hi everyone, i’ve been using this app for about 2 weeks now, maybe a little more or less than that, i can’t remember exactly when i downloaded it because these past 3 weeks have all been a blur. ive mostly just been lurking and observing other people’s posts and conversations. i’m currently suffering from some bad existential ocd. i haven’t been getting a lot of sleep since lockdown started. i’ve known i’ve had ocd for awhile now but i’ve never gotten any kind of help for it. i don’t talk about my problems to anyone and keep all my thoughts bottled up until i get over things on my own. but every time i go through a phase like this it gets worse each time it comes back. i haven’t felt like this in over 3 years and i thought i was done a finally free but now it feels like my life is over. i had a doctor’s appointment this past Tuesday and i’m going to be getting counseling (i’m not sure if there’s a difference between counseling and therapy, the word my doctor used specifically was counseling. she might have just said that but meant therapy or maybe there is a difference im not sure) but i don’t see the point. everyone tells me to ‘embrace the uncertainty’ but i don’t know how i can go on living happily with the possibility of my worst fears being true. i won’t say what they are in this post but if you’re curious I’ll tell you. i put a trigger warning just in case i get into the conversation of what exactly my worst fears are with anyone and i don’t want to trigger anyone who’s also dealing with the same problems as me. i just thought, in case im wrong-which i hope i am-that it wouldn’t hurt to talk it out right now. my mom and dad don’t fully understand and i don’t want to scare them and it might be a few more weeks before i start counseling.

I’ve convinced myself that I’m a brain in a vat and that everyone else in this ‘world’ is just AI while I’m the only one with true consciousness. People tell me to embrace the uncertainty and that it could be possible but how could I ever be happy again knowing that? I look up things like dpdr and existential ocd and people say ‘you’re not alone because other people have these experiences’ but I feel like it’s just something out here by my ‘overlords’ to convince me that I’m wrong when I know the truth and to get me to go back to ‘living’ in blissful ignorance.

Also yeah, mine was triggered by overthinking on lack of sleep and then having an anxiety attack and then trying to find answers and going down a philosophical rabbit hole.

@Jay you definitely aren’t alone. i experience dp/dr and it’s really unsettling, i know how it feels.

@anika2000 Talking to people helps. I don’t have friends and I think not having a social life makes it even worse. I hardly even talk to my family and I live with them. I love them but its hard for me. I’m an introvert. I’ve been spending more time with them now but it might be too late. My doctor told me to try and join a youth group at school but I don’t know. I’m scared.

NOCD Therapy really helped me.. r focus on the response prevention element of treatment and make sure your therapist focuses on how to help you resist compulsions

@smsmith_14 I’m not sure when exactly I’m starting therapy, hopefully as soon as possible, but I’ll make sure of that. Thank you.

I’ve heard that a lot but that’s the problem. My worst fear is that I’m the only person with consciousness and my entire life as all been a simulation and everyone else is just AI or something. I don’t know how I can be ok with that.

@Jay That does sound scary. Have you felt like this before?

@Jay I don’t really have an easy answer to that honestly I’ll try to get back to you

@anika2000 A little bit. Late 2016 I was going through a hard time but that slump that I was in was related more to death anxiety. Well, it started in late October 2016 and ended in January 2017. It had gone on for so long that my death anxiety had morphed into derealization at the start of the new year. I was so scared and thinking a lot of existential thoughts that it just became that eventually. It didn’t get so bad though because I was still in school at the time and had more engagement in life and things to keep me busy and was a bit healthier and getting more sleep so I eventually just snapped out of it. It started up again early this year in January as well because I accidentally listened to a podcast where the hosts got into the topic of simulation theory but I got over it pretty quickly for the same reasons I did last time. But then Covid happened. This time my feelings were triggered by an anxiety attack when I wasn’t getting any sleep and I immediately went looking for answers instead of shaking it off and going to sleep. Then I saw things like solipsism, brain in a vat theory, etc...someone brought up extisential ocd and i was like ‘oh, I have ocd, that explains everything’ but then everyone just kept saying ‘it could be true just embrace the uncertainty’ and that doesn’t help at all considering what my fear is.

