Someone just wrote a really triggering thing about how they realized they were gay after therapy and im so scared and numb and i dont think i can live with this any longer and i dont wanna be gay i think idek anymore

I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.

Okay so having a lil anxiety attack right now because the thought of being gay aint scaring me anymore and now i feel like i truuuly am gay and like i have to come out to my parents and like im pressured by myself and not accepting myself and it feels just too real and idkkk its crazy how i can go from okay to this stage again. I feel like i try not to fall in love with woman and im holding myself back but if i truly was gay wouldnt it just liked the same sex earlier in my life. Like it just happens right? So ive never had that but i feel like im blocking myself from likjng woman but jve never liked them in my whole life so idk what im tryna convince myself. I cant lie, This generation is rlly hard on me when it comes to my hocd. Evergwhere around me people are comjng out and it makes it look like being gay is a huge posibility and that i could easily be gay when u look at how many people are gay. That it wouldnt be a weird case like so many girls are lesbian why wouldnt i be. What would make me straight and them gay? The thing is all these questjoms once were never in my head and all the answers were so clear i didnt even had to ask the questions to myself. But why do i now? Makes me feel like im gay because straight ppl would never ask themselves these questions...

I just read this post about Colin Underwood the ex Bachelor star & ex NFL player coming out as gay, and in the article it said “he lived with this uncertainty about his sexuality for a while before coming to terms with his sexuality.” Lol this rly triggered me, as the whole point in our recovery is living with uncertainty. I don’t want to live w uncertainty to one day find out I’m truly lesbian and have been lying to everyone & myself :/ :( I guess he probably did not have OCD, and in the article it said he knew “something was different” by the age of 6. I guess I’m just overthinking but 😭 it sent my anxiety through the roof