- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
If you’ve brought this up repeatedly and nothing has changed, it’s likely not going to. She doesn’t want to do the things you want her to (for whatever reason), even if it would mean a lot to you. First and foremost you have to accept that to move forward. Second is that it sounds like you are very much a “words of affirmation” love language style. Perhaps she has a different style. Maybe she even wishes you used her language more as well. Does she exhibit other styles like acts of service? Perhaps you just aren’t hearing her love language the way she feels comfortable expressing it. Third I do see a bit of a boundary issue here. She doesn’t want to talk to someone via text all day and you feel you NEED to. If you have an anxious attachment style and she has an avoidant one, you could be simply overwhelming her with affection and constant contact, when she actually wants and needs more independence and space. If she never has a chance to miss you or feel separate from you, she likely won’t feel or express that sense of appreciation you so crave.
- Date posted
- 4y
I’ve been in this position many times before. My partner is not very affectionate and used to have a hard time with what I asked as well. What I did in turn was that I became 100% honest with him, and told him that if he does not meet my needs, we will have to take a break or end our relationship. It’s terrifying and not fun, but I was tired of asking so often. The issue was that I never gave him the time and space to grow and show me the love I wanted to be shown, and that he didn’t understand how serious it was to me to feel appreciated. In the end he took it seriously and worked on it slowly, it was bumpy because he wasn’t used to it. The key to fixing problems is time and patience, and the communication of urgency about the issue. I know you can do this and I know you guys will be fine, and hey, if you end up taking a break that is perfectly okay and normal. My boyfriend and I have been on two breaks and have been dating just a bit longer than you :). It’s normal and doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, relationships can just be a lot of work and sometimes we need to make time for our own self love and individuality. And maybe a break isn’t what you need either! Maybe it’s just some space while she learns to fix these issues that you have presented. Needless to say I hope it goes well and if you need to chat about this, please feel free to reach out:)
- Date posted
- 4y
Talk to her and tell her how you feel and ask her what's going on
- Date posted
- 4y
That’s the thing I have brought all this up at least 10 times. Each time she says she’s sorry but doesn’t change.
- Date posted
- 4y
@takingdownocd that’s not fair to you at all:( you deserve all the love in the world. it’s out there.
- Date posted
- 4y
If she's not willing to make changes then maybe it's not worth your effort either
- Date posted
- 4y
^^^ this is very important too. I was very much so like the poster in terms of needing to talk all the time while my boyfriend is more avoidant. In turn I didn’t allow him to miss me or want me as much as he wanted to because I was always anxiously loving him. It took me a couple months to realize this and move around it, because realistically loving through anxiety is a cope for the inside. It really benefited my relationship to take a step back from wanting to always be around him, always want to text etc. and allowed me to learn a healthy attachment style that helped my relationship flourish.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
just wondering if anyone has any advice for this as i’m genuinely going insane. i’ve been in a happy long term relationship but the past few months we’ve gotten incredibly closer and my girlfriend is my everything. as a result, my ocd now revolves around that and her and a million times a day i convince myself she doesn’t like me, she’ll leave, she’s annoyed at me etc. we’re both quite anxious and insecure people so anytime she brings up and insecurity or something she’s worried about relationship wise, i instantly spiral and feel incredibly guilty thinking that it is my fault, have panic attacks and so on. she reassures me a lot but any slight change in behaviour or tone triggers this whole spiral and i think all the good reassuring things she said were not true. this has been going on for a while but it has now been three nights in a row and i don’t know how much more i can take. im also scared its not just ocd and that she actually does hate me, at least in these moments any advice/suggestions are appreciated :)
- Date posted
- 24w
I've been in this relationship for 1.5 yrs on and off and what I like about her is She's smart, beautiful, cleans, she says she loves me, she cooks for me. But what I noticed about this person from the beginning is that she is negative about her past, such as getting her things stolen, going to mental hospitals back to back and people did her wrong. And I was there to be there for her such as when she is in pain, I take her to doctors, or whatever I can do to make her feel better. But I've noticed throughout the relationship that she checks on my phone and checks if im talking to someone. And always mixes up with her memory thinking I cheating on her on the relationship.. honestly her memory is not clear. Most of the time she would ask me am I talking to a girl or when I do uber do I casual talk to them, and the conversation I have is just about, How's the neighborhood here? The food around here. About God.. Nothing flirtatious what's so ever. But she always give me a conversation about other women. 