Recently I think I have become numb to my ocd thoughts. I have harm ocd and for the past few days I’ve noticed that the thoughts don’t give me anxiety and that scares me because I don’t know if that means that I want the thoughts or that I am the thoughts and because I feel numb I try to feel something to validate whether or not I have ocd even though I’m diagnosed. The numbness almost feels like I’m tired to even try and solve this problem and I’m scared cause I have my first session with my new therapist tomorrow so I’m worried she’s going to tell me I don’t have OCD.

I’m really anxious because I know my ocd is really bad right now so I shouldn’t try to figure it out cause my thinking is a mess but I’ve been having feelings of like I’m not sure if I love him anymore or worrying that I haven’t felt a lot like numb (a lot because ocd has been getting worse and worse) and thinking of like how I’ve been focusing on the negatives and only been looking at him through that lens and analyzing and also feeling like I don’t want this anymore. Basically just like negative thinking in feeling like I’m really scared it’s that it’s I don’t love him cause I don’t want it to be over and the thought of having someone replace him makes me ill. But like it feels like I’m not seeing him how I used to and it makes me upset. Today I was near someone I was like oh this person is cute and then I was thinking that the possibility of meeting someone new sounds exciting and now I’m freaking out because this in combination with feeling like maybe I don’t love him anymore is bad. Also my thoughts keep changing. and like sometimes it feels like I don’t care at all and this has happened but like worst it’s ever been and then other times I’m like I do care I do still feel. I’m just really anxious has anyone else felt this before and it was still ocd? 😭😭

It is not the thoughts or urges that scare me anymore. It is the way I feel like I’ve absorbed the compulsions into my identity :( I am doing them so automatically that it feels like I am choosing them freely and they’re me. and because of that, it feels like I AM the OCD now, not just someone with OCD. I think I’m just deeply trapped in a loop. I was trying to survive unbearable fear so I started scanning. Then I started pre-scanning. Then checking if I pre-scanned. Then I check how I feel during all that. I run to beat my OCD to the “punchline” (intrusive thought, urge, sensation) because I’m so scared all the time. So scared that I don’t even feel it anymore. I feel numb and all that’s left is this jittery residue and numbness. Now it’s all tangled together in a huge knot. I feel so extremely lost. I think this may just be meta OCD, but I’ve never ever felt so gone before :( I’m really scared.

I get married in 5 days. And what’s suppose to be the happiest week of my life, is the most numb, dreadful and ocd-filled. I’ve suffered from what I’d call existential ocd for 2.5 years. It’s been so long with it that I THINK my theme has changed to.. “what if I never feel the same again?” “What if I never recover?” “What if I’m always left feeling numb and disconnected?” The existential ocd started with “life is meaningless thoughts”. They are still there. They’re relentless too. My brain just one day grasped that we die and immediately it led me to belief that because of death and because no one has answers.. life is meaningless. I developed very bad depression. And I think my ocd has latched on to this numb feeling. Let me say, I feel no positive or negative emotions. I can’t cry, I can’t feel, I don’t see a point, I don’t feel connected to anything or anyone. I get married in 5 days and I feel nothing. And let be clear, I love my fiance so so much. He is amazing. Everything I want and more. Everyday I wake up, my ocd is nonstop all day. I really don’t see a point in anything. I would say I have little to no insight OCD. I truly believe this is my life. Any advice appreciated.