Hi, i don’t know if this is rOCD or not but here is my story…. we’ve been together for almost year and 6 months and i was never more in love with somebody as I’m with him. he is everything i ever wanted. during our “honeymoon phase” of relationship i felt all those butterflies, love, fulfilment but all of the sudden, just in one night, everything changed. that night the thought that crossed my mind was: “ what if i don’t love him and i want to break up.” then panic attackt came. from that day, i’m having intrusive and unwanted, intense obsessive thoughts about rightness and certainty of my relationship. i’m constantly doubting my feelings towards my boyfriend. “Do i love him enough?” , “is he a right person for me?” , “what if i lose feelings for him?” , “what if i loss feelings?” , “what if i want to break up but i don’t know how to?” , “what if i’m not attracted to him anymore, do i see him ugly?, “what if i cheat?” and so on. after all those questions i NEED an instant answer. is it right, is he the one, will we be together forever?, will we have kids together?,…i was seeking for reassurance with constant googling thinks like “do i love my partner” , “ is my partner enough” or “is it time for break up”. solving these quizzes i was praying that results will say “don’t break up, you love each other, he is the one”. after that i would be in temporary relief. after some time another thought or trigger would come and the cycle would go again; obsessive thinking, panic attacks, anxiety,…. every day, all day i’m just thinking about that and i have feelings of deep shame and guilt, i would feel numb and like something is wrong with me. also i would just start to cry and i would be very sad, than after i found reassurance that my relationship is fine, i would be relived and happy. of course, after million google researches i found the term rOCD which stands for relationship obsessive compulsive disorder and relationship anxiety. more precisely, i found a website “awaken into love” whose founder is Kyiomi. a woman who experienced all my thoughts and feelings. i felt so happy knowing i’m not the only one because i was sure that something was wrong with me. i told to my mom and sister what thoughts i’m having, and all what my mom told me was “than you should break up”. i was so miserable. i didn’t want to hear anything about breaking up, i just wanted someone to tell me “lucija you don’t want to do ja that!” . i was scared. no one understood me, and seeing a lot’s of other people having exact same problem as i do, made me feel much more better. i was researching, i watched yt videos and everything about rOCD and it helped me but not for too long. thoughts came back, numb feelings and anxiety came back and now i’m feeling like there is no escape. constantly thinking about rightness of my relationship even when i know that i wouldn’t act this way. moreover, if i want a break up i wouldn’t be needy, emotional or even relived when i see him in person. probably i wouldn’t want to see him at all. he is my safe place. my home. and now saying that, i’m feeling like i’m lying to myself and to him, but deep down i know I’m not. i just can’t wait to see him again. a lot of the time i find myself obsessively looking at his photos on my phone to make sure i’m attracted to him and if in some photos he is less attractive, i find myself being overwhelmed and anxious. but, on the other and hand, if i find him attractive in some photos i would be happy but instant trigger would come “you’re lying to your self”. because of my thoughts and feelings i feel a lot of distance between my boyfriend and me, even if we love each other and we are having same values and aspects of view at our common future. i’m having a fear of abandonment, a fear of losing my partner, a fear of loss, i have a deep fear of losing someone i care most about. can please someone just tell me if this is what i truly hope it is, i don’t want to lose the most important person in my life:(

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.

