Question, Does anyone ever get scared that they really will end their life if it doesn’t get better even though they don’t want too? I have suicide ocd

With you both on this. I love life but man suicide OCD sucks. Suicide OCD is by far the worst theme I have dealt with. I have been doing very focused ERP on it for days and today the anxiety finally went away. Only for the sly dog to tell me the anxiety went away because I am really suicidal. Just keep pushing forward and enjoy life.

YES YES YES. This is super common with suicide ocd! I have it too it’s more terrible than any other ocd I have had....I don’t want to die ??

Oh my gosh this helps so much. I feel like suicidal ocd is really tricky bc people think that we want to kill ourselves based on what our theme is but we don’t!! I don’t want to but my brain is telling me I do

Do you all ever get to where the suicidal ocd is so high that you “feel” like you want to? Even though I don’t! I want to live! But my intrusive thoughts have this anxiety around them that makes me feel like maybe I want to? Even though I don’t

Does anyone ever feel like they’re doing better and then their ocd is like wait no you have negative thoughts you’re depressed and are getting worse. That’s gonna lead to suicide. It’s so scary and frustrating!

Mate, I’m the same. The tears of joy are so nice when they come because it all breaks away and you realise of course I don’t want to do that and you thank god for life. I feel like my suicidal thoughts are definitely real and I definitely want to do it. That’s the worst part of this theme, it doesn’t feel like anything other than the real deal. Every day feels like you’re hanging by a thread which is terrifying, but OCD is generally that way for most people regardless of theme.

Absolutely. It seems like some of us with Suicide OCD have congregated here so it should be a good place for us to speak. OCD is OCD, but I do think it is helpful to know you’re not alone in regards to this theme. This theme being particularly disturbing in the way that it interacts with genuine feelings of despair and depression associated with OCD.

Mine is constant. Nearly all day haha... My car veers into another lane slightly “maybe I was trying to kill myself” I get upset with something “maybe I want to kill myself” argue with someone “maybe I should kill myself” except I don’t bloody want to. But it doesn’t stop the hamster wheel narrative...

Pretty tough but not losing my mind currently just got the dull background noise of OCD. Yes, when I look for suicidal OCD it’s nowhere to be seen like it just evaporates haha. It’s a war

Same here exact same thoughts ?

I’m the same! I feel like if the anxiety abt suicide goes away then I actually will do it. I don’t want to but sometimes my ocd tells me I want to....it’s hell??

I kinda get mad sometimes about the trivial themes sometimes that people have here. I know you shouldn’t compare themes but ive had a few this one is by far the worst and my only now.

I don’t actually want to I just feel like I want to, wondering if you call could relate? Didn’t mean to scare anyone ?

@Dianaaa completely relate. It’s agonising. What has everyone here done for ERP?

So thankful for everyone’s comments! I can relate with all of you. My suicide ocd went away for a little while but now it’s coming back up since I’m about to go on a trip in a few days and will be alone a lot. It just sucks because it does feel real and like you don’t know whether or not you’ll actually do something ?

That’s the hardest part of it. That being a possibility is terrifying. But something we’ve gotta accept

By the way Fellow suicidal ocd sufferers you should all look at this: https://youtu.be/Nu5zJLEhIKk

I know me too!!!! It’s like oh my god I have ocd so that means I will end up doing it!! Literally had a panic attack for 3 hours after that...but!! If one has suicidal ocd? It means that we never will do it...just like pedophelia ocd people never end up touching kids, sexual orientation ocd never end up switching from their original attracted sex...we fear what we aren’t. So that helps. Some people with ocd May do it bc they do not have suicidal ocd, bc they do not care about killing themselves. But we do. It’s in our person that does not and will not do that, no matter how the brain tricks us. OCD does NOT change morals

Yes! The narrative is “yep I definitely want to kill myself” or “I’m definitely going to do that” So fucking annoying

Yeah it’s a bit careless but a free exposure. I feel like I don’t care anymore whether I am or not because I’ve been so exhausted by this theme but then the thought of not caring triggers me and it’s like “CARE!!! You need to CARE!!!”

CMG haha yes when i do erp and dont feel anxeity thats what my brain tells me aswell

I know its horrible when it feels real. Awful theme indeed. ?

