Struggling with Harm OCD: How did others find relief and fulfillment?

@Jesse M. Hi currently have that theme and just curious is you overcame it & how ? I pray for healing for us all ! I haven’t been diagnosed but I’ve always been terrified of dying and leaving my kids and my husband behind and before this I was scared of dying from a heart attack and dying in my sleep and had a panic attack called the ambulance and then a few weeks later an image popped into my head of my cutting my throat and then led to “s” thoughts and I’ve been dealing with it since may . Just looking for advice on how to beat this and not let it beat me ! I don’t wanna go out this way 😭😭😭

@JesseBear Could you provide some types of thoughts you have during ERP? I feel like I’m white knuckling my way through and not accepting uncertainty. I feel like my family’s safety is up to date! So so hard!

@Overworried My thoughts are pretty gruesome, but what is best for you to do is script it out. Write it out, worst case scenario I'd say. Once your anxiety is gone with your thoughts, it's very scary. But my thoughts are like what if I lose my mind and kill someone or go on a killing spree. Sometimes they are not even what ifs, their straight forward. But you get used to them.

+1 on journaling, and +1 on finding a positive self-label that works for you. "In recovery" is great for me. "Jesse 2.0" is another label I like.

Hey no problem, trust me I am still struggling but managing a lot better. Mine went from suicide ocd to harm, so yeah erp works great. I hope you find peace!

@JesseBear Mine went from suicide OCD to harm OCD as well. I’m happy to hear you’re doing a lot better with it compared to before!

@Kenzie Madison It's so weird, I can't believe we are going through this. But hey, we have our ERP tools down packed which matters the most.

@JesseBear Exactly. The exposures can be extremely difficult at times, though. I’ve only been doing them for around 2 weeks so I expect they’re going to be more difficult right now compared to later on, once I’m more used to doing them.

@JesseBear When did OCD first manifest for you, if you don’t mind me asking?

@Kenzie Madison It was very weird, so I hit the back of my head at work not real bad but I kept worrying and worrying and worrying about it. I was a hypochondriac before hand but this time I kept thinking did I develop something else from hitting my head, I even went to the doctors. I kept Google searching, worrying about my right eye then because of my vision, etc. Then one day at work, I had this very vivid image of my killing myself and when I snapped out of it. I had full on anxiety which lead to non stop thoughts of suicide, etc. I even told my mom, I think I need to go to a psychiatric hospital. Hiding knives and such, waking up in the middle of the night with thoughts and anxiety. It was so bad.

@JesseBear This is interesting to me. I was hit in the back of the head at work in May 2021, and my anxiety symptoms kept growing until April 2022 when I had to stop working. In July 2022 I was diagnosed after having intrusive thoughts for 2 months that terrified me. I really didn't know if I'd make it. I wonder if head trauma is a common precursor

@Jesse M. That is fairly interesting, it does seem that way. To be a stresser afterwards and leading it onto OCD. I'm not as bad anymore but the thoughts are still there just no anxiety. I found it interesting though, did you tend to worry about your head injury a lot afterwards?

@JesseBear I did worry. I also kept aggravating it by running and biking before I was recovered. And it kept me from sleeping well.

@Jesse M. See, it's scary! I just wonder if I had it before hand without knowing but I felt fine before.

@JesseBear That’s interesting, I can see how the OCD latched onto that. I had a similar experience where I had a very strange mood crash back in late July (likely due to new medication), and I had sudden suicidal thoughts. It freaked me out hugely since I definitely wasn’t suicidal, which turned into me reading way into the thought/thoughts, hiding knives etc. It started out as suicidal OCD primarily and was like that for around 2 months, then it switched to Harm OCD. It’s like my brain went “Well if you have these issues with thinking you might harm yourself against your own will, why couldn’t that extend out to others?” This subtype is truly awful.

@Kenzie Madison This is really interesting! I had the reverse where I started out with harm OCD and then got support. Part of that was medication. I got really worried about the possibility of medication causing suicidal thoughts. My OCD latched on to that. So I had and still have a combination of the two but suicidal came after harm. I'm still worried about depression and my OCD latches on to that frequently, especially in this context.

@Kenzie Madison Yes yes yes! How weird how we started off similar. But I agree, it's funny because I always put people before me and now it's like, UMMMMM ?!?!

@Jesse M. That is so strange, has me more curious about how this process is/works.

@Kenzie Madison Hi curious how you are doing ? This is currently what I struggle with and it’s difficult . When it’s my time of the month recently I get depressed because of these thoughts and thoughts run through my head like “I wanna give up “ “I can’t do this” and then my anxiety goes through the roof and the “s” thoughts start flooding in . Did you get past this and how ? Mines been since may , I haven’t been diagnosed but family members on my dads side have ocd so I’d assume I do to or just really bad anxiety , which I know causes intrusive thoughts too . Anyways any insights would be greatly appreciated ❤️‍🩹