Just kind of an ERP vent. Anyone wanna talk about this experience? It’s bumming me out. So I’ve been doing ERP exercises daily to help myself get over this theme. I started out with ERP towards the gender I have had intrusive thoughts about (men), and it helped knock out a lot of the intrusive stuff and false attractions, but working on my ERP towards women has been rather difficult. I’m still getting mental blocks. I’m trying to expose myself to them and get over false anxiety and other negative false emotions. It’s worked, but it feels like I’m stuck right now. Anyone else getting frustrated? I know ERP is a process, but it feels like it’s taking absolutely forever. Anyone wanna talk / vent about ERP frustrations?

Hello. I actually began my therapy sessions yesterday and will be diving into ERP next week. I am extremely nervous because right now I am feeling triggered by literally everything around me—looking at any girl makes me feel like I’m attracted to them, and looking at every guys makes me feel like I am not attracted to them, even though I identify as a straight female. I am terrified that because all of these thoughts feel so real means that they are, and I’ve spent so much time analyzing past experiences (especially once’s where my social anxiety felt high around any other women) that my mind has convinced me that these thoughts are not even intrusive anymore. The thought of that absolutely freaks me out, solely because that is not personally who I am, but I’m worried that I’m not just in denial and my ERP will bring that truth to light.

ERP is rough, but that's the nature of the beast! I did some hard ERP tonight wearing a dress (I am a man and I have been experiencing gender ID OCD) in front of mirror and it was nerve-wracking! Having valued certainty for so long it's really rough to embrace the uncertainty. Solidarity!

I have been working with my therapist on SOOCD. I originally found out I had OCD through ROCD and it escalated to the soocd later on. Its terrible. Exposures suck. Sitting with the thoughts suck. I know what I want. I feel a lot of resistance for the things I want. It makes me feel I can’t have them. Like they’re saying “too bad you don’t get to choose your sexuality and you’re in denial” I very much do not want to leave my boyfriend. I do not want to be involved with women. I used to identify as Bisexual but i’m not entirely sure anymore. I’m doing my best to not figure it out because it leads to ruminating. I’m getting better at letting thoughts be there without doing any urgent action its telling me to do. It just takes timw

Thank you for sharing that. Have your thoughts ever made you look at your past differently and made you feel like you were faking being interested in men? Like I have had OCD for a long time and in the past, HOCD thoughts were only something I would get on occasion and they wouldn’t cause me too much distress because I was able to remember like “duh you don’t actually want to be with a woman just because you acknowledge that she’s pretty, you’ve only been with men and physically only want to be with men.” But for a little over a month, I have been in an extremely distressed and panic state every second of every day because my mind is not telling me that these thoughts I’m having and have had occasionally in the past only exist because I actually must be gay and that it just took all these times for it all to fall into place. The thought of never being with a man again scares me and being gay does not align with my personal values, so I feel like I’m sitting here wondering how I could’ve let this happen because I’ve given into compulsions for over a month straight because the thought of the obsessions is unbearable.

I’ve had one girlfriend before. Which makes this hard as you can imagine. I’ve always preferred guys. Even my ex girlfriend looked like a dude. I thought she was a gay man when she messaged me! Worrying about my sexuality never bothered me or I stressed about it until I met someone in my life that no one else have ever mattered to me as much as the man i have now. Soocd is a threat. Rocd is a threat. Ocd attacks things that are most important to you. I see it as a trauma response for me personally. “You dont love him you should run” “You’re in denial stop lying to yourself you have to break up with him” What do both of those things have in common? The act of leaving because of whatever reason ocd is telling me. I have a very traumatic past with relationships which makes sense why I have the issues I have now. (I will also point out I have BPD and split which makes it so much harder. Its always B&W thinking). My boyfriend is the most loving, kind, patient, most understanding person i’ve ever met. He is everything I dreamed of having today. So you’d see why this would be so frustrating. The bottom line is I’m not going to break up with him. I’m not going to do what the OCD wants me to do because 1. i simply don’t want to 2. i have the CHOICE not to. Those aren’t easier either because whatever you are thinking and trying to fight off OCD will always have something lined up to fight you with. Exposures are so scary. Life in general is scary. There’s always risks wether we like it or not. If you or I really want to beat OCD you HAVE to do the exposures and what your therapist tells you to do. They’ve heard it all. You or I are not special cases. OCD patterns are all pretty much the same just different themes and compulsions.

^ I think my OCD is extreme fear of abandonment/ terrified of getting absolutely heartbroken and my coping mechanisms have always been to run and avoid

How did you have the discipline to do self ERP ? And how did you start off in your case ?

I just had to decide to one day, or face dealing with this forever. It wasn’t really self discipline, honestly, more than it was fear for the future.