Is this reassurance or research? So as a Christian I try to do what pleases God but I have OCD and it gots my vision so sometimes I want to look up stuff like for instance as a Christian should I make art or spend my time on something else like ministering to the homeless. If I looked up peoples opinions would that be seeking reassurance?

I've struggled with anxiety, depression, and insomnia since I was a young teen and am currently struggling with what seems like scrupulosity (for the past few months I've been fighting with thoughts and feelings that I'm not saved or not good enough to be a Christian and it keeps me up all night half the time). I desperately want help but I'm afraid that I'm just seeking a diagnosis to blame my shortcomings on something other than myself or that going to a therapist would prove that I can't trust in God and go to him first. And the truth is I truly haven't been a good christian and there are many sins I still haven't totally faced and overcome yet and I'm not sure if I ever will be able to. I just don't know how I KNOW if I'm really the problem or if it is OCD. And I'm not looking for reassurance but maybe I am? I just don't know... if it is OCD it also feels like my "obsessions" are constantly morphing and changing and I can't keep up with them. Like I'll go from having existential thoughts to questioning my belief in God to feeling like I'm gonna turn into a creep or lose my mind or turn evil in some way. I'm just so exhausted and need help. I want to be able to turn to Jesus for help but I don't always know how to... I have faith that things will eventually turn out OK but then as soon as a feel secure in that the anxiety and doubt comes back. And even as I'm typing this I'm having thoughts like "its not that bad you just need to toughen up and be patient" and I know that's true but I just feel so alone and like I can't talk to anyone about this and if I do it'll all prove to be true. And as I write this I wonder if I made up all of these thoughts and feelings because I read online and on here about OCD and I'm trying to fit myself into it as an excuse to avoid my real problems... which might just be perfectly true but even if it is I don't know how to fix those problems??? I just want to get out of this loop and be a better person. I don't know if posting this will help. Maybe its even a compulsion in itself. I just want to understand... how do I know if its OCD or if I'm being convicted? Or both?

I watch a TV series called Orphan Black. I have been worrying that this is not a good show to watch due to being a Christian. But I am unsure if its OCD or its the truth! I have Prayed, I've asked reassurance from my husband.. I want to keep watching it but I'm worried that the only reason I want to is because it is the world darkness in it that is looming me in. I know this will soundly like nonsense to anyone who is not a Christian. But those who are, we are to honour God with our lifestyle. Ughhh idk what to do. And yes I know this is a reassurance method by asking you guys on nocd. Lol... 🙄🤔

Christians and ERP question: My OCD revolves around religion (Christian) and harm, often tying them together with arbitrary scriptures from the Old Testament. My compulsions are usually answering the questionable passages with things that help me resolve the uncertainty of the passage and how it relates to me. My therapist wants me to do exposures of reading these scriptures without finding the answers through research or even my own logic. Just let the question be there. This is so very hard because it threatens to pull my faith out from underneath me if I don’t answer it. Some of the questions are so anxiety-provoking because they are Old Testament laws of wrath and punishment. I know all the Christian answers to these, and I could easily answer it. Sometimes this will bring relief, other times it won’t. So, my challenge is simply not answering it, which then leaves me in a state of deep confusion. Anyways, since these are questions many people have and struggle with that don’t have OCD, I wonder how this can be OCD?? I’ve had OCD in other themes (HoCD, harm ocd), but this just seems so different because they are valid and legit questions and I just want to resolve them! Anybody have any insight into this?