Anyone with HOCD/ROCD have any tips about going on a date when the thought of it makes you want to die of anxiousness? I’ve been talking to this guy on tinder who seems nice and everything but every time in the past that I’ve started talking to someone and say yes to a date, I literally cancel the next day cause I’m so deathly afraid. This isn’t even necessarily ocd’s fault I’ve always just been scared to death of this kinda thing but obviously having hocd, and what I believe is pre-rocd thoughts, make it seem literally impossible. But I WANT it. I think about having a boyfriend all the time. Ocd is so detrimental to everything you want it’s so frustrating. Ik- news flash haha. Anyways. Should I go? Is this bad timing- will I make everything worse for myself? He’s really cute and seems really nice. Jeez idk idk idk.

girl I’m literally the EXACT same and in the same scenario right now.. I think as hard as it is, actually going on the date is the best ERP, and the more we do it, the less scary and intimidating they will be.

Yes! You should definitely go! It will be anxiety enduring but when that subsided you’ll be great! I say go!!

yes!! and my brain comes up with the idea that they could be with someone better, or pictures him with other girls who are ‘prettier’. Which then feeds into my HOCD and tells me that I want to date a girl. Or that I’m not feminine enough for a guy to like me, or that if I dated a girl then I wouldn’t have that insecurity, or that if I don’t feel feminine enough, then I must be the ‘guy’ in the relationship and therefore i’m actually a boy? It all sounds so crazy and ridiculous but feels so real.

HAHAHAH wow I actually just gasped out loud because those EXACT thoughts have crossed my mind. Insane! You know sometimes we just have to say this shit out loud and it will extinguish itself. Here’s some- “The only reason I’m actually too anxious to go on a date is because my inner, subconscious, gay-dar antenna is furiously trying to tell me that I don’t like guys”. “The only reason why I stopped liking the guy I was infatuated with (who said he loved me after dating for two weeks and was talking about getting married and our children on the third week) is because I actually don’t even like men, so” “The show ‘Queer Eye’ makes me cry almost every episode and...and only gay people watch that and cry so. Gay.” I just.

here’s some of mine: “you love your friends so much and sex is an act of love so you want to have sex with your friends” “your discomfort around girls that ‘seem’ gay is because you’re attracted to them” “women are wonderful and deserve all the love so it is your responsibility to give it to them” (?) “you and this boy are bonding over something that your ocd has deemed ‘boyish’ so you must not actually be attracted to him and just want to be his ‘buddy’”

I want to start a thread of all of our own individual HOCD conclusions tmr. I feel like we could really relate to each other’s cause I definitely relate to those too!

These are so relatable lol Here's some of mine, if you don't mind: " As I've never been in a relationship (I have high standards lol) this is a proof I'm gay, even though I've always dreamed about being in a relationship with a man that I love." "As you've never watched straight porn, it means you're only sexually attracted to women, even though you've got turned on by reading straight porn. (I've always wanted my hypothetical future husband to be my first in every aspect of sex.)" Graphic warning: I've never touched myself, just rubbed my legs, which creates a nice feeling. "Since this all started, every time someone talks about coming out you get nervous. Maybe you were just closeted and ocd is an eye opener." "You're just nervous to admit it because you know your family wouldn't accept it." These hurt me so much. They all seem so real, they are destroying my life and taking away my happiness.

