- Username
- hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Explore more posts
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I want to tell you my story. When I was younger I had feelings for girls. In fact, one girl in high school I was in love with. We had a fling in college but nothing came of it. I would hook up with girls here and there but I wasn’t a man whore searching for sex each time I went out. I would masterbate almost every night, and do it to the fantasy of girls, but also to the wants and desires of physically looking more like some of my guys friends. Whether it be their body or hair or looks whatever. Then I started to explore gay porn. Fast forward, I tried some sexual stuff with a dude. Fast forward even more I got involved in a relationship with a guy. Throughout the relationship I started to have anxiety. The what if’s swirled around my head. Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I straight and just in this relationship for the sex? Am I one of those people who see the person no the gender? This was constant everyday and my anxiety grew into a full blow attack that last weeks and months. It would ebb and flow. During that time with anxiety, I ended the relationship and wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I thought I had lupus, cancer, diabetes, an autonomic nervous system disorder. I would search online and my anxiety would increase. Finally, after many months of going to the doctor and having a clean bill I gave up on those obsessions ( found the reassurance). But the perseveration of my sexual orientation persisted. Every time I messed around with a dude I would think I caught HIV. The panic would set in and I would obsess over it for weeks until I could take a test. Negative result every time. Reassurance again, but after each time the reassurance wouldn’t last long and I would question the results. Am I really negative? Is my body not making antibodies to produce a positive test? The OCD doubt set in. Eventually I got over that. The next obsession that came with a whoosh of anxiety was when I though I had ALS. Panic set in for months. There was no reassurance there. Couldn’t take a test for it. So, I just accepted the possibility of not knowing. Eventually that went away too. I even forgot about that intrusive thought. After that, it was penis cancer. Then this past spring I had a terrible attack. I have a friend, her and I work together, who is amazing. She is my best friend. We spend a lot of time together. I started to think maybe I should try a relationship with her. The doubt set in. Will it work? What if I am not sexually into her? Does that mean I am gay? What if I am into her and then a few years down the road I feel I am gay and want to be with a guy? What if? What if? What if? Then one night her and I are watching Hustlers with Jennifer Lopez. At this point, my anxiety was really really bad. I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I was on speed all day. I would have to drink heavily in order to relax. There was a scene in the movie where Jennifer Lopez was all dressed up. She looked good. All of a sudden I got a huge wave of anxiety. I asked myself why? I said do I like her makeup? Do I like her hair? Do I think she is sexy? Do I want to wear makeup? Do I want to be a woman? AM I A WOMAN??? Mind you I am the most masculine guy there is. I love my beard. I liked all masculine things. I love my suits. Just I’m an all around guy. Never did anything like this ever cross my mind. In my class, students would often ask my about transgender people and we would discuss it. Never did this trigger anything in me to question my identity. But this past summer, in a state of anxiety, an intrusive thought I had stuck. Typically, I probably would have laughed at the thought in the past, but given that state of mind and with a whoosh of anxiety the thought stuck. It has been months now, and I still have the thought. Now I ask you, what is the common denominator here? The answer is fear. You can see that fear has latched on to whatever it could to stay alive. I never contracted HIV. I don’t have ALS although there is a possibility, I probably won’t develop it. I probably don’t have cancer as something would have shown up in my blood work. I am not transgender. As much as my mind brings the through to the forefront of my stream of conscious thought I know that it is a stuck thought, and I can’t engage with it. It’s like a sore tooth that you irritate with your tongue. Or a scab that you constantly pick. The longer you irritate the tooth to see if it still hurts or pick the scab on your knee, the longer it will take to heal. In closing, and what I am trying to say, is that in all of these scenarios fear latched on to something. Do I know my sexual orientation? No. The doubting disease still makes me perseverate over this, and the fear that surrounds it makes me feel that it is a bad thing. So what do I do? I get comfortable with the uncertainty, and hope that one day things will work out as they should. That one day, the fear would subside and I could try things with my best friend and not fear the possibility of it failing for whatever reason. Fear is the very thing that has caused me pain for the past 7 years. Fear will cripple you. It will make you think the boogeyman is under the bed. When in reality he isn’t.
- Username
- LleonesssLleonesss
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Thank you for sharing this!! You're really strong to have got through this struggle and still going...my best wishes to you!
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Thank you for sharing. That’s hard to go through. How you had sexual experiences with men and dated men, i dont want to do that with woman. I’m not scared too in the way of judgement, but i just don’t want to. It makes me uncomfy and sad.
- Username
- stop.stop.
