Please someone help me. I feel like I’m in denial. I feel like I don’t have ocd. It’s too real. The intrusive thoughts aren’t as frequent, I don’t have anxiety or do compulsions. I’m not even against the thoughts anymore. I can’t explain how real it feels. It can’t be ocd and the thing is I just don’t want to like girls. That’s it. I just don’t want to. But that sounds like I’m resisting my sexuality and it feels like this too. I’m sorry to everyone on this app but I don’t think I’m like u anymore. If things like internalised homophobia and comphet didn’t exist then I’d know I was straight but they do so now I think I’m just that. I don’t want to marry a girl or have sex with one or anything. I want to be straight and just fucking live my life. I’ve never had a boyfriend and I haven’t had a crush on a boy for years even though my ‘ocd’ started in the summer. I’ve had loads of male celebrity crushes that I’ve felt like I’ve loved and I don’t understand how those could’ve been fake but they must have been. Compulsions don’t comfort me I just watch tv to distract myself and that’s it. I can’t do this shit anymore. I don’t want to like girls but I have to be either bi or lesbian. Please I just want to be straight I don’t get it.

I’m not getting as many intrusive thoughts anymore, which should be good. But right now I just had a massive setback. I was watching a ufc pay per view and I kept getting intrusive thoughts of me making out with one of the fighters and it felt so real. I hate it. And I woke up to an intrusive explicit thoughts between two male characters from a show I’m currently watching. I vomit and gag to explicit thoughts of homosexual activity. I don’t want this to be internalized homophobia and i just pray to god that this is HOCD.

@notoOCD Hey there :) sorry to hear your OCD is spiking again. If it helps you to hear a story from me, I'll tell you that last night I was triggered by watching the Twilight Zone (of all things lol) and a provocative lady was in the episode and it sent so much doubt into my mind because it felt so real to be aroused or attracted to her. But hey, we have to realize that this is how OCD works. It's just the same old cycle over and over again, and it's up to us to stop it. The thing that really helped me to feel better after a back door spike like that, was to accept the thoughts but not to add fuel to the fire (ie question why I had it, or check myself, or ruminate on the past, etc). And eventually, I felt better and regained my composure. Just know that we are all fighting alongside you. You're never alone in this :) and the solution is not find the solution. It's kind of like people who search for happiness but are never happy. We just have to live life day to day and make progress. Let me know if I can help you at all any further. I'm available to talk anytime.

Wait so it’s okay to not have intrusive thoughts? Like in the beginning when all of this happened I had the “what if I’m gay” thought and immediately after that nothing was the same but I look back at it and I wasn’t constantly having this thought pop into my head which leads me to believe that I am gay and it makes no sense to me because I’ve always liked guys before this, like yes I would think some girls were pretty but I never once thought about being with them romantically/sexually. It was always guys, I always wanted their attention get married in the future have my own kids but now it seems like that’s not going to happen and I’m gonna have to come out as bi even though I don’t want anything with women.

@Ximena G Whenever I talk to girls my age and I’m flirting with girls and stuff, I feel so happy and I get a groinal response I’m comfortable with. I love talking to girls and I want to be with girls romantically forever

@Ximena G Hey again :) yes, it sounds like a classic case of SOOCD. But this is for you to figure out in your own time. Seriously, my only advice is to stop trying to solve it. It is a puzzle that cannot be completed. Put the pieces away and let them be. And over time, I'm sure you'll see an improvement. My SOOCD stemmed from ROCD and it's been a long road to recovery, but I am a hundred times better than when I first began my journey. Intrusive thoughts are not a good term, in my experience, we blame everything on them. But the truth is that we often form these thoughts on our own to check or to be reassured. This is called rumination. Rumination, in my opinion, is just as bad as the anxiety (if not worse) because it can feel more convincing and real. Back door spikes happen when people feel zero or little to no anxiety but are still ruminating almost 100% percent of their day. It sounds to me like you're ruminating a lot! Let it go :) and most of all, be kind to yourself and show yourself love and compassion.

