Magzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y ago
hey, been through this a couple times. still struggle with it. i’m here to talk because i understand. it’s hard to accept it but when the thought comes into my mind i’m aware that i am a better person. i didn’t know what i knew now at the time and if i knew it was bad i wouldn’t have done it. people make mistakes. that’s what makes us human, as cheesy as it sounds. i know it’s hard to let go of, but mostly because you are being hard on yourself. it’s in the past and all you can do is not make that mistake again. you will heal from this.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Thank you for understanding. I have always been my own worst enemy and now that I have ocd it has intensified. I know I would never make the same mistakes again knowing what I know now.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Just Breathe ❤️ i agree with the person above^^. be kind to yourself !!
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I just feel so stupid because at the time I had no intention of doing anything bad I didn’t even realize what I was doing and then years later I remembered it and it’s made me feel so depressed because of it.
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
navigating the same thing right now. glad to know i’m not alone. but we’re gonna be alright. it seems really scary right now but that fear or “haunting” is never really the truth. it’s always exacerbated by fear. the real thing is much less dramatic than our minds make it out to be. don’t really have much more insight than that, but realizing our brains are stupid and that we don’t have to listen to them all time is okay. it’s just trying to protect you but sometimes you know better. just trust your instincts and realize you’re doing better than most for even looking somewhat inward in the first place. most people don’t do any internal work and can’t figure out why they feel like crap. if you bring it up w a therapist they are not there to judge, and if they do, find a new one. but you don’t have to confess your guts out because that can actually be dangerous. i would suggest just working through how the event makes you feel, which might not even warrant you talking about the event at all. and if you do talk about it, do it slow and steady. no rush here.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@struggling but still here You are definitely not alone. I’m just terrified. I never wanted to be and don’t want to be a bad person. I was younger and stupid at the time and if I would of know then what I know now it would of never happened in the first place. Could it possibly be that I’m just being too hard on myself I don’t know but I have talked to my mom about it and my first therapist I had and they both pretty much told me to let it go and move forward but it’s hard. I haven’t talked to my current therapist about it yet but maybe one day I will talk to her about it. Thank you for the advice I appreciate it and I hope you feel better as well
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Just Breathe ❤️ thank you <3 look, this idea that we’re bad people is a lie. bad people don’t question whether they’re bad people. in fact, they realize it and they don’t care. the fact that you care enough, even to look that far into your past for evidence of being a bad person means you’re a lot less bad than you think, if at all. i’m not trying to discount your fears, but realize that you are doing well just for being aware of it. i don’t need to know what you’ve done or how bad what you’ve done is to realize that the very intent to do good or to feel remorse for what you’ve done makes you better than you think. letting go of that deep emotion is a hard process that comes with time. i think with time we learn to release the internalized negativity we hold on to and we’re more empathetic because of our mistakes because we see ourselves in other people. this idea that “who are we to judge others for making mistakes?” if you can recognize that empathy in your life, that’s the biggest contribution you can make to release that energy from yourself into the world. it might sound dumb but putting your best foot forward and being empathetic really helps you be at peace with yourself despite your mistakes. above all, realize we’re all just winging it and nobody knows what they’re doing and we screw up a lot along the way. it just takes time to let all of it go. just take a deep breath and we’ll both take this thing day by day. you got this!