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I have the same problem as you. My SO OCD is really bad and I don’t want to be with a woman and it scares me for whatever reason, but that fear also fuels my scrupulousity and makes me think “what if I’m just being homophobic and a bad person” I hate it so much. It makes it worse that I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I know a part of me is afraid of people being mean, homophobic, or just unreceptive to me if I ever came out as gay or bi. But there’s more to it I think. I’m afraid of something else and I don’t know what it is and it makes me fear being homophobic again.
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
YES! This i have as well. Horribly too. However i dont fear people’s reactions. I can careless tbh. Everyone i know would be extremely supportive so i know thats not the reason. Right now atm it feels like id be fine dating a girl when last night i was crying. Idk whats up. I just wanna be normal like my friends and attracted to guys so badly :(
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Have you had any sexual experiences with woman?
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
No i dont wanna
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Why does it sound like i like women?? Does this not sound like hocd??
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Does this sound like denial? Please be honest with me
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Fear will drain you if every other emotion. It will take over if you let it. The more you move away from the fear, the bigger it becomes. Think about the boogeyman under the bed: the more you think about him under the bed, the greater the fear that surrounds the possibility of him getting you while you sleep. But what if we move toward the fear? “Hey Boogeyman, I know you are there.” That’s is. Nothing else. The fear begins to loosen.
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 The boogeyman is just a thought. Nothing more.
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 So your saying, face the thought head? I’m just trying to figure out how to get better im so confused
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 But the fear is holding me back. I feel like its true and im just lying to myself. I heard the term feelings are not facts. Thoughts are not facts. Cause ocd messes you up comoletely and tries to make you what you fear. In order to rid that you have to face the fear and strip your fear away.
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 The thought bothers you because it isn’t how you view yourself. The thought fuels the feelings, and then the feelings fuel the thoughts. The thought gets stuck because it bothers you so much. The OCD attempts to protect you from the actual event by repeating it over and over in your head. Think about this: so far in your life how many time has a weird thought popped into your head and you just dismissed it? It probably wasn’t scary and you just disregarded it like all the other thoughts. But this one thought about your sexual orientation scares you. You don’t want it to be you. You know what you want, yet the fear makes you think that it is real. That it is truth about you, just like the fear makes you believe that the boogeyman is actually under the bed.
- Username
- Ihateocd83Ihateocd83
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 Is it fear that makes you think you want the thoughts and feelings ?... i said in my head i feel like there is something within me trying to get out 😞
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 So the fear is blinding us with ocd? These thoughts we have (cause i have another obsession about being a bad person) contorts our image so badly of who we are that we literally can become a version of ourselves we dont know because of the fear induced by this thought? For example, when i begin thinking im a bad person and feeling like a bad person i become more moody and lash out on people. Then i use those example to justify and confirm i am a bad person. Is that kind of what hocd is doing as well? It contorts our image on ourselves?
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Ihateocd83 I think it is the thoughts just being in your head and the fear asscociated with the thoughts makes one think it is truth. Fear will try to make you believe something is true to protect you.
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 Also one thing you said “ocd attempts to protect you from the actual event by repeating it over and over in your head” Are you saying this is protecting me from the reality that i’m gay?
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Is it possible that the lashing out at someone is just a product of the frustration of the tug-of-war with the thoughts in your head?
- Username
- Ihateocd83Ihateocd83
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 I have really bad loss of attraction to women and there gentials is this possible?
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Are you gay?
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 No i dont think so i dont want to be with a woman
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 Does it sound like i am and the thoughts are just protecting me from the truth that I am gay?
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Fear is meant to protect you. Keep you safe. The OCD just repeats that fear.
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 This question is seeking reassurance. We can not do that. It fuels the obsession.
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 That’s just what it sounds like your saying. Like “the fear is making you believe your gay, but the intrusive thoughts are protecting you from the truth that you are” Idk my ocd may be contorting this too
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 Im confused
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 Reassurance provides temporary belief though. Can i at least ask, is this still ocd? Or am i just crazy?
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 I don’t think this is about what is true or what isn’t. It is the fear that surrounds the thought that makes it feel like it is a problem.
- Username
- maestro90maestro90
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Definitely OCD.
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 All i do know is that im just tired rn and i’ve been far too anxious tonight. I need to face the fear head on. I’m scared to do that cause im scared i won’t be straight after. But you know what, i’ve liked boys and seen them as romantic partners since i was five. Even when i know what being gay was by 7 and asked if i was at 11, i still had crushes on boys. Till this day I’ve never wanted to be with any girl in my life. I never saw them as romantic partners as a child. When we got close, i called them my sisters as i never had one and wanted one. Never chased them around on the playground and called them cute like i did with boys. Wanting to be with a girl and being scared of wanting to be with one is two different things. And ive wanted to be with a guy before, so i know the difference. That’s a pretty good, reassuring foot to step on towards this monster.
