This is my story. Please read as this so hard for me to open up. Bless you all if you read until the end. I have found a way that I am going to try to self attempt cure myself from HOCD. It has been almost two years in November that I have had these horrible intrusive thoughts.(regarding sexual orientation) I am finally standing up to my OCD. I am DEMANDING control of my life back. I am learning that OCD DOESN'T DEFINE ME. I AM NOT MY INSTRUSIVE THOUGHTS. I AM NOT MY COMPLUSIONS. I AM NOT MY ANXIETY AND I AM NOT MY DEPRESSION. I am simply a person with OCD. Not a OCD statistic within a person. Here is my story that I want to so desperately share with you all. From as long as I can remember, I knew my mind was different. I knew everyone didn't think the way I did. I knew that I always over thought everything and literally EVERYTHING. I remember convincing myself that my little brother was going to die. I believed strongly something bad was going to happen to him. This led me to be extremely controlling over him growing up, acting as a more strict invasive mother because I thought I was looking out for him. And then, I remember being convinced that I was going to be a victim in a shooting. Whether it was at school or while I'm out with my friends. I couldn't go to school. I would stay home weeks at a time because I was too scared. I believed that if I went to school, and there was a shooter, it would be my fault because I was there. Fast forward a couple years, growing up I had always felt different but didn't know what it was. Now ofcourse I know OCD. But I felt that I was adopted. Around 11 my mother told me that my assumptions were true, and that my biological father left and the father i had known to grow up with adopted me. This left me heartbroken, confused and I believe me always having this worry of adoption and then it being confirmed is what really took my OCD to the next level. I was always searching for an answer. After that is when my HOCD started. I remember learning what gay was, and thinking to myself "with my luck I'd be the one to be gay" or I would look at a girl and think she's pretty, and tell myself "see you are gay" and then I'd think back to my childhood and remember telling my mother "I think I would know how to treat a girl" or when my bestfriend in gradeschool was crying how I leaned in to innocently kiss her forehead for comfort (as my mom always would for me) and thinking "Wow, that's enough clarification that I am gay! Wow. Better not tell anyone!" Although I had never had a crush on a girl. I never had true emotions towards women, but I convinced myself I was gay and I have been fighting for years to prove myself wrong causing myself so much distress. I have kissed my friends, (girls) but only because everyone else was doing it and I was curious. But I never had a crush or urge to be with women. Then around 12/13, a friend introduced me to lesbian porn. And that has been the only porn I watched. I would have physical recations, a impulse to watch it every night and for a small time period I would fantasize about it. Although all of this was only during the time period that I was watching porn, when I would go to school I was wanting to impress the boys I had crushes on, dress up for them and want to date them, it was only when I was going through puberty and hormonal. To this day, I still have urges to watch lesbian porn but have found that it is so normal for straight women to watch it. That it doesn't define my sexuality. I enjoy having sex with males. I get turned on my males. But I am not letting this define me anymore. If I am a lesbian, then I am. If I am straight (as I have always claimed and believed) then I am. Now my attempt to self cure myself, I am going to convince myself to be a lesbian. If I enjoy it, that's the answer. If I don't, then there's another answer. I will not let this uncertainty, avoidance of women and anxiety rule my life anymore.