@Norf I know. I don’t know what to do with myself now. I think about suicide lately but I’m afraid of not existing. Also for some reason, even though I’m convinced that my family isn’t real, I think about the heartache it would cause them. They’re not real so it wouldn’t cause them genuine heartbreak plus I wouldn’t be around to experience their reaction anyway but I still find myself not wanting to do that to them. I’m probably just too conditioned to think that they’re real. Maybe I need to become more desensitized to the truth and just set myself free.

@Jay I definitely think that quarantine and not being busy is playing a part. your brain is stuck in this loop and ive been there- still there. i always am looking up answers online and it gives me temporary relief but it actually seems to give me more anxiety later on. Try exercising and don’t search up your questions, try as hard as you can. you know you have OCD or you wouldn’t be on this forum! i’m here to talk if you need it. we’re in this together!

@Jay Your life is precious. The life you live is precious! you can get through this, you have before!

@anika2000 After it happened this last time I spent the whole week after my initial panic attack looking things up but I’ve learned my lesson and don’t look stuff up anymore. I just wish I already had that sense when it did happen first. Thank you. I appreciate you taking your time to help me. I really hope I’m wrong.

The thought of ERP really scares me but if I’ll take your word for it. My doctor said that she wanted me to get CBT.

I had been going to bed at around 5 am pretty much every night since late April and had only been getting around 3-5 hours of sleep. I probably wouldn’t even be in this predicament if not for that.

@Jay sleep is definitely an important factor when it comes to anxiety. i was prescribed larazaprem for 5 days to regulate my sleeping. i’ve been putting myself on a routine of going to bed around the same time and waking up early-ish. (i used to go to bed around midnight and would wake up around 11) have you expressed your concern about your sleep to your parents?

@anika2000 I have. They know I’m one to stay up late and obviously they’re not very happy about it (even prior to all of this) but never did much to stop me or force me to go to bed at reasonable times, just scold me. I should have listened to them. It’s hard to transition from going to bed at around 5am to 10 or 11pm. I’ve been going to bed at around 11pm to 2am since this started, which is a start. My body is so used to getting little sleep though so I usually wake up for a minute at around 3 or 4 am but fall right back asleep. I just have a hard time falling asleep in general. Always have. I’m not on medication but I take a melatonin to help me out.

@lypc Thank you. I promise I’ll try.

@lypc Sorry for the late reply but yeah, this app has helped me out quite a bit. I’ve repressed my ocd for so long. I’ve been having intrusive thoughts since first grade, and didn’t even know that they were a symptom of ocd till 2016. I just thought I was messed up in the head. I’m not alone, and I need to keep reminding myself that. Thank you.

Yeah, ive been trying to remember how I felt before this. I haven’t completely given up and I’m still doing the things that I used to, or maybe even more than I used to because I’ve been taking walks and going out more often, and helping my parents out more often tha I did a few weeks ago but it’s still hard when there that voice in my head telling me that I’m just being controlled and everything I’ve ever know isn’t actually there. Maybe it’s just something that was sent to me to get me more involved in life and appreciate all the good things I have while they’re still here instead of locking myself in my room and sitting on my computer all day. Or maybe not. Who knows.

@Jay For the record I have a different sort of ocd, but I found that trying my best to look for myself and really experience life rather than run from it and all the risks made me improve a lot. I still do even when I have majorly recovered ask myself if any of this is real. But rather than fixate on this possibility I look for what I can trust in, and lately for me that’s been my martial arts and my working out, stuff I truly love and I use those to ground, what let’s me know what is truly real. I hope you can find whatever helps ground you in the face of all these odds and anxiety you feel

@Norf I see. I’ve been trying to do the same. I’ve started baking and stuff with my mom and it helps a lot and I want to start getting back into drawing. Thank you for the advice. :)