Trigger Warning My theme that I struggle with most is that I am developing schizophrenia. I wanted to share this anecdote with everyone in case someone is dealing with family/friends who do not understand what it is like to have OCD. One of the most effective ways for me to manage my OCD is to use humor to deal with it. Often times I will make jokes about it and recently a family member said, “you like having OCD, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t talk about it so much”. What he does not understand is that on the days I am able to laugh at my OCD I am so grateful because on other days all I want to do is lay in bed and worry about having schizophrenia. I didn’t know how to reply to that in the moment, but I want to say to him now is that the reason I make jokes about it is because some days it feels so real and I spend my day: Keeping track of every car in the rear view mirror to make sure that they are actually there and not hallucinations. Plugging my ears with my fingers to make sure that I am not hearing voices. Telling myself that if I have to carry a tray without dropping it to prove I do not have schizophrenia. Going over in my mind overtime I misspeak to try and figure out if it was just a mistake or if it was because I was going crazy and was speaking nonsense. Being very careful while typing because if I make a mistake it might mean I have schizophrenia. Lying in bed until five in the morning reading about schizophrenia. Thinking that if I can’t fall asleep by a certain time it means that my sleep schedule is being affected by schizophrenia. Trying to not look at any buildings where a person with schizophrenia may be treated. Constantly checking my emotions to see if I have them or if I lost them because I might have schizophrenia. Frantically searching for a sound that I heard to make sure it wasn’t a hallucination. Searching for something I may have seen out of the corner of my eye because it might have been a hallucination. Thinking that every time I have an itch it’s actually a tactile hallucination Spending hours thinking about wanting to die if I was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Putting my ear on machinery to make sure that I didn’t think that it was talking to me. Everyday looking up percentages and data and calculating them over and over again to calculate the likelihood that I will develop schizophrenia. Spend my day thinking if I actually am enjoying my activates or if I’m faking it because I actually have schizophrenia. Convincing myself that my food is poisoned because that is what a schizophrenic would think. Going over common schizophrenic delusions and checking to see if I believe them too. I am sure that a lot of people in this group struggle with this theme. Even though a lot of people think that OCD is just washing your hands a lot or organizing, know that I know how you feel and I have gotten through the worst of it.

I still think about it occasionally, and sometimes I freak myself out, but I typically come to this conclusion; it is, what it is. I had similar thoughts, I also became very apparent of my surroundings, what I was seeing, what I was hearing, and what I was thinking. I was trying to find specific things to justify my fears. I mean shit I still am bothered by it. But at the end of the day, just accepting that you don’t know if or when it can happen has just giving me a weird zen. Don’t get me wrong I still think and worry about it, but like anything related to OCD, everything we think of is closely observed and very much criticized. I started with Harm OCD (still do), POCD, and now Schitzo (Health) OCD. OCD is a Pain in the butt. You got this!

Do you get the thoughts of the different kind of symptoms and start worrying about if you have schizophrenia?

@Jerry Yep I do. Working on my imaginal exposures now for it

@Ellie0630 Likewise, it’s a pain in the butt. But I wish us both luck!

Hey, still occasionally dealing with it, but I keep telling myself, it is what it is. That attitude has helped me work through it and well it’s a good exposure at the same time. It allows the uncertainty.

It’s a pain in the butt, mainly because just like OCD it’s completely involuntary, unless street drugs play a roll.

@Jerry Nope never did any drugs I’ve always had health anxiety always think something is wrong w me.. now I’m currently facing this fear fear of schizo it’s been 2months.. I’ve a seen a psychiatrist and doing therapy man it sucks.. I tried to erp and I was good for a minute for idk it’s just hard .. makes me feel like what I do schizophrenia and not ocd because I’m constantly obsessing over it why am I so infatuated on it

@ bp224 I agree, I do that too sometimes. Between that and HarmOCD are my reoccurring themes. Keep working towards the ERP and with a OCD therapist. It helps the longer you continue with it!

@Jerry When you were scared of it did u feel live u developed symptoms of it

@ bp224 More so scare of developing symptoms, so much that I would be over observant

@Jerry Same

@Jerry Did meds help u

@ bp224 I mean meds help with the aniexty but nothing else really. Meds in my experience doesn’t stop the ocd thoughts

@Jerry I just want too stop obsessing over it so much .. I tried erp watching videos and it caused so much anxiety.. like today I seen someone on top of a building maybe working ? But Usually I’ll pull my find out to insure it was really real and because I didn’t this time all I can think about is was that a hallucination or really real .. it’s killing me that’s all I can think about ?

@ bp224 That’s how obsessed I am I will chase the sounds

@ bp224 I suggest you continue with ERP.. that’s the best way to help with the intrusive thoughts. I don’t want to reassure you either, because that won’t help. It just gives temporary comfort. Are you talking with a therapist?

@Jerry Yes .. also just joined a ocd support group ..

@ bp224 Good! That’s great then! It gets better! It’s hard but it’s gets better!

@Jerry As someone who’s going through this right now I can say it gets better too. I took meds had a bad reaction so I quit. You can go through erp. But the biggest biggest thing here is cutting out compulsions. Live with uncertainty. Do things you would do if you didn’t have ocd. It gets better. I’m typing this as I’m alone in my room. I couldn’t be alone a month ago. I couldn’t shower without my gf over fear I would somehow hallucinate if someone wasn’t with me. Ridiculous I know but nothing about ocd isn’t ridiculous. Start by stopping your research and reassurance. Accept the weird things/thoughts and try you best to live what you think a normal life is. I was at a point where I was questioning if some guy that walked by me was a hallucination. Everything I heard must’ve been a hallucination too. But it wasn’t. It hasn’t been yet and I can’t control if it ever will be. I’m still recovering so it’s hard to remind myself of all of these things but it’s part of recovery. Meds can help take the edge of anxiety off but it will always be up to you to put In the work to be able to handle intrusive thoughts. It’s entirely possible.

@lulu23 You can see I posted on this very thread 53 days ago because I was severely obssessed with this theme. It’s was one of many but top 2 in terms of fear.

@lulu23 Wow you described me so well! I’m so scared I haven’t been home I’ve been sleeping at my moms literally with her because of strong of a fear this is.. today I seen something on top of a building and I didn’t take a picture of it and it’s killing me inside as all I can think of is rather or not it was a hallucination it’s really eating me alive that I can’t go back in time . I even had thought about driving back pass the building

@lulu23 That was awesome! Thanks for telling me that. I seriously appreciate it! I agree, the hardest thing to stop is the comoulsion/reassuring seeking

@ bp224 Ocd wants you to drive back and check. Anything ocd wants you to do don’t do it. Stay strong guys we can get through this shit stronger than we were before it happened.

@lulu23 Last comment, repeating what I’ve said here already. I can’t stress this enough!!! Resist compulsions. Stop checking stop asking you loved ones if they heard that noise too. Coming from someone who feared every noise and every person it gets better if you stop compulsions. Compulsions aren’t always physical either.

@lulu23 Yeah it’s really killing me that I couldn’t reassure myself and now I’m stuck with the if ..

@lulu23 Yeah I’m trying so hard I realize it’s making this a lot harder