Anonymous

TW: I’m so desperate lately. I can’t sleep, eat or do anything else than feeling anxious and unworthy, full of guilt. A couple of days ago I had sex with my boyfriend and wasn’t turned on and suddenly I thought about something that would turn me on in that moment, thought of different things and suddenly I thought „Just think about children, just this one time“ and I feel like I didn’t do anything against it, I even think I enjoyed it and since then I’m full of fear because I always thought OCD means you do not have these thoughts because you want them but because you can’t control them and you do not act on them. But now I feel like I have and I can’t stop thinking I really am a pedophile now. I feel so anxious depressed and guilty and I do not know what to do, I went to my therapist today and she said it’s my POCD, but I feel like a liar, I’m feeling like maybe I don’t have POCD, I am just denying what I truly am it is horrible I don’t know what to do or think. I’m lost

Need some advice here as I feel like such a sick twisted person..I feel like I may have sexual intrusive thoughts ocd but sometimes I think it’s just me and my twisted brain- intrusive thoughts about my family members has turned into pedophilia ocd and what makes it worse is that I work with children. Lately I’ve been seeing sexual intrusive images of me sexually abusing young children normally male, and I am obviously distressed by them and I would never act on that but it makes me feel like I would actually do that cause of the feeling I would get and it’s all so confusing and scary cause I would never do that to a child. Please someone help that has maybe been through a similar experience?

i'm sorry in advance for how long this post is and if it's to much information. i'm undiagnosed but have been struggling with compulsions and intrusive thoughts since i was 7 or 8. My worst intrusive thoughts theme has been about p*d*phil*s. I've been dealing with it since my freshman and sophomore year but these thoughts didn't become debilitating until June of last year. I had a panic attack and confessed to my parents about these intrusive thoughts. They were obviously shocked and share. I felt so ashamed and like a monster. After talking with my dad he said we would see a therapist about it. Sadly we never did the first appointment we were late and missed are spot and the second appointment i sprained my ankle the night before so instead i was in the hospital. After that i closed myself off i tried dealing with them on my own using sources like NOCD and stuff. I did try to bring up going to therapy to my parents. Every time they would ask me if the intrusive thoughts were back and I would lie saying "no i just would like to go to therapy" I was so scared they'd be afraid of me and stop loving me, especially my mom. Eventually after awhile my parents forgot about it and I tried ignoring these intrusive thoughts because I was so focused and stressed from school. I decided I could just wait till I turn 18 and schedule myself into therapy. recently though my intrusive thoughts have gotten worse. I recently had a convo with one of my friends who has intrusive thoughts as well and she's encouraging me to talk to my parents. I'm asking y'all what should I do. As much as I'm scared I want to get help because I'm sick of living and feeling like i'm day away from acting on my intrusive thoughts.