- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
I know the feeling of wanting to be "normal" I deal with my own form of suffering everyday for four months now. Its depressing. I'm on meds not sure if they are helping. Its good to talk to someone who really understands what you're going through
- Date posted
- 6y
I know how you feel and I can see how your OCD makes you wonder about these irrational scenarios. But you have to try not to give into those thoughts. Have you already tried ERP?
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe yes I have tried ERP several times almost every day and my anxiety brings me to the point where I have the ideation of suicide, so it scares me. Like when my daughter put her hands in the toilet one time and touched my bible, I then touched my bible not even thinking about it and then ate food and touched my mouth accidentally and I began obsessing over it and asking questions like "how could I ever feel confident enough to kiss a woman now when I know I have nasty toilet water in my mouth". I would try to have a normal conversation with someone in a social environment or even something like a job interview and all I could do was focus on the fact I had toilet germs in my mouth. I have lost jobs because of OCD due to my inability to make enough parts because the compulsions got in the way of my work performance. For me, it was never the fear of "germs" I know my immune system is strong enough to fight the bacteria it was always the fear of "incessant thinking" my inability to control my own thoughts. Even after washing my lips and brushing my teeth and using listerine I still convinced myself that there was toilet water in my mouth like I had somehow tattoed toilet water in my mouth and it would never go away. Like I could brush away the germs but I could never brush away the thought. I watch the movie Shawshank redemption and near the end of the movie when Andy escapes he has to crawl through 500 yards of shit, and to me I just couldnt even imagine doing something like this even if it meant being free after 19 years of being locked up for something I didn't do because even after I crawled through the shit to freedom I would still feel imprisoned in my own mind to my own thoughts because I just crawled through 500 yards of nasty shit. No mattee how many times I showered, brushed my teeth, used listerine, sprayed calogne, that thought will always be there and always tell me "you are covered in shit".
- Date posted
- 6y
It's awesome that you found a woman who is understanding! Maybe she can help you with the ERP as well, it would probably be a good thing if she went to therapy with you once or twice.
- Date posted
- 6y
@OneCoolDude i suffer from something similiar to you, there's things that you do that i do too. I know how it feels. Your OCD fucks with your mind. Like right now my hands hurts me while I'm writing this cause i repeatedly keep on washing my hands none stop to the point they get all messed up and start to bleed.
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe your right
- Date posted
- 6y
Thankfully this summer I met the love of my life who is actually the first person to come in my life who truly empathized with me and made it clear to me that this was not MY fault but in fact the illness' fault. She has made a major breakthrough in the treatment of my illness by simply showing me genuine LOVE and compassion toward my sufferings. She has taken me by the hand and walked me through my rituals and compulsions and calmed my anxiety by gently saying things to me like "its okay baby" or "come dear". She has helped me in ways no one ever has. Yes she has fed the monster of my rituals a lot, lighting my cigarettes for me because I can't, turning off the light switch because I can't, poured me coffee and prepared me food because I can't, (not that I can't I just can't without performing rituals and getting anxiety) washed my dishes because I can't and not once has she EVER judged me or called me lazy or worthless because I couldn't do all these things. I know in many cases, feeding the habit, the rituals, actually strengthens the OCD but in my situation starving the monster only made him more hungry. All I'm really missing now is the right person to explain scientifically why these beliefs I've invented in my mind are false because no matter what I try do to convince myself they are false my mind still tells me otherwise.
- Date posted
- 6y
Okay, it sounds like in your case a therapist that can guide you through the process might be really helpful. Are you trying to find one?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.
- Date posted
- 23w
Hi, I’m new here!! I’m praying I don’t get judged for this. But, back in late May of 2022 ( literally right before I graduated high school), I added this one random girl from my school on Snapchat. She posted something about a graduation party , so I swiped up on her story basically saying how I can’t believe we’re almost graduated. She replied and we had a really short and simple conversation. The next day ( i believe) , we started talking a lot , and I just so happened to see her at the highschool when we were grabbing our graduation outfits and doing the rehearsal. When I saw her irl, I kinda got turned off ( I heard she was kinda crazy) , and on top of that , she was a little ugly irl. I remember seeing her Snapchat bio , and she was close friends with my female cousin ( a year younger than me) , who I happened to experiment sexually with when I was 10-11 years old. I remember going to work later that day and having sort of a lightbulb flick thought ( it wasn’t a good thought though) , what if my cousin told her about what happened when we were younger? So I started to kind of panic and immediately distanced myself from that girl. I also experimented sexually with one of my female friends when I was 10-11 , and from that day onwards, I’ve been pretty much living in paranoia and a little bit of guilt about someone finding out and my life being ruined . On top of that, It’s gotten worse to now sometimes I wonder if a girl I added off of quick add ( Snapchat) is underage even if they told me they were 18+ or had 18 and above in their bio, and I get so much guilt and anxiety about that. I even had a quick thought last February on what if I did something inappropriate with my younger cousin when I was 15-16 but I just can’t exactly remember when it happened , and it still eats me alive when I think about it, because I don’t know if it happened or not. I’m sorry for the long vent, I just wish I felt normal again. No matter how much I try to do things that old me used to do, life always feels “ off”. I always kept the top part about when I was younger a secret up until early (ish ) 2024, then I vented to one of my best friends and he told me that that’s a normal thing to do at a young age. Since then, I have told multiple friends and they all say they did similar stuff, but my brain just can’t accept that. Please help me, I quite literally overthink everything nowadays. 2021 was the last full year that I felt normal ( coincidentally, the best year of my life so far) . It’s not just about sexual related things either, sometimes I’ll wonder if I messed up something at work or hit a car while driving/hit someone and drove off. I just wanna live my life how I was supposed to live it after highschool ( carefree and happy) before whatever it is ( I think it’s ocd) hit me unexpectedly. Thanks to anyone who read this , I just needed to pour it out regardless of how negative I felt typing this, I hope someone can relate , because I feel so alone in my head at times.
- Date posted
- 21w
I started dealing with OCD when I became fixated on health issues, particularly the fear of contracting a life-threatening disease. If I experienced any kind of medical symptom, no matter how small, that even remotely hinted at something potentially fatal, it would drive me crazy, and I couldn’t stop obsessing over it. Then one day, I started having intrusive thoughts about accidentally hitting someone with my car, and I would end up driving in circles to check if I had. Eventually, I found myself overwhelmed by a flood of new obsessive thoughts and compulsions. One day, while I was at the park, a squirrel came near me, and for some reason, I felt like it attacked me. I Googled it and learned that squirrels could carry rabies, which spiraled me into a deep fear of rabies. I became consumed with the thought I received a bite from a squirrel, raccoon, or bat any time I’m in areas that trigger me. It started off only being inside then transferred to even being in my own home. This made me obsess over every physical sensation in my body, compulsively checking to make sure nothing was wrong. One compulsion that I hated the most would to be putting rubbing alcohol on me to make sure that I had no open wounds. Every day feels like I’m walking around in a fog of anxiety, constantly worrying that I won’t even make it to old age. Sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want it all to end. It stresses me so bad at times to where my brain feels like I’ve been studying all day.
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