's a good point. If I cant tell my husband, I will try to have someone keep in touch with me by text. My anxiety is an 8or 9. 10 is an anxiety attack for me
What are 5 things you see right now?
My television. My phone.my feet. My cats toys. A chair
@catattak What's your cat's favorite toy?
@WhatATripp They have a red tunnel they like to play and sleep in. It's very adorable
Also, I'm sorry today is so freaking hard.
Thank you. I really appreciate your suggestion to have someone text me periodically tonight. I think that's what I need. Doing this alone felt too hard. But if I can have someone check in on me, that will help
@catattak Keeping in touch with someone is important. You are important. Perhaps you could find your therapist's number online and call it. Many will leave an emergency contact number that can be called.
@WhatATripp That's a good idea
I'll check in on this thread throughout the evening. You're not alone, and you don't have to get through this alone.
Thank you so much. I'm still waiting for a friend to respond to me so I can ask her to text me periodically
@catattak While you're waiting, what kind of cats do you have?
@WhatATripp They are just domestic short hairs. I rescued them, actually nearly 5 years ago. They just turned 5. We had a mini birthday celebration for them. Lots of cat nip and cat treats
@catattak That's cool! We rescued a tabby just over 14 years ago and two other cats made themselves at home 10 years ago.
@WhatATripp That sounds really nice! Older cats are so sweet. Low energy and just looking for love.
@catattak And always hungry...she forgets she's been fed :)
@WhatATripp Hahaha I think they all do. Or hope we'll forget
Sounds like our donkeys they are always braying even after I feed them. I'm always telling them they aren't going to trick me.
That's so awesome you have donkeys. How many?
Remember, this will pass... The weight will lift.
How are you doing now?
Feeling closer to a 5 or a 6 now actually, thank you
Our messages have been really helpful :)
@catattak Good! I was hoping 'talking' would help! Have you heard back from your friend yet?
@WhatATripp I have. She's sewing masks tonight but shes responding and I told her she could keep working and just check in with me on breaks. I think it's a good system :) I so appreciate your support tonight
@catattak Glad you connected!
@WhatATripp I just read your profile and so appreciate your help even more. I know you understand me. My fears are contamination and covid 19 as well.
@catattak I do understand. I was a rational adult about most germs until covid-19 happened.
@WhatATripp SAME. I've always been a germaphobe but it never stopped me from anything. Like ive always hated handshakes and was good about handwashing but it got out of control with covid 19.
@catattak I worked so hard to break the hand washing compulsion in my mid 20s. I was looking up ways to handle OCD in the time of covid-19 when I learned about NOCD. It was a relief to learn I've been battling contamination OCD off and on all these years, and get therapy.
@WhatATripp So I found this maybe a month ago and it truly helped me a lot. I share it with everyone so apologies if I've already sent this to you. It helped me get over the hump of compulsive handwashing. I still have other issues but this has been helpful. It's long but worth it! https://youtu.be/zoXXRRC3opk
@catattak Thank you!
@WhatATripp My trouble today is that I believe I inhaled covid 19 through my nose and mouth today because my garden gloves were contaminated (and I didnt know) but I was wiping my face and sweating the whole time. I definitely Italy had sweat go.in my eyes, nose and mouth multiple times but I didnt care at the time because I didnt know
@catattak I'll behave and not reassure, but I really want to... 😊 here's a totally safe cyber hug
@WhatATripp Thank you, I get it and dont fault you for it :)
Hey dear. How are you doing right now? I saw a comment here about 5 things you see. That grounding technique is really good in moments like this. I have times where I’ve felt suicidal and then it passes. Just know that you are loved and you are important and needed in this world. This pandemic is creating all kinds of stress. This will pass. These dark times will not last forever. We are here for you ❤️
Thanks so much. It's so hard. I went to garden today and my work gloves were contaminated but I didnt know at the time. I was sweating and touching my eyes nose and mouth and face. Only when I got in did the boy tell me they had touched something in the garage. I absolutely freaked out. I cried for hours and hours in the shower. Hes mad at me because it's so hard to keep up with my anxiety. I cant talk to him and I'm so afraid I will get covid-19 now. Waiting that anxiety out is really two weeks, not hours. It's so hard. I also have a biopsy for a mass growing on my thyroid september 14 and I cannot get sick and miss this biopsy. I've been waiting months for this.
❤❤❤❤💞💞💞💞💘💘💗💗💓💓
Please hang in there. It sounds like you have a lot of people in your life who care about you-not to mention your cats! I know sometimes it seems like it will never end and there’s no way it will get better but it always seems to. Hopefully it also helps to know there are so many of us out here who know how painful OCD can be.
Thank you so much for your kindness
How are you feeling today?
Still having a hard time but not as intensely as I was yesterday. Thank you so much for helping me and checking in
@catattak Of course! I’m glad to see it’s at least a little better
I'm sorry. Feel free to be open here. We will try and support you.
I had an exposure too high up my plan and I feel like suicide would spare me the suffering I am experiencing with ocd. It would spare my husband all the things i force him to do to meet my contamination ocd standards and I would just be relieved.
Is your husband around ? Can you talk to him about how your feeling? Do you have a therapist. You obviously have a lot to live for and someone who loves you.
@kls323 He is but I feel discussing suicide with him would just be too much for him. He deals with so much of my fears and I need to be aware of his mental health too. I have a therapist appointment on wednesday (not nocd I live in Canada and cant get nocd)
@catattak Does your therapist have an emergency line? Most of us have someone who has to deal with all of our stuff but I'm sure he doesn't want you to do something to yourself. He is your husband he foes not want to be without you.