Hi. I wanted to stop posting here, but I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m feeling so lost. I’m in a relationship that, from the outside, looks wonderful. We’ve been together for 2 years. He loves me deeply. He’s kind and caring. And still… I can’t feel anything. I can’t imagine a future with him — living together, starting a family, growing old. When I try, it feels like something in me shuts down, like it’s wrong. I don’t feel happiness in the relationship. I don’t feel love, warmth, or comfort. I feel anxiety, numbness, guilt, and fear. We fight over the smallest things. My thoughts scream that I don’t love him, that I’m forcing this, that I’m just used to him. The scariest part is: sometimes I feel okay, even calm. And that’s when it hits me — “What if this calm means I’ve accepted the truth? What if I don’t love him?” It feels like I’m in shock. Like I’m finally seeing clearly… but I’m terrified that it’s a clarity I never wanted. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I just know that I’m exhausted. And I want peace. If anyone else has felt this — the numbness, the fear, the doubt that feels like the truth — please tell me how you’ve gotten through it. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this. i know that people reading this will tell me to leave. but i dont have any reasons. All the problems started because of my never ending thoughts. i feel like i ruin everything. i feel like i have changed. im so lost and scared. i dont understand what is happening. It feels so real. im in agony, im crying so much. I wasnt always like this. i am trying to remember times i felt better and i cant. i cant feel anything. its so hard. i can’t explain how i feel and in scared what are you going to respond if someone will. i usually see “if you feel so bad then leave” but its not like that. he loves me so much and if the thoughts werent there it would gave been so different. everything was perfect. but i keep thinking that when the thoughts started, one and a half years ago, i realised that “i just dont like him” and gbat i couldn’t accept the truth and i am denying it. i feel fake. do i even have rocd? or is this cope?? why do i feel like this. why does it feel so real? please somebody help me

Hi everyone, I really need help and guidance because I feel like I’m falling apart and I don’t know how to handle this anymore. Please read carefully what I’m about to say. I’m dealing with ROCD (at least people tell me it sounds like ROCD), but everything feels too real, too intense, and I feel like I’m losing myself completely. I feel like I’m stuck in my mind all day long. I keep thinking that I don’t love my boyfriend anymore, that I never loved him, that I only wanted the idea of a relationship and that I forced myself to feel something because he is such a good person. My intrusive thoughts say: • “You don’t love him.” • “You never loved him.” • “You’re forcing yourself.” • “You only liked the idea of love.” • “You’re ruining him and yourself by staying.” • “The relationship is wrong.” • “You’re a bad person for pretending.” And my FEELINGS are worse than the thoughts — I feel NOTHING when I’m with him. When I hug him, kiss him, or hear his voice, I feel disconnected. I feel numb, empty, fake. Sometimes I even feel disgusted when we are intimate or when he says something sexual, and then I feel huge guilt and anxiety about that. When we’re talking or when I’m with him in bed, I constantly think: “I don’t like him anymore,” “Why am I here?” “Why can’t I feel anything?” “Maybe I just want to escape this relationship and I’m not brave enough.” And now, I’m starting to feel that I’m not even upset about the thoughts anymore — which makes me think “See? It’s true, you’re finally accepting it.” This scares me so much. When I look at our old pictures, I feel no warmth, no happiness, just anxiety or nothing at all. When people ask me about him or mention him, I feel flat or uncomfortable, and my mind screams again: “You don’t love him anymore.” Even worse: my family sometimes says things that make me spiral more. My mom told me that I’m lying to myself and that I’m hurting him by staying, and that I need to stop if I don’t love him anymore. I know she didn’t mean it badly — she sees me suffering every day and it’s too hard for her to watch — but those words stuck in my head and now I can’t get them out. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t know what my values are, or what I want. I know I care about him — but then I think maybe I only care because I’m a good person and don’t want to hurt him, not because I love him. When I’m out with him, I often feel irritated, anxious, uncomfortable — and this fuels the thoughts even more: “See? You can’t even enjoy time with him anymore.” I know that logically I should sit with these feelings and thoughts and not give them power. But it feels unbearable. I’ve read so much about ERP, I’ve tried to understand this logically — but it’s like no matter how much I read or try, it doesn’t help. It feels like my mind is now saying: “No, this is different — this is the truth.” I feel alone because I have no one to talk to. Whenever I try to talk to my mom or someone close, it only makes things worse because I feel more confused and guilty. Even when I try to write here, it feels compulsive sometimes — but I’m desperate. I just want to stop suffering. I am exhausted. I am afraid that I will go to the beach with him and our friends in one month and I will feel horrible there too, ruining everything. I am afraid that I can’t be happy anymore and that the only solution is to leave — but that also terrifies me, because I don’t know if it’s the truth or OCD. Please, if anyone can give me some advice on how to sit with this and start healing, I would be so grateful. I feel like I have no strength left. I just want to feel peace again.