(I'm sorry for my English but I'm not native speaker) Hey im very stressed so I need to share my story. I think I have hocd for like 2 months. I'm so stressed to go to therapist because l'm scared that he won't be aware of ocd and he won't give me a good resonance in my case i don’t think that in my country it’s know topic. So I wanna ask you what you guys think of it. I'm so scared that I’m lesbian and I'm just in denial. I've never liked girls but l've never had bad feelings about homosexual people, I had lesbian friend and two gay friends and it was always normal for me, but I just always knew that I like boys because l've always had crushes on boys, I enjoyed reading love novels or erotic novels and it was what I knew I want. And I have a very good friend, we even call each other sister because since we met we had a lot in common, we were very comfortable with yourself, we were taking baths in bathtub together talking about boys and we were drinking wine and it was our tradition , we even kissed on party because we played truth or dare with boys and other girls and we never had second thoughts about it I asked even my sister if it’s weird and she said that she also kissed a girl when she was young and she also saw her friend naked.. she said that we all woman so that’s not weird and don’t identify my sexuality (I asked her now when I have this thought not then), it never even bother me because I knew it didn't meant anything in sexual or romantic way to me. But when I told my flat mate because he asked me how close we are because even tho we studying in different towns we still manage to have contact or to meet and I told him that she is like my sister, we know everything about our selves and I said "bro she saw me naked and we even kissed on party, so think she knows me better than anybody else" (we were 16 then and now l'm 20 and never had questioning my sexuality since now) and then he said "it's sound so lesbian, I think you are bi, for sure you are bi" and at first i was like yyy no and it didn't bother me really, but later I had a lot of stress.. final exams, and I don't know why but I was worried about my health so badly because somehow I thought that I have cancer and I felt very sick, I was vomiting from stress I was crying all night but I go to doctor and he said that I just have some problem with period but since then I was very unstable about my mental health and I started to think what if he was right and I stared to obsessing, I couldn't eat and sleep, I was crying for 3 days all the time, even my flat mates were worried and since then I'm so anxious that maybe he was right and my thoughts now tell my that for sure I like this and at the same time when I think about be with woman but not in sexual way but like be with her in relationships at first I think I want it but the Il'm so anxious so I think that's not the thing. But what is worrying me the most that nothing give me joy.. I'm bookworm I loved to read I loved romance novels and now I think I can't read them, I'm procrastinating (and I was always very active and I loved to study) I can't watch my favorite shows because there are homosexual couples and in the past it didn't bother me but now it is. I also wonder..In childhood because of my parents divorced and very bad situation in home (violence and My mom was twice in mental hospital because she had depression) when I was 6 my teacher saw that I had problems with stuttering and i had something like compulsive blinking (?) I was blinking like all the time and back then I was going to child psychologist because I was scared of people and I was reacting with crying and stress when someone were looking at me with anger (or I just thought that person is mad at me)But I thought that I gone through this. Can it have influence on my mental health right now? Please help me. I'm crying even while l'm writing it, I even had thoughts that's it's better to be dead than be lesbian and I'm very stressed because l'm worried that I will never like bovs again. I’m so sick of questioning every single move and tik tok and social media give me also a lot anxiety. Pleas help me.

Sexual Orientation OCD

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

You have literally described my exact experience too with how this all started for me. I also completely understand your worry about not being understood by a therapist, I also live in a country where there is little understanding of mental health, especially complex issues like OCD. But I think the next step for you is to try and get a diagnosis. Look for therapists that do CBT, ERP, ACT and say they can deal with OCD. You can also try teletherapy if theres no appropriate therapists where you live. For now, it would be good to educate yourself on how OCD works - I recommend the made of millions website and this app too (theres blogs on the website). Hang in there, so many of us struggle with this you can live a happy life still ❤

Adaa

Date posted: 4y

Thank you so much girls! I hope I will stop thinking about it all the time and go with my life, I hope we will recover soon ❤️

Melodyocd

Date posted: 4y

I hope so too! Keep your head up and held high! Always here if you need a chat :)

Melodyocd

Date posted: 4y

I understand how distressing this can be, I also have this theme. I was the same as you, always loved boys and never questioned my sexuality at all unt this theme. My biggest fear is that I’ll never like boys again too, and I also have the whole “nothing brings me joy” thing. It’s all so distressing, so know you’re not alone. Past upsetting and traumatic experiences can very much effect us later on in life, I myself have been effected by things which I believe has led to develop all these anxiety disorders. With this theme the past way to overcome it is to accept uncertainty, as we will never get an answer as there’s no medical test or scan we can get done to tell us our sexuality haha. There’s a possibility that all of our thoughts will come true/ are true, but there’s also an equal possibility that they’re aren’t true/ won’t come true. It’s hard to accept the uncertainty and will take time, but make sure you’re cutting out compulsions (Googling, asking for reassurance etc) as that’s the first step! :) You’re so strong and brave ✨

Melodyocd

Date posted: 4y

Best* not past

Adaa

Date posted: 4y

I know that I should accept it and say to my self “so what if it’s true”, but I just don’t want to be with girl, i want my old self to come back. I think that even tho I would try to be with girl to figure it out I will be still anxious because I think it’s not truly what I want. But the whole thing stressed me so much that I can’t breathe and I feel like my heart is squeezed

Melodyocd

Date posted: 4y

@Adaa I feel the EXACT same way! I try so hard to say “whatever” but my chest feels so tight all the time, I try to do erp but I get so scared! I guess it’s going to take us time, and that’s okay

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