Idk how to word this, but how do you think of or interact with your partner without triggering obsessions? I feel like my anxiety is getting to a point where I’m just triggered by even the thought of him and it makes it difficult. Idk how to stop the cycle once it gets to this point and just wondered if it made sense to anybody else?

Try to avoid mental checks and rumination no matter how hard it is to. If your anxiety shows up out of nowhere just at the thought of him and gives a false signal that something might not be right, don't go looking for a reason or checking that everything is fine or so, just try to let it be there and move on. Once your brain gets used to registering the anxiety as a false alarm, it'll stop showing up.

Have you noticed that big events, (such as getting married) seem to make your doubts and feelings considerably more intense and painful?

I've been living with ROCD for 3 years now. The first year was with my kids mom who left and the last 2 years has been with my wife. I have had the exact same thought patterns and feelings through out both relationships and I had terrible anxiety and dread months before the wedding to my wife. I was anxious and unsure the entire ceremony too but after all was said and done I actually enjoyed the reception quite a bit. I still go through this shit every day but I have grown so much through it and believe it or not I feel it has brought us closer and humbled me more then anything I've ever been through in my life. I have to believe there's a reason for this more then just a struggle. I believe struggle is the bedrock of growth so I can't see this being any different

I don’t do anything differently. Avoidance is the worst thing you can do.

This is my biggest issue. I don’t know how to shut off the mental compulsions. I genuinely don’t know how to ever look at him and NOT have mental checking or see a text on my phone from him and not ruminate. Even though I know I can. I’ve done it before but that was before I knew what OCD was and I dolt remember why or how it went away on its own. A few years ago I had harm OCD towards him and almost broke up with him. Now we’re married and I fear I don’t love him. It’s so painful

This happens a lot! You could work with a therapist to do some exposures that are "challenging but manageble". It might be an exposure for you to simply think about this person while resisting rituals. if you are in a situation where you need to interact with this person, it might be helpful for you to try to reduce rituals or postpone them. for instance, instead of reassurance seeking immediately you could try to postpone this for 10-15 minutes and see how that goes.

I actually have started working with a therapist here at NOCD. I appreciate your feedback.

I've gotten pretty good at not doing physical compulsions. My main thing is mental analysis. Basically rocd, intuition, rocd??? Nah... Intuition.