Tw: suicide but please help if you can . . . . . . Today I was accidentally exposed to something waaaaay too high up my hierarchy and I cant handle it. I'm at the point of planning suicide. I've come up with a new plan and I really feel like it would spare me the pain of ocd and my fear playing out. I was already on a crisis line today but cant share the urge to hurt myself. The crisis worker tried to help me but I honestly felt like I was just wasting their time and they could have been helping someone else so I said I was fine and got off the line. I'm not, I cant stop this overwhelming urge. I know we are supposed to sit with discomfort but this one is a lot. I keep imagining different ways to hurt myself and I'm itching to do them.

That’s great you’re feeling some calmer today. ❤️

I just got the sense he dodnt really know what to tell me or how to make a safety plan with me. Maybe I should try again and see if I get a different person that is more helpful

@catattak I strongly suggest you try ☺.

(Also, if you’re not up to that kind of research, I’m sure there are people in your life and on here who’d be happy to see if they can come up with peer support ideas.)

@Alyosha Thank you so much. I'm in Canada and not very religious ut I really appreciate the offer of details. I agree with you about creating a lost for myself of people I could reach out to

Thank you so much. I'm feeling crushed under the weight of it today but I'm trying

I'm so sorry you go through this daily. For me its every few weeks but it hadn't been this strong I think ever. I'm doing better than earlier with support from people here and suggesting places to reach out

@catattak I’m so glad to hear it’s getting a little better from earlier :)

@catattak I’m so glad you talked to people and you’re safe 😊 and yeah it’s daily but thankfully it hasn’t been as bad as before where I would ruminate on the suicidal thoughts now it’s more fleeting.

@gaby. I was definitely ruminating today. Could not stop thinking and planning and planning my steps and what would need to be done to get it done smoothly and what I could accomplish to set it up

That's a good point. If I cant tell my husband, I will try to have someone keep in touch with me by text. My anxiety is an 8or 9. 10 is an anxiety attack for me

My television. My phone.my feet. My cats toys. A chair

@catattak What's your cat's favorite toy?

@WhatATripp They have a red tunnel they like to play and sleep in. It's very adorable

Thank you. I really appreciate your suggestion to have someone text me periodically tonight. I think that's what I need. Doing this alone felt too hard. But if I can have someone check in on me, that will help

@catattak Keeping in touch with someone is important. You are important. Perhaps you could find your therapist's number online and call it. Many will leave an emergency contact number that can be called.

@WhatATripp That's a good idea

Thank you so much. I'm still waiting for a friend to respond to me so I can ask her to text me periodically

@catattak While you're waiting, what kind of cats do you have?

@WhatATripp They are just domestic short hairs. I rescued them, actually nearly 5 years ago. They just turned 5. We had a mini birthday celebration for them. Lots of cat nip and cat treats

@catattak That's cool! We rescued a tabby just over 14 years ago and two other cats made themselves at home 10 years ago.

@WhatATripp That sounds really nice! Older cats are so sweet. Low energy and just looking for love.

@catattak And always hungry...she forgets she's been fed :)

@WhatATripp Hahaha I think they all do. Or hope we'll forget

That's so awesome you have donkeys. How many?

Feeling closer to a 5 or a 6 now actually, thank you

Our messages have been really helpful :)

@catattak Good! I was hoping 'talking' would help! Have you heard back from your friend yet?

@WhatATripp I have. She's sewing masks tonight but shes responding and I told her she could keep working and just check in with me on breaks. I think it's a good system :) I so appreciate your support tonight

@catattak Glad you connected!

@WhatATripp I just read your profile and so appreciate your help even more. I know you understand me. My fears are contamination and covid 19 as well.

@catattak I do understand. I was a rational adult about most germs until covid-19 happened.

@WhatATripp SAME. I've always been a germaphobe but it never stopped me from anything. Like ive always hated handshakes and was good about handwashing but it got out of control with covid 19.

@catattak I worked so hard to break the hand washing compulsion in my mid 20s. I was looking up ways to handle OCD in the time of covid-19 when I learned about NOCD. It was a relief to learn I've been battling contamination OCD off and on all these years, and get therapy.

@WhatATripp So I found this maybe a month ago and it truly helped me a lot. I share it with everyone so apologies if I've already sent this to you. It helped me get over the hump of compulsive handwashing. I still have other issues but this has been helpful. It's long but worth it! https://youtu.be/zoXXRRC3opk

@catattak Thank you!

