I forgot what I said exactly I had to do/say while counting my pulse and trying to get it “just right”. Then I said something along the times of. If I didn’t, my heart rate would be high. Now it feels like it’s scary because I can’t remember and it’s higher.
I’m a somatic OCD sufferer for over 50 years. A checker, watcher, etc. Every bodily function I have or you too, I know about! And you know where it got me? Nowhere. Nothing ever happened. Turn the what ifs into so what’s. Let the voices hash it out but keep them in the background. Never try to silence them or the louder they will cry.
@Scotchann Wow! You know how it feels for sure than with 50 years! I don’t know how to not worry or stress about what I forget or can’t remember. Then I say things like “If I don’t do this or remember I will feel bad, or my heart rate will be bad.” Therefore I think this is a fact or real and I get anxiety or feel bad. Then OCD wins again. Couldn’t do much last night and woke up about 20+ times because of all this last night. What do I do?
I can’t remember! I wanna cry!
@Perfect Imperfectionist Sometimes complusions do that my friend. Remember to breathe.
@Overcomer I’m really irritated with trying to remember what the heck the compulsion was about. Then I’m worried I’ll never remember. What if that makes me feel bad. Ugh!
I feel like a really terrible person right now, I keep replaying this, and no matter what I can’t remember what happened, it’s like my brain is purposely not letting me think about it. Without wasting any more time, I’ll get into it. Basically, I was at Walmart, and looking at cards with My Dad, I saw anime ones, took pictures of them for my sister, even ones that were anime kids, because I did my best to ignore it, so I looked at a Hunter x Hunter card, I stared at the black haired kid, being all like “ I’m glad I’m not having any thoughts about this, I’m glad I’m having normal thoughts and not thinking anything” I felt happy, then as soon as I looked at killua (white haired kid), everything collapsed. I don’t know what happened, my brain won’t let me remember. But I’ll give bits and pieces. I think that I had false attraction, and something in my head, said “oh, I wouldn’t mind being attracted.” “He is attractive, and I’m attracted to him.” “I remember a girl thinking he is attractive and he is” “ It’s not wrong to be attracted” “ I don’t care about his age” .. something along the lines of that, and now I’m panicking super hard, because I’m worried if I said those things, I feel like I ruined my life that I’m a pe//do and deserve nothing, idk what to do, I feel terrible… I remember when I was having the intrusive thoughts, I was panicking and was worrying, but it kept playing out, and I kept hearing things talk, it was drawn out too long, that now I feel convinced that I was saying those things, I tested it too, and I can confirm that I didn’t say that, but why am I still not convinced? I know I wouldn’t say those things, I was hoping the complete opposite would happen. My brain kept making me feel like it wasn’t wrong and it was okay. Maybe that’s why I’m so convinced I did that. I’m just spiraling super bad right now, I don’t know what to do or what to think, I don’t know if I said that or not… even if I did test it, I genuinely just feel like I said it, and I wanted it, because I still feel uncertain, I still feel like I said it, part of me just wants to be like oh I did and so I can move on, not because I agree with it, I just don’t know what else to do… I’m really scared.
I want to rip out my uterus. Only my hormones can make my OCD and ability to manage it go back to square one. I am spiraling *so* hard. I cannot breathe. My PMDD is going crazy. I’m having a panic attack again. I feel so scared. The POCD is going absolutely insane right now. It feels undeniably real, and my mind keeps drifting to those awful thoughts and what feels like exploring them?? but I can’t for the life of me stop some of these compulsions right now. I was trying to watch something to get my mind off of this but ended up getting triggered twice, so my anxiety is a 10 and I can’t seem to calm down. This panic attack is tuned all the way up.
PLEASEEE READ!! I know this sounds ridiculous but lately I’ve been soo hyperfocused on my breathing. I feel like I’m not breathing right/properly, it’s hard to explain.. it just feels wrong or like my breathing pattern is wrong. How that’s possible? I have no clue. I’ve had this all day. Has anyone ever experienced this?? My doctor keeps saying anxiety but I just feel like something isn’t right.
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