My grandma is dying right now and with my ocd is like obsessed with her dying it’s like a part of me wants her to die. But I don’t want her to do! I hate ocd

This is heartbreaking and I understand 1000 percent what you’re going through. My grandma died a year ago. I loved her dearly. We used to be super close when I was younger. When she got older due to dementia and loss of people she loved she changed. My OCD made/makes me incredibly irritable and my patience incredibly thin. It’s hard for me to be around people for long periods of time, especially if they irritate me. Which she did since she was getting loopy and mean. When she was dying I felt like a part of me wanted it to just get over with. Then when she died it was the most devastating loss I have ever felt. I didn’t know it could hurt that bad, and I had lost people before. But within a month I felt like I was glad she was gone. I couldn’t even grieve properly because of the constant thoughts of “I’m glad she’s dead.” And now, I don’t even think about her Because I don’t want those thoughts to occur, but then this reinforces the thought that I don’t care because I’m not thinking about her. OCD is a bitch. Listen to me, ignore your brain right now, you don’t want her to die. I know it and you know it too. And some day you will realize that fully. However now, don’t try and push the thought away because that will only make it more angry (like I said OCD is a bitch) let the thought pass and think “okay that was a stupid thought oh well” don’t distance yourself from her at this time. Be with her so in the end you can say you did all you could do at this moment in your life. Wishing you love and your grandmother a peaceful passing. Philippians 1:21 For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. ?

Ocd makes you feel like you want stuff you don’t want , it’s weird but it’ll be alright , sending good thoughts to your grandma :/

Thanks sm?that really helped I’m sorry for your loss! I just don’t want her to go I just have this feeling inside of me that I know it is soon like their is this part of me that knows it’s coming in the next few weeks/days/months and I hate to think that because she has been their all my life and when I was younger I never really wanted to hang with her and now that when I got older I found respect for her I really truly don’t want her to go!

Thank you??

Thanks ?

I understand that completely!

I wanna say it’ll be okay, but that’s reassurance :/ just know your not alone and ocd tries to trick you