Hi all. This is my first time posting on this, and I’m a little concerned about it, but recently my OCD has reached some new levels that are getting pretty overwhelming. It would mean a whole lot to me if some of you would read this and offer me your two cents. Today I was at my girlfriends house for a Passover dinner and nuts were out for a snack. Something about me that’s important to know for this story is that I have an extremely sever Peanut allergy - life threatening. I carry two epi-pens on me at all times. Back to the story, although I am only allergic to peanuts and no tree nuts, these nuts that were placed out were assorted tree nuts, that were likely coated with peanut oil. I lost control. This was the most out of control I have felt in years. I watched the mother eat a nut then take a taste test of the chicken. I was convinced I was going to have a reaction. Later we sat down at the table, and I was in complete fear. The father offered me matzo, but I was too afraid to have anything he touched. I even ended up looking at my girlfriend, who is well aware of my condition, that I was going to end up in the hospital for sure. All I could think about from that moment on was a two-hour mental clock that’s end would signify I would no longer be in danger of going into anaphylactic shock. I had no control and was shaking all throughout the dinner. I truly had no clue what to do and felt completely overrun. Just one day before that, I had another freak-out. This one took place on a vacation, where I had to apply sunscreen to myself. I was absolutely terrified that I had gotten poison ivy from earlier in the day and that I was rubbing it all over myself, and would one day in the near future wake up with it all over me. I tried to voice these concerns to my mother, but I just couldn’t listen to her answer. No matter what she says I dismiss it because I believe she has no clue what she’s talking about, while I, on the other hand, am a self-proclaimed poison ivy “expert.” I know this is terribly long but, here’s what I’m getting into. This condition has been tearing me apart. I am constantly in a state of unrest and I feel that it is tearing down my relationship, even though my significant other is typically understanding. The worst part is, as much as I want to never have OCD again, I am completely afraid to break free from it’s shackles. I believe that my OCD has always given me significant intelligence, and recently had even let me see the world in ways that I could never have before. I have always said that it is the silent killer. OCD is the most subtle death to anyone. It has torn me apart and managed to make me feel dependent on it. As much as I find it horrible, I find it beautifully; and I don’t want to lose something that could potentially make me who I am.

Hi, I wanted to make a post because I honestly feel really alone. This is going to be long, but please bear with me and let me know if you relate or have any advice. I’m currently dating quite possibly the best guy I’ve ever met. And by FAR the best guy I’ve ever dated. We have such a strong connection and it’s my first healthy, non toxic relationship. He treats me with so much understanding, respect and kindess. But heres the thing. I have truly terrible ADHD, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Panic Disorder and depression. And more specifically I’ve come to realize- ROCD. I constantly have thoughts about him not wanting me, lying to me, cheating on me, etc. I’ve seen a lot of posts about having ROCD where you doubt wanting to be with the other person- but I know with everything in me I want to be with this man. What I obsess about is him leaving me. I have constant anxiety, espescially since my PTSD kicked in about a year ago. Whenever I’m physically with him, I feel incredible. I literally do not get anxiety, and if I do its considerably less harmful- and hes there to hold me and comfort me. I have trouble eating because of my anxiety, but with him that’s never the case. We’ll have a great time- but the second I leave I begin to doubt how he feels. Whether he’s with another girl. Whether it’s too good to be true. Wondering when hes going to leave. These thoughts cycle and cycle in my head in a manner that is so all-consuming I can hardly focus on anything else. If I text him and I don’t get a text back I immediately assumt the worse. I thought at the beginning it was just because we hadn’t made it official, and when we did these feeljngs would do away. But then he made it official. And they didn’t. And then I thought when it got more serious they would go away. But then he told me he was falling in love with me( I felt the same). If anything, it made it worse. I told myself when he told me he was really in love it would get better. He did. We said I love you, and still. Constant worry. He’s not a great texter or caller, but I expressed to him how much I need communication and how much it bothers me when he doesn’t respond- and he apologized (WITHOUT getting defensive) and said that he would work on it. And he HAS. But still. It’s a cycle. The anxiety waiting for a text, the dopamine rush when I get it, respond, then wait and it starts again until he responds. Then again. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s tearing me apart. We’re open with each other- so everytime I get a thought I bring it up to him for reassurance. I explained to him that I’ve been hurt so badly before. The last time I was in love/my first love- was a narcissist who took my virginity by raping me and i stayed with him for a year and a half after that until it got to be too much physical and emotional abuse and he then fucked my best friend. Told everyone I was pathological when I tried to warn people about him. Every guy I’ve started to care about since then has lead me on or used me, and the less attention they gave me the more I needed it and the more I prioritized them. My dad was a narcissist who gave me love then would dissapear, or come back and I would have to take care of him as he was depressed and suicidal (I was 4) and to this day relies so heavily on me that when I don’t respond to him he says hes going to kill himself. I understand that I have severe abandonment issues, as well as trauma, and that I most definitely have an anxious attachment style. I’ve been trying so hard for the past two years to heal myself, but now its all the more important because I can tell that even though hes patient, it hurts him that I don’t feel secure, that I don’t seem like I trust him. I said that as time goes on and I get to knkw him more it’ll get easier, but I’m terrified that may not be the case. I’m so worried that I’m going to ruin this thing, that it will be a self fulfilling prophecy and that I’m missing out on this honeymoon phase, on being happy because I’m constantly worried about when it will be taken from me. I’m in therapy and we tlak about this a lot and I know it stems from my low self esteem and people-pleasing tendencies, but it doesn’t really seem to be helping all that much. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have advice?

