hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

I look at straight couples and cry cause i will never be able to have that. The thought of being happy with another girl makes me sad, and i feel bad that it makes me sad cause then it feeds my horrible person ocd and makes me feel homophobic cause nothings wrong with it but i dont want to be with a girl and dont want to be lesbian cause i dont want girls or dont want to desire them. And the thought of never being happy with a boy makes it even worse. Then im scared i’m actually okay with that thought. I always dreamt of being with a boy and now i can’t even fantasize about kissing and cuddling. Cause suddenly i feel like kissing a boy is gross and cuddling i feel nothing. AND I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I JUST WANNA BE ABLE TO BE WITH A GUY AND FEEL ATTRACTED TO THEM. And i dont know why i want it so bad but i do. I want it so bad but i cant have it. I just can’t handle this anymore. The fear, the stress, the not knowing, the confusion. My mind at war. Feeling as if my mind and body are at war. My body responds to something and my mind hates it and freaks out and doesnt want it. Hocd is a fucking demon and i feel like jumping off a cliff rn. Anything would be better than this, anything.

Sexual Orientation OCD

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

I want to tell you my story. When I was younger I had feelings for girls. In fact, one girl in high school I was in love with. We had a fling in college but nothing came of it. I would hook up with girls here and there but I wasn’t a man whore searching for sex each time I went out. I would masterbate almost every night, and do it to the fantasy of girls, but also to the wants and desires of physically looking more like some of my guys friends. Whether it be their body or hair or looks whatever. Then I started to explore gay porn. Fast forward, I tried some sexual stuff with a dude. Fast forward even more I got involved in a relationship with a guy. Throughout the relationship I started to have anxiety. The what if’s swirled around my head. Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I straight and just in this relationship for the sex? Am I one of those people who see the person no the gender? This was constant everyday and my anxiety grew into a full blow attack that last weeks and months. It would ebb and flow. During that time with anxiety, I ended the relationship and wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I thought I had lupus, cancer, diabetes, an autonomic nervous system disorder. I would search online and my anxiety would increase. Finally, after many months of going to the doctor and having a clean bill I gave up on those obsessions ( found the reassurance). But the perseveration of my sexual orientation persisted. Every time I messed around with a dude I would think I caught HIV. The panic would set in and I would obsess over it for weeks until I could take a test. Negative result every time. Reassurance again, but after each time the reassurance wouldn’t last long and I would question the results. Am I really negative? Is my body not making antibodies to produce a positive test? The OCD doubt set in. Eventually I got over that. The next obsession that came with a whoosh of anxiety was when I though I had ALS. Panic set in for months. There was no reassurance there. Couldn’t take a test for it. So, I just accepted the possibility of not knowing. Eventually that went away too. I even forgot about that intrusive thought. After that, it was penis cancer. Then this past spring I had a terrible attack. I have a friend, her and I work together, who is amazing. She is my best friend. We spend a lot of time together. I started to think maybe I should try a relationship with her. The doubt set in. Will it work? What if I am not sexually into her? Does that mean I am gay? What if I am into her and then a few years down the road I feel I am gay and want to be with a guy? What if? What if? What if? Then one night her and I are watching Hustlers with Jennifer Lopez. At this point, my anxiety was really really bad. I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I was on speed all day. I would have to drink heavily in order to relax. There was a scene in the movie where Jennifer Lopez was all dressed up. She looked good. All of a sudden I got a huge wave of anxiety. I asked myself why? I said do I like her makeup? Do I like her hair? Do I think she is sexy? Do I want to wear makeup? Do I want to be a woman? AM I A WOMAN??? Mind you I am the most masculine guy there is. I love my beard. I liked all masculine things. I love my suits. Just I’m an all around guy. Never did anything like this ever cross my mind. In my class, students would often ask my about transgender people and we would discuss it. Never did this trigger anything in me to question my identity. But this past summer, in a state of anxiety, an intrusive thought I had stuck. Typically, I probably would have laughed at the thought in the past, but given that state of mind and with a whoosh of anxiety the thought stuck. It has been months now, and I still have the thought. Now I ask you, what is the common denominator here? The answer is fear. You can see that fear has latched on to whatever it could to stay alive. I never contracted HIV. I don’t have ALS although there is a possibility, I probably won’t develop it. I probably don’t have cancer as something would have shown up in my blood work. I am not transgender. As much as my mind brings the through to the forefront of my stream of conscious thought I know that it is a stuck thought, and I can’t engage with it. It’s like a sore tooth that you irritate with your tongue. Or a scab that you constantly pick. The longer you irritate the tooth to see if it still hurts or pick the scab on your knee, the longer it will take to heal. In closing, and what I am trying to say, is that in all of these scenarios fear latched on to something. Do I know my sexual orientation? No. The doubting disease still makes me perseverate over this, and the fear that surrounds it makes me feel that it is a bad thing. So what do I do? I get comfortable with the uncertainty, and hope that one day things will work out as they should. That one day, the fear would subside and I could try things with my best friend and not fear the possibility of it failing for whatever reason. Fear is the very thing that has caused me pain for the past 7 years. Fear will cripple you. It will make you think the boogeyman is under the bed. When in reality he isn’t.