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Now my ocd is trying to put false memories in my head LOVELY 🙃
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@maestro90 What you said earlier: I think i know myself and that’s why this is scary. Are you saying I don’t? What do i even have if i can’t even trust myself and my feelings and thoughts and wants. This is confusing me so badly i can’t do it anymore:(
- Username
- Ihateocd83Ihateocd83
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I feel exactly the same you are not alone .....
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I hate life sm rn
- Username
- LleonesssLleonesss
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I'm in the same boat...I'm so so scared of becoming my thoughts or being so deep in denial that I don't even know my true self...I relate to everything you've said
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
You feel how i feel?!?!? I thought i was the only one whose this bad
- Username
- LleonesssLleonesss
- Date posted
- 3y ago
No not at all.... everything you've said I've been freaking out about it and coincidentally today...it's like suddenly I find men extremely gross and I hate that fact
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Omg so you relate with everything i said? Like down to the core?? Im sorry i just felt like i was going crazy all day and didnt know if this was hocd still and had the biggest anxiety attack only moments ago. Its good to know im not alone
- Username
- LleonesssLleonesss
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Yes I did relate to it ...like A LOT...my mind is literally a mess and I want something but my body and mind says the opposite and I'm so so done with this shit ....I can't take it anymore
- Username
- hate_ocd.123hate_ocd.123
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Lleonesss Ahhh im sorry you’re going through that, but its so good to know im not going crazy. I feel the exact same way and i hate it. Its one of the worse things i’ve ever been through. Does your mind also question like “why do people even find men attractive?”
- Username
- Ihateocd83Ihateocd83
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Does your ocd make you feel like you want to be man/woman ? And its what you want ?... makes me think like im in denial 😞
- Username
- LleonesssLleonesss
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@hate_ocd.123 Yes at times ...it's like it says what is there to like about men .. they're boring or gross...look at women they're all beautiful...I hate this
Related posts
- Username
- Lavander
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I'm so hopeless. I have no one to talk about this, so I come here to vent about everything that has been on my mind, haunting me daily. Since I was a little girl, I've dreamt about my prince charming. I grew up with this in mind, but I never got in a relationship, as I've kept my heart shut, as I've dealt with melancholy and social anxiety. People scared me, and I wanted to make things right (on the way I saw fit for myself). Things got better, I grew up, made some friends. And then, on January, hocd came and changed everything. The fact that I watch same sex porn, and that I have never been in a relationship messed me up so bad. And amongst many thoughts, many what ifs, so much uncertainty, one thing is rock solid. I don't see myself with a woman, it doesn't feel right. Even the idea of being bisexual feels foreign for me. I have nothing against people who are LGBT, but that's not who I've always seen myself. And suddenly, that's all I can think of. Nothing else matters, I feel uncaring and cold. I feel like I'll never find a guy that I love, that im just now finding out that I'm LGBT even if I don't want that. I feel awful, and everyday I think about dying. If this thought crossed my mind before, I'd be so appalled by it, but today I'm pretty serious about it. Hocd is killing me little by little, and I'm crying as I write this. My mind tells me I'm in denial, that I'm just afraid of people's reactions, and that once I accept it, I'll be alright. But I don't want that, I simply don't. My mind doesn't work properly, I can't remember how I used to think before all this, but I remember having dreams, imagining scenarios of my "prince charming", of a future that made me cozy and happy. All that's in my mind now is torturous doubt, that feels so real.
- Username
- helloworld287
- Date posted
- 5y ago
my HOCD has been SO awful today. before this all started, i dated boys and loved getting attention from them and being with them. i never really payed attention to girls and never had any feelings towards any. now i can’t stop thinking about being in a gay relationship and it won’t leave my mind. whenever i go anywhere i stare at every girl and if they are even a little pretty i automatically imagine sexual scenarios in my head with them that i HATE. i don’t want to like them and i have been dealing with this for three months now and it’s been an utter nightmare. i don’t want to be gay. i never want to be gay. i just want to go back to how i was before. i can’t sleep anymore, go in public and i have even lost all of my appetite to eat so i’ve been losing weight. someone please help. i want this to be over.
- Username
- Idk
- Date posted
- 5y ago
I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.
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