I haven’t really had real friends in years, except for my cousin which is like my best friend. But for all of these years at school when I would be alone with my school friends, I would constantly talk, but in my head. It was like my mind was my comfort place kinda. I didn’t really talk what was on my mind so I said a lot of it in my head. I would have thoughts such as “she’s/he’s cute” even when I wouldn’t think that and would say no in my head, but I would still constantly get these thoughts. Now, I have Harm OCD so it’s very tough because I feel like I can’t control my thoughts and it feels like sometimes I force these intrusive thoughts. What if my intrusive thoughts never go away and they just act like the thoughts I had before?

Hey guys so I suffer from Harm OCD and thoughts about violently harming other and today I’ve been having super minimal thoughts . I had such horrible intrusive thoughts that it feels weird. I’m in constant fear that the thought will come back randomly and the urges will come back stronger than ever. And I’ll actually commit to my urges and act out on them. Like I still Feel weird because even though I don’t have anxiety ... the killer thoughts are in the back of my head. I gueninly don’t dee normal Anymore.

I hate how my mind is making me doubt of my intentions when i clearly know that I don’t have any desires to act on my thoughts. It makes my intentions feel so uncertain, and sometimes it would even make me feel like if I wanted to act on my thoughts when I actually don’t, because I wouldn’t be doubting if I did. So since I feel my intentions so uncertain I need to come to an answer, and sometimes it is so damn hard to get that answer, which makes me anxious and disturbed. It would also make me think of my past like, how were you okay without having these thoughts? Or makes me think of my future like, will you be okay without these thoughts? So it would make me think that these thoughts are really desires and I won’t be okay unless I act on them. As horrible as it sounds. And I don’t know if someone gets this too but, it would also make me doubt my feelings. When my family tells me cute things like “I love you” and stuff, I would feel so bad, because my thoughts are towards them. So I would say “ily too” but I feel like an hypocrite saying it, or like I don’t mean it at all, so it makes me doubt if I really love them or not. This is all so overwhelming, and I have gone through so many disturbing and crazy thoughts, feelings and situations, that I don’t know if this might be OCD.

So I’m going to college soon and every time I think about it, I feel like the odd one out because of my intrusive thoughts. Like I literally feel like an “intruder” going to school because of how my thoughts make me feel. This is also every time I talk to my friends, my brain is like “your friends are talking to a future criminal”. I just feel like I don’t deserve to be there and have good memories and like my thoughts are inevitable. I feel like a completely different person from who I was before June. Of course I have had these thoughts throughout my life, but nothing that stuck longer than a week or two. It’s so weird how one day your perfectly happy and the other you feel like a completely different person. Furthermore, while these thoughts don’t make me happy and provide anxiety, those feelings feel so forced sometimes. Also I’m sure a lot of us do this, but when I think of the thought and want to feel disgust (as one does), it feels like I’m forcing that feeling. During the beginning of June I was nauseated by these thoughts and crying most days, now they just feel annoying more than anything because there’s nothing I can really do to provide relief. I constantly am questioning whether this is me or not and at this point I don’t even know. I feel like the thoughts have gradually went from making me want to vomit to questioning whether I would actually do it. Anyone else?