Am I suicidal or not

I’ve been dealing with intrusive violent images/urges/thoughts for months now. Lately it’s gotten worse. Sometimes when I see a person i automatically imagine hurting them, sometimes to see if I enjoy the thought or not, or sometimes it just appears in my head and I try to cut it off immediately. It’s like i just can not interact with people because I can’t tell if I’m a risk or not. If I’m capable of hurting them or not. I hate it because I’m all day trying to get an answer to whether I want to harm people or not. I’m constantly asking myself: have you ever desired the thought? Do you want to do it or not? And all of the above makes me feel anormal and like a psycho. And of course, another doubt comes into my head: do you really don’t want to be a bad person? And it’s a never ending disturbing and frustrating cycle... I can’t stop it, it’s driving me crazy and it makes me desperate. Is all this even normal?

I just joined this app today and need someone to understand me or just listen to me. I have been suffering from extremely violent and gruesome intrusive thoughts mainly regarding my 3 year old toddler. I have noticed a peak in my intrusive thought struggle with a mass shooting occurs. I have a debilitating fear of a school shooting happening at my sons daycare. I am not going to get into the details but it is just so sickening that I can’t even type out what my head thinks. My problem is I self sabotage by reading about shootings until the story consumes me. Most recently the Highland Park shooting. I am worried because it has gotten to the point where I simply CANNOT sleep without taking something that knocks me out, otherwise I lay in bed with my chest so tight I can’t breathe letting these horrible visions play over and over again. I don’t want to be dependent on a downer to put me to sleep and an upper to get me through the day. This is the first time I am sharing my experience and it feels really good to get this off my chest. Please if anyone has gone through this and can offer anything please share it with me. I can’t go on like this

Hi, so I’ve been dealing with OCD for the past four years intrusive thoughts and all. At first it started with being scared of panic attacks then the thoughts went to being scared I’d harm myself and now they’re associated around harming other people especially my family which is very very scary. It feels like I’m deeply rooted a bad person. I can’t even tell anyone my thoughts. It also makes me confused on if I want these thoughts. I’m not even sure if I have any compulsions bc I try to just ignore the thoughts and distract myself. Lately I’ve noticed my anxiety getting a lot worse Notjhing seems to calm it down anymore and I just want to stay alone in my bed and make it all go away. I’m scared I’m scared of myself and I’m scared these thoughts could happen one day and I’m scared I want them. Sometimes my thoughts can make me feel like that… does anyone have any good resources im doing ERP but it’s so expensive. I haven’t tried medication but I want to I’m just scared it will make me worse or make me gain weight. But I’m at the point where I’m desperate and something needs to change bc I can’t live like this. I feel like I’m fighting my thoughts all day. And one second I feel confident I’m ok and the next my whole body gets hot and I feel like it’s all possible and I want these thoughts. Someone please give me advice?