I’m getting this constant feeling and thought in the back of my mind that’s telling me I’m gay or bisexual when I don’t want to be. It’s so hard to distract myself. I honestly hope that it’s HOCD and not denial.

How to Stop Ruminating I’m in the process of writing a more thorough manual about how to stop ruminating, but I wanted to make a barebones version available in the meantime: Here is the basic exercise I use to teach people how to stop ruminating: Identify a problem that you usually ruminate about. Your job is to not try to solve that problem. Do not try to push it out of your mind or forget about it. Don’t actively try to keep it in mind either. It can be there or not be there; it doesn’t matter. Your only job is to not try to solve it. If you were able to do this: Awesome. This is what it means not to ruminate. It doesn’t mean you forget about the problem. It just means you stop trying to solve it. Since you’ve now shown yourself that you are able to stop ruminating, if there are times in the future when you feel like you can’t stop, it’ll probably be because you’re justifying it. Remember that you do know how to stop, and you just need to make a clear decision to do so. If you had trouble with this exercise, what follows is a list of the problems people most frequently encounter, and a brief explanation of what to do about each one. If you feel like you are working hard or feel anxious throughout the exercise, there is probably something wrong with your approach, and you should consult the list below: “It keeps popping into my mind.” That’s fine. It can pop in, or even just stay there. That’s not a problem. The problem is trying to solve it. If it pops in, just refrain from trying to solve it. “I was able to stop but it was really hard. I don’t know if I could keep this up all the time.” Sounds like you’re imagining that if you don’t hold it back, the rumination will come flooding in. It won’t. Rumination doesn’t happen to you; you do it. Think of this like stepping off of a treadmill, not holding back floodwaters. “I keep trying to think about other things but it’s still there.” You don’t need to actively try to distract yourself by thinking about other things. If I asked you to stop solving a math problem, you wouldn’t try to distract yourself; you would just stop. Do the same thing here. “I keep trying to stay present/mindful but my mind keeps wandering.” You don’t need to do mindfulness or be present. You can think about whatever you want, or let your mind wander. Your only job is not to solve the problem. If I asked you to stop solving a math problem, you wouldn’t need to do mindfulness; you would just stop. Do the same thing here. “I don’t know what to do instead.” Literally anything. You don’t need to do anything instead; your only job is not to solve this problem. If I asked you to stop solving a math problem, what would you do instead? Whatever you wanted. Just don’t solve the math problem. If I asked you to get off of a treadmill, what would you do instead? Whatever you wanted. “I keep thinking about how to stop solving it” or ”I keep worrying that I’m ruminating.” Stop trying to figure out how to stop. That’s rumination, too. If the thought occurs to you that you might be doing it wrong, treat that the same way as the original problem: don’t try to solve it. For further discussion, check out Ruminating about Ruminating. “I’m not solving it exactly but I can’t stop thinking about it anyway.” It sounds like you’re directing your attention toward it, like looking over your shoulder to see if it’s there. Try to stop doing this. If you notice it, that’s fine, but try to let go of actively monitoring it. “I’m not trying to figure it out exactly, but I can’t stop seeing disturbing images or scenes.” Except in very unusual circumstances, you can’t really visualize something clearly or for a long time without doing so on purpose. The most visualizing that can happen outside your control is a vague image occurring to you for a brief moment. You are probably visualizing these things on purpose in an effort to figure something out (e.g., by checking your response to the images). “I still felt uneasy (or any other way).” That’s okay, that doesn’t mean you’re ruminating. Don’t try to control your feelings. Control your thinking. “I got upset whenever it came back into my mind.” That makes sense, since this is a problem that upsets you. Being upset about this problem doesn’t mean you’re ruminating. In fact, you’ll probably be reminded of this problem often, and you may feel upset for a moment, or even longer; your job is to refrain from trying to solve it anyway. Don’t try to control your feelings. Control your thinking. These are the problems people have most frequently when learning how to stop ruminating. There are some additional problems that people frequently encounter when they try to eliminate rumination at all times. For help with these, check out I Know How to Stop Ruminating but I Can’t Seem to Stop All the Time.

Different therapists and researchers (and farmers, actually) use the word rumination in different ways, and that makes it important to define exactly what I mean when I use that word. When I talk about rumination, I’m talking about any type of mental engagement with the problem; put another way, I’m talking about shifting into problem-solving mode. This includes analyzing, mental reviewing, mental checking, visualizing, monitoring, and even directing attention toward the problem.* Crucially, all of these mental processes are controllable. They don’t happen to us; we do them on purpose.** I group all of the above mental processes together not only because they serve a similar function and are controllable, but because they are all characterized by a subjective experience of mental engagement with the problem.I believe it is easier to see the totality of rumination when you think about it as mental engagement with the problem, broadly speaking, rather than several discrete mental processes. Without a broad enough definition of rumination, aspects of this compulsion persist unnoticed, and continue to cause anxiety. But my purpose is not to argue semantics. Call it rumination or call it quidditch, mental engagement with the problem is what I am talking about when I talk about rumination. The above definition of rumination excludes: a thought (or vague image) occurring to you; knowing; and noticing. These mental phenomena are not aimed at solving the problem, they are not controllable, and they are not the problem. It’s the mental engagement with these thoughts, the effort to ‘solve’ them, that is the problem. Thus, according to this definition: A thought occurring to you? Not rumination. But trying to figure out what the thought means or whether to believe it or how to make it go away? Rumination. Knowing you have a distressing problem or question? Not rumination. But trying to solve or answer it? Rumination. Noticing something? Not rumination. But monitoring it or directing attention toward it? Rumination. A vague image occurring to you? Not rumination. But visualizing something? Rumination. It is absolutely crucial for therapists and patients to know exactly where the line is between uncontrollable mental processes and controllable ones because OCD is largely a product of trying to control the mental processes you can’t control, while failing to control the ones you can and should control. And helping a patient to make this distinction and to adjust their strategy accordingly is, in my opinion, a foundation of effective treatment. To put this in terms of ERP, it is crucial to accurately distinguish between the obsession and the compulsion. As I’ve said elsewhere, I believe that rumination, as defined above, is the cornerstone of OCD, as well as all other anxiety disorders. I therefore believe that teaching a person to recognize and eliminate rumination is essential to effective treatment. And a prerequisite for this intervention is a definition of rumination that is broad enough to capture all manifestations of this phenomenon. Notes: *More or less anything that would be included in Kahneman’s System 2: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thinking,_Fast_and_Slow **Compulsive ruminators feel as though they can’t stop, but in reality they’re just conflicted. There is indeed a part of them that wants to stop, but there’s another part of them that is trying to solve the problem, and these are mutually exclusive goals.

Are you straight or gay?

Ok The problem is you’re ruminating Do you know what rumination is?

Hey DADO, are you there? I’d love to chat about how you’re getting better by not ruminating. I’m having trouble.

Sorry that was so long!

Hey DADO, how are you doing?

Hi. I know this post was a long time ago, but did you ever manage to learn to stop ruminating ?