I had to leave my fiancee and 6 month old daughter because one day out of nowhere I had intrusive thought about hurting my child. Now I feel detached from her and afraid il hit her if I stay. This feels like my life is over...

Struggling. My mind/OCD told me I had already abused my child by breathing when they were laying across me and that I might as well do something else to hurt them. I had to think for a second, but the only thing that came to mind was to move my elbow towards their groin area to cause a "feeling". Well I did just that, and I ended up grazing their groinal area and it caused a disgusting unwanted feeling. I IMMEDIATELY wanted to throw up and panicked. I also asked my child to move off of me immediately. It went against my morals, beliefs, and values as an individual and mother. I can't stop thinking about it and it's very debilitating. I didn't enjoy a single moment of it. But my question to you guys is am the monster that I've always been scared of being? Do I belong in the ground? Do I deserve to have a wonderful life and wonderful, perfect child?

My POCD has spiraled out of control based on me thinking I wanted to cause harm to my child when I moved my elbow based upon the thought to move it. I can't stop feeling guilty about it. I don't want to be taken from her. I need help. I have a therapist but myself next session isn't for a while

TW- POCD people only please. Am I a criminal hiding behind a diagnosis? I woke up in the middle of the night breathing and I was having groinals because she laying across me. My mind told me I had already hurt her so might as well do something else. I then was like well I have nothing to lose and I had to think of what to do. The only thing I could think to do was move my elbow towards her groin area to cause a feeling. Well I did that and my elbow touched her groin and caused an unwanted feeling. I then immediately asked my child to move. After that, I went back to sleep but I believe in a state of shock as to what happened. I woke up panicking completely thinking I have done ruined my life. I was going to prison and would lose my child. Since then, I haven't stopped ruminating. I have had days where I feel okay, but then there are days where I can't stop crying. Thinking I don't deserve my child, and I deserve to be in the ground. I was on a new medication that was causing me to spiral and giving me insomnia during this time. I wasn't getting much sleep at all. Since then, I've slept on the floor, and I eventually got my child to sleep in their own bed to avoid this happening again. I got off the medication and feel so much better with my thoughts and sleeping so much better. My daughter tells me how wonderful I am often, but I don't feel that I even deserve to celebrate Mother's Day this year. I'm not a good mom. I was four months ago before I spiraled. What's wrong with me? (edited)