- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
I know the feeling of wanting to be "normal" I deal with my own form of suffering everyday for four months now. Its depressing. I'm on meds not sure if they are helping. Its good to talk to someone who really understands what you're going through
- Date posted
- 6y
I know how you feel and I can see how your OCD makes you wonder about these irrational scenarios. But you have to try not to give into those thoughts. Have you already tried ERP?
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe yes I have tried ERP several times almost every day and my anxiety brings me to the point where I have the ideation of suicide, so it scares me. Like when my daughter put her hands in the toilet one time and touched my bible, I then touched my bible not even thinking about it and then ate food and touched my mouth accidentally and I began obsessing over it and asking questions like "how could I ever feel confident enough to kiss a woman now when I know I have nasty toilet water in my mouth". I would try to have a normal conversation with someone in a social environment or even something like a job interview and all I could do was focus on the fact I had toilet germs in my mouth. I have lost jobs because of OCD due to my inability to make enough parts because the compulsions got in the way of my work performance. For me, it was never the fear of "germs" I know my immune system is strong enough to fight the bacteria it was always the fear of "incessant thinking" my inability to control my own thoughts. Even after washing my lips and brushing my teeth and using listerine I still convinced myself that there was toilet water in my mouth like I had somehow tattoed toilet water in my mouth and it would never go away. Like I could brush away the germs but I could never brush away the thought. I watch the movie Shawshank redemption and near the end of the movie when Andy escapes he has to crawl through 500 yards of shit, and to me I just couldnt even imagine doing something like this even if it meant being free after 19 years of being locked up for something I didn't do because even after I crawled through the shit to freedom I would still feel imprisoned in my own mind to my own thoughts because I just crawled through 500 yards of nasty shit. No mattee how many times I showered, brushed my teeth, used listerine, sprayed calogne, that thought will always be there and always tell me "you are covered in shit".
- Date posted
- 6y
It's awesome that you found a woman who is understanding! Maybe she can help you with the ERP as well, it would probably be a good thing if she went to therapy with you once or twice.
- Date posted
- 6y
@OneCoolDude i suffer from something similiar to you, there's things that you do that i do too. I know how it feels. Your OCD fucks with your mind. Like right now my hands hurts me while I'm writing this cause i repeatedly keep on washing my hands none stop to the point they get all messed up and start to bleed.
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe your right
- Date posted
- 6y
Thankfully this summer I met the love of my life who is actually the first person to come in my life who truly empathized with me and made it clear to me that this was not MY fault but in fact the illness' fault. She has made a major breakthrough in the treatment of my illness by simply showing me genuine LOVE and compassion toward my sufferings. She has taken me by the hand and walked me through my rituals and compulsions and calmed my anxiety by gently saying things to me like "its okay baby" or "come dear". She has helped me in ways no one ever has. Yes she has fed the monster of my rituals a lot, lighting my cigarettes for me because I can't, turning off the light switch because I can't, poured me coffee and prepared me food because I can't, (not that I can't I just can't without performing rituals and getting anxiety) washed my dishes because I can't and not once has she EVER judged me or called me lazy or worthless because I couldn't do all these things. I know in many cases, feeding the habit, the rituals, actually strengthens the OCD but in my situation starving the monster only made him more hungry. All I'm really missing now is the right person to explain scientifically why these beliefs I've invented in my mind are false because no matter what I try do to convince myself they are false my mind still tells me otherwise.
