My story with (R)OCD

Heyy, I am new here and just wanted to share my story. I hope it will help, because I’ve been feeling very anxious for the last couple of weeks. Maybe someone with (R)OCD can relate. I’ve been with my amazing boyfriend for about 9 months now and things are going up and down. At least, that’s what I think. When we were together for 2 months, I started having doubts about our relationship. And whenever I was doubting, I started to have a panic attack. It usually felt like I didn’t know him, or myself anymore and everything started to get blurry. I felt this huge pressure behind my eyes and in my throat. I wanted to be honest with my boyfriend and confessed everything to him. We decided to see me therapist together. My therapist is great. She has been helping me a lot. I am seeing her because about 2 years ago, my previous boyfriend died of lung-cancer. It was very sudden and I felt traumatized by it. My therapist really helped me with that, until my dog started to show some symptoms of getting sick. I started obsessing about her health and how I should cure her (I am a veterinary student, so I know a lot of diseases haha). This gave me so much stress, that I started to have thoughts that told me to hurt her and that I didn’t love her anymore. It was just a dog. This really scared me and I had sleepless nights. My therapist told me that this was probably Harm OCD, but didn’t really know how to help me with that. But then, my worst fear actually happend. My dog got cancer. Luckily, she is still here, but from that moment, my thoughts disappeared and I felt free. A month later, I met my boyfriend and I thought: Now my life begins. But it’s like my thoughts kind of jumped over on him. It’s exactly the same: “I’m not sure if I really love him. He is just a boy.” And the hurting changed into the urge to break up. But every time I get close to that or he mentions something about a break-up, I start to cry and hold him so closely, because I don’t want to loose him… Back to my therapist. She thought I did want to break up and said we should have a time-out. We listened, and it was one of the worst weeks ever. I went from: yeah we should break up, to maybe we can work this out. But because of the stress, I told him I wanted to break up after our time-out. And then he said: before you do that, let me show you this: He told my about ROCD and all its symptoms. I answered all the questions about if you have ROCD with a yes and everything, also looking at the thoughts about my dog, fear of contamination and all the other stuff from my childhood, just fell into place. I knew I had it and wanted to work on it. I started to listen to podcast, read a book about it and trying to explain to my therapist that this was the real problem I was dealing with. She finally believes me, but even that is not enough for my ROCD. I still have so many thoughts about our relationship and breaking up, and every time it feels different. Like my OCD wants to do everything to make me break up with him. Same thing happened last friday. I felt so real to me…. But he made me see, again, that this could be OCD. So we talked all night about random stuff, went to sleep, had breakfast together and had an amazing day together where I really felt like his girlfriend and just wanted to be around him, hold his hand, laugh with him and have sex with him. Everything was okay! Until we got on a very busy train with to many people and thoughts just jumped back in. This happens every time: I feel terrible, I feel good, I feel miserable, I feel amazing. If I really want to break up, why do I enjoy spending time with him so much? Haha, I was about to type: Why do I love him so much? And my brain went like: HAHA do you reaaallyyy though? Relatable? I really want to see a therapist and I found one, but the first step just seems so hard to take… Anyway, thanks for giving me space to tell my story and maybe someone can relate to this. :)

NS1234

Date posted: 2y

I relate to this so much. I’m going through it right now , I’m so scared so so so scared. This has happened before but it feels more different than ever. I’m never going to be okay or feel that love again. It’s all gone , I’m gone forever

Anonymous

Date posted: 2y

so relatable, you’re not alone!

Beth172

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 2y

I relate to this so much. You’re not alone

Mariabae

Date posted: 15w

please, i need someones help. sorry for long post

Hi everyone. I’m really struggling and I need to let it all out. I’ve been dealing with ROCD (or what I think is ROCD) for a long time, and I feel like I’m at my breaking point. I’m in a loving relationship with a boyfriend who is kind, understanding, and patient. But ever since I started reading a lot online, googling symptoms, talking to AI like ChatGPT, searching for reassurance, things have gotten worse and worse. And now… I feel completely disconnected from my feelings. I don’t know what’s real anymore. My boyfriend told me that he believes I’ve convinced myself that I have something that needs to be treated, and that all this constant researching is making me feel worse. And honestly, I think he’s right. Before I fell into this cycle, I could be more intimate with him. I used to say “I love you,” I used to feel warmth. Now I don’t say it anymore. I haven’t in a long time. And it hurts him. And I know I’m hurting him, and that makes it even worse. He also said that maybe I’m having these obsessive thoughts because I don’t have a daily purpose, that I need to get occupied, to stop being consumed by this. And others in my life have told me the same. He even suggested taking a break from each other for a week, just to give me space. But I’m terrified of that. I’m scared that the thing I fear most will become “the truth.” I’m scared I’ll feel relief, and that will mean everything I fear is real. But he told me that if I don’t want the break, maybe it means I still care. Still love. Still want this. The problem is, I don’t know anymore. And that’s what’s killing me. I’ve also had a psychologist who told me that just because I feel guilt or “care,” it doesn’t necessarily mean I like him — and that sent me spiraling. She said that maybe I care about people in general, but it doesn’t mean I love him. And it made me feel like I’m just lying to myself. That maybe I’m holding on out of obligation, or because I set in my head that I “have to be with him.” And even when he tells me beautiful things — logical things — things that SHOULD make me feel safe and seen… I don’t feel better. I just feel more empty. And then I start spiraling again: “If this doesn’t help me feel better, then something must be wrong.” “What if I’m just pretending?” “What if I’ve been lying to myself all along?” I feel like there’s something wrong inside of me. Like no matter what anyone says, or how much love I’m given, I can’t feel it. I just want to know what to do. I want someone to tell me what this is. I want to stop feeling like I’m running after a version of myself that used to feel, used to love, used to be calm. I don’t know if this is ROCD or if I’m just slowly facing a truth I’ve been afraid to accept. Please, if anyone has felt this way, I need to hear that I’m not alone. And if you’ve come out the other side… how? My relationship is perfect and he is perfect, i just deal with this and i am far from happy.