Jackieboy you literally just made me cry tears of joy. I’m so glad someone can relate and you all don’t just think I’m denying my suicidal thoughts! ?

Same!!!! I feel like they are so real! But i also felt like it was real with my other obsessions, this one just scares the crap out of me because it’s actual DEATH I am afraid of, not judgment or rejection...terrifying! I feel like I want to kill myself like all the time but I dont! OCD is literally insane, but apparently 100% ego dystonic, meaning what one obsesses about with ocd is never true about ones self. Also, it helps knowing for me that no one has ever done what their obsession is telling them they want to do in ocd...which is just wow

I was afraid and fixating on the death part of it but now I think about how it would ruin the lives of my loved ones which makes me think that I actually want to because I’m not obsessing about dying. The cycle continues haha...

And this app is so triggering bc other people talk about actually wanting suicide bc of their ocd and the emails this app sends tells you to not kill yourself and both those things trigger me EVERY TIME! I wish there was a separate app for each specific ocd type

Hahaha yep! It’s really tough but we gotta keep up the fight. And when we can, recognise the absurdity of it

Totally agree with you.

Same here when i read about suicide related to OCD i get panic attacks. We should all try to accept that we MIGHT be suicidal even though its horrible. ?

I watched this videos as soon as I developed the new theme and I PANICKED bc he said that people who suffer from suicidal ocd are a little more likely to commit suicide then a regular person!!!! Which isn’t true at all!!! People with ocd never do what their obsessing over ever, BUT I think it is his way of triggering us so we deal with the possibility of it....

Also, my mom is a licensed clinical social worker and my therapist and they both said that the stigma of being depressed is falsely related to suicide. Apparently people who are depressed rarely commit suicide. Which was good bc I was scared of being depressed, checking my feelings, etc. so now it has just moved back to just plain suicide ocd and I’m no longer afraid of depression...but I should deal with the possibility of both those things being true!??

Yep. Completely up and down. I generally feel way better at the end of the day, and I’ll think “ahh of course I don’t want to do that” and then worry and stress about whether I have wanted to do it at the peak of my anxiety and despair. As I’m typing this I’m worried about it haha...

I just hate how it momentarily makes me feel like I want to...like?!?! I have NEVER WANTED TO EVER? It’s a nightmare when I get those urges to do it or convince myself I want to, ya know? ??

Do you also experience a hard time triggering yourself for ERP? Like I am triggered 24/7 but when I try to do the excercises, my suicide ocd is so elusive it’s almost like I don’t even have it during ERP, and then I wonder if I even have ocd or am just suicidal?!?

Diana and jackieboy same for me i get calmer during erp.. i try to find harder exercices right now.

I’m working my way up to doing ERP for suicidal OCD, working on POCD and ROCD first. Wanna do Suicidal ERP quick and get it away from me but probably good to have it be weeks away. My therapist knows it’s not urgent and I’m not gonna do it haha.

How are you guys dealing with this theme? I don’t mean to degrade the suffering of others but this theme feels so intense and dangerous because I could literally kill myself 50 different ways with things in my house. Feels like I’m always hanging by a thread. Whereas other themes have been isolated like POCD would flare up around kids or ROCD around a partner but this is everywhere

YES!!!! That is so true!!!! Life is a trigger, all of it, for suicide ocd. I would be able to avoid my trigger for for my sexual orientation ocd, but literally everything ties into this them. You aren’t alone! Remember, it always feels like you will but you won’t. Expect you won’t feel safe but people never do what they always feel they will. No one with ocd has ever done what they are afraid they will do. It is a worried disease. Just keep exposing yourself and just say hmmm, maybe I am, etc. does this help??

Yep hahaha, it’s been 5 months and I genuinely cannot tell whether I’ve gotten better or worse.

Sure why not!

Yes all the time. OCD. Remember it will try ANY thought or feeling to convince you. But you won’t.

I think I’m just gonna stick with this app @Dianaaa but am happy to speak on here

Jackieboy this helps so much. Could I ask you t keep responding if I post on this thread about my suicide ocd? Sometimes I just need someone who can relate! ?

Yeah of course!!!

