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I want to tell you my story. When I was younger I had feelings for girls. In fact, one girl in high school I was in love with. We had a fling in college but nothing came of it. I would hook up with girls here and there but I wasn’t a man whore searching for sex each time I went out. I would masterbate almost every night, and do it to the fantasy of girls, but also to the wants and desires of physically looking more like some of my guys friends. Whether it be their body or hair or looks whatever. Then I started to explore gay porn. Fast forward, I tried some sexual stuff with a dude. Fast forward even more I got involved in a relationship with a guy. Throughout the relationship I started to have anxiety. The what if’s swirled around my head. Am I gay? Am I bi? Am I straight and just in this relationship for the sex? Am I one of those people who see the person no the gender? This was constant everyday and my anxiety grew into a full blow attack that last weeks and months. It would ebb and flow. During that time with anxiety, I ended the relationship and wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I thought I had lupus, cancer, diabetes, an autonomic nervous system disorder. I would search online and my anxiety would increase. Finally, after many months of going to the doctor and having a clean bill I gave up on those obsessions ( found the reassurance). But the perseveration of my sexual orientation persisted. Every time I messed around with a dude I would think I caught HIV. The panic would set in and I would obsess over it for weeks until I could take a test. Negative result every time. Reassurance again, but after each time the reassurance wouldn’t last long and I would question the results. Am I really negative? Is my body not making antibodies to produce a positive test? The OCD doubt set in. Eventually I got over that. The next obsession that came with a whoosh of anxiety was when I though I had ALS. Panic set in for months. There was no reassurance there. Couldn’t take a test for it. So, I just accepted the possibility of not knowing. Eventually that went away too. I even forgot about that intrusive thought. After that, it was penis cancer. Then this past spring I had a terrible attack. I have a friend, her and I work together, who is amazing. She is my best friend. We spend a lot of time together. I started to think maybe I should try a relationship with her. The doubt set in. Will it work? What if I am not sexually into her? Does that mean I am gay? What if I am into her and then a few years down the road I feel I am gay and want to be with a guy? What if? What if? What if? Then one night her and I are watching Hustlers with Jennifer Lopez. At this point, my anxiety was really really bad. I couldn’t sleep. I felt like I was on speed all day. I would have to drink heavily in order to relax. There was a scene in the movie where Jennifer Lopez was all dressed up. She looked good. All of a sudden I got a huge wave of anxiety. I asked myself why? I said do I like her makeup? Do I like her hair? Do I think she is sexy? Do I want to wear makeup? Do I want to be a woman? AM I A WOMAN??? Mind you I am the most masculine guy there is. I love my beard. I liked all masculine things. I love my suits. Just I’m an all around guy. Never did anything like this ever cross my mind. In my class, students would often ask my about transgender people and we would discuss it. Never did this trigger anything in me to question my identity. But this past summer, in a state of anxiety, an intrusive thought I had stuck. Typically, I probably would have laughed at the thought in the past, but given that state of mind and with a whoosh of anxiety the thought stuck. It has been months now, and I still have the thought. Now I ask you, what is the common denominator here? The answer is fear. You can see that fear has latched on to whatever it could to stay alive. I never contracted HIV. I don’t have ALS although there is a possibility, I probably won’t develop it. I probably don’t have cancer as something would have shown up in my blood work. I am not transgender. As much as my mind brings the through to the forefront of my stream of conscious thought I know that it is a stuck thought, and I can’t engage with it. It’s like a sore tooth that you irritate with your tongue. Or a scab that you constantly pick. The longer you irritate the tooth to see if it still hurts or pick the scab on your knee, the longer it will take to heal. In closing, and what I am trying to say, is that in all of these scenarios fear latched on to something. Do I know my sexual orientation? No. The doubting disease still makes me perseverate over this, and the fear that surrounds it makes me feel that it is a bad thing. So what do I do? I get comfortable with the uncertainty, and hope that one day things will work out as they should. That one day, the fear would subside and I could try things with my best friend and not fear the possibility of it failing for whatever reason. Fear is the very thing that has caused me pain for the past 7 years. Fear will cripple you. It will make you think the boogeyman is under the bed. When in reality he isn’t.
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Thank you for sharing this!! You're really strong to have got through this struggle and still going...my best wishes to you!
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Thank you for sharing. That’s hard to go through. How you had sexual experiences with men and dated men, i dont want to do that with woman. I’m not scared too in the way of judgement, but i just don’t want to. It makes me uncomfy and sad.
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I have the same problem as you. My SO OCD is really bad and I don’t want to be with a woman and it scares me for whatever reason, but that fear also fuels my scrupulousity and makes me think “what if I’m just being homophobic and a bad person” I hate it so much. It makes it worse that I don’t know what I’m afraid of. I know a part of me is afraid of people being mean, homophobic, or just unreceptive to me if I ever came out as gay or bi. But there’s more to it I think. I’m afraid of something else and I don’t know what it is and it makes me fear being homophobic again.
