Magzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y ago
hey, been through this a couple times. still struggle with it. i’m here to talk because i understand. it’s hard to accept it but when the thought comes into my mind i’m aware that i am a better person. i didn’t know what i knew now at the time and if i knew it was bad i wouldn’t have done it. people make mistakes. that’s what makes us human, as cheesy as it sounds. i know it’s hard to let go of, but mostly because you are being hard on yourself. it’s in the past and all you can do is not make that mistake again. you will heal from this.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Thank you for understanding. I have always been my own worst enemy and now that I have ocd it has intensified. I know I would never make the same mistakes again knowing what I know now.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Just Breathe ❤️ i agree with the person above^^. be kind to yourself !!
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
I just feel so stupid because at the time I had no intention of doing anything bad I didn’t even realize what I was doing and then years later I remembered it and it’s made me feel so depressed because of it.
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
navigating the same thing right now. glad to know i’m not alone. but we’re gonna be alright. it seems really scary right now but that fear or “haunting” is never really the truth. it’s always exacerbated by fear. the real thing is much less dramatic than our minds make it out to be. don’t really have much more insight than that, but realizing our brains are stupid and that we don’t have to listen to them all time is okay. it’s just trying to protect you but sometimes you know better. just trust your instincts and realize you’re doing better than most for even looking somewhat inward in the first place. most people don’t do any internal work and can’t figure out why they feel like crap. if you bring it up w a therapist they are not there to judge, and if they do, find a new one. but you don’t have to confess your guts out because that can actually be dangerous. i would suggest just working through how the event makes you feel, which might not even warrant you talking about the event at all. and if you do talk about it, do it slow and steady. no rush here.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@struggling but still here You are definitely not alone. I’m just terrified. I never wanted to be and don’t want to be a bad person. I was younger and stupid at the time and if I would of know then what I know now it would of never happened in the first place. Could it possibly be that I’m just being too hard on myself I don’t know but I have talked to my mom about it and my first therapist I had and they both pretty much told me to let it go and move forward but it’s hard. I haven’t talked to my current therapist about it yet but maybe one day I will talk to her about it. Thank you for the advice I appreciate it and I hope you feel better as well
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Just Breathe ❤️ thank you <3 look, this idea that we’re bad people is a lie. bad people don’t question whether they’re bad people. in fact, they realize it and they don’t care. the fact that you care enough, even to look that far into your past for evidence of being a bad person means you’re a lot less bad than you think, if at all. i’m not trying to discount your fears, but realize that you are doing well just for being aware of it. i don’t need to know what you’ve done or how bad what you’ve done is to realize that the very intent to do good or to feel remorse for what you’ve done makes you better than you think. letting go of that deep emotion is a hard process that comes with time. i think with time we learn to release the internalized negativity we hold on to and we’re more empathetic because of our mistakes because we see ourselves in other people. this idea that “who are we to judge others for making mistakes?” if you can recognize that empathy in your life, that’s the biggest contribution you can make to release that energy from yourself into the world. it might sound dumb but putting your best foot forward and being empathetic really helps you be at peace with yourself despite your mistakes. above all, realize we’re all just winging it and nobody knows what they’re doing and we screw up a lot along the way. it just takes time to let all of it go. just take a deep breath and we’ll both take this thing day by day. you got this!
struggling but still herestruggling b...
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@Just Breathe ❤️ all things considered just be a little more kind to yourself :)
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
@struggling but still here You’re totally right I never really thought of it that way. I just went for worst case scenario and assumed I was a bad person when in all reality if I was one I wouldn’t feel the amount of guilt or regret I do feel. Let’s just say when I was younger I had a weird fetish and I struggled with masturbation and I would look up weird memes or whatever about that fetish not knowing what I was getting into I was just young and had no bad intention at all I was just into the fetish itself it has nothing to do with certain people or anything it was the subject of it. It’s more embarrassing now than ever to even talk about it but let’s just say it’s a normal everyday thing that got turned into a weird fetish about tickling which yeah I know stupid but it’s what I came across as a teen and now I regret it so much. But it’s because masturbation was involved with the fetish it brings on even more shame and guilt. Also just the stuff I came across on ifunny (which is what I had at the time) I again didn’t realize it and later regretted it. I don’t know how to explain it without it sounding bad but I promise it had nothing to do with anything but just the fetish itself and not whoever was in the meme or gif or clip or whatever I came across on that stupid app if that makes sense. I never intentionally looked up anything except for the fetish itself and maybe a couple other ones because I was young and curious and well, stupid. I don’t want anyone to get the wrong impression that I’m a horrible monster. Because I know deep down that was never the intention. I’m a Christian and I’m a woman with many morals. It breaks my heart that I was so dumb when I was younger. I would never make the same mistakes again. Please don’t judge or hate me or whatever. Like you said nobody knows what they are doing and it just takes time to let it go. I’m hoping one day I can do just that
Brian K.Brian K.