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Just Breathe ❤️ all things considered just be a little more kind to yourself :)
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@struggling but still here You’re totally right I never really thought of it that way. I just went for worst case scenario and assumed I was a bad person when in all reality if I was one I wouldn’t feel the amount of guilt or regret I do feel. Let’s just say when I was younger I had a weird fetish and I struggled with masturbation and I would look up weird memes or whatever about that fetish not knowing what I was getting into I was just young and had no bad intention at all I was just into the fetish itself it has nothing to do with certain people or anything it was the subject of it. It’s more embarrassing now than ever to even talk about it but let’s just say it’s a normal everyday thing that got turned into a weird fetish about tickling which yeah I know stupid but it’s what I came across as a teen and now I regret it so much. But it’s because masturbation was involved with the fetish it brings on even more shame and guilt. Also just the stuff I came across on ifunny (which is what I had at the time) I again didn’t realize it and later regretted it. I don’t know how to explain it without it sounding bad but I promise it had nothing to do with anything but just the fetish itself and not whoever was in the meme or gif or clip or whatever I came across on that stupid app if that makes sense. I never intentionally looked up anything except for the fetish itself and maybe a couple other ones because I was young and curious and well, stupid. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression that I’m a horrible monster. Because I know deep down that was never the intention. I’m a Christian and I’m a woman with many morals. It breaks my heart that I was so dumb when I was younger. I would never make the same mistakes again. Please don’t judge or hate me or whatever. Like you said nobody knows what they are doing and it just takes time to let it go. I’m hoping one day I can do just that
Brian K.Brian K.
- User type
- NOCD Alumni
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Hi Just Breathe ❤️, just try to remember that no amount of worrying or dwelling on the past will ever change it. Like others have said, that is always easier said than done, which goes for most things related to OCD and ERP. To reiterate what others have said, nobody’s perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Hell, I’ve made plenty and will no doubt make plenty more, but it’s how we learn from those mistakes that matters most. Like @struggling but here said, the fact that you are wondering if you’re a bad person means you are certainly not one. No matter what the subject or how uncomfortable the memory makes you feel I would encourage talking to your current therapist about it as your OCD bully is using it as an anchor for causing you consistent pain and for that I am sorry. But you are definitely not alone and as @Anonymous said, it’s hard to let go and especially with being hard on yourself and I can relate to that as well. I have 2 mistakes in particular from earlier this year that even now just thinking about them while typing this I feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and hatred towards myself and disappointment for what happened and that I should have known better and doubting whether I am a good person and yeah…it’s hard to heed my own advice that I can’t change the past no matter how hard I try, but it’s true, I spent a LOT of time beating myself up and ruminating on the events and yeah, they still occurred no take backsies, so why worry about them. Learning from them and focusing on what I do now is all I can do. If you’re like me, then forgiving yourself is definitely the hardest part, even when everyone else does, I still can’t. That’s something I’ve always struggled with, and my OCD bully for sure doesn’t make it an easier, but we have to try to forgive ourselves cause mistakes happen in all shapes and sizes. What one person considers a massive mistake another person may not think is a big deal at all….only the OCD bully likes to make everything a bigger deal making it harder for us. Especially if there is false memory involved, because like you said the more you focus on those memories, the worse they seem and in my experience the more warped they become from what may have actually occurred as the doubt builds. Nobody will judge you or hate you here for whatever you say or do or did, this is where we come to be able to talk freely and help each other. I respect your for having the courage to talk about what’s bothering you and for looking for help and advice and I admire you for being strong throughout what your OCD bully is throwing at you. I believe you are a good person and you will get through this, but first forgive yourself and recognized who you are then is not who your are now. Tell your OCD, so what if past me did that, I can’t change that and in some way shape or form, that helped shape the amazing person I am today, because I learned from it. Take care of yourself, stay strong and best wishes.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Thank you I really appreciate your advice and kindness. I’m really beating myself up because of what happened. No one else was even involved it was my own doing but I didn’t know at the time it was bad it was just because I was young and well hormonal I guess. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself or anything I take full responsibility and I wish I could go back and punch myself. I don’t know if you’ve read what I commented about my real event but if you have I hope you don’t think the worst of me. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a terrible monster. I’m just scared that I’m a horrible monster that needs to be locked up for it and that’s what scares me most. Maybe I’m overthinking it and maybe ocd is twisting it because it doesn’t make sense that one day I was fine and then all of a sudden it feels like the worlds gonna end because of my mistake that at the time didn’t even know any better. I appreciate your help thank you!
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