- Username
- AnonymousOCD23
- Date posted
- 2y ago
TW: contains discussion of abuse
At this point, I don’t even know if it’s HOCD or really me and I’m just using OCD as a gateway. I can’t even recognize myself anymore. I was trying to do exposure by watching videos of women coming out to their husbands and instead of sitting with the anxiety, I just dug into the rabbit hole that is TikTok and looked into more videos. Then, I went into YouTube and saw different videos (again instead of choosing one because I couldn’t decide which video to do the exposure on - because I wanted to make sure whatever video I chose it would be the one that would work on ERP but it backfired). Anyways I am confused I don’t know what to do…I think I’m bisexual, however my OCD still likes to play onto that and say that I’m using it as a gateway from being a lesbian or that I’m supposed to be with a woman or that I’m not going to succeed in my marriage because I haven’t been with a woman. A little backstory, my mother has paranoid schizophrenia ( she got it from the military and it is the reason why she got discharged). Anywho, she would see and hear things that were not there (hallucinations). One of the many hallucinations would be “hearing revelations from God” My mom always thought to have this gift from God where she would say that He would tell her what would happen in the future or would tell her things about people. Anyways she used to always tell me God told her I was gay and whenever I had a crush on a boy she would say I was faking it. It went as far as her keeping my sister away from me because she said God told her I would do things to her. So my sister and I could barely see each other and Lord forbid my sister and I were alone together! If she looked away for a split second and saw my sister was next to me, she would hit me because God told her I did something I wasn’t supposed to. Even though I knew I didn’t hurt my sister, due to this trauma, I have grown with a lot of self trust issues - not counting the other traumas I went through at the hands of my mom (spiritual, physical, emotional)….and I was se*ually abused as a child by other people so it’s hard for me to be intimate…but OCD likes to use it as if it was a woman I would have no issue being intimate etc. I have a lot of spiritual trauma too as my mon usually said she had a vision that I was dead or that God told her my days were being counted because I was a bad person.