Hi all. This is my first time posting on this, and I’m a little concerned about it, but recently my OCD has reached some new levels that are getting pretty overwhelming. It would mean a whole lot to me if some of you would read this and offer me your two cents. Today I was at my girlfriends house for a Passover dinner and nuts were out for a snack. Something about me that’s important to know for this story is that I have an extremely sever Peanut allergy - life threatening. I carry two epi-pens on me at all times. Back to the story, although I am only allergic to peanuts and no tree nuts, these nuts that were placed out were assorted tree nuts, that were likely coated with peanut oil. I lost control. This was the most out of control I have felt in years. I watched the mother eat a nut then take a taste test of the chicken. I was convinced I was going to have a reaction. Later we sat down at the table, and I was in complete fear. The father offered me matzo, but I was too afraid to have anything he touched. I even ended up looking at my girlfriend, who is well aware of my condition, that I was going to end up in the hospital for sure. All I could think about from that moment on was a two-hour mental clock that’s end would signify I would no longer be in danger of going into anaphylactic shock. I had no control and was shaking all throughout the dinner. I truly had no clue what to do and felt completely overrun. Just one day before that, I had another freak-out. This one took place on a vacation, where I had to apply sunscreen to myself. I was absolutely terrified that I had gotten poison ivy from earlier in the day and that I was rubbing it all over myself, and would one day in the near future wake up with it all over me. I tried to voice these concerns to my mother, but I just couldn’t listen to her answer. No matter what she says I dismiss it because I believe she has no clue what she’s talking about, while I, on the other hand, am a self-proclaimed poison ivy “expert.” I know this is terribly long but, here’s what I’m getting into. This condition has been tearing me apart. I am constantly in a state of unrest and I feel that it is tearing down my relationship, even though my significant other is typically understanding. The worst part is, as much as I want to never have OCD again, I am completely afraid to break free from it’s shackles. I believe that my OCD has always given me significant intelligence, and recently had even let me see the world in ways that I could never have before. I have always said that it is the silent killer. OCD is the most subtle death to anyone. It has torn me apart and managed to make me feel dependent on it. As much as I find it horrible, I find it beautifully; and I don’t want to lose something that could potentially make me who I am.

Aw of course!! Yes Ik- what a task right?? The past couple of years I’ve been really good about being 100% honest with myself and assessing exactly WHY I’m doing what I am doing. I guess judging myself, but in a healthy way? I guess you would need to build the skill of stopping yourself before you do anything that is a response to anxiety, or a preemptive tactic to avoid things that make you anxious. Ask yourself- am I doing this to avoid ocd anxiety? Am I doing this now because it triggered my irrational ocd fears? Be so very honest with yourself, even if it means you’ve said “yes but I just need to do it.” You don’t have to bully yourself, just start with honestly. After a while you’ll see allllll the convoluted ways ocd has manifested itself into your life and you’ll be able to pinpoint the exact things, feelings, and behaviors that are your ‘false’ protective behaviors. You can let them know that they don’t make you a better person. That you are already whole and good and worthy. You are keen, intelligent, and love yourself enough to know that those things were parts of you before these ocd behaviors EVER came along.

Acceptance and management of ocd will make life easier. Out of control “intrusive thoughts” will eventually lead to feelings of anxiety panic and depression. Awareness that this is a brain disorder and that it’s sending out false alarms will make it easier to manage. Ride above and over your ocd, let it be your passenger. You’re in the drivers seat.

Leah 25, you my friend, are a genius. I have never received such great advice from anyone. I seriously mean this and I hope you don’t take this lightly. You are incredible. Thank you so much. Please continue doing whatever the hell you are doing - your a frickin hero to me.

I’m so sorry you had that experience:/ Something I think could be super beneficial for you is finding your identity without the obsessions and compulsions (including avoidance). Once you separate it you will know exactly what to be attacking- and I promise you will NOT be less of a person for it. Everything good about you is not how well you “protect” yourself from perceived dangers. You are a much more intricate and beautifully designed person than just that- and you can find him!! The other side of ocd is peace, wholeness, and authentic confidence.

Hi Leah25, thank you so much for that. That seriously is some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten - even with years of therapy. I just have one question since you seem so knowledgeable! How on Earth do I separate myself from the OCD to find my true identity

Oh my gosh I don’t take that lightly at all, friend. I am so happy to be able to support each other- we are ALL going through our days just trying our best. Thank you so much. I’m rooting for you!!!

Thank you Mike, you too are fantastic. That’s very helpful advice. Now I just have to put it in action.