Oh.my.gosh. Lavander. I relate to this so so hard. “Because you’re family wouldn’t accept you”- that one has been the one that has really made the ocd stick. To someone on the outside that literally just looks exactly like someone who’s just afraid to come out. (Literally the words “come out” stress me out.) My rational side always thinks “wtf do I need to come out for??”. When I was younger I had the hugest problem with scrupulosity and guilt so whenever I had a sexually inappropriate thought, I immediately had to go confess it to my mom. There was a bunch of other stuff involving my school and me having to leave for a little bit but anyways. Guilt has been such a gigantic player in my life. I felt guilty for suffering with hocd when I knew my parents wouldn’t “accept” me. I know that makes absolutely zero sense. Once day I just cracked and absolutely HAD to confess to my mom what was happening. I felt like my ocd was screaming at me “once you hear that she would love you anyways, you’ll be fine and accept yourself!!”. At first she was like “no you’re not gay” and I was like “I know I know but I just need to hear that it would be okay if I was”. And she was like “I mean sure it would, there are so many gay people in the world!” I felt nothing. No comfort, no happiness, no tears of joy. It felt wrong, like why was I even asking for this?? I literally started laughing and when we got off the phone I was so embarrassed that that even happened and I resorted to my 7 year-old guilt confessionals. It’s not what you think it is Lavander, I promise. And as for ‘never been in a relationship’- I don’t even count the one month stint I had with this guy as a relationship because I literally hated it the entire time and it was just him that was madly in love with me (but then ended up cheating on me lol). That was two years ago, I’m in college and nothing has happened since. I could definitely see how ocd could use that as ammo but I’m just not letting it. I have very close friends my age that are straight and haven’t had boyfriends either- that doesn’t mean a thing. I know I know I’m SO being reassuring here??‍♀️ But Im just trying to restructure the black-and-white thinking ocd uses to come to the conclusions that it does. It’s NOT valid!!!!!

I was the exact same way and had been in a terribly abusive relationship before meeting my current boyfriend. I canceled out first date then felt so terrible about it. It was all I could think about. I almost cancelled again but decided to just go and we’ve now been dating for a year. Before the date I just sat down and focused on breathing and didn’t look at my phone until my alarm went off letting me know it was fifteen minutes before he said he’d pick me up. I just did everything to distract myself up until the last minute before the date and it went well and we’ve been together ever since.

Wow @jesspb, thank you so much for sharing that with me. It gives me hope to know that you can be extremely afraid before, and still have a good time during. My brain is just trying to convince me that it’s a terrible idea and it will go bad. I’m gonna do it. Thanks again, I’m so glad you found someone who makes you happy❤️

In going on a first date, normal people feel a tolerable amount of anxiety, anxious people feel more anxiety, and people who have ocd related to this topic feel an explosion of anxiety. Everything just seems against me. I want this for myself but I also literally feel like throwing up when I think about it.

I also have tragically low self-esteem so. Just a little tid bit there.

Ughh thank you! Okay. Okay okay. I’m just going to do it. I’m also (like the rest of us) super perfectionist so if it isn’t a GREAT date I’m probably gonna be really upset. I also just realized I’ve never really been on a first date. Oh God

Can anyone describe wtf a date is even like. I’m gonna throw up. What if I start having a panic attack.

Good luck!!! Just let yourself remember to have fun!

Dates are fun and excited getting to know someone knew! Sure they are scary to put yourself out there, but think of the new things you’ll learn about someone new!

Exciting*

And new* haha

Perfect!

I totally get caught by poor self esteem and the outrageous idea that someone could like me.. like my ocd has convinced me that I don’t deserve that happiness? which then leads to a loss of attraction and avoidance:( but it’s so nice to know that other people experience the same thing, and that we are capable of moving past it!!

Exactly!??? Like I couldn’t be in a relationship, I’m not fulfilling enough for someone else (is what happens in my brain). That EXACT thing (loss of attraction and avoidance) happened to me with the first guy that expressed a lot of interest in me. I was literally infatuated with him and then it all went down a hill of swirling anxiety when things finally started rolling. But yes. We DO deserve it!!

Thanks! Glad I can help. :-)

If any of you are still on this app and willing to talk to me i would love that. I am going through VERY similar situation right now 😪

Okay, thank you so much. I’ll try my hardest. No one is gonna die it’s literally going to be fine. It will be fineeee.

That’s such a great way to look at it. I actually love meeting people. I think it’s just the idea that the other person is supposed to like me that freaks me out. Like I can’t comprehend someone liking me. Like the true me. Honestly cause of how long I’ve had ocd. But I’ll try my best to just think about it from the perspective of just talking to a new person!

Haha I totally understood!!