Feeling like a burden to my family today. I’ve been speaking to them about possibly leaving my current cbt therapist to start therapy with nocd, however they seem very frustrated with me for wanting to switch therapists and for not being all happy and bubbly all the time. We don’t have much money so therapy is a big decision for us, I can tell my family and my friends are getting fed up of me :(

I don’t know if it’s worth it to keep going. I have so many diagnoses, so little support, and constant struggles with finding the right medication. My immune system is weak, I have multiple deficiencies, and I’m dealing with so many physical health problems on top of severe OCD. It’s just too much. On top of everything, my family treats me so not okay. Every single day is a fight just to keep going—to wake up, to eat, to take care of myself even a little. I’ve lost over ten pounds in the last two weeks from how depressed I’ve been. And instead of support, all I get is blame. My family constantly throws my struggles in my face, calling me selfish, as if I’m choosing this. I am trying so hard to push past all of this. But after five long months of severe OCD, anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and everything else making life unbearable, I am exhausted. And to be called lazy? Selfish? *Worthless*? How am I supposed to keep going when the people around me refuse to see how hard I’m trying? I don’t want this anymore. None of this suffering feels worth it. What am I fighting for just to be treated this way by my own family? To be yelled at for the look on my face, when my face reflects nothing but the stress, panic, and despair I’m drowning in? Am I still supposed to smile for them? This isn’t fair. No one should have to live like this. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, I’m really trying to keep going, but I just want everything to end.

I'm going through a rough time. I used to think medication would brighten my world, but if anything, it's muted it. The physical anxiety is less, and I felt okay(ish) for a while, but things are getting bad again. I'm so afraid I'll never get to a point where I feel safe in my body and in my mind. Today is the first day I've cried in... I don't know how long. But I didn't feel the relief I thought I would. Initially, I did, but it morphed into dread, and now I'm sitting by myself, trying not to panic. I really want to begin seeing a therapist for OCD, but I don't know how much my insurance covers. There's just so much on my mind right now. A whole bunch of old themes are resurfacing. I wish I could've been given a different path in life. I'm trying to stay strong. It's just really difficult. I feel like I'm being sent back to square one :(

I just feel like therapy isn’t working… like I get to talk about myself and understand myself… but I’m already incredibly self aware. My therapist thought I was like 5 years older than I am… and she gives me such basic strategies that do absolutely nothing for me. And a psychiatrist prescribed me with Zoloft… but I don’t know if T want to take medication. I’m scared of side effects… and I’m scared of getting better… I’m scared of letting my guard down. I know it will make me less cautious which makes me less likely to push myself to perfection like I currently do, which I can’t have happen. Every time I talk to my mom about it, she’s always like “Let’s talk about this some other time, I’m busy with other things”, and then never remembers. But in the rare moments we do talk about it, she treats it like I’m signing up to be a drug addict. I also feel very guilty for spending so much of my parents’ money- therapy… medication… etc… and also the idea of my being unlovable is so deeply engraved in my brain… I genuinely, truly believe it. No therapy or medication can fix it. I can’t change my mind. My therapist tells me my misophonia is not a “deal-breaker” and that someone would be lucky to have me as a partner… but then why hasn’t anyone ever liked me? My own FAMILY can’t stand me. How do I believe something I know isn’t true? That’s even harder to accept than me being unlovable. I can’t see someone loving me. And it is so incredibly exhausting to seek love,e I know I cannot have. My sister says, “It will get better with age…” It has only ever gotten worse. To the point I don’t want to get better. It has reached the severity where I feel more safe and successful with anxiety. My past 3 birthdays have been me wishing for therapy. And now I have therpay- and medication, the potential key… and I refuse? Am I too deep in? I cant get out, it’s too late. How did absolutely no one notice how much I had and have been hurting? Why did no one listen to my cries or worries? I feel really depressed and hopeless right now. It takes so much effort to get up every day… I’m so tired.