@notoOCD That’s how I feel with guys I want to be with guys only and I feel genuinely happy but now I feel like forcing it especially after this happened

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Thank you so much for responding! I just feel miserable because I know I have to sit with uncertainty but I’m having a hard time doing this because I’m so hyper focused on this one are of my life, my sexuality. I’ve just recently left a guy I was talking to for about a year because I have relationship anxiety I’m not too sure if I have rocd but I do know that I would worry all the time when I was with him. Like this affects other areas in my life such as school and work not just relationships. This guy that I was with even told me I notice you react to certain things and I remember my heart stopped and I thought he thinks I’m gay and then I just thought he doesn’t deserve me, he can do better etc. So I left him because I felt unworthy and to my surprise he reached out to me after I left him and said that he’d want to try this again in the future and it made me realize that he truly cared despite what he saw when we were together. At that time I didn’t know what hocd was so I thought this would go away but this hasn’t:/

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Im panicking really bad now because of past memories. I would always change as fast as I could in high school because I didn’t want guys to see my **** and make fun of me about how it was small. My HOCD makes me think I wanted to impress guys with my size when I dont want guys to see my **** at all. I DONT WANT TO BE GAY OR BISEXUALL!!!!

@Ximena G Hey, I understand that :) did you know on average it takes over a decade for most people with OCD to find help? That's because OCD is so complex that a lot of times, we think we're perfectly fine until something triggers a subtype. Some people with OCD go into full remission for years and forget what it was like to have OCD. Others deal with it for years. Just know that OCD is the doubting disorder - it attacks anything we were once confident in. I knew before OCD that I was a straight, lucky go happy type of girl that was head over heels for her fiance. With OCD, however, it attacks this confidence and tries its best to trick us. But scientifically, it's not the brain's fault. It is simply just our amygdala being tripped on a constant basis, and that's why it's a distressing disorder. These thoughts aren't evil, they're just there to make us hyper aware of our situation because it thinks that we are in danger. But we're not in danger, and we must prove that to our brain time and time again. Eventually, things will settle down. You will be able to take it in stride. Just as I mentioned, even I still get spikes. Everyone with OCD does. However, the point of all this therapy and hard work that you're doing, is so that you respond better to it in the future. The thoughts feel so real, right? And they feel so satisfying sometimes. But one thing I've realized is that OCD can attack you in ways that you didn't even know. It can do so much damage to your subconscious as well. For instance, I used to bite my cheeks all the time until they would bleed. I knew it was a bad habit but I just thought it was a habit (everyone has those, right?!) Wrong. It was OCD. And I wasn't even aware of it!!! So no wonder these thoughts are so powerful. They infest everywhere and make you believe it - and you might not even be aware of it! Just remember that you don't have to solve it. You can try and try and try. You can try all day long, forever and ever. But take my advice, it is a road that shouldn't be traveled on. Take it one day at a time. It sounds to me like you've made a ton of progress if you aren't as anxious as what you used to be.

@notoOCD Hey there :) sounds to me like you're spiking again. False memories are a very popular method that our OCD likes to latch onto. Do me a favor and sit with it. What I mean by that is to let the thoughts and images enter your brain. Do you see them? Do you see all the faces in the locker rooms? Do you see yourself in the situation? Good. Now, stop. Don't think of a scenario. Stop checking. Stop imagining that guy who is staring at you. Your brain is saying "but he's hot, what if I should just go over there and touch him?" "Oh no, what if he wants to touch me? Would I like it? Would it feel good? I mean, it would obviously feel good... but I'm not gay!!!" Stop. Rewind. Sit with the thought. Stop imagining these things. They're not the reality. Your job is to snap out of this behavior. If you can control your energy towards the thoughts, then you can stop the rumination. Let's do it one more time. Picture the thing that is giving you the most anxiety or awkward feeling. Got it? Now don't do anything else. Just let it hang there. Don't try to move it around in your head in various scenarios. Don't let yourself check for arousal. Do it again and again and again. Don't dig at it. Just let it hang out there and let it be as it is. It will leave. It will come back again but your job is still the same. Your job is to STOP looking or finding an answer. Your job is not to dig at it or obsess over it. Now try it. And let me know how it goes.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Right I feel like I started comparing myself with others who have been diagnosed with ocd, I actually start therapy on here in two weeks and I am a bit nervous. I feel like I’ve let this make my world smaller and smaller I only feel safe and comfortable when I’m home. Like I still want to be in a relationship with guys and I feel like I shouldn’t let this stop me even though it is really hard. Part of me fears about opening up about it because I feel like they won’t understand and they’ll leave because it will be too much, like I feel like a burden. But you mentioned you bite the inside of your cheek? I actually do that to even before this happened like since I was younger same with biting my nails and I would also pick on my scabs. I also thought this was a bad habit?!