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YES! This i have as well. Horribly too. However i dont fear people’s reactions. I can careless tbh. Everyone i know would be extremely supportive so i know thats not the reason. Right now atm it feels like id be fine dating a girl when last night i was crying. Idk whats up. I just wanna be normal like my friends and attracted to guys so badly :(
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Have you had any sexual experiences with woman?
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No i dont wanna
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Why does it sound like i like women?? Does this not sound like hocd??
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Does this sound like denial? Please be honest with me
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@hate_ocd.123 Fear will drain you if every other emotion. It will take over if you let it. The more you move away from the fear, the bigger it becomes. Think about the boogeyman under the bed: the more you think about him under the bed, the greater the fear that surrounds the possibility of him getting you while you sleep. But what if we move toward the fear? “Hey Boogeyman, I know you are there.” That’s is. Nothing else. The fear begins to loosen.
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@maestro90 The boogeyman is just a thought. Nothing more.
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@maestro90 So your saying, face the thought head? I’m just trying to figure out how to get better im so confused
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@maestro90 But the fear is holding me back. I feel like its true and im just lying to myself. I heard the term feelings are not facts. Thoughts are not facts. Cause ocd messes you up comoletely and tries to make you what you fear. In order to rid that you have to face the fear and strip your fear away.
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@hate_ocd.123 The thought bothers you because it isn’t how you view yourself. The thought fuels the feelings, and then the feelings fuel the thoughts. The thought gets stuck because it bothers you so much. The OCD attempts to protect you from the actual event by repeating it over and over in your head. Think about this: so far in your life how many time has a weird thought popped into your head and you just dismissed it? It probably wasn’t scary and you just disregarded it like all the other thoughts. But this one thought about your sexual orientation scares you. You don’t want it to be you. You know what you want, yet the fear makes you think that it is real. That it is truth about you, just like the fear makes you believe that the boogeyman is actually under the bed.
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@maestro90 Is it fear that makes you think you want the thoughts and feelings ?... i said in my head i feel like there is something within me trying to get out 😞
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@maestro90 So the fear is blinding us with ocd? These thoughts we have (cause i have another obsession about being a bad person) contorts our image so badly of who we are that we literally can become a version of ourselves we dont know because of the fear induced by this thought? For example, when i begin thinking im a bad person and feeling like a bad person i become more moody and lash out on people. Then i use those example to justify and confirm i am a bad person. Is that kind of what hocd is doing as well? It contorts our image on ourselves?
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@Ihateocd83 I think it is the thoughts just being in your head and the fear asscociated with the thoughts makes one think it is truth. Fear will try to make you believe something is true to protect you.
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@maestro90 Also one thing you said “ocd attempts to protect you from the actual event by repeating it over and over in your head” Are you saying this is protecting me from the reality that i’m gay?
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@hate_ocd.123 Is it possible that the lashing out at someone is just a product of the frustration of the tug-of-war with the thoughts in your head?
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@maestro90 I have really bad loss of attraction to women and there gentials is this possible?
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@hate_ocd.123 Are you gay?
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@maestro90 No i dont think so i dont want to be with a woman
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@maestro90 Does it sound like i am and the thoughts are just protecting me from the truth that I am gay?
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@hate_ocd.123 Fear is meant to protect you. Keep you safe. The OCD just repeats that fear.
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@hate_ocd.123 This question is seeking reassurance. We can not do that. It fuels the obsession.
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@maestro90 That’s just what it sounds like your saying. Like “the fear is making you believe your gay, but the intrusive thoughts are protecting you from the truth that you are” Idk my ocd may be contorting this too
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@maestro90 Im confused
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@maestro90 Reassurance provides temporary belief though. Can i at least ask, is this still ocd? Or am i just crazy?
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@hate_ocd.123 I don’t think this is about what is true or what isn’t. It is the fear that surrounds the thought that makes it feel like it is a problem.
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@hate_ocd.123 Definitely OCD.
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@maestro90 All i do know is that im just tired rn and i’ve been far too anxious tonight. I need to face the fear head on. I’m scared to do that cause im scared i won’t be straight after. But you know what, i’ve liked boys and seen them as romantic partners since i was five. Even when i know what being gay was by 7 and asked if i was at 11, i still had crushes on boys. Till this day I’ve never wanted to be with any girl in my life. I never saw them as romantic partners as a child. When we got close, i called them my sisters as i never had one and wanted one. Never chased them around on the playground and called them cute like i did with boys. Wanting to be with a girl and being scared of wanting to be with one is two different things. And ive wanted to be with a guy before, so i know the difference. That’s a pretty good, reassuring foot to step on towards this monster.
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@hate_ocd.123 Now my ocd is trying to put false memories in my head LOVELY 🙃
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@maestro90 What you said earlier: I think i know myself and that’s why this is scary. Are you saying I don’t? What do i even have if i can’t even trust myself and my feelings and thoughts and wants. This is confusing me so badly i can’t do it anymore:(
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I feel exactly the same you are not alone .....