mindofzara

Date posted: 12w

ROCD pains

Hi all, I’m quite new to the whole ROCD thing as I was just diagnosed after years of thinking I just “wasn’t meant for love/dating” because of how horribly I would spiral into a depressive, extremely dread-filled and horrifically anxious state of mind and immediately cut it off during the talking stage with guys. After breaking up with a guy who I truly liked and cared for TWICE, I was finally diagnosed with OCD and it all really makes sense now. It feels weird trying to explain it to others though… I don’t know if I’m alone in these feelings, but it feels like every time I start talking to a guy—usually after the first date but the worries are extreme even in the beginning when I perceive that they are starting to like me—I end up in this major depressive episode where I don’t feel real or like myself, I can’t take care of myself, I’m either hysterically crying or I feel numb, I feel completely trapped (even if we’re not officially dating yet), I question everything in case I’m missing a red flag of some kind or some hint that this person isn’t right for me (even with simple things like a guy giving me flowers, I end up thinking “is this moving too fast? Is he being weird? Is this love bombing? What if he has an ulterior motive? Why did he really give me these?” when logically I know it’s probably nothing) I feel like I’m always looking for evidence to see if they are secretly weird, if we aren’t compatible (always “casually” ask them to take the Myers-Briggs Personality Test to try to find out as much information as humanly possible right off the bat due to fear of being stuck with them only after realizing their real personality) It then typically escalates to a point where I never want to check my phone in fear that they texted me, I feel smothered from any communication, I wish for them to break up/break it off with me, the thought of them just icks me out and almost disgusts me, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t stomach going out with friends or family of theirs, and I usually need to introduce 24/7 drugs of some kind (weed and nicotine) to my daily routine to cope with the feelings/use it to eat something because I can’t eat when I’m with them/due to the anxiety around dating them. With the man I just broke up with FOR THE SECOND TIME AFTER A WEEK OF DATING, it had gotten to a point—as it always does—where the pain of trying to be with them is greater than my appreciation for them. I might smile at my phone when they text me and be full of joy around them, but the portion of time when I’m NOT around them and left to just think about the relationship or observing how they are behaving rather than being in the moment is just too much. Once I break it off though, it feels like a bag has been lifted over my head and I’m finally back to my normal self. I usually need a couple days to emotionally recover, and then I’m up and cleaning my home, taking care of myself, and back to making plans with others. I feel lonely then and might miss them, but I know it’s just not fair to ANYONE right now to date someone like me. Is this relatable? Do I sound crazy? - Z

Relationship OCD

Pandora_2003

Date posted: 6w

my experience

i have always been a pretty doubtful and overthinking person all my life, but i have never had bad ocd until something happened in my current relationship i met my boyfriend senior year of highschool, we started off as friends first but then would text all night and found out we have a lot in common, he still lived at his parents house at the time, i'd go over to his or he'd come over to mine sometimes, your typical teen romance story, my rocd didn't start acting up till we started getting serious fast forward to when i started working at my old job and met this guy who pretty much love bombed me, i didn't know it at the time, and so i lost myself during that time trying to balance everyone's feelings, i ended up hurting my current boyfriend really badly and ever since ive had raging rocd, every second of every day i cut this guy off and me and my boyfriend are still together, working it out, and then two christmases ago he gets kicked out of his house, and starts living with me and my family, a huge change i wasn't ready for but it happened my family loves my boyfriend, everyone i've ever introduced him to also does, he truly is an angel, he's so sweet and good to me, i've met all his friends and he's met mine, i could picture a life with him, but currently my rocd is too much to bear, id be better alone but im so deep in this now it's crippling, i can't hangout with my friends without rocd, cant wake up without rocd, cant think of anything without rocd, i cant eat or sleep, life feels like it's no longer real, the relief of breaking up with my boyfriend would free me, but i cant bring myself to, ive tried multiple times, i might just be a coward because i dont want to hurt him again, i dont want to lose him, but ive lost myself, this rocd is driving me insane lets say I break up with my boyfriend, he already got kicked out of his old house and I do not want him to have to feel like he's got to be kicked out again, this is his home now and I just couldn't do that to him, my family would lose someone they see as a son, and I would have to watch him move his stuff which would make me so sad because I care so much for him, I would even move out just so he doesn't have to the thing is I really can't put myself through this anymore, I have to put myself first or this will kill me, idk what to do maybe i could talk to him about how bad my ocd is, tell him that i really have tried to push through but i need a break, maybe we could be friends and work it out? i hope so

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