I was also afraid of depression and becoming depressed. My therapist also said i didn’t have any clinical symptoms of depression. Suicide ocd makes you believe that you must be depressed if you feel that way. I also got really scared when he said people with ocd commit suicide only a bit more which threw my ocd out the roof

YES!!! It reoccurs getting better and worse and better in worse!! Then it’s like omg do I actually want to? But apparently it gets better or worse because anxiety comes in waves and is not constant, and ocd is an anxiety disorder so...with suicidal people I don’t think that want of dying fluctuates...but enough of reassurance! Maybe we do

Does anyone get it to where literally any random thing you can tie back into proof you want to kill yourself? Also since suicide is higher in those with autism, ADHD, bipolar and schizophrenia, do you all over-analyze your thoughts and they are so random and scattered that you convince yourself you have a different mental disorder?? I do this ALL the time ?

Thank you for making me feel uncrazy jackieboy! How are you doing tonight?

Yes! The erp does help me a lot. Does you guys ever deal with feeling like you’re getting better, then having a thought like omg am I really better? Then worrying so much and getting really sad and discouraged? I feel like the mind is so powerful in that way, then it worries me even more with my suicide ocd

YES! I replied to your other post on this as well...oh my gosh guys!!!! When people on here post about actually being suicidal.....I GET SO SCARED!!! I have ocd and what if that means I will? I don’t want to it just flares my ocd up so much!! I hate how people write about this when we are so triggered by it........

YES ME TOO! I had that last night actually ? I was like OH CRAP IM GOING TO DO IT....terrible!

Hey, llovestars, jackieboy, and swipx...would you all want to start like a GroupMe or a group text apart from this app? I feel it would be a bit easier and I know you are each good people bc everyone with ocd is super caring abt stuff ? would that be something that you would all want to to?

Sure!

Read trough all your comments now and laughed a bit. I feel exacly the same as you describe! How it all feels real and how awful it feels when anxeity goes away right now for example i look for anxeity to ”confrim” its not real but it wont show when i do that.

Does anyone ever get stressed out that you want to commit suicide? Like not just the normal fear, a feeling like “I could just do it and slip away from all this” which makes me extremely sad and nervous and makes me wanna ask someone for help but I don’t want to feed the OCD but I also want to be sure I’m not a danger to myself??? Fuck this theme

Remember, ocd is a worriers disease. It causes you to think and feel anything to convince you. But people with ocd NEVER do what they are afraid they will do. Never. It’s not part of ocd. If your theme is suicide, you never will. If it’s pedophelia, you never will. If it’s homosexuality, you never are. But it just feels terrible, but it doesn’t make you DO what you feel like you want to do and are afraid of doing.

It makes me feel as if I do want to do it and I wouldn’t care if I did, but then the rational me that’s typing this obviously knows I don’t want that. It’s so scary, always feels like I’m at breaking point.

It takes every experience I have and uses it as evidence for me going to commit suicide. So intense and unending...

my email is ilovestars7575@gmail.com are you chatting through google chat?

I write down feared sentences and then ruminate on them willingly. And only move on when the anxiety has diminished.

Love stars I posted under harm ocd inviting anyone who has suicide ocd to email me your phone number at my spam email barbarapazzy@gmail.com (don’t judge me i was trying to come up with a weird name ?) so I can make the group chat! I think like 5 others are joining :)

I’m from Australia so my phone number probably won’t work

Maybe we could all use our emails instead?

Me too! Always feel new and worse than the one before. Never familiar. Always feels like you will kill yourself. I totally had the same experience. It feels like I want to and would enjoy doing it. Like? So terrible

Can you give me your email? Join our group email for suicide OCD! We are chatting now

Diaana didnt groupchat work? Emails go straight to all my devices and i dont want others to read.

Try creating a spam one, just one with a weird name that isn’t on your devices. I will use your spam one once you email it to me. And no the group chat does not allow for group messages internationally with out a few :(

*fee

Ilovestars hey I will add you to the email once I get home!

Jackieboy would you like to join our group email? We have I think 7 people so far :) just email Barbarapazzy@gmail.com if you would like to :) it’s specifically suicide ocd

I need some tips on good ERP exercies. I tried to write down the worst thoughts possible but it doesnt create enough distress. How do you do your ERP?

How have you guys been with this theme of late? I’ve had it for about 4 months now and everything you’ve described I’m in the SAME boat. Silliness with how similar it is

How is everyone

Are any of you doing the exposure therapy?