I know I’m pansexual. I was raised in a very strict and homophobic environment. Didn’t know that bisexuality could exist until I was nearly sixteen. I’m 21. Still feel like I have to “choose a side”. My partner is non-binary — clearly I haven’t chosen a side 🤣 but god I hate these thoughts. I hate that I overthink every aspect of my relationship. That I can’t simply enjoy my love, my life. I want to be okay again — I was for five years. Before the thoughts started again, the constant pressing, all consuming anxiety. I’m so fucking depressed. I only feel okay when I’m warm and have a substance in me. Which then makes me panic that I’m becoming an alcoholic or pothead, even though I don’t exceed two drinks or 5mg a night. I just want to be okay again. God, I wish I was okay again. I can’t even smile for photos without it being obvious I’m lying. That I’m not fine. That I want this part to be over. I want to live, I want to smile. I want to go on trips, go to work, go to sleep without dreading what the next day brings. Will I ever get there? I don’t know. And that kills me.