Lleonesss

Date posted: 4y ago

Thank you for sharing this!! You're really strong to have got through this struggle and still going...my best wishes to you!

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

Thank you for sharing. That’s hard to go through. How you had sexual experiences with men and dated men, i dont want to do that with woman. I’m not scared too in the way of judgement, but i just don’t want to. It makes me uncomfy and sad.

stop.

Date posted: 4y ago

I have the same problem as you. My SO OCD is really bad and I don’t want to be with a woman and it scares me for whatever reason, but that fear also fuels my scrupulousity and makes me think “what if I’m just being homophobic and a bad person” I hate it so much. It makes it worse that I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I know a part of me is afraid of people being mean, homophobic, or just unreceptive to me if I ever came out as gay or bi. But there’s more to it I think. I’m afraid of something else and I don’t know what it is and it makes me fear being homophobic again.

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

YES! This i have as well. Horribly too. However i dont fear people’s reactions. I can careless tbh. Everyone i know would be extremely supportive so i know thats not the reason. Right now atm it feels like id be fine dating a girl when last night i was crying. Idk whats up. I just wanna be normal like my friends and attracted to guys so badly :(

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

Have you had any sexual experiences with woman?

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

No i dont wanna

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

Why does it sound like i like women?? Does this not sound like hocd??

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

Does this sound like denial? Please be honest with me

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Fear will drain you if every other emotion. It will take over if you let it. The more you move away from the fear, the bigger it becomes. Think about the boogeyman under the bed: the more you think about him under the bed, the greater the fear that surrounds the possibility of him getting you while you sleep. But what if we move toward the fear? “Hey Boogeyman, I know you are there.” That’s is. Nothing else. The fear begins to loosen.

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 The boogeyman is just a thought. Nothing more.

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 So your saying, face the thought head? I’m just trying to figure out how to get better im so confused

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 But the fear is holding me back. I feel like its true and im just lying to myself. I heard the term feelings are not facts. Thoughts are not facts. Cause ocd messes you up comoletely and tries to make you what you fear. In order to rid that you have to face the fear and strip your fear away.

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 The thought bothers you because it isn’t how you view yourself. The thought fuels the feelings, and then the feelings fuel the thoughts. The thought gets stuck because it bothers you so much. The OCD attempts to protect you from the actual event by repeating it over and over in your head. Think about this: so far in your life how many time has a weird thought popped into your head and you just dismissed it? It probably wasn’t scary and you just disregarded it like all the other thoughts. But this one thought about your sexual orientation scares you. You don’t want it to be you. You know what you want, yet the fear makes you think that it is real. That it is truth about you, just like the fear makes you believe that the boogeyman is actually under the bed.

Ihateocd83

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 Is it fear that makes you think you want the thoughts and feelings ?... i said in my head i feel like there is something within me trying to get out 😞

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/unwanted-intrusive-thoughts

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 So the fear is blinding us with ocd? These thoughts we have (cause i have another obsession about being a bad person) contorts our image so badly of who we are that we literally can become a version of ourselves we dont know because of the fear induced by this thought? For example, when i begin thinking im a bad person and feeling like a bad person i become more moody and lash out on people. Then i use those example to justify and confirm i am a bad person. Is that kind of what hocd is doing as well? It contorts our image on ourselves?

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@Ihateocd83 I think it is the thoughts just being in your head and the fear asscociated with the thoughts makes one think it is truth. Fear will try to make you believe something is true to protect you.

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 Also one thing you said “ocd attempts to protect you from the actual event by repeating it over and over in your head” Are you saying this is protecting me from the reality that i’m gay?

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Is it possible that the lashing out at someone is just a product of the frustration of the tug-of-war with the thoughts in your head?

Ihateocd83

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 I have really bad loss of attraction to women and there gentials is this possible?

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Are you gay?

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 No i dont think so i dont want to be with a woman

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 Does it sound like i am and the thoughts are just protecting me from the truth that I am gay?

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Fear is meant to protect you. Keep you safe. The OCD just repeats that fear.

