Hi everyone! I’m new to this and also new to OCD and my fear. A few months ago I was triggered and developed an intense fear around developing schizophrenia. It got so bad but I didn’t know it was ocd until only a few days ago and I started seeing a therapist that I found on this app. She wanted me to start doing the exposures and I was like “oh I can do this, piece of cake!” Yeah NOT!! So one of my exposures was to google about it (which is what initially caused me to be triggered and spiral in the first place a few months ago) and now I’m so worked up and questioning that how can this be healthy for me to constantly expose myself to my fear? Like it’s terrifying!! Does anyone else have this fear? I feel so alone with it and don’t know how to talk about it without being labeled “crazy” which of course is my biggest fear 😭 I’m not necessarily looking for reassurance (at least I don’t think I am) but more support on how do I get through these exposures when I think they are hurting me more than helping me.

That’s part of my fear too 😭 just seriously makes me want to cry because this all came out of no where and gripped on to me so fast.

@alexisgonell Me too ive had this fear since January like at first i feared schizophrenia and around march and april i switched to psychosis and its soo so bad im like so scared

@nayely🤍 What triggered you back then? I got triggered when I was watching to tv show and the girl on the show said she was diagnosed with it and I got a massive panic attack and then started researching all about it and went down the dark rabbit hole and couldn’t stop and now here I am today terrified that one day it could happen to me. Before that day I never once gave it a single thought. It’s like how can one small thing throw me into such a panic. And since it’s all in my head (the compulsions) it’s even harder to do the exposures

@alexisgonell What triggered me was a intrusive thought i had that was liek “kill yourself kill yourself” and i knew it was a thought but idk i kept saying it was a voice bc it was so weird and then i started searching and schizophrenia came up and then yep thats how it started

I don’t even really know exactly what my compulsions are so it’s hard to put my finger on. It’s all mental. A lot of the time I’ll just cry and I’ll feel better afterwards, or I’ll find support groups like this where I can read and relate to other people, or I’ll call a family member and just vent my frustrations (but never ask for reassurance). So are those a compulsion as well because they make me feel better? This is what’s so confusing to me. Or I’ll ruminate in my head about it but that certainly doesn’t make me feel better or alleviate the anxiety associated with the thoughts and fears.

@alexisgonell I know how you feel. 95% of my compulsions are mental as well. So there are several compulsions you mentioned. Seeking reassurance is a compulsion, confessing is a compulsion, googling symptoms is a compulsion, avoidance is a compulsion, spiraling into what ifs is a compulsion. Trying to argue or reason with the intrusive thought is a compulsion. Ruminating is a compulsion. Basically, a compulsion is anything you say, do, or think in an attempt to relieve the anxiety caused by the intrusive thought or trigger. Even something like prayer can become a compulsion

@Lms526 Wow yeah I do ALL of that. So what else am I supposed to do with myself? I think that’s why I just broke down a cried a few minutes ago because idk what to do.. I’m trying to get a stay at home job in hopes it will totally distract me but even that scares me.

@alexisgonell Distraction is also a compulsion. The best way to break the OCD cycle is by doing ERP. The key to a successful exposure is not doing any compulsions during or after the exposure. I know its scary and uncomfortable. You may also need to do the exposure several times before your anxiety gets low enough. But you CAN do this. Do you have a counselor that specializes in ERP and understands OCD?

@Lms526 Yes I found her on this app. She is very knowledge and I do love talking to her. I feel so confident that I can do the exposures while I’m talking to her during our sessions and then when I actaully have to do them I’m like “oh shit”.

Yeah ocd is horrible.

I’m getting ready for a job interview right now, stressing, but I caught myself ruminating and I stopped myself and for some reason just thought of your comment when you said you would rather have schizophrenia than ocd and I actually laughed because I said “she’s probably right, it would be better because then I wouldn’t even be aware and I would be off in another reality” 😂 so thank you for making me find humor in this lol it was a pleasant surprise to laugh about it for once.

@alexisgonell You are very welcome. I’m an ocd therapist who also has ocd and this is how I often get my clients on board with treatment 😂 I honestly feel like at this point I’d rather have all my ocd fears come true that continue to deal with OCD. What’s the point of worrying about all this shit if experiencing OCD itself is the worst part.

@Maybe,MaybeNot Oh I love this!! Totally making me laugh 😂 so so so so true!!