- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
I know the feeling of wanting to be "normal" I deal with my own form of suffering everyday for four months now. Its depressing. I'm on meds not sure if they are helping. Its good to talk to someone who really understands what you're going through
- Date posted
- 6y
I know how you feel and I can see how your OCD makes you wonder about these irrational scenarios. But you have to try not to give into those thoughts. Have you already tried ERP?
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe yes I have tried ERP several times almost every day and my anxiety brings me to the point where I have the ideation of suicide, so it scares me. Like when my daughter put her hands in the toilet one time and touched my bible, I then touched my bible not even thinking about it and then ate food and touched my mouth accidentally and I began obsessing over it and asking questions like "how could I ever feel confident enough to kiss a woman now when I know I have nasty toilet water in my mouth". I would try to have a normal conversation with someone in a social environment or even something like a job interview and all I could do was focus on the fact I had toilet germs in my mouth. I have lost jobs because of OCD due to my inability to make enough parts because the compulsions got in the way of my work performance. For me, it was never the fear of "germs" I know my immune system is strong enough to fight the bacteria it was always the fear of "incessant thinking" my inability to control my own thoughts. Even after washing my lips and brushing my teeth and using listerine I still convinced myself that there was toilet water in my mouth like I had somehow tattoed toilet water in my mouth and it would never go away. Like I could brush away the germs but I could never brush away the thought. I watch the movie Shawshank redemption and near the end of the movie when Andy escapes he has to crawl through 500 yards of shit, and to me I just couldnt even imagine doing something like this even if it meant being free after 19 years of being locked up for something I didn't do because even after I crawled through the shit to freedom I would still feel imprisoned in my own mind to my own thoughts because I just crawled through 500 yards of nasty shit. No mattee how many times I showered, brushed my teeth, used listerine, sprayed calogne, that thought will always be there and always tell me "you are covered in shit".
- Date posted
- 6y
It's awesome that you found a woman who is understanding! Maybe she can help you with the ERP as well, it would probably be a good thing if she went to therapy with you once or twice.
- Date posted
- 6y
@OneCoolDude i suffer from something similiar to you, there's things that you do that i do too. I know how it feels. Your OCD fucks with your mind. Like right now my hands hurts me while I'm writing this cause i repeatedly keep on washing my hands none stop to the point they get all messed up and start to bleed.
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe your right
- Date posted
- 6y
Thankfully this summer I met the love of my life who is actually the first person to come in my life who truly empathized with me and made it clear to me that this was not MY fault but in fact the illness' fault. She has made a major breakthrough in the treatment of my illness by simply showing me genuine LOVE and compassion toward my sufferings. She has taken me by the hand and walked me through my rituals and compulsions and calmed my anxiety by gently saying things to me like "its okay baby" or "come dear". She has helped me in ways no one ever has. Yes she has fed the monster of my rituals a lot, lighting my cigarettes for me because I can't, turning off the light switch because I can't, poured me coffee and prepared me food because I can't, (not that I can't I just can't without performing rituals and getting anxiety) washed my dishes because I can't and not once has she EVER judged me or called me lazy or worthless because I couldn't do all these things. I know in many cases, feeding the habit, the rituals, actually strengthens the OCD but in my situation starving the monster only made him more hungry. All I'm really missing now is the right person to explain scientifically why these beliefs I've invented in my mind are false because no matter what I try do to convince myself they are false my mind still tells me otherwise.
- Date posted
- 6y
Okay, it sounds like in your case a therapist that can guide you through the process might be really helpful. Are you trying to find one?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
I'm keeping it light hearted but I really desperately need some help. Just to preface this is very tmi. I thought it was just gonna be a quick bathroom stuff. No! That would be silly of course, so number two decided to screw things up ROYALLY. And please bear with me because I am coping with humour 😭😭. So I went, but sometimes, tmi, I struggle to.... Get it all. Out. If you know what I mean. Which is pretty awful to the point I'm like genuinely praying. Because you can't clean up properly if you're not done. So I'm in the bathroom, trying, for over half an hour. And I finally give up pretty much and try and clean up. Oh no, that was a huge mistake. But what else could I do? It was so messy that I wanted to just get in the shower and be done with it. Onto the things I'm worrying about I guess. On the tp (tmi, I'm WARNING 😭😭) it was.... Messy, and there were very loose specks on the tp. Which is an issue, because I used wet wipes which needs to be binned and not flushed, so I have to carry the tp-wipe combo over to the bin, which means carrying it over where my legs are, and thus where my clothes also are. I hate it. I'm now paranoid specks fell into my underwear! Great! Love it. I'm also paranoid specks or just #2 in general went on my hand. And, believe me, with the state of things, it was POSSIBLE. So when I'm finally done and wash my hands, of course that isn't going to feel like enough. I have really short nails, so short they're painful, and I'm always terrified stuff gets under them. So, I use a nail brush while washing my hands. I also filed them down (which HURT) because I'm convinced that could get rid of anything underneath them. But it still doesn't feel enough. Because I have loose skin and hangnails around my nails, and I'm paranoid as well that stuff gets under dry skin. Not to mention my hands are so dry from washing that they're cracked and flaky and they peel, so I am worried that #2 or dirt gets under the flakes of skin. I know it sounds stupid, but I am so scared. Usually it feels irrational but it was such a state that I'm convinced there must be a speck of it on me somewhere. On my hands. And I'm terrified. I know I need to accept uncertainty but I'm struggling right now.
- Date posted
- 25w
I’m hoping to get some feedback or hear if anyone else experiences similar things. Lately, I’ve been noticing a lot of repetitive behaviors and thoughts that feel hard to control. Some of those things are: - I often get this uneasy feeling, and if I don’t do certain things in a specific way, it just doesn’t feel "just right." - I have to wash my hands until it feels "just right," and if I try not to, I get a thought that something bad will happen if I don’t. - I dislike using public bathrooms and even shared bathrooms at home. - When I shower, I have to wear socks before stepping on the floor. If my feet touch the ground, I feel like I have to shower again. - I get hyper-fixated on cuts, worrying about them getting infected, and I avoid touching water or anything else to prevent bacteria, even if I can’t cover them with a bandaid. - I can’t use dishes that have just been washed because I think they haven’t been cleaned properly. Instead, I use the ones that have already been dried and stored. When I type (like on emails or texts), I’ll fix what I write over and over, trying to make it "just right." - I have a strange dislike for certain numbers (7, 4, and 6) and feel uncomfortable around them. - I also have to follow routines, like making my bed in a certain way, and I can’t stop until everything is in the right order. - I get stuck on intrusive thoughts, like needing to wash my hands repeatedly or constantly checking things (like if I turned off the stove) because I fear something bad will happen if I don’t. - I’ll even repeat things in my head, like words or phrases, to make the "just right" feeling go away. - Sometimes, I treat inanimate objects like they have feelings and worry about hurting them, even though I know it's not real. - I’ve always felt like I’m being watched, which causes a lot of distress. There’s more, but these are some of the main things. I feel like these thoughts and behaviors control a lot of my day, and I just can’t stop them even when I know they’re kind of irrational. Does this sound like it could be signs of OCD, or is it something else? Or just normal behavior?
- Date posted
- 15w
(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond