I was out with my girlfriend last night and got talking to a group of Dutch people. They were nice and bought drinks and we had fun I got too drunk and had to leave and as my girlfriend was leaving she hugged people goodbye and one guy grabbed her ass i don’t know if he meant it in a sexual way or what but I passed out so didn’t hear this until this morning My OCD brain now has this anger and anxiety swirling around in my head all day, I wish I could punch that guy because all my head is saying that I’m an idiot for being around them and that I look so stupid to my girlfriend! My heart has been Racing all day and the thoughts swirling. Am I overreacting in my head I’m never sure because of OCD tbh? Sorry for the rant just needed to get this out don’t want to say to my girlfriend incase it sounds psycho

Hi all, I’m new here and this is my first post. I was diagnosed with OCD back in March and started therapy, but was only able to complete a few sessions before my therapist had a baby. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 11 months and I’ve constantly been thinking about her past. More specifically something she told me that happened while her and I were speaking. In just two days it will be a year since she told me about the fact that she was assaulted by someone she met online. ( we both met online). It took place while we were talking. Originally when she told me, she told me she had sex with a guy she met online she told me she went over to watch a movie and then they had sex. Recently after we discussed it since it was weighing on my mind, she revealed to me that it wasn’t consensual and that she was sexually assaulted/raped. She told me she initially thought it was sex because it’s what she was sued to from her last relationship. She was abused and assaulted a lot by her ex, and this thing was normal for her. She said she didn’t realize how bad everything was until after we had been dating and she saw what true consensual sex was. The problem I have is that my brain knows every detail of what happened but keeps blaming her for her. My brain keeps telling me it was her choice and her fault and it justifies it by saying that she went over knowing it was a possibility he would want sex, so therefore it’s her fault. This has been straining me for so long because I can’t stop thinking about it. Everything seems to trigger a thought about it. I know inside what happened and what led to it, but I constantly think about it possibly being something else. I constantly think about every little detail. It has led me to having thoughts of “maybe I shouldn’t date someone that did this” as it doesn’t match my definition of the “perfect partner”. I have no idea what to do anymore. I obsess over things she had done with her ex in order to be loved by him. Like drinking, smoking weed, etc all things that I am against. I know she doesn’t do this anymore and was coaxed into it, but I’m constantly overwhelmed by thoughts of “she isn’t perfect because of XYZ so I shouldn’t be with her”. I won’t go into any details about the assault out of respect for her. I feel I’m constantly fighting myself and every good day I have gets overshadowed by one bad day :( I cannot see my therapist again until August and it worries me a lot.

I really, really need help right now. I don’t have a therapist and I can’t afford one at the moment. I think my OCD has latched onto the theme of consent, and I haven’t been able to stop spiraling for the last day. This feels like it’s either going to end badly or never end at all. A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I were really drunk. He told me he wanted to have sex. In that moment, I felt too drunk to be sure of how I felt. I told him that. He emphasized that he cared a lot about consent (he always has). One of his fears is being falsely accused. He was the one that told me that someone can be too drunk to consent a year-ish ago. My libido has been gone since starting birth control. Before that, I already had very little sex drive because of my OCD, but now it’s fully gone. I used to have a really high sex drive. I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years, and I don’t know what happened. All I know is that we did have sex. My memory isn’t perfect, but I know I enjoyed it. I was giggling at the start, and I think that says more about that night than anything else. I woke up and made sure to tell him that I didn’t regret it. But my OCD has latched onto the idea that if there wasn’t a clear “yes,” and I can’t remember it, then it wasn’t consent. That I felt pressured to please him, which even then that would fully be on me. I know that might sound extreme, but I can’t step out of that thought loop. Last night, I managed to calm down at some point. I told myself, and even texted my boyfriend, that **it wasn’t that deep** and I didn’t know why I was freaking out so much. But today I’m back to spiraling, partly because I have no sex drive anymore. I often make myself have sex, not because anyone is forcing me or threatening me, but because I know my boyfriend feels rejected, and I’ve been in that exact place and felt rejected before. I at least try, and I usually end up enjoying it, so I think that’s okay. I know that in long-term relationships, it’s normal to have sex out of convenience, comfort, or pragmatic reasons. Still, my OCD has latched onto the idea that this isn’t full consent, even though I’ve said yes in the past, because it’s always *after* I express that I don’t really want to or that I’m unsure. Obviously, he’s not going to lose his sex drive; that’s valid. I’m trying to keep things not-tense, make him feel loved, and just act normal, but my birth control and OCD have made me feel so unlike myself. It almost feels like my OCD is saying that my sex wasn’t consensual is true, and I’m trying to fight through it. I told my boyfriend last night, and he started to freak out too, because his worst fear is that he accidentally did something without consent. He asked if I felt like I didn’t give full consent. I want to say no, that I felt fine, but my OCD has made it feel so uncertain and vivid that it feels like something bad happened. I feel scared, and I don’t want to see my boyfriend in the way my OCD is painting him. I love him. He’s so sweet, caring, and such a beautiful soul. I hate that this feels so real. There have been multiple times where I’ve had sex out of convenience or to please him, and I think that’s okay. But right now, my OCD has made it feel like I was assaulted. I even feel the urge to confess to the world that I’m a victim, and I don’t understand why that’s happening. The urge to pretend something bad did happen. It feels very real. I don’t know if this is a compulsion? If anyone can help me, I would really appreciate it. I feel so conflicted and scared, like I’m ruining my relationship, and I feel like I can’t function. Maybe what I want is validation that I have big feelings and that I’m directing my anger at myself for pushing myself, not at my boyfriend, because he’s genuinely a sweetheart and would never hurt me. My OCD insists that because he was drunk, maybe he crossed a line. I keep getting little glimpses of what I think are false memories from how hard I’m trying to remember and make sense of whatever mess is going on in my head rn. I don’t understand why I’m looping on this, and he’s trying to be super understanding even though it scares him too. I just don’t know what to do. I miss him, I’m upset at him, I love him, I keep mentally blaming him. I feel insane please help. I’m making this post, but I’m so scared someone is gonna say my OCD is right. I’m so scared someone is going to believe my bf to be a monster. I want this to be my OCD so bad and I want it to shut up

I haven’t been able to stop spiraling since yesterday. I was next to my boyfriend, and his arm looked a little chubbier than usual. It reminded me of a guy I had a crush/hyper-fixation idk my brain just simply doesn’t let him go bc it feels ‘fun’ to think about the dude, but he’s also become the theme of some intrusions w/my ROCD. While I was noticing the arm similarity, I kissed my bf’s arm. I’ve been replaying it nonstop because it feels like it mean something. Why did I do that? It felt like I was genuinely looking at this other guy’s arm, not my bf’s. It doesn’t feel like the affection in that moment was directed at my bf at all. I feel worried. In the moment I only felt a little concerned which makes this seem worse. I’m scared that the affection I showed my boyfriend in that moment was actually meant for someone else, subconsciously or similarly. I feel so disrespectful and disloyal Idk I need input please