- Date posted
- 6y
- Date posted
- 6y
I know the feeling of wanting to be "normal" I deal with my own form of suffering everyday for four months now. Its depressing. I'm on meds not sure if they are helping. Its good to talk to someone who really understands what you're going through
- Date posted
- 6y
I know how you feel and I can see how your OCD makes you wonder about these irrational scenarios. But you have to try not to give into those thoughts. Have you already tried ERP?
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe yes I have tried ERP several times almost every day and my anxiety brings me to the point where I have the ideation of suicide, so it scares me. Like when my daughter put her hands in the toilet one time and touched my bible, I then touched my bible not even thinking about it and then ate food and touched my mouth accidentally and I began obsessing over it and asking questions like "how could I ever feel confident enough to kiss a woman now when I know I have nasty toilet water in my mouth". I would try to have a normal conversation with someone in a social environment or even something like a job interview and all I could do was focus on the fact I had toilet germs in my mouth. I have lost jobs because of OCD due to my inability to make enough parts because the compulsions got in the way of my work performance. For me, it was never the fear of "germs" I know my immune system is strong enough to fight the bacteria it was always the fear of "incessant thinking" my inability to control my own thoughts. Even after washing my lips and brushing my teeth and using listerine I still convinced myself that there was toilet water in my mouth like I had somehow tattoed toilet water in my mouth and it would never go away. Like I could brush away the germs but I could never brush away the thought. I watch the movie Shawshank redemption and near the end of the movie when Andy escapes he has to crawl through 500 yards of shit, and to me I just couldnt even imagine doing something like this even if it meant being free after 19 years of being locked up for something I didn't do because even after I crawled through the shit to freedom I would still feel imprisoned in my own mind to my own thoughts because I just crawled through 500 yards of nasty shit. No mattee how many times I showered, brushed my teeth, used listerine, sprayed calogne, that thought will always be there and always tell me "you are covered in shit".
- Date posted
- 6y
It's awesome that you found a woman who is understanding! Maybe she can help you with the ERP as well, it would probably be a good thing if she went to therapy with you once or twice.
- Date posted
- 6y
@OneCoolDude i suffer from something similiar to you, there's things that you do that i do too. I know how it feels. Your OCD fucks with your mind. Like right now my hands hurts me while I'm writing this cause i repeatedly keep on washing my hands none stop to the point they get all messed up and start to bleed.
- Date posted
- 6y
@Maybe your right
- Date posted
- 6y
Thankfully this summer I met the love of my life who is actually the first person to come in my life who truly empathized with me and made it clear to me that this was not MY fault but in fact the illness' fault. She has made a major breakthrough in the treatment of my illness by simply showing me genuine LOVE and compassion toward my sufferings. She has taken me by the hand and walked me through my rituals and compulsions and calmed my anxiety by gently saying things to me like "its okay baby" or "come dear". She has helped me in ways no one ever has. Yes she has fed the monster of my rituals a lot, lighting my cigarettes for me because I can't, turning off the light switch because I can't, poured me coffee and prepared me food because I can't, (not that I can't I just can't without performing rituals and getting anxiety) washed my dishes because I can't and not once has she EVER judged me or called me lazy or worthless because I couldn't do all these things. I know in many cases, feeding the habit, the rituals, actually strengthens the OCD but in my situation starving the monster only made him more hungry. All I'm really missing now is the right person to explain scientifically why these beliefs I've invented in my mind are false because no matter what I try do to convince myself they are false my mind still tells me otherwise.
- Date posted
- 6y
Okay, it sounds like in your case a therapist that can guide you through the process might be really helpful. Are you trying to find one?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 19w
(Long post warning) Hi, I’ve been struggling with severe OCD for six years now. it started in 2019 with my theme being getting sick/emetophobia. it devastated my life. I almost didn’t graduate high school from it. I remember washing my hands for three hours one day until they were nearly bloody while crying and asking why I could not stop doing it. I remember id have to write and rewrite sentences when I did my English homework and that’s why I nearly failed that class. I remember how I would spend up to thirty minutes to an hour pacing the halls of my apartment while my mom was asleep until I neutralized the thoughts about throwing up and I could finally go to bed. I don’t know when it happened, but my theme switched. Sometimes in late 2020 or early 2021, it switched to POCD. It started with a single thought, and I focused on it and it’s been my theme since then for four years. It has been absolutely destroying me. I feel so disgusted and lost and just tired. My compulsions are severe now. I thought they were bad before, but now they’re ten times worse. I can’t eat, drink, change my clothes, walk, or even do things on my phone normally. I’ve developed so many mental compulsions that it’s so intricate and complicated yet at the same time I’ve done them so much that they’ve become normal. An example I have is if im putting on a shirt and I have a “bad” thought, I have to take it off and put it back on two more times (that’ll make it 3 times I put the shirt back on - odd numbers are my safe number). I have to have a good thought on the third time otherwise I have to take it off and put it on two more times to make it five times I put on that shirt. If not that then I just put on a different shirt because the original is now tainted with my bad thought. I can’t open apps on my phone. It’s with the numbers again. If I open TikTok once while having a bad thought - I have to close it and open it two more times and so on. Sometimes I do it up to 30 times. So I just don’t do things usually. I don’t turn on the TV because I know I’ll redo it. I don’t open a book or grab it off my shelf because I’ll have to repeat the action. I can’t even lay in bed without getting up and redoing it even if im exhausted. I just feel so helpless. I don’t know what to do. I feel disgusting and even now my minds screaming at me that I am dirty and what I think is true. I just wish I was free of this, I wish I could just live my life. I’ve wasted hours and days because of my compulsions. I mask it so well around my friends. I don’t do them in front of anyone or I’ve learned to hide it well. But when im back home alone, it goes haywire. I just want to live again.
