TW: contains discussion of abuse

At this point, I don’t even know if it’s HOCD or really me and I’m just using OCD as a gateway. I can’t even recognize myself anymore. I was trying to do exposure by watching videos of women coming out to their husbands and instead of sitting with the anxiety, I just dug into the rabbit hole that is TikTok and looked into more videos. Then, I went into YouTube and saw different videos (again instead of choosing one because I couldn’t decide which video to do the exposure on - because I wanted to make sure whatever video I chose it would be the one that would work on ERP but it backfired). Anyways I am confused I don’t know what to do…I think I’m bisexual, however my OCD still likes to play onto that and say that I’m using it as a gateway from being a lesbian or that I’m supposed to be with a woman or that I’m not going to succeed in my marriage because I haven’t been with a woman. A little backstory, my mother has paranoid schizophrenia ( she got it from the military and it is the reason why she got discharged). Anywho, she would see and hear things that were not there (hallucinations). One of the many hallucinations would be “hearing revelations from God” My mom always thought to have this gift from God where she would say that He would tell her what would happen in the future or would tell her things about people. Anyways she used to always tell me God told her I was gay and whenever I had a crush on a boy she would say I was faking it. It went as far as her keeping my sister away from me because she said God told her I would do things to her. So my sister and I could barely see each other and Lord forbid my sister and I were alone together! If she looked away for a split second and saw my sister was next to me, she would hit me because God told her I did something I wasn’t supposed to. Even though I knew I didn’t hurt my sister, due to this trauma, I have grown with a lot of self trust issues - not counting the other traumas I went through at the hands of my mom (spiritual, physical, emotional)….and I was se*ually abused as a child by other people so it’s hard for me to be intimate…but OCD likes to use it as if it was a woman I would have no issue being intimate etc. I have a lot of spiritual trauma too as my mon usually said she had a vision that I was dead or that God told her my days were being counted because I was a bad person.

Username: JB1020JB1020

Date posted: 2y ago

Hi. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're very strong for admitting all this and asking for help. I'm sorry you were sexually abused and had to go through all those other traumatic experiences. It shows incredible bravery in my opinion to face all that down. Seeing as you're on NOCD and asking classic OCD questions in the vein of "is it really OCD or is this just how I am"... it seems to me very much an OCD issue. Do you have an OCD therapist that can help with exposures? You may need to take smaller steps with exposures and take precautions to avoid the rabbit-holes - such as timing the exposures, or having a friend or someone check in at a certain time to ensure you've moved on from them, etc... You can do this. Take one issue, one theme at a time. Things become so much more clear once we get past the constant anxiety that a certain theme brings up. Re-commit to exposure therapy at the pace you need, but get it done. You have pushed through so much already, you can push through this!

Username: AnonymousOCD23AnonymousOCD23

Date posted: 2y ago

My husband is very aware and know about my OCD so typically he helps me or reminds me when I’m falling into a compulsion. I’m in therapy and do ERP and it tends to work at times but when I do it by myself…that’s when it gets so hard…especially on TIKTOK because it’s tempting to keep scrolling. Thank you so much for messaging! I will try to be more graceful…I think I get very impatient in wanting to heal already and I feel like it wouldn’t be OCD if it didn’t feel real and if it was a quick overnight fix.

Username: stephhstephh

Date posted: 2y ago

i think sometimes when trauma triggers such close obsessions that we hold onto, ocd can latch onto the real life confusion and shame from the experiences and try to convince us we’re permanently broken forever in an inconceivable and irreparable way from it. even if your ocd comes from a real place (some of my more taboo main themes do too), you’re not broken and it can get better. it’s a lot about self trust, like you said. a lot of that trust, at least for me, comes from trying to sit with the confidence that i didn’t deserve it, no one does, and that what my brain did to protect me through it isn’t something to be ashamed of and only something to accept and try to recover from.

Username: AnonymousOCD23AnonymousOCD23

Date posted: 2y ago

The line between it being real and OCD feels incredibly thin…completely confused with myself because of how real it feels! I was so ashamed of my OCD and I still am in front of a few people because I’m afraid they will think of the wrong thing (especially harm related OCD because I’m a mama and even though I would never hurt my baby, I can’t control what others will think when I open up).

Username: stephhstephh

Date posted: 2y ago

@AnonymousOCD23 for real! i’m actually queer and gay and still struggle sometimes w/ ocd around it saying i’m faking, i think what we have to accept is that we make the decisions to be with people who feel good for us, whether there’s possible theoretical attraction to other types of people isn’t real relevant if we live according to our values, maintaining our healthy relationships and accepting the uncertainty of just staying with that and trying to accept ourselves just as we are exactly where we’re at.

Username: AnonymousOCD23AnonymousOCD23

Date posted: 2y ago

@stephh To me what comforts me is knowing that sexuality is grey and not so black and white but I don’t know if that comfort stems from an Compulsion or one that rings truth to my life…I guess I need to be ok not knowing 1000%…all I know is that I haven’t been able to stay present, even enjoy my marriage at times because of how consumed I am by my thoughts…sometimes it feels perfect being with him and other times I’m bombarded with questions that create huge distress and doubt. I just want it to work more than anything. One random thought though, as someone who grew up around a toxic marriage (my mother and stepdad), I think the media (for me movies growing up), didn’t show a healthy example of what love is. Instead, they showed the honeymoon phase of a relationship and so, I had to do a lot of learning of what love is. How is not just a feeling but an action and an art form that one continues to get better at. That it’s not something that you just find but continue creating…idk but I think everyone has a different definition of what love is …ok I’m just ranting at this point 😂

Username: ZealousZealous

Date posted: 2y ago

Holy smokes that’s horrible. I’m so glad you know now that those were hallucinations and delusions and not an actual reflection of who you are!!! Most likely your OCD absolutely stems from that, and will most likely fade as you continue to establish your independence as a person from your mom. I’m so sorry!!!

