I haven’t really had real friends in years, except for my cousin which is like my best friend. But for all of these years at school when I would be alone with my school friends, I would constantly talk, but in my head. It was like my mind was my comfort place kinda. I didn’t really talk what was on my mind so I said a lot of it in my head. I would have thoughts such as “she’s/he’s cute” even when I wouldn’t think that and would say no in my head, but I would still constantly get these thoughts. Now, I have Harm OCD so it’s very tough because I feel like I can’t control my thoughts and it feels like sometimes I force these intrusive thoughts. What if my intrusive thoughts never go away and they just act like the thoughts I had before?

I don’t have harm ocd but the intrusive thoughts that you say no to in your head is something I am also currently experiencing. It is tough but I know that I don’t mean these intrusive thoughts and don’t want them. Even after reminding myself this it is difficult to stop having these thoughts. If you don’t want the thoughts, you probably aren’t having them on purpose. I have experienced that as well. Thoughts are just thoughts and they will pass and it will get better. You aren’t alone.

I think I have self-harm/harm OCD, have my first assessment appointment next week. But I wanted to say I feel the same way sometimes, like there are two parts of my brain fighting it out. But the self harm thoughts don't feel like "a voice in my head" it's my own thoughts, and THAT is what's so scary because it makes you feel like you actually might do the things you're so scared you'll do. And about getting help, the thing is people can't read your mind, if you need help, want help, you have to ask for it. I don't want to sound non-sympathetic, it's just the truth. It's hard, I had a really scary episode, told one friend about it and swore to myself I'd start therapy. That was 5 months ago. I got nervous about where to go and whether they'd understand, and eventually I got comfortable because things were ok and I was avoiding the situation that stressed me out. But I finally decided last week enough is enough. But the first step is reaching out, no one is gonna know what's going on in your head, unless it gets REALLY bad, and even then they probably won't understand.

Don't feel bad everybody's giving up on me. Heh.

I was trained to outreach SRS training and nobody could give a fuck about actual recovery.

I'm taking it at least 8 years of outreach training honestly nobody really cares about outreach training. If they did they would understand what I'm trying to do now. People would have came and talked to me things would be better than they should be.

Seems like a waste of time to me if the people are getting help but nobody really cares.