@WhatATripp My trouble today is that I believe I inhaled covid 19 through my nose and mouth today because my garden gloves were contaminated (and I didnt know) but I was wiping my face and sweating the whole time. I definitely Italy had sweat go.in my eyes, nose and mouth multiple times but I didnt care at the time because I didnt know

@catattak I'll behave and not reassure, but I really want to... 😊 here's a totally safe cyber hug

@WhatATripp Thank you, I get it and dont fault you for it :)

Thanks so much. It's so hard. I went to garden today and my work gloves were contaminated but I didnt know at the time. I was sweating and touching my eyes nose and mouth and face. Only when I got in did the boy tell me they had touched something in the garage. I absolutely freaked out. I cried for hours and hours in the shower. Hes mad at me because it's so hard to keep up with my anxiety. I cant talk to him and I'm so afraid I will get covid-19 now. Waiting that anxiety out is really two weeks, not hours. It's so hard. I also have a biopsy for a mass growing on my thyroid september 14 and I cannot get sick and miss this biopsy. I've been waiting months for this.

Thank you so much for your kindness

Still having a hard time but not as intensely as I was yesterday. Thank you so much for helping me and checking in

@catattak Of course! I’m glad to see it’s at least a little better

Is your husband around ? Can you talk to him about how your feeling? Do you have a therapist. You obviously have a lot to live for and someone who loves you.

@kls323 He is but I feel discussing suicide with him would just be too much for him. He deals with so much of my fears and I need to be aware of his mental health too. I have a therapist appointment on wednesday (not nocd I live in Canada and cant get nocd)

@catattak Does your therapist have an emergency line? Most of us have someone who has to deal with all of our stuff but I'm sure he doesn't want you to do something to yourself. He is your husband he foes not want to be without you.

@kls323 I dont think she does. I dont have that number anyway

I felt exactly the same way just a week ago with my OCD. I've also felt the guilt you're describing. I don't know your situation, but I know just how agonizing it is. Thankfully OCD can be treated and it's not worth giving up over one bad bout. Progress is not linear. It just isn't. OCD has probably spiked your anxiety and guilt before, but you survived it. You can survive it again.

@salvation This is really true. I feel like such a confusing person because somedays I post on here that I'm good and somedays I'm barely scraping by and it feels like I seem fake. But healing is nonlinear

@salvation Very well put. Agreed. You are not alone.

I know I don’t know your personal situation, but I’m willing to bet your suicide would bring your husband a greater pain than the slight inconvenience (at most) of helping you with your ocd. I do understand how it feels to feel like a burden on the ones you love. You sound like a very caring person, the way you’re making sure not to disclose any triggering details in these comments. I’m sure in this same way you’re more considerate in your real life relationships than you may think in making sure not to burden others; your husband is likely less bothered with meeting your ocd standards than you are

@catattak That said, I know how it feels and how ocd twists these truths

@Ocd=lame I got very overwhelmed with the ocd exposure today and he is upset with me. He feels stressed by trying to keep up with my anxiety and what will trigger me. Hes struggling today too. It's not something I will bring him

@Ocd=lame I do really appreciate your relating to my issue and knowing I'm not alone

@catattak That makes sense, ocd is so stressful and I’m sure it hurts him to see you hurt. The hurt he would feel if you were gone would definitely be way worse, that’s a whole different level of distress and sadness. I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with this trigger by the way. I know feeling is awful, and if it’s bad enough for you to consider suicide I can’t even imagine the stress. You’re smart to come on here and rationalize, and on the hotlines and everything. Ocd is a bitch and it doesn’t deserve to win.

@Ocd=lame Thank you. You're very right. I need to just sustain through this feeling and get through the night. I'm sure I will wake up tomorrow and this feeling will be less

@catattak I know I don’t know you, it I’m proud of you for that haha :) you should comment back tomorrow with an update, I know these types of episodes are the absolutes worst

@catattak Getting through something that high up on your heirarchy is an amazing feat by the way

@Ocd=lame Thank you very much. I will bookmark this post and set an alarm to do an update tomorrow.

this is what we are here for to help and support

@Kc88 Thank you so much. I dont want to trigger others. Its not worth spreading the trigger but I really do appreciate your support and feel the love