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I hate life sm rn
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I'm in the same boat...I'm so so scared of becoming my thoughts or being so deep in denial that I don't even know my true self...I relate to everything you've said
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You feel how i feel?!?!? I thought i was the only one whose this bad
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No not at all.... everything you've said I've been freaking out about it and coincidentally today...it's like suddenly I find men extremely gross and I hate that fact
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Omg so you relate with everything i said? Like down to the core?? Im sorry i just felt like i was going crazy all day and didnt know if this was hocd still and had the biggest anxiety attack only moments ago. Its good to know im not alone
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@hate_ocd.123 Yes I did relate to it ...like A LOT...my mind is literally a mess and I want something but my body and mind says the opposite and I'm so so done with this shit ....I can't take it anymore
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@Lleonesss Ahhh im sorry you’re going through that, but its so good to know im not going crazy. I feel the exact same way and i hate it. Its one of the worse things i’ve ever been through. Does your mind also question like “why do people even find men attractive?”
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@hate_ocd.123 Does your ocd make you feel like you want to be man/woman ? And its what you want ?... makes me think like im in denial 😞
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@hate_ocd.123 Yes at times ...it's like it says what is there to like about men .. they're boring or gross...look at women they're all beautiful...I hate this
Related posts
- Date posted
- 23w
hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd
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- 16w
Hi,im a fourteen years old girl. I live in a homophobic country,and i dont have any experience. I grew up and became homophobic just like my family and my religion.but in 13 year old.i was questioning why lgptq is illegal?while they are just being them and can’t select what they are? So..i became an agnostic or atheist by secret.oh,by addition,before i became atheist i was making sure i don’t like women,like looking at women pics and imagine some romantic or sexual senarios just to find out,(and i wasnt feel anything and didnt like them),and i was happy and comfort for being straight (i was liking fictional men and some actors,within experience except an online male friend i liked but we didn’t date).but after being atheist,its like fire,i start developing HOCD,im not officially have that because I can’t have a therapist,but i have the Symptoms 100%. I didnt know whats hocd ,i find out whats it before a month.when i was struggling with it like 7 months,so,i think it started when i was in very close friendship with a girl in school,i was confused.if i liked her or not,i was imagining,questioning,making scenarios,but i couldnt have an answer,but then i was comfort to keep it just friendship.when the questions about her go,i can see her normally as a friend and i dont think of her or text her every day and it sometimes reaches months in summer holidays and its normally to me,no romantic acts about her,but then i had a new friend to the group and i had the same thoughts and questions to her.and now my brain questioning if i like them both😢.ok.this gone.this is before year,before being atheist.after being.i was questioning “do i like women?” Or when i see a fictional woman,i start to look at her and questioning myself and try to catch any feeling,i swear i would accept myself to be gay or bisexual,but i just can’t feel or accept that..i feel like burn.i cried and cried.it somedays turns so hard that I can’t even study or live normally.i also started to lose my attraction to men.i feel like its gone,I can’t now imagine being a man without getting uncomfortable,i miss the days when i was enjoying imagining kissing and sexing with a man.but,hocd,always reminds me i have no experience,and its all imaginary,so I don’t have a real clue from beginning that im straight.and i also read an girl experience with hocd and she became a lesbian at the end,i get so scary.it feels so real.i just wanna cry forever.im afraid that i will like a girl in the future,it chock me and burns.i hate this feeling.to thr god i dont know or believe in,please,if i like women,just let me feel it normally without this fear and hurting.i dont want to be gay.i dont want to like women.i dont want to be bisexual or lesbian.but if being any of those but comfort without this feeling that makes me wanna suicide.i would accept,please.just please,i even can’t get a therapist,even online,i just want help.please.i dont want to be like those girls that find out they liked women all the time,im scared,i miss my old feelings and trusting.i hate this.i just want to die if its mean hocd to go.i feel like its so real and i will love a girl no way in hell future.i even feel its not wrong to like women,like its much better and more soft that men,but i just can’t.I can’t.i dont know,i did everything.i gave myself permission to find out or explore my attraction to the both genders but it hurts me more.i dont want to get hurts again anymore.just remembering i have no experience or clue i like men even if in past felt like i would like and date a man and liven with him,i keep reminding its all was Based on imagination…even if i was wishing to love a man,hocd ruined this peaceful feeling,i was really find peaceful of loving a man.but now,i don’t feel like before,and this scares me,i don’t know what to do.I can’t have a therapist,and dont even know how to get better,,,
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- 16w
I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for over a year now, and I have been having a very hard day today. I feel like I just need someone to talk too, my whole life I’ve always had girl crushes and always wanted to be romantic with women . Ever since I posted this picture on instagram and one person said I looked “zesty” in it , which is when I started obsessing about being gay . I feel like I put so much meaning to these thoughts where now I’m always checking how I feeling around men. I had a really bad porn addiction for a long time and bad anxiety which fucked up my sex drive. I feel like I doubt if I’m attracted to women when I know I am , but the doubt is so overbearing where I start to believe it . I never was interested in men sexually, and my ocd makes me feel like I like the thoughts even though I feel no pleasure out of it. I feel like I lost who I am as a person . It feels like I don’t even know what my sexuality is and it’s really upsetting to me . I meant this girl the other day and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I just feel like ocd is getting in the way😭😭😭 please any advice or comments
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