(I'm sorry for my English but I'm not native speaker) Hey im very stressed so I need to share my story. I think I have hocd for like 2 months. I'm so stressed to go to therapist because l'm scared that he won't be aware of ocd and he won't give me a good resonance in my case i don’t think that in my country it’s know topic. So I wanna ask you what you guys think of it. I'm so scared that I’m lesbian and I'm just in denial. I've never liked girls but l've never had bad feelings about homosexual people, I had lesbian friend and two gay friends and it was always normal for me, but I just always knew that I like boys because l've always had crushes on boys, I enjoyed reading love novels or erotic novels and it was what I knew I want. And I have a very good friend, we even call each other sister because since we met we had a lot in common, we were very comfortable with yourself, we were taking baths in bathtub together talking about boys and we were drinking wine and it was our tradition , we even kissed on party because we played truth or dare with boys and other girls and we never had second thoughts about it I asked even my sister if it’s weird and she said that she also kissed a girl when she was young and she also saw her friend naked.. she said that we all woman so that’s not weird and don’t identify my sexuality (I asked her now when I have this thought not then), it never even bother me because I knew it didn't meant anything in sexual or romantic way to me. But when I told my flat mate because he asked me how close we are because even tho we studying in different towns we still manage to have contact or to meet and I told him that she is like my sister, we know everything about our selves and I said "bro she saw me naked and we even kissed on party, so think she knows me better than anybody else" (we were 16 then and now l'm 20 and never had questioning my sexuality since now) and then he said "it's sound so lesbian, I think you are bi, for sure you are bi" and at first i was like yyy no and it didn't bother me really, but later I had a lot of stress.. final exams, and I don't know why but I was worried about my health so badly because somehow I thought that I have cancer and I felt very sick, I was vomiting from stress I was crying all night but I go to doctor and he said that I just have some problem with period but since then I was very unstable about my mental health and I started to think what if he was right and I stared to obsessing, I couldn't eat and sleep, I was crying for 3 days all the time, even my flat mates were worried and since then I'm so anxious that maybe he was right and my thoughts now tell my that for sure I like this and at the same time when I think about be with woman but not in sexual way but like be with her in relationships at first I think I want it but the Il'm so anxious so I think that's not the thing. But what is worrying me the most that nothing give me joy.. I'm bookworm I loved to read I loved romance novels and now I think I can't read them, I'm procrastinating (and I was always very active and I loved to study) I can't watch my favorite shows because there are homosexual couples and in the past it didn't bother me but now it is. I also wonder..In childhood because of my parents divorced and very bad situation in home (violence and My mom was twice in mental hospital because she had depression) when I was 6 my teacher saw that I had problems with stuttering and i had something like compulsive blinking (?) I was blinking like all the time and back then I was going to child psychologist because I was scared of people and I was reacting with crying and stress when someone were looking at me with anger (or I just thought that person is mad at me)But I thought that I gone through this. Can it have influence on my mental health right now? Please help me. I'm crying even while l'm writing it, I even had thoughts that's it's better to be dead than be lesbian and I'm very stressed because l'm worried that I will never like bovs again. I’m so sick of questioning every single move and tik tok and social media give me also a lot anxiety. Pleas help me.

*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

I’m so afraid I might be lesbian. I was very anxious at first but it started to calm down. I’m only 15 and I have a boyfriend I love. At least I think I do, I always chose to question everything and over analyze. I found out about hocd and it described everything I was feeling. I’d take test and read articles like “am I lesbian” but I have never fantasied a girl or wanted to be with a girl sexually or romantically. But what if I’m in denial? I do think girls are physically attractive but I never crushed on a girl. I have always crushed on boys. And liked being with them. I’m just so lost. My anxiety about it had calmed down. But the question is still there sometimes. Earlier today, I found a girl pretty and I got scared thinking that meant something. Then I read about women who have married men, but they know they’re lesbian. I’m scared that that’ll Happen to me. I don’t want to be lesbian. No disrespect. But I just want to be happy. I think I’ve suffered from ocd before. Tell me anyone if I’m wrong. But I used to have thoughts of that my boyfriend would murder me in the future because of theses videos that triggered me. It caused me so much pain and felt so real. That I eventually started to think I’d murder my mom and sister for no reason. I felt so helpless. But I got through it. I hope I get through this. Please any advice? Is this hocd?? Does anyone else feel this way?