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 This question is seeking reassurance. We can not do that. It fuels the obsession.

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 That’s just what it sounds like your saying. Like “the fear is making you believe your gay, but the intrusive thoughts are protecting you from the truth that you are” Idk my ocd may be contorting this too

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 Im confused

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 Reassurance provides temporary belief though. Can i at least ask, is this still ocd? Or am i just crazy?

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 I don’t think this is about what is true or what isn’t. It is the fear that surrounds the thought that makes it feel like it is a problem.

maestro90

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Definitely OCD.

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 All i do know is that im just tired rn and i’ve been far too anxious tonight. I need to face the fear head on. I’m scared to do that cause im scared i won’t be straight after. But you know what, i’ve liked boys and seen them as romantic partners since i was five. Even when i know what being gay was by 7 and asked if i was at 11, i still had crushes on boys. Till this day I’ve never wanted to be with any girl in my life. I never saw them as romantic partners as a child. When we got close, i called them my sisters as i never had one and wanted one. Never chased them around on the playground and called them cute like i did with boys. Wanting to be with a girl and being scared of wanting to be with one is two different things. And ive wanted to be with a guy before, so i know the difference. That’s a pretty good, reassuring foot to step on towards this monster.

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Now my ocd is trying to put false memories in my head LOVELY 🙃

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@maestro90 What you said earlier: I think i know myself and that’s why this is scary. Are you saying I don’t? What do i even have if i can’t even trust myself and my feelings and thoughts and wants. This is confusing me so badly i can’t do it anymore:(

Ihateocd83

Date posted: 4y ago

I feel exactly the same you are not alone .....

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

I hate life sm rn

Lleonesss

Date posted: 4y ago

I'm in the same boat...I'm so so scared of becoming my thoughts or being so deep in denial that I don't even know my true self...I relate to everything you've said

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

You feel how i feel?!?!? I thought i was the only one whose this bad

Lleonesss

Date posted: 4y ago

No not at all.... everything you've said I've been freaking out about it and coincidentally today...it's like suddenly I find men extremely gross and I hate that fact

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

Omg so you relate with everything i said? Like down to the core?? Im sorry i just felt like i was going crazy all day and didnt know if this was hocd still and had the biggest anxiety attack only moments ago. Its good to know im not alone

Lleonesss

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Yes I did relate to it ...like A LOT...my mind is literally a mess and I want something but my body and mind says the opposite and I'm so so done with this shit ....I can't take it anymore

hate_ocd.123

Date posted: 4y ago

@Lleonesss Ahhh im sorry you’re going through that, but its so good to know im not going crazy. I feel the exact same way and i hate it. Its one of the worse things i’ve ever been through. Does your mind also question like “why do people even find men attractive?”

Ihateocd83

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Does your ocd make you feel like you want to be man/woman ? And its what you want ?... makes me think like im in denial 😞

Lleonesss

Date posted: 4y ago

@hate_ocd.123 Yes at times ...it's like it says what is there to like about men .. they're boring or gross...look at women they're all beautiful...I hate this

allyocd

Date posted: 16w ago

Idk if I can do this anymore

It feels like I’m lying to myself constantly and everyone. There feels like there is a weight on my heart from the moment I wake up till I go to sleep. I don’t want to be gay. Idk why it doesn’t register. Now everyone I see I have to see if I’m attracted to them. I see good looking men and I feel like I’m lying to myself that they are good looking, I see women and I see if im attracted to them. I look at everyone and I feel jealous. I want my fucking life back. But now my OCD (if this is even OCD) is telling me I was never happy and I was always suppressing my feelings of being gay. Why is this happening? Can OCD do this? I can’t enjoy anything ever.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Elliesmith

Date posted: 10w ago

Is this a symptom of soocd

I’m 25 and never ever thought this before my soocd relapse. I have a bf of 5 years. Never been a high libido kinda girl. Don’t get me wrong I do get turned on by my bf but not like every day you know? - That had always been in the back of my head, is this normal and ok? But my ocd has latched onto the most scariest what if EVER. My brain is now saying How do you know you won’t prefer to sleep and kiss girls if you haven’t tried it: and it’s that unknown that is scaring the shit out of me. I DONT AND NEVER HAVE wanted to sleep / kiss a girl. But now my intrusive thoughts is all I think about!!! I don’t want I don’t want I don’t want??? So why does my brain think BUT WHAT IF??? I know ocd thrives off uncertainty which is why I think this is happening? But I don’t wanna find out or work it out because all I want is to be with my bf and marry him!! Is this just the epitome of OCD?

Mt2019

Date posted: 9w ago

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

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