Username: AnonymousOCD23AnonymousOCD23

Date posted: 2y ago

As a little girl, I thought I was a punishment and I thought I was cursed by God because my existence alone was bad. I genuinely thought my mom had a heavenly gift in which she would have premonitions from God. It wasn’t until I was 13-14 I realized my mom’s visions and “prophecies stem from her sickness. Although I always knew she was different from the other moms (she was never affectionate with me, never hugged me, never read to me, spent time with me unless there was an altercation or beating or had to watch over me to “make sure I didn’t do anything bad”). But as a little girl, I believed my mom for a long time, I thought I was the disgusting human being she thought I was

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

Ok... I was doing good until a few weeks ago. I really was making a lot of progress until a few weeks ago. Backdoor spikes turned up and ocd came back with full force. Or at least I think it's ocd... I hope it is. My theme is hocd, by the way. I try to not give the thoughts much attention, but they're making me mad. It feels so real, and when I see coming out stories it just adds up, as if I should come out too. It terrifies me, every day I think about wanting to die, to not wake up, to cease existing. It's been so draining, and so lonely. I don't want to be in the closet, I don't want to have romantic relationships with women. And ocd makes me question why that: because of my morals? What if your sexuality goes deeper than your morals and you're just denying you like women? Maybe you should try it out, you'd like it. This scares me so. much. And the thing is: I watch same sex porn. It turns me on. I've seen on the internet many women actually watch same sex porn, but ocd makes me question if my case isn't different from other women. All the time I'm worried that I'll just lose control and kiss any woman that's by my side. I haven't had any experience with men either, as I'm reserved and a hopeless romantic (high expectations). I've liked men before, though, and I still have many crushes today. Ocd tries to convince me this is just a cover up. This is just destroying my life. This is daily torture, I can't imagine myself living with this forever. What am I supposed to tell my eventual boyfriend, my husband? How am I supposed to have children in this state of mind? What if some day I just snap out of this and actually realize I'm gay? What if this question is actually me already admitting that I am in fact gay? Honestly, it's too much. This was quite hard to write, and I tried to include here as much as possible of my insecurities. If you read till here I'm grateful. Just wanted to say that I DON'T have anything against gay people, even though they're making me very anxious since this all started, which adds up to my endless collection of intrusive thoughts (it makes me think I'm in denial because of some prejudice).

Username: hihey

Date posted: 4y ago

I’m new to this app and just wanted to share my story. As a young girl I definitely had compulsions. My mom always told me she would take me to a psychiatrist (I would cry when people sat on my bed). Anyways, as I got older I definitely grew out of a lot of things. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but I have GAD. I know I definitely have OCD because I have done a lot of research. Recently I have really, really been struggling with HOCD. I’ve never experienced this before, and that’s why it’s making it more scary. I’m a young adult woman and have been in a very serious relationship with a male for many years. I love him so much. I am also very athletic and not very girly. I always loved the fact that I was a guys gal, but lately it has made me super insecure. A lot of people at school assume I’m bisexual because I’m super pro LGBTQ rights and idk? Idk why I give off that “vibe”. It never bothered me, I always thought it was funny, and I have no issue with being gay, but I’m definitely not?! During this quarantine my guy friends have said I have way way more guy friends than girl friends, someone asked my teammate if I was bisexual, and I have never had an orgasm from my boyfriend. It started really getting in my head and I keep being like “am I gay and that’s why I don’t orgasm”. This seems so pathetic and writing this actually helps and makes me realize there is no way I like women. But anyways THE THOUGHTS DO NOT STOP. I keep worrying that I do not know myself, and maybe I don’t love my bf, and maybe other people see something I don’t. Anyways, how can I help myself? I am noticing I’m reassuring and checking and starting compulsions

Username: linds💕

Date posted: 2y ago

Why is soocd so confusing?? Anyone else’s OCD just bring up past experiences and make you believe that it could mean you’re the opposite sexual orientation you are? I identify as a straight female but in the past I had thoughts I could have been bi so it made me think I was even though I’ve never actually liked a girl? Idk. I’m so confused. I’m not attracted to women, I’ve always been super boy crazy. I just feel super alone in this regardless of all the similar experiences other people go through. I can’t watch tv, work is really hard because I have to talk to other women, certain clothes trigger me, hanging out with friends is hard, being lovey to my boyfriend is hard, even looking at myself is hard. I don’t feel like me. I’m just so confused and so lost. My OCD really sparked back in October and since it’s just gotten progressively worse. I have therapy today, and I’m looking forward to it. Anxiety and OCD is so hard. It effects me of every moment of every day, in everything I do. Im just so tired. Anyone have exposures that may help with this??

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TW: contains discussion of abuse

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