- User type
- NOCD Alumni
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Hi Just Breathe ❤️, just try to remember that no amount of worrying or dwelling on the past will ever change it. Like others have said, that is always easier said than done, which goes for most things related to OCD and ERP. To reiterate what others have said, nobody’s perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Hell, I’ve made plenty and will no doubt make plenty more, but it’s how we learn from those mistakes that matters most. Like @struggling but here said, the fact that you are wondering if you’re a bad person means you are certainly not one. No matter what the subject or how uncomfortable the memory makes you feel I would encourage talking to your current therapist about it as your OCD bully is using it as an anchor for causing you consistent pain and for that I am sorry. But you are definitely not alone and as @Anonymous said, it’s hard to let go and especially with being hard on yourself and I can relate to that as well. I have 2 mistakes in particular from earlier this year that even now just thinking about them while typing this I feel overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and hatred towards myself and disappointment for what happened and that I should have known better and doubting whether I am a good person and yeah…it’s hard to heed my own advice that I can’t change the past no matter how hard I try, but it’s true, I spent a LOT of time beating myself up and ruminating on the events and yeah, they still occurred no take backsies, so why worry about them. Learning from them and focusing on what I do now is all I can do. If you’re like me, then forgiving yourself is definitely the hardest part, even when everyone else does, I still can’t. That’s something I’ve always struggled with, and my OCD bully for sure doesn’t make it an easier, but we have to try to forgive ourselves cause mistakes happen in all shapes and sizes. What one person considers a massive mistake another person may not think is a big deal at all….only the OCD bully likes to make everything a bigger deal making it harder for us. Especially if there is false memory involved, because like you said the more you focus on those memories, the worse they seem and in my experience the more warped they become from what may have actually occurred as the doubt builds. Nobody will judge you or hate you here for whatever you say or do or did, this is where we come to be able to talk freely and help each other. I respect your for having the courage to talk about what’s bothering you and for looking for help and advice and I admire you for being strong throughout what your OCD bully is throwing at you. I believe you are a good person and you will get through this, but first forgive yourself and recognized who you are then is not who your are now. Tell your OCD, so what if past me did that, I can’t change that and in some way shape or form, that helped shape the amazing person I am today, because I learned from it. Take care of yourself, stay strong and best wishes.
MagzzzMagzzz
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Thank you I really appreciate your advice and kindness. I’m really beating myself up because of what happened. No one else was even involved it was my own doing but I didn’t know at the time it was bad it was just because I was young and well hormonal I guess. I’m not trying to make excuses for myself or anything I take full responsibility and I wish I could go back and punch myself. I don’t know if you’ve read what I commented about my real event but if you have I hope you don’t think the worst of me. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m a terrible monster. I’m just scared that I’m a horrible monster that needs to be locked up for it and that’s what scares me most. Maybe I’m overthinking it and maybe ocd is twisting it because it doesn’t make sense that one day I was fine and then all of a sudden it feels like the worlds gonna end because of my mistake that at the time didn’t even know any better. I appreciate your help thank you!
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Ellie.
- Date posted
- 25w ago
I’m not sure what to do some advice would be nice
I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.
blueberrybush3
- Date posted
- 24w ago
anyone with ocd knowledge can help me?
i would like some advice please and i didn't get any responses 😭.. apologies for reposting but just need some thoughts on this 🥲 //// after frustrations with erp not working, i intentionally brought up the intrusive mental images as well as sensations during an exposure in trying to practice desensitizing myself to them. but now im scared that me purposefully bringing on the images and especially the disturbing outward sensations means that i did something bad or acted on my thought since i took the action to purposefully create and bring the disturbing intrusive images and thoughts and feelings. now it feels like not just a fear but reality. and my anxiety levels are just too much. i'm just feeling terrible and would like some thoughts or support
Agent K
- Date posted
- 24w ago
Real Event Ocd
Hi there I talk about religion (but I'm not trying to force it down anyone's throat) So my main event (which is the one that truly bothers me) happened in 2015 when I was 14. I won't go into any details or anything. I will say that it got so bad once that I almost committed something detrimental to my health earlier this year. Not long after that I spoke to a doctor and basically confessed what's been happening to my brain and my mistakes, he mentioned things that really resonated with me, I'll paraphrase a bit: "Okay, so what you did was not good but it's not something to condemn yourself for. It falls into the grey area, you've apologized and have been forgiven (even though I apologized over text, which comes across cowardly)but it seems that you haven't forgiven yourself. There's a whole lot of difference between you at 14 and you at 23. Try to have some perspective." This really helped and it still does, but unfortunately ocd tries to find a way around this. I'll get a thought of "oh but you forgot to mention that other part of the event" and it magnifies it. Can anyone relate? I've done everything but fully move on because I sometimes feel like I don't deserve to move on. And I'm still worried over the future.
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