ocd and abuse - advice?

I feel like I may have been emotional abusive towards my partner. I read an article about emotional abuse and I feel like I fall into some of the categories. I am hyper-critical - always trying to make sure my partner is morally okay, and judging them otherwise (it always feels like a compulsion). I am controlling- always feel an overwhelming need to check what my partner is doing, watching, following- this also feels like a compulsion and makes my partner feel micromanaged. I also invade privacy in the process of checking those things. I am also overtly jealous, I am always on edge and distrust all of my partner’s female friends/get incredibly anxious when they hang out or hug or sit close to each other. This is all so horrible, and I panic about it every once in a while and have tried to work on these behaviors in therapy but the thought that I am abusive is so scary and horrible. These behaviors feel like ocd, and i don’t mean to cause harm, i feel genuine anxiety and an urge to prevent myself from being hurt. But that doesn’t mean it’s not harmful because it truly is. I try to validate my partner feelings and recognize the harm I cause but I don’t know what to do.

chloeisapenguin

Date posted: 2y

i do not have all the same compulsions but i am also very jealous and i allow my thoughts and fears to consume me at times. i do struggle with always wanting my partner to apologize “correctly” and over small things. he can say sorry, but i respond with “why are you sorry?” like i’m a parent. ugh. its definitely a compulsion. i’m sorry youre experiencing this.

chloeisapenguin

Date posted: 2y

@chloeisapenguin to clarify—i say “why are you sorry?” because i do not trust that he means it and he thinks that i’m crazy so he’s just apologizing to get me to leave him alone.

atardecer

Date posted: 2y

@chloeisapenguin I do the same thing!! I’m so nit picky with language and want my partner to be specific with apologies as well. I don’t do it to cause harm, in the moment it really feels urgent and necessary for the sake of my anxiety and protection. It truly is horrible and so hard to figure out how to control it.

atardecer

Date posted: 2y

@chloeisapenguin I do the SAME I question if my partner is genuine all the time, any little difference in words makes me question whether they care or understand what they did wrong.

chloeisapenguin

Date posted: 2y

@atardecer i’m so grateful someone understands. how should we work on this? 😅 i’ve been trying for so long now. i am glad i found a community at least. i want to trust that my partner loves me and wants me to be happy. but when im not feeling compulsive, all i want is to ignore my own issues and just give the poor guy a break. i love him more than anything and i want to make him as happy as he makes me even though he probably doesn’t realize how awesome he is because i’m so picky.

atardecer

Date posted: 2y

@chloeisapenguin I have no idea, my therapist helps me come up with coping strategies but I don’t know how to not feel these urges and distrust and anxieties. It feels impossible most of the time. I also really love my partner and want to make them happy, but my actions make my partner feel constantly judged and drained. I’m going to talk to my therapist about this again tomorrow to see where to go from here.

chloeisapenguin

Date posted: 2y

@atardecer Could you try to keep me in the loop? I haven’t started therapy yet but I really want to get better :(

atardecer

Date posted: 2y

@chloeisapenguin I definitely will do! I’ll comment on here (:

Buddyfriend

Date posted: 25w

I’m scared of being an abusive partner.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? I’m graduating from college soon and i have been so stressed about finding a job, signing a lease for an apartment, college ending, I have an ungodly amount of assignments to do, I have a tumultuous relationship with my mother that has recently blown up again, and so much more. I am just so overwhelmed, I snapped at my boyfriend last night. I immediately apologized but i still feel awful. One of my biggest fears is being an abusive partner and i feel like this confirms that I am one. My best friend was also there and he saw me snap at my boyfriend and I’m scared he thinks I’m awful too. He saw me apologize so maybe that makes him think differently, but i can’t know for sure. The logical side of me tells me it’s not that deep, i apologized, and it’s time to move on. But i feel like i need to apologize to my best friend too to make sure he doesn’t think im terrible, but i know thats reassurance seeking. The ocd in me is punishing myself and refusing to move on.

Perfectionism OCD

ashazalia

Date posted: 23w

Relationship issues?

Does anyone know how can you determine ROCD compulsive thoughts vs actual relationship issues necessary to bring up? I’ve been in multiple abusive relationships in the past and I don’t want to go through that again. I’ve been with my partner for 3 years, we’re both mentally ill and we’ve hurt each other a lot over the years. I have some trauma due to their alcoholism, but I want to still be there for her. However my head is constantly telling me that whenever they’re gone I’m worried they’re drinking and cheating, trying to harm themself, planning on harming me or they’re gonna die if im not basically with them 24/7. Even when I want time to myself I force myself to be with them sometimes out of fear. I see them do/say something that might suggest these things (following a new girl, ignoring my texts while they’re out, raising their voice at me etc.) and I’m even more convinced and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know what is a suspicion I SHOULD bring up to them, and what is just a compulsive thought. :( How do I determine that?

Horrorjunkie

Date posted: 17w

ROCD about abuse

Is anyone else struggling with the “What if my partner is abusive?” I have been obsessing over this for 3 weeks. My brain is on overdrive trying to recall every incident within our relationship to determine if it was abusive behavior. My partner is not perfect but I truly don’t believe he is abusive. There are three incidents that I have been obsessing over and my brain tries to tell me it is abuse and I need to leave. First incident - I accused him of smoking cigarettes with my friends and he grabbed my arm not in an aggressive manner but more of let’s go over to your friends so they can tell you I wasn’t smoking. Other Incidents - We’ve had stupid arguments and he tried to make me laugh by playfully manhandling me or kissing me. This has happened about 3 times. It is playful and never physically hurt me but I get triggered. I start asking myself questions like was that too rough? Was he being abusive? Was he trying to intimidate me? Is this how abuse starts? Did he do something abusive but I’m in denial? Am I overacting to normal behavior in playful relationships? Am I gaslighting myself into believing he isn’t abusive? These questions are driving me crazy. I do not feel scared of my boyfriend and I trust him. I have talked to him about all this and he listens and has stopped the behavior that triggered me. I even found a list of abusive behavior on Google and we went through it together. I keep brining it up and it is causing a strain in our relationship. He doesn’t even want to touch me anymore.

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ocd and abuse - advice?

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