I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and insomnia since I was a young teen and am currently struggling with what seems like scrupulosity (for the past few months I've been fighting with thoughts and feelings that I'm not saved or not good enough to be a Christian and it keeps me up all night half the time). I desperately want help but I'm afraid that I'm just seeking a diagnosis to blame my shortcomings on something other than myself or that going to a therapist would prove that I can't trust in God and go to him first. And the truth is I truly haven't been a good christian and there are many sins I still haven't totally faced and overcome yet and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to. I just don't know how I KNOW if I'm really the problem or if it is OCD. And I'm not looking for reassurance but maybe I am? I just don't know... if it is OCD it also feels like my "obsessions" are constantly morphing and changing and I can't keep up with them. Like I'll go from having existential thoughts to questioning my belief in God to feeling like I'm gonna turn into a creep or lose my mind or turn evil in some way. I'm just so exhausted and need help. I want to be able to turn to Jesus for help but I don't always know how to... I have faith that things will eventually turn out OK but then as soon as a feel secure in that the anxiety and doubt comes back. And even as I'm typing this I'm having thoughts like "its not that bad you just need to toughen up and be patient" and I know that's true but I just feel so alone and like I can't talk to anyone about this and if I do it'll all prove to be true. And as I write this I wonder if I made up all of these thoughts and feelings because I read online and on here about OCD and I'm trying to fit myself into it as an excuse to avoid my real problems... which might just be perfectly true but even if it is I don't know how to fix those problems??? I just want to get out of this loop and be a better person. I don't know if posting this will help. Maybe its even a compulsion in itself. I just want to understand... how do I know if its OCD or if I'm being convicted? Or both?

Please help anyone else here with Religious ocd and is a Christian? My brain is going hay-wire and want to know I'm not alone... what do your thoughts say and how do you overcome compulsions? Im going through a rough moment and feel sick with anxiety and stiff. I want to obey God but my thoughts won't stop. I surrender to the Lord and then I have peace with the compulsions and they go away but the thoughts are the scary part please - is this spiritual or is it mental? Or is it both? Would love to hear a Christians opinion on this... because my thoughts latch on and won't dissappear but I know that the Bible commands us to take control of our thoughts and to renew our minds...yet God has grace for this and mercy for our every need... I know God is in control (completely) and my mind creates a lot of the issues for me without any spiritual stuff (it's a very powerful thing) but it's still scary. Lord help me, I surrender myself to you Jesus, counsel my soul and help me.

So about 2 years ago I gave my life to Jesus. I've always been a "Christian" but never truly lived liked one. Honestly never truly felt love for them until 2 years ago. It was the best couple months of my life!!! I felt so happy and loved and unstoppable! I thought this fire for God & Jesus will never burn out. One day I had a thought about is God real? It bothered me so bad and I went into a massive spiral. Doubting everything. My faith. if I was good enough. Am I really saved? Do I have enough faith? Is my doubt real? Is it too much? Have these blasphemous made God not want me anymore? Or Jesus? :( But I knew I was and that they were real! I know I've heard them. Then I started having horrible blasphemous thoughts but then it would go back to doubting thoughts then back to the blasphemous ones. I hated the thoughts and doubts. The thoughts are so mean towards God, Jesus & HS. It’s anywhere from evil thoughts to cussing thoughts to rejection thoughts/denying. Demonic thoughts. Literally anything bad you could think of! Even thoughts of if I really love them or wanna follow them. I learned about OCD from what I've looked up but I've been dealing with this for about 2 years now. It's hard. I doubt if it’s OCD. Definitely feel like I'm trapped or my faith isn't the same. Which makes me sad because I want my faith! I feel like I've gotten lazy and honestly that I don't deserve them or am "too far gone" from them. I feel like idk how to be a Christian or how to have faith or just exist tbh. I wanna love God & Jesus! I want faith! I just feel kinda stuck. Has anyone gone through this or has advice or tips?

I really struggle with trusting myself. I never really believe anything I say and the second I say or think anything i doubt if I actually feel that or mean it, and worry that I am lying to others/and or myself. I doubt that I experienced anything bad, I doubt my emotions and worry that I am just dramatic or seeking attention, I worry about my intentions and if they are bad or impure I worry that the thought I had must mean I am bad and then I obsess on how to be better and then I obsess over learning how to be the “best” friend, sister, person, Christian, etc. I obsess over how to be a Christian in the best way that considers all possible facts and opinions and finds the best ones that are perfectly true and that interpret God in the best/most correct way possible. I am either in full on obsession and mental compulsion/checking/research mode, or in avoidance mode trying to avoid being triggered. I notice that I obsess over how to know for sure if I have OCD, and how to know the best possible way to heal and no solution satisfies my mind because I doubt it and think there must be a better solution and maybe I didn’t consider one small detail that could change the way I should approach my brain. I worry that no matter how hard I try to do things right and be kind and good- that I will just disappoint others and myself no matter how hard I try. And when I try to accept that I am imperfect it only helps for a second because then I worry that if I stop trying to be the “best version of myself/best person I can” then that will mean I just don’t care and I will accidentally hurt people in the way my parents accidentally hurt me because they never tried to heal. I feel exhausted. I compulsively tell everyone everything I am thinking all the time. I overshare with my mom, my friends, and even my therapists and clearly on this app because I worry if I don’t it maybe means I’m lying but also sometimes even when I don’t want to overshare it feels like I can’t help it and do it against my own will. I feel like no matter how hard I try to make things better for myself and others I just end up making things worse. Then I end up feeling very numb and indifferent to the idea of life- which is so counter to my usual desire to live life to the fullest. My biggest trigger words are “lukewarm Christian”, “hypocrite”, “fake” etc because then I immediately worry those words must describe me and maybe I just don’t realize it. I spend hours going over my thoughts, feelings, experiences and researching endlessly to feel less anxious or give me the feeling that I can find a solution that will fix it- when deep down I know there is no perfect solution probably. Basically I say all this just to feel heard and so someone else maybe feels understood or seen. But I don’t want reassurance or anyone to engage with my actual fears. I’m open to any advice on how to approach this from an ERP standpoint though.