- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
I know the feeling of wanting to be "normal" I deal with my own form of suffering everyday for four months now. Its depressing. I'm on meds not sure if they are helping. Its good to talk to someone who really understands what you're going through
- Date posted
- 6y
I know how you feel and I can see how your OCD makes you wonder about these irrational scenarios. But you have to try not to give into those thoughts. Have you already tried ERP?
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe yes I have tried ERP several times almost every day and my anxiety brings me to the point where I have the ideation of suicide, so it scares me. Like when my daughter put her hands in the toilet one time and touched my bible, I then touched my bible not even thinking about it and then ate food and touched my mouth accidentally and I began obsessing over it and asking questions like "how could I ever feel confident enough to kiss a woman now when I know I have nasty toilet water in my mouth". I would try to have a normal conversation with someone in a social environment or even something like a job interview and all I could do was focus on the fact I had toilet germs in my mouth. I have lost jobs because of OCD due to my inability to make enough parts because the compulsions got in the way of my work performance. For me, it was never the fear of "germs" I know my immune system is strong enough to fight the bacteria it was always the fear of "incessant thinking" my inability to control my own thoughts. Even after washing my lips and brushing my teeth and using listerine I still convinced myself that there was toilet water in my mouth like I had somehow tattoed toilet water in my mouth and it would never go away. Like I could brush away the germs but I could never brush away the thought. I watch the movie Shawshank redemption and near the end of the movie when Andy escapes he has to crawl through 500 yards of shit, and to me I just couldnt even imagine doing something like this even if it meant being free after 19 years of being locked up for something I didn't do because even after I crawled through the shit to freedom I would still feel imprisoned in my own mind to my own thoughts because I just crawled through 500 yards of nasty shit. No mattee how many times I showered, brushed my teeth, used listerine, sprayed calogne, that thought will always be there and always tell me "you are covered in shit".
- Date posted
- 6y
It's awesome that you found a woman who is understanding! Maybe she can help you with the ERP as well, it would probably be a good thing if she went to therapy with you once or twice.
- Date posted
- 6y
@OneCoolDude i suffer from something similiar to you, there's things that you do that i do too. I know how it feels. Your OCD fucks with your mind. Like right now my hands hurts me while I'm writing this cause i repeatedly keep on washing my hands none stop to the point they get all messed up and start to bleed.
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe your right
- Date posted
- 6y
Thankfully this summer I met the love of my life who is actually the first person to come in my life who truly empathized with me and made it clear to me that this was not MY fault but in fact the illness' fault. She has made a major breakthrough in the treatment of my illness by simply showing me genuine LOVE and compassion toward my sufferings. She has taken me by the hand and walked me through my rituals and compulsions and calmed my anxiety by gently saying things to me like "its okay baby" or "come dear". She has helped me in ways no one ever has. Yes she has fed the monster of my rituals a lot, lighting my cigarettes for me because I can't, turning off the light switch because I can't, poured me coffee and prepared me food because I can't, (not that I can't I just can't without performing rituals and getting anxiety) washed my dishes because I can't and not once has she EVER judged me or called me lazy or worthless because I couldn't do all these things. I know in many cases, feeding the habit, the rituals, actually strengthens the OCD but in my situation starving the monster only made him more hungry. All I'm really missing now is the right person to explain scientifically why these beliefs I've invented in my mind are false because no matter what I try do to convince myself they are false my mind still tells me otherwise.
- Date posted
- 6y
Okay, it sounds like in your case a therapist that can guide you through the process might be really helpful. Are you trying to find one?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
back in october i made my first post about my specific type of ocd, how it mixes in with my day to day and how i “deal” with it. i talked about the starting point, how it gradually got worse, and then how it was going just a few months ago. i always think it’s insane how much can change in just the course of a small to a large amount of time. right now, i honestly feel like garbage. to be quite sincere i really want to give up, i’m barely holding on by a thread. and if i cut that thread, i really doubt anyone would care. i’ve never considered myself to be a suicidal person, and i still don’t consider myself that right now. it just gets to a point where it’s just, a lot to deal with. i don’t really enjoy things a lot nowadays. sure i have good days like everyone does, like today, when i was just enjoying my day without worries. but then it all comes crawling back twice as bad the following days. i take online college so i’m usually just stuck at home most of the time. but, when i do decide to actually go out and leave my house, my ocd just explodes because i have this whole routine i need to do or else i feel like i’ll contaminate wherever i end up going. i’m not going to go really deep into my compulsions because it’s hard enough to live with them, much more having to type them all out in detail. but when i go out my compulsions go from wiping down all my stuff i’m going to use after showering, to washing my clothes/cleaning the washer + dryer. i also have separate things (or two of the same thing) i use specifically in my house, and items i use when going out. such as shampoo/body wash, deodorant, lotion, hair curler, etc. as if that’s not draining enough, i also feel the need to fast a couple days prior to any plan i make because i’ve forced myself to believe i need to feel empty in order to be clean. i’m not sure if that’s my past eating disorder talking, or my ocd, but my brain can’t help but think any food in my house is utterly and completely contaminated. i’m so tired of this feeling, feeling like nothing will ever be clean again. feeling like my ocd is trapped in my childhood home. feeling that wave of diseases rushing through my veins the moment i step foot into what’s supposed to be “home”. and i’m so scared of therapy because what if i do get healed, and then everything comes rushing back the second i step into my room. i’m planning on moving somewhere far from my current house in this next coming year, so sometimes i feel like just waiting it out. but it’s insufferable when going to hangout with someone. i miss my friends, my family, and my partner. it’s crazy to me that i’m dealing with all this at the young age of 18 but, i’m sure lots of people have it way worse. i just want to find a way out, any possible way. but i keep pushing myself deeper and deeper that when i finally find a way, it will no longer exist.
- Date posted
- 22w
I started dealing with OCD when I became fixated on health issues, particularly the fear of contracting a life-threatening disease. If I experienced any kind of medical symptom, no matter how small, that even remotely hinted at something potentially fatal, it would drive me crazy, and I couldn’t stop obsessing over it. Then one day, I started having intrusive thoughts about accidentally hitting someone with my car, and I would end up driving in circles to check if I had. Eventually, I found myself overwhelmed by a flood of new obsessive thoughts and compulsions. One day, while I was at the park, a squirrel came near me, and for some reason, I felt like it attacked me. I Googled it and learned that squirrels could carry rabies, which spiraled me into a deep fear of rabies. I became consumed with the thought I received a bite from a squirrel, raccoon, or bat any time I’m in areas that trigger me. It started off only being inside then transferred to even being in my own home. This made me obsess over every physical sensation in my body, compulsively checking to make sure nothing was wrong. One compulsion that I hated the most would to be putting rubbing alcohol on me to make sure that I had no open wounds. Every day feels like I’m walking around in a fog of anxiety, constantly worrying that I won’t even make it to old age. Sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want it all to end. It stresses me so bad at times to where my brain feels like I’ve been studying all day.
- Date posted
- 12w
First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?
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