- Date posted
- 6y
Okay, it sounds like in your case a therapist that can guide you through the process might be really helpful. Are you trying to find one?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
I'm keeping it light hearted but I really desperately need some help. Just to preface this is very tmi. I thought it was just gonna be a quick bathroom stuff. No! That would be silly of course, so number two decided to screw things up ROYALLY. And please bear with me because I am coping with humour 😭😭. So I went, but sometimes, tmi, I struggle to.... Get it all. Out. If you know what I mean. Which is pretty awful to the point I'm like genuinely praying. Because you can't clean up properly if you're not done. So I'm in the bathroom, trying, for over half an hour. And I finally give up pretty much and try and clean up. Oh no, that was a huge mistake. But what else could I do? It was so messy that I wanted to just get in the shower and be done with it. Onto the things I'm worrying about I guess. On the tp (tmi, I'm WARNING 😭😭) it was.... Messy, and there were very loose specks on the tp. Which is an issue, because I used wet wipes which needs to be binned and not flushed, so I have to carry the tp-wipe combo over to the bin, which means carrying it over where my legs are, and thus where my clothes also are. I hate it. I'm now paranoid specks fell into my underwear! Great! Love it. I'm also paranoid specks or just #2 in general went on my hand. And, believe me, with the state of things, it was POSSIBLE. So when I'm finally done and wash my hands, of course that isn't going to feel like enough. I have really short nails, so short they're painful, and I'm always terrified stuff gets under them. So, I use a nail brush while washing my hands. I also filed them down (which HURT) because I'm convinced that could get rid of anything underneath them. But it still doesn't feel enough. Because I have loose skin and hangnails around my nails, and I'm paranoid as well that stuff gets under dry skin. Not to mention my hands are so dry from washing that they're cracked and flaky and they peel, so I am worried that #2 or dirt gets under the flakes of skin. I know it sounds stupid, but I am so scared. Usually it feels irrational but it was such a state that I'm convinced there must be a speck of it on me somewhere. On my hands. And I'm terrified. I know I need to accept uncertainty but I'm struggling right now.
- Date posted
- 21w
So I have pretty intense contamination OCD tied to Moral/Real event OCD, and I'm having a hard time with it because part of me does genuinely believe my logic checks out, and I was hoping to get some insight as to how to change the way I see it from other people who sort of get the mindset involved :). To sum it up as well as I can, I basically have a very souped-up version of the same item-event association most people have. For example, let's say you have a HORRIBLE, GOD AWFUL relationship with a person you can't even begin to think of favorably even years after the event. They had gotten you a stuffed animal for your anniversary at some point. You finally "escape" the relationship, and you throw away the stuffed animal. This is seen as a very normal and sound-of-mind action. Here's where things get tricky: For me, throwing out that stuffed animal wouldn't be enough. After all, it touched my table didn't it? And my table touched the floor right? And these things now carry that person's germs. And if I don't get rid of them, then they'll infect my future belongings. This logic isn't entirely flawed either, as even my OCD specialist said he believes in a "weaker version of what I do". How am I supposed to convince myself that what I'm believing is false when the literal psychologist confirmed that what I'm doing is just a more in-depth version of a normal experience? Ex: I have a new outfit, fresh and clean. I'm unbothered and happy, but I knick the side of a table. The table holds awful associations. I get this awful sense of dread. The clothes are now somewhat sullied, and I'll eventually have to give them away. I don't think I'm explaining this as well as I could, but I feel like those notions are there. Anyways, does anyone have any insight as to how to get my mind to genuinely believe that interacting with these things is "safe"?
- Date posted
- 21w
I’m hoping to get some feedback or hear if anyone else experiences similar things. Lately, I’ve been noticing a lot of repetitive behaviors and thoughts that feel hard to control. Some of those things are: - I often get this uneasy feeling, and if I don’t do certain things in a specific way, it just doesn’t feel "just right." - I have to wash my hands until it feels "just right," and if I try not to, I get a thought that something bad will happen if I don’t. - I dislike using public bathrooms and even shared bathrooms at home. - When I shower, I have to wear socks before stepping on the floor. If my feet touch the ground, I feel like I have to shower again. - I get hyper-fixated on cuts, worrying about them getting infected, and I avoid touching water or anything else to prevent bacteria, even if I can’t cover them with a bandaid. - I can’t use dishes that have just been washed because I think they haven’t been cleaned properly. Instead, I use the ones that have already been dried and stored. When I type (like on emails or texts), I’ll fix what I write over and over, trying to make it "just right." - I have a strange dislike for certain numbers (7, 4, and 6) and feel uncomfortable around them. - I also have to follow routines, like making my bed in a certain way, and I can’t stop until everything is in the right order. - I get stuck on intrusive thoughts, like needing to wash my hands repeatedly or constantly checking things (like if I turned off the stove) because I fear something bad will happen if I don’t. - I’ll even repeat things in my head, like words or phrases, to make the "just right" feeling go away. - Sometimes, I treat inanimate objects like they have feelings and worry about hurting them, even though I know it's not real. - I’ve always felt like I’m being watched, which causes a lot of distress. There’s more, but these are some of the main things. I feel like these thoughts and behaviors control a lot of my day, and I just can’t stop them even when I know they’re kind of irrational. Does this sound like it could be signs of OCD, or is it something else? Or just normal behavior?
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