- Date posted
- 16w
I can’t function. Everything I do is avoiding setting off my ocd. I stay up til like 5am everyday so I get time to myself where I know that my family is not doing anything, (I am severely set off by food and smells). Then I will wake up and straight away get up to go downstairs (after shifting towels that I use to block the gap from underneath my bedroom door and using my shirt to open and close my bedroom door). When going downstairs I have to leave my phone in my room or it will get contaminated. Once downstairs I can let my fam get food out and do anything that they need (breakfast/lunch), and the second they’re finished I must set a timer for 30min-2hrs before I can even consider going in my room. I can’t touch my drinks, opting for straws that I don’t touch once drank through. I can only sit on one couch cushion in my entire house, except bathroom and bedroom. I can’t touch food, I can’t touch cutlery (wrapping kitchen roll around the handle (eating burgers and pizza with a fork is hell)). I can’t touch the tv remote, or any family members except my dog. I can’t touch any door handles, usually using my foot or getting help from a family member. Every time I go into my bedroom I need to wash my hands at least 3 times before I even consider entering. If my parents cut the grass, I have to semi-suffocate under my bed comforter for the entirety of it and 2hrs after, then spray my room with disinfectant. If my door is open for a second too long or more than a crack, I need to spray (literally squeezing myself through the door every time) and must always block the door with towels. I can’t touch anything on my desk/sides/storage furniture except my mattress, blanket, clothes, and a single notebook that I disinfect every now and then. Multiple times a week I have to wash my phone (I know it’s really bad and I’m already on my second phone because of this, and broke my Nintendo trying to do the same). I have to do my makeup with a t shirt or smth separating my hands from the bottle. I can’t touch my cars seatbelt or anything in the car (had to forgo driving entirely for the past 4 months). I hate this so much and thankfully started Prozac last week, hoping it does something.
- Date posted
- 12w
hi everyone!! so idk if anyone will see this, but i guess i have a lot of questions. i got diagnosed with OCD about 2 years ago or so but i’ve had it for as long as i can remember. my obsessions and compulsions root from my worst fears and what i’m most afraid of losing. when i was really young, it started with doing things or else the devil was going to come and get me, because that was my worst fear at that time. i have to count, i usually do things in pairs of 3. i HATE even numbers. only odd numbers. sometimes i spend a lot of time redoing something over and over and over again just until it feels “right.” i have super bad sensory issues. i cut the tags out of everything i own, my nails have to be short or else i will dig them into my skin until i bleed because it just doesn’t feel right. at school i used to be late to class because i would be at my locker turning the combination either 3, 7, 9, 11, or 13 times. it just depended on what felt right. before i would go to bed i would have to sit up and check the door 3 , 7, 9… etc. one time i had to check 27 times before i could go to sleep. i’m actually scared of getting things i want in life because my OCD will hold it against me. “you better do this or else you’ll lose this.” the more happy i am in life, the worse my OCD gets. it prays on my worst fears. if there is even something slightly wrong with my clothes: a tiny thread hanging lose, a bad memory attached, i will never wear it again. there’s one thing im sorta embarrassed to say but it’s one of my worst ones. basically: peeing. at night, i have to continuously go to the bathroom over and over again because i feel like my bladder isn’t completely empty. i will keep telling myself “it’s full, i have to go.” even when i just peed 5 minutes ago. and due to this, it causes a lot of wiping. i have wiped myself raw to the point i bleed a lot. it’s embarrassing, but i can’t stop. it never feels clean enough. my hair is never perfect enough. my clothes are ugly. i think i mostly struggle with perfectionism OCD. but is that it? i also feel like if i don’t do certain things, it will cause something bad to happen to my family or friends. like i have magical control over events. i don’t know. can someone help please?
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