How do I get my family to understand some of what I am going through and how the actions that they do could make it worse? I wish they weren’t so judgmental of the things I do. I truly feel like I can’t help it.

My family literally is always against me and doesn’t understand my ocd at all. They are all so stubborn and don’t make an effort to even empathize with me and always make me the bad guy. I’m just so tired of no one being on my side and my family saying all these derogatory things to me. Even if I make a small mistake, it is the end of the world for them and they all gang up and won’t speak to me properly for days as a result. 😔

I feel so lousy right now. A few of my family members aren’t speaking to me and my dad said it was because I didn’t go to any family functions the last few weeks. For one, I’m 39. I’m not 15. But also, I haven’t gone because I’ve been in such a mental health HOLE that I can’t be around groups of people right now. In any capacity. My family doesn’t believe in mental health issues at all, so explaining anything to them would be impossible. I’ve tried. They just think you’re weird and that they’ll catch it from you or something. I’ve reached out to my cousin and aunt twice now separately and apologized for not being able to see them while I’m in town. And neither one of them will respond to me. Makes me feel SO awful and that I should just unalive myself. People are so terrible and I hate feeling like I have no one in the world. 😭 I see people with incredible, supportive family and just can’t understand why I didn’t have that. Sometimes I really hate life. They treat me like a disease 😭

Today has been awful thoughts. It’s just getting worse and it feels like real thoughts and feelings even though I’ve been fighting it. I wish I could explain how bad it is to my parents. How do you tell anyone you’re having horrible horrible thoughts of sexually harming others and other terrible things?And there’s events from my past that make me not want to do anything because I feel like I deserve to be jailed. I’m worried I won’t be able to get a job because I can’t act like a normal person, or learn to drive. My mom said I need something to keep my occupied, find some classes to take. And she’s right but I’m worried I can’t even focus on that and again I feel like it’s a waste because I feel like I deserve to be in jail. I’m 21 I feel like such a failure. I don’t know how to get help, I really feel like I don’t want to live anymore, it feel like the only way out. But I don’t want to hurt anyone and I don’t want my family to feel at fault. I don’t have any diagnosis so it just all feels too real. It’s CONSTANT thoughts about harming others. It feels real, it sounds proud and almost like it’s mocking in my head. I feel like I’m voluntarily thinking these things. I don’t understand why this has happened and why it’s gotten so bad. I know in my heart I have ZERO desire to be this person. I’m sorry I keep posting so much, it’s just so difficult.