Hi there! I was diagnosed with OCD when I was about 17 but never really understood it. I never knew there were so many subtypes of OCD. There are things that I do that I knew were OCD related like intrusive thoughts, excessive counting, and excessive organization. I used to take medication for it but I was young and didn’t think I needed it so I stopped taking it. As of lately, I’ve been going through a lot of stress and anxiety. I was already flirting with the idea of therapy but felt I had a good handle on life and told myself I could get myself through most issues, but lately I’ve even stressed and overwhelmed so I finally decided to make an appointment. In my therapy research I began doing more OCD research as well and realized that a lot of my life centers around OCD. I always thought it was just anxiety or feeling unsure about myself but after doing this research I’m starting to think my OCD is a lot worse than I thought it was. Sometimes I write an email at work and read it over several times to make sure I didn’t make a mistake, every night before bed I check several times that the stove/oven are off and that the doors are locked because I’m afraid my family and I will die overnight, I’ve come to learn that the counting makes me comfortable and that my cleaning and organizational preferences aren’t just “quirky”, I’ve learned that avoidance is a symptom of OCD which has also affected my work, when my loved ones are sleeping I always check to see that they’re still breathing, I reread directions several times to make sure I don’t miss anything or make a mistake, I press the lock button on my car several times even if I’ve already heard the beep, unread notifications on my phone make me anxious because I’m worried someone is trying to tell me bad news or someone is threatening me. The list goes on. I’m definitely interested in seeking more treatment and learning coping skills but I’m afraid it will change me as a person. I like who I am, what if I manage my organization skills and then I become too messy or I stop checking directions or things I wrote and I make too many mistakes, etc. I think I have to keep reminding myself that treatment will make me more comfortable in my own body and mind and that it is definitely a good choice and a step in the right direction. I really didn’t expect this post to be this long 😅 but getting all of this off my chest feels good! I’m open to any advice and/or words of encouragement. Thank you for your time

Hello, I never got formally diagnosed for OCD, they told me I have autism with ocd tendencies but I think I have more than just tendencies. I’ve been reading some of the posts and I’ve never related to something more. These past few weeks especially have been awful. Let me explain. 1. I have a boyfriend and I’m coming to realize I may have ROCD. I love him to death but I can’t get over the thought that maybe I’m just faking for his attention and I don’t actually like him and that he doesn’t actually like me and just feels sorry for me. Now I know none of this is true, but it feels intensely real to me and I’ve started avoiding him because of it. We still hang out and I try to get past these thoughts but its hard. 2. I’m trying to lower the dose of my meds because I miss having emotions but now they may be too low and my depression/anxiety is coming back. The other day it was so bad and the intrusive thoughts were awful and I had the urge to SH. I physically felt like I had to do it. My boyfriend was on the phone with me, I kept trying to hang up so I could go do it, he wouldn’t let me. It was the only thing I could think about. “Luckily”, not really that lucky, he fell asleep so I snuck to the bathroom to do it. I hated myself so much afterwards but also felt relieved that I did it. Then super guilty. Then I started thinking I only did it for attention. It’s so stressful and I feel the urge coming back and I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s many other intrusive thoughts and compulsions I’ve been having but those were just two of the main ones. I don’t know what to do/maybe I could try exposure or therapy but I really don’t want to. Thanks for reading!