2x I spoke to her about my ocd. (1st time I broke up with her because she was angry at me, and I can understand and so I broke it off) One was sexual thoughts during sex 2nd time (is an ex theme) Because I know she hates these subjects so I avoid it. This is why I tell myself don't have these thoughts, the more I don't want them, it appears in my awareness and it causes me emotional distress. I've told her about it (it could be a compulsion) she wasn't happy and seemed mad about it. So I just feel like just call it quits... because I've tried my very best to get rid of these thoughts and don't want to give her pain. I can understand why she is angry and that she loves me ( she reaches out and wants to work things out ) But what I truly do not like is when she gets mad when there are no problems such as that uber issue, she would say ok if you do that I'll talk to guys then, (in my head, what do you mean? In what way? I wasn't flirtatious or anything) What I believe is how we grew up and raised different. Throughout the relationship, when we argue (mostly about women, about her issues like who are you texting is it a girl? She would vent all the time about how she hates her workplace and jumps from job to job) My beliefs if we love each other, we should encourage each other to grow. there is no reason to opposing us from growing - to be angry, jealous, arguments etc. I do believe in God. That is why most of the time I feel like she is always talking about the past mistakes - she talked down on me about being with a prostitute - 7 yrs ago (way before this relationship started). She curses alot.. And for all these reasons I should quit the relationship. But she has the nerve to say I am unstable and that she is tired of hearing I keep kicking her out the house (it didn't happen, but she doesn't realize my needs - as in why aren't we growing from this area? - as in why are you always mad at people from work? Or why do you get annoyed all the time? I give her advice in these areas but she knows im tired of hearing about this. So she talks to her family about it. But i realized she wanted me to care for her... i do but i also do tough love... we cant just vent 24/7.) And when I told her about my ocd and broken up due to the fact of having sexual images ( I can't control it) She moved to TX and I visited her a couple times. She said she is suffering without me. And so i took her back. She don't like to talk about exes so the theme ex stuck in my head and I wanted to get rid of it. That's what cause the second breakup. I confessed to her about my problems of why the breakup happened and it seemed like she couldn't accept it , she does not understand ocd and she said she don't care. I blocked her and she was going to send me a message saying she will be there for me and love me alot and wants to grow together. But I am still resentful for what happened. Til this day I'm still afraid of her and my thoughts whenever I'm around her. -- Now she wants to marry me.. but I'm unsure because it seems forceful and that she doesn't understand what I'm going through. Even when we communicate I feel she will judge me for my ocd (even when i look for help) and I feel resentful because I feel like I did nothing wrong. There is no other woman involved, no cheating. It's just my ocd and she keeps saying I think of my ex all the time. I am not trying to hold on to flaws but thinking back of her patterns haunts me. I love her. We have seperated for months and she said she is having problems with the landlord.. So it tells me something why is she having problems with other people alot?? Whenever she's around my ocd flares up, when she's not around I feel ease but in a week, I would feel like I miss her and want to be back with her again... it's really confusing -- Today, I did ERP and the thought appeared less but she wants to be back with me and move in with me. And also marry me. But today I've been thinking of her flaws (angry, suspect me alot if there is another woman, use petty things when there arent any real issue.. the real issue is she is annoyed all the time). We say we love each other. I do love her. Sometimes I want to quit permanently, sometimes I don't. I'm confused, is this OCD? I don't know if I should stay with her. Thanks for reading my post. Any advice is appreciated. I'll also message this to my therapist. I dont feel distressed about breaking up, but can these thoughts lead you to breaking up? ( I think I answered my own question but need to know)
- Date posted
- 18w
me and my girlfriend since we started dating we be only had one problem, and that is my fear of everything of losing her of her cheating, and it’s all caused by OCD. my texts are massive and i get worried i know i love her and she makes me calm i know i love her. we had a conversation yesterday and basically she said that she feels suffocated with my texts and my fears. she went on trip were she doesn’t have her phone. and yesterday i spent the entire day crying about her. my head is filled with intrusive thoughts. and last night i got so stressed that it seemed like the love went away or i couldn’t remember the love, but it’s impossible because i was crying about her yesterday. this struggle my relationship is having is making me so stressed. pls give me advice
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