Magzzz
- Date posted
- 3y
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
hey, been through this a couple times. still struggle with it. i’m here to talk because i understand. it’s hard to accept it but when the thought comes into my mind i’m aware that i am a better person. i didn’t know what i knew now at the time and if i knew it was bad i wouldn’t have done it. people make mistakes. that’s what makes us human, as cheesy as it sounds. i know it’s hard to let go of, but mostly because you are being hard on yourself. it’s in the past and all you can do is not make that mistake again. you will heal from this.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you for understanding. I have always been my own worst enemy and now that I have ocd it has intensified. I know I would never make the same mistakes again knowing what I know now.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y
@Just Breathe ❤️ i agree with the person above^^. be kind to yourself !!
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y
I just feel so stupid because at the time I had no intention of doing anything bad I didn’t even realize what I was doing and then years later I remembered it and it’s made me feel so depressed because of it.
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y
navigating the same thing right now. glad to know i’m not alone. but we’re gonna be alright. it seems really scary right now but that fear or “haunting” is never really the truth. it’s always exacerbated by fear. the real thing is much less dramatic than our minds make it out to be. don’t really have much more insight than that, but realizing our brains are stupid and that we don’t have to listen to them all time is okay. it’s just trying to protect you but sometimes you know better. just trust your instincts and realize you’re doing better than most for even looking somewhat inward in the first place. most people don’t do any internal work and can’t figure out why they feel like crap. if you bring it up w a therapist they are not there to judge, and if they do, find a new one. but you don’t have to confess your guts out because that can actually be dangerous. i would suggest just working through how the event makes you feel, which might not even warrant you talking about the event at all. and if you do talk about it, do it slow and steady. no rush here.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y
@struggling but still here You are definitely not alone. I’m just terrified. I never wanted to be and don’t want to be a bad person. I was younger and stupid at the time and if I would of know then what I know now it would of never happened in the first place. Could it possibly be that I’m just being too hard on myself I don’t know but I have talked to my mom about it and my first therapist I had and they both pretty much told me to let it go and move forward but it’s hard. I haven’t talked to my current therapist about it yet but maybe one day I will talk to her about it. Thank you for the advice I appreciate it and I hope you feel better as well
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y
@Just Breathe ❤️ thank you <3 look, this idea that we’re bad people is a lie. bad people don’t question whether they’re bad people. in fact, they realize it and they don’t care. the fact that you care enough, even to look that far into your past for evidence of being a bad person means you’re a lot less bad than you think, if at all. i’m not trying to discount your fears, but realize that you are doing well just for being aware of it. i don’t need to know what you’ve done or how bad what you’ve done is to realize that the very intent to do good or to feel remorse for what you’ve done makes you better than you think. letting go of that deep emotion is a hard process that comes with time. i think with time we learn to release the internalized negativity we hold on to and we’re more empathetic because of our mistakes because we see ourselves in other people. this idea that “who are we to judge others for making mistakes?” if you can recognize that empathy in your life, that’s the biggest contribution you can make to release that energy from yourself into the world. it might sound dumb but putting your best foot forward and being empathetic really helps you be at peace with yourself despite your mistakes. above all, realize we’re all just winging it and nobody knows what they’re doing and we screw up a lot along the way. it just takes time to let all of it go. just take a deep breath and we’ll both take this thing day by day. you got this!