@Ximena G Comparing ourselves with others who have "confirmed" OCD is a compulsion and almost all of us do it out of fear. We want to feel just like everyone else otherwise we worry that our case is somehow different from the rest. But don't let that get to you, I assure you that you will see the patterns of OCD once you begin therapy. You are unique and so is your OCD experience. And yes, I bit my lips and chewed my cheeks from a child. I've had OCD my entire life; my onset was around age 5 or so. I have had nearly every subtype. It takes a lot of dedication to change those behaviors because it is a way for us to deal with rumination or anxiety. Basically, we use those tics as a way to cope. They're called body-focused repetitive behaviors (bfrb for short), and a lot of people with OCD deal with it. But just like all things with OCD, it is curable. I haven't done it in a long time.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. That makes me feel less alone thank you, are bfrb early signs of ocd?

@Ximena G Most definitely. I would argue that the bfrb behavior stems as a byproduct of the OCD. Almost everyone I've talked to who has or had a bfrb said that they started it at a very young age. Hope you're having a better night, how are you doing right now? Any better?

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Wow okay that just lit a lightbulb in my head because I’ve had bfrb since I was little. And just recently I started pulling my hair out so trichotillomania and it got to the point where my left side of my hair is shorter. Are cognitive distortions also a result of ocd? Because when I was younger I thought I was able to read people’s minds as silly as that sounds? I’ve read a lot into cognitive distortions which are errors in thinking. But honestly after talking to you it made me feel better I seriously can’t thank you enough. Since I had no knowledge on ocd prior to this I really felt hopeless, thank you for what you do.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. It’s making me feel like I’m anxious of women now. I’m talking to my ex crush and I’m getting this feeling in my chest like I’m going to puke or something. I ONLY WANT TO LOVE WOMEN!!! I DONT WANT TO BE GAY OR BISEXUAL!!!! No anxious feelings either. I hate this

@Ximena G Awe, it's nothing :) and I'm glad you're feeling less alone. When I first learned of OCD, all I had to guide me was some vague subreddits that weren't very helpful. But now days, it has improved so much and honestly, you can find thousands of people who think and feel just like you. So it makes it less isolating, and I personally believe that if you have people who understand and surround yourself with positive energy, all will end well. Yes, cognitive distortions are also very common with OCD. From my perspective, I've noted that many have creative outlets (might I add, these creative ideas can be extremely complex and fantasized). I would say it's just another facet of having something like OCD. And in a lot of ways, it can be a good thing. I've met numerous authors, musicians, painters, etc. who have OCD and cognitive distortions but have a wildly creative imagination that can lead to many great things. So there's *always* a silver lining and there's always hope!

@Ximena G And as for pulling out your hair... I do have some advice: 1. Go easy on yourself. Your first goal is to become aware of your behavior. 2. Give yourself an option. Tell yourself it's okay to do it; giving yourself a choice will tell your brain that it's not as important as it seems. And then by that method, you will start doing it less and less. 3. Become aware of when you do it the most (ie in your bed, talking to someone, walking around, watching TV, etc). I hope this helps :)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I don’t really know what to do about my HOCD atm.