@kls323 I dont think she does. I dont have that number anyway
I felt exactly the same way just a week ago with my OCD. I've also felt the guilt you're describing. I don't know your situation, but I know just how agonizing it is. Thankfully OCD can be treated and it's not worth giving up over one bad bout. Progress is not linear. It just isn't. OCD has probably spiked your anxiety and guilt before, but you survived it. You can survive it again.
@salvation This is really true. I feel like such a confusing person because somedays I post on here that I'm good and somedays I'm barely scraping by and it feels like I seem fake. But healing is nonlinear
@salvation Very well put. Agreed. You are not alone.
I know I don’t know your personal situation, but I’m willing to bet your suicide would bring your husband a greater pain than the slight inconvenience (at most) of helping you with your ocd. I do understand how it feels to feel like a burden on the ones you love. You sound like a very caring person, the way you’re making sure not to disclose any triggering details in these comments. I’m sure in this same way you’re more considerate in your real life relationships than you may think in making sure not to burden others; your husband is likely less bothered with meeting your ocd standards than you are
@catattak That said, I know how it feels and how ocd twists these truths
@Ocd=lame I got very overwhelmed with the ocd exposure today and he is upset with me. He feels stressed by trying to keep up with my anxiety and what will trigger me. Hes struggling today too. It's not something I will bring him
@Ocd=lame I do really appreciate your relating to my issue and knowing I'm not alone
@catattak That makes sense, ocd is so stressful and I’m sure it hurts him to see you hurt. The hurt he would feel if you were gone would definitely be way worse, that’s a whole different level of distress and sadness. I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with this trigger by the way. I know feeling is awful, and if it’s bad enough for you to consider suicide I can’t even imagine the stress. You’re smart to come on here and rationalize, and on the hotlines and everything. Ocd is a bitch and it doesn’t deserve to win.
@Ocd=lame Thank you. You're very right. I need to just sustain through this feeling and get through the night. I'm sure I will wake up tomorrow and this feeling will be less
@catattak I know I don’t know you, it I’m proud of you for that haha :) you should comment back tomorrow with an update, I know these types of episodes are the absolutes worst
@catattak Getting through something that high up on your heirarchy is an amazing feat by the way
@Ocd=lame Thank you very much. I will bookmark this post and set an alarm to do an update tomorrow.
Me being triggered is worth helping you
this is what we are here for to help and support
@Kc88 Thank you so much. I dont want to trigger others. Its not worth spreading the trigger but I really do appreciate your support and feel the love
TW rant: suicidal OCD So this has been my major theme for the past year since my onset started. For clarification: I just have suicidal OCD, I’m not actually suicidal Incase there’s confusion about that. Anyways, I am so SICK of hearing about the topic of suicide which seems to be everywhere. You hear a story on the news that some celebrity did it, or other stories that people they knew did it or they themselves attempted it. You hear that people with mental illnesses or those who went through trauma or just being a middle aged white man have higher risks of suicide. On my explore page on Instagram, thanks to the OCD support pages I follow, I get suggested posts about other mental health related things and there’s usually posts about “signs of suicidal people” or whatnot. I’m soooo sick of it. Having suicidal OCD has been extremely hard and scary to have. It seems like anything is a trigger and the unwanted thoughts of it keep popping up (as OCD normally does). A lot of the time it’s aimed toward myself, but a big chunk of it is aimed toward my loved ones, like what if they decided to commit suicide? If I haven’t seen a family member in a little while (they’re chilling in their room or whatever) I get scared they might have killed themselves so I feel the compulsion to check on them, ask if they’re okay and happy etc. But it’s mostly at myself and I hate it so much. I think overall, whether this attack is aimed toward myself or others, it just absolutely terrifies me that anyone could just decided to do it and then just do it? It’s not like fearing a murderer coming to your house or an outside threat, but you’re the threat! And you can’t seem to protect your loved ones from it! I get these fears that I’ll become depressed (I’m not depressed) and eventually desire it or that I’ll spiral from fear and pain and eventually desire it, or that it’ll be like the movie Bird Box where the people in it (after seeing the monster) seemed to go on autopilot and killed themselves. I can’t even see words like “committed” or “attempted” without having my stomach jump. I struggle to get things out of my closet since having an open closet is even a trigger for fear. I just wish suicide never existed, I wish it wasn’t a thing, I wish I’d never think about it, I wish i could move on from this intense fear. (Disclaimer: I’m doing ERP for this and compared to before have been progress, but on my spike days it’s just so frustrating) Thanks for listening 😩
My Harm OCD is out of control. I’m trying so hard to keep living my life, but it’s scaring me even more. It’s starting to feel more real. It’s feeling like I’m right on the edge of acting on my thoughts and that I actually want to do it. It feels like this is never going to go away and I’m now this person who is going to harm someone. I’m at work because I’m supposed to keep living my life and not do compulsions. But not doing them is terrifying me. I feel like a complete monster and I don’t know what to do.
I honestly don’t know what I should do. I mean I’ve never had any proper treatment ever, but I know I have ocd because of the pain it’s causing. My current obsession right now is a bit dangerous because I feel like I have to hurt myself to prove I have it worse because if I don’t, how would anyone care at all? Ew, this is is scary I feel like I’m on the ends of my rope, if I don’t follow any compulsions I feel like I’m actually losing it. I’m shaking right now, I do want to live I do want live Please give me a solution I feel genuinely insane I don’t like this And when I do get help I feel like I don’t deserve it and it should be me that has to take it all in I don’t want to be like this anymore I’m tired of following my awful intrusive thoughts I can’t even live life with struggling at all
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