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y
@Just Breathe ❤️ all things considered just be a little more kind to yourself :)
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y
@struggling but still here You’re totally right I never really thought of it that way. I just went for worst case scenario and assumed I was a bad person when in all reality if I was one I wouldn’t feel the amount of guilt or regret I do feel. Let’s just say when I was younger I had a weird fetish and I struggled with masturbation and I would look up weird memes or whatever about that fetish not knowing what I was getting into I was just young and had no bad intention at all I was just into the fetish itself it has nothing to do with certain people or anything it was the subject of it. It’s more embarrassing now than ever to even talk about it but let’s just say it’s a normal everyday thing that got turned into a weird fetish about tickling which yeah I know stupid but it’s what I came across as a teen and now I regret it so much. But it’s because masturbation was involved with the fetish it brings on even more shame and guilt. Also just the stuff I came across on ifunny (which is what I had at the time) I again didn’t realize it and later regretted it. I don’t know how to explain it without it sounding bad but I promise it had nothing to do with anything but just the fetish itself and not whoever was in the meme or gif or clip or whatever I came across on that stupid app if that makes sense. I never intentionally looked up anything except for the fetish itself and maybe a couple other ones because I was young and curious and well, stupid. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression that I’m a horrible monster. Because I know deep down that was never the intention. I’m a Christian and I’m a woman with many morals. It breaks my heart that I was so dumb when I was younger. I would never make the same mistakes again. Please don’t judge or hate me or whatever. Like you said nobody knows what they are doing and it just takes time to let it go. I’m hoping one day I can do just that
Brian K.Brian K.
- User type
- NOCD Alumni
- Date posted
- 3y
Hi Just Breathe ❤️, just try to remember that no amount of worrying or dwelling on the past will ever change it. Like others have said, that is always easier said than done, which goes for most things related to OCD and ERP. To reiterate what others have said, nobody’s perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Hell, I’ve made plenty and will no doubt make plenty more, but it’s how we learn from those mistakes that matters most. Like @struggling but here said, the fact that you are wondering if you’re a bad person means you are certainly not one. No matter what the subject or how uncomfortable the memory makes you feel I would encourage talking to your current therapist about it as your OCD bully is using it as an anchor for causing you consistent pain and for that I am sorry. But you are definitely not alone and as @Anonymous said, it’s hard to let go and especially with being hard on yourself and I can relate to that as well. I have 2 mistakes in particular from earlier this year that even now just thinking about them while typing this I feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and hatred towards myself and disappointment for what happened and that I should have known better and doubting whether I am a good person and yeah…it’s hard to heed my own advice that I can’t change the past no matter how hard I try, but it’s true, I spent a LOT of time beating myself up and ruminating on the events and yeah, they still occurred no take backsies, so why worry about them. Learning from them and focusing on what I do now is all I can do. If you’re like me, then forgiving yourself is definitely the hardest part, even when everyone else does, I still can’t. That’s something I’ve always struggled with, and my OCD bully for sure doesn’t make it an easier, but we have to try to forgive ourselves cause mistakes happen in all shapes and sizes. What one person considers a massive mistake another person may not think is a big deal at all….only the OCD bully likes to make everything a bigger deal making it harder for us. Especially if there is false memory involved, because like you said the more you focus on those memories, the worse they seem and in my experience the more warped they become from what may have actually occurred as the doubt builds. Nobody will judge you or hate you here for whatever you say or do or did, this is where we come to be able to talk freely and help each other. I respect your for having the courage to talk about what’s bothering you and for looking for help and advice and I admire you for being strong throughout what your OCD bully is throwing at you. I believe you are a good person and you will get through this, but first forgive yourself and recognized who you are then is not who your are now. Tell your OCD, so what if past me did that, I can’t change that and in some way shape or form, that helped shape the amazing person I am today, because I learned from it. Take care of yourself, stay strong and best wishes.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you I really appreciate your advice and kindness. I’m really beating myself up because of what happened. No one else was even involved it was my own doing but I didn’t know at the time it was bad it was just because I was young and well hormonal I guess. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself or anything I take full responsibility and I wish I could go back and punch myself. I don’t know if you’ve read what I commented about my real event but if you have I hope you don’t think the worst of me. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a terrible monster. I’m just scared that I’m a horrible monster that needs to be locked up for it and that’s what scares me most. Maybe I’m overthinking it and maybe ocd is twisting it because it doesn’t make sense that one day I was fine and then all of a sudden it feels like the worlds gonna end because of my mistake that at the time didn’t even know any better. I appreciate your help thank you!
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- Date posted
- 21w
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- Date posted
- 19w
Real event/ guilt OCD
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- Date posted
- 14w
Thinking about the past.
I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?
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