In need of support please :(

Hello! I want to introduce myself, I am Pamela. I am currently pregnant 28 weeks. I have developed Harm OCD with myself and others. and I feel as if I have Pure OCD as well. I felt as though I was getting better but the thoughts have came back and they seem a lot more scarier. I feel like I can’t do this pregnancy thing and the whole family thing. I just recently quit my job because I can’t get adequate sleep at night anymore and My anxiety is soooo bad all the time, especially at work. I am also struggling with being afraid of developing what mental illness my mother had. I have been afraid of being possessed by a demon because I KNOW this isn’t me. I have always been scared of those kinds of things anyway, I had watched something with Jeffery Duhmer and a few other things and now I have been worried what if I’m like him , I used to think how could someone do those kinds of things and now I’m thinking what if I want to do those things?? what if I have no emotion? I haven’t been able to cry lately, i feel sort of numb and that also scares me because normally I would cry over a movie, or something silly. I want to cry, I want to be genuinely happy and I want to feel the way I did before I developed this terrible illness. I feel crazy to be even talking about my thoughts, and I feel stupid . I have started Zoloft maybe a month and a half ago and I am also worried that the medicine isn’t working properly and is making me worse. I haven’t stopped taking it but I definitely have thought about it. But I’m also worried that if I do stop taking it my anxiety and depression will get worse. Here lately I have been feeling like I will never get better and I just want to die, I have been wanting to birth this baby and just give her to my boyfriend and then go away , I don’t know where I’d go but I feel as though I don’t deserve to be here anymore. Im so tired , like exhausted but I keep pushing like I’m not. I keep pretending that I am happy. I don’t know what to do or where to start. Please someone help me in what I need to do to begin my journey, even though I’m completely and utterly terrified to do just about anything because I’m scared of triggering these thoughts , or even new ones .. Please I am really not looking for reassurance, I just wanted to share what I personally have been going threw, and I want options on what I should begin with to get better ?

Don’t know how to feel anymore. I went to my 1st prenatal appt today to confirm the pregnancy. I saw the heartbeat and saw the fetus and sac and everything. Fetus has a good heartbeat all looks well. I got sad and tears eyed when I saw the ultrasound because I feel like a sad, lost and confused soul. I didn’t feel maternal when I saw the ultrasound. The dr asked if I even wanted to see and hear the heartbeat since I told her I want sure if I wanted to continue with it. I insisted . She did prescribe Zoloft in a higher dose than I had before which I think was 50mg. I have another appt next week to make my decision. Otherwise if I continue with the pregnancy my next prenatal would be in 12 weeks(I’m apparently 7 weeks 1 day.) My thoughts which had subsided and weren’t causing me as much stress anymore started ruminating again. Telling myself I can’t live with uncertainties not when it comes to bringing a child into this world and even without the thoughts I feel as if I just don’t see myself being a mother and doing the whole mother thing. I was thinking “ maybe if it’s a boy I’ll keep it, but I can’t have a girl” who thinks like this?? Then this morning before my appt I really started thinking like “ doesn’t matter what the gender is ... what if you’re attracted to your child or abuse them eventually because the thoughts won’t ever end. To make matters worse by bf seems to think I’m gonna go through with the pregnancy , sees it as a fur sure thing and asks everyday if I’ve take my prenatals and stuff. I feel so sad as a human being. The whole country seems to be focused on the elections and the pandemic and I’m Worried about my thoughts, being a “ P” feeling like I am one. There’s a battle /war in my head about keeping or terminating. I’m just trying to be a “ normal” person and live a day at a time. I wish I had none of these worries.

I have been medicated for OCD since I was 7. Now I am 29 and my husband and I are wanting to have kids soon. I am worried about how being on medication that long will affect my fertility. I am also worried about if I will be able to get off of my medication while pregnant. I think I need to be medicated for my mental health but I am terrified at what the medication could do to my baby. All the Drs I have talked to say it’s fine but honestly I don’t trust them. I have been reading medial articles and studies that say that the medication I am on (Lexapro) can cause harm to my fertility and to an unborn baby. Has anyone else dealt with this?