@notoOCD What's up? How can I help? :)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Talking to a girl atm, Getting a weird feeling in my stomach, Like I’m gonna vomit, And my HOCD is making me think (if it is even HOCD) that I’m anxious of women and thusly in denial. When I don’t want to be. I have no anxious feeling either.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I also had constant intrusive thoughts and feelings throughout the day

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. This community has been welcoming and I’m just glad I stumbled across this app. I feel less alone in my struggle, and I’m glad that I was able to talk to you because we have the theme! I’m feeling a bit better about therapy:)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. This definitely did help thank you, I find myself doing it the most when I’m stressed and or anxious. I feel like putting my hair up will help so it’s not as accessible, and just stop the urge of wanting to pull my hair out. Thank you again!:)

Does it feel really real? I’m having a hard time believing it’s ocd

@Clementine Look I'm trying to listen to my doctor and his diagnosis but yes some times it feels extremely real ..

@alexa Sorry that sounded like I was saying it about you. I meant I don’t believe I have it but yeah it’s scary

@Clementine I think we have to believe our therapists . They know better

I feel the same way! I don’t have any intrusive thoughts which leads me to believe that that I’m in denial now and I am gay even though I don’t want to be either

But I only want to be with women for the rest of my life. And I get these constant intrusive feelings even when I’m around both genders. So I seize up my head in order to get it to stop. I don’t want to be anxious of women at all. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual at all. I just want to be with a woman for the rest of my natural born life, and I’m scared that I may or may not be in denial. I just hope to god it’s all HOCD. I don’t want to be gay or bisexual and I only want to love women 😭😭😭😭😭

@notoOCD Just work with what I told you and you'll find the way. You will make progress. I'm here every step of the way :) stop finding a solution. Now go and practice what I said, and you will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, okay? You got this.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. Thank you so much Kylee. I just hope that this is all HOCD. I’m trying to accept every thought and feeling that comes my way and just living my life, but it gets so difficult sometimes you know? Especially when I’m not diagnosed and that it feels so real.

@notoOCD Hey, look, I understand that fully. And the uncertainty is the hardest part of it all. But honestly, when is life ever truly black and white? I mean, really, let's step outside of our minds for a second and see how others view the world. They view it with much more variance and color than us. It is more free and open. And that's how I want you to feel. Right now, the truth is that you feel like a prisoner. You feel trapped between two worlds: one where you're confident in yourself and you remember all the times that you just instinctively knew your orientation, and a world where everything is arousing and confusing and distressing. You're in the middle. But I'm with you there, too. One day, you'll get to a place where you can find the road you're looking for. It will be one filled with compassion and kindness for yourself. Give it time, really. All I ask of you is to try hard everyday. Practice exposures and practice removing rumination.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I’m trying to remove rumination from my daily life. But when specific stuff like that earlier stuff happens, it just feels so hard not to ruminate. But I’ll stop ruminating and love myself and live my life. This specific stuff just makes me so sad and angry at the same time

@notoOCD That's okay :) allow yourself to feel those emotions and get it all out so that it doesn't get bottled up later. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I just have to scream or cry hysterically when my OCD gets to me. I found out that doing kickboxing really helped stabilize my emotions towards OCD. Everyone should have at least one thing that they can do to release the tension and sadness. Either way, you're never alone. And I really mean that. I might not always respond immediately, but I am always here to listen. Take it a step at a time. I'm proud of you for taking the initiative to stop ruminating. I really think that it is one of the worst compulsions that we have.

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I just hope that I come out of this a straight man. Because I only want to be with women and nothing else. And I’ll love women forever. Also when I’m talking to them, my HOCD intrusive thoughts either stop or lessen and they don’t bother me as much.

@notoOCD I'd say the best thing for you to do is to focus on exposures. Talk to both men and women. All ages and orientations. Watch movies, read magazines, etc. It will feel worse at first but it does get better. Keep talking to women. But don't use it as a way to check yourself or reassure your orientation. Again, fake it till you make it! :)

@NOCD Advocate - Kylee C. I did talk to a cable guy and strangers that a girl introduced to me as some exposures. I was constantly getting intrusive thoughts about them the entire time and at one point I gagged because of how bad the intrusive thoughts were