My boyfriend resents me for what I put him through after I lost my job. I would lash out in his company accommodation and have melt downs, plus a few drunk meltdowns in public. I had gotten off my meds and was living abroad so when I lost my job I just lost it. The calm person he used to be turned into a monster. Now he lashes out at me. When I bought up his ex once while he was mad he even said she looks much much better than me. He told me he didn’t mean it and it was for revenge but it replays over in my head. He was packing and leaving the apartment once and I had no money I didn’t know when he would be back. I tried to hold him and he couldn’t hit me so he spit on me so he could leave for some space. He gave me the world and after what I’ve done he’s so bitter. He sent me home for a few months while he travels for work. He says we will work on our issues but I seem to be getting all the blame and he says he’s a reaction to my actions. Idk how to get the same guy back or prevent myself from resenting him after all said and done.

First of all: You are not responsible for his actions. We are all responsible for ourselves. These are two separate issues. You need to take responsibility for how you’re acting by getting professional help, making amends when possible, and being better moving forward. He needs to do the same. For his part: Re read what you wrote: he’s emotionally abusive, he abandons you, he spits on you. This isn’t a nice guy. And you weren’t the cause of his not-nice-ness. He’s showing you who he is. Listen. For your part: deal with the drinking problem, your own anger issues, your mismanagement of meds, and when someone says they need space: respect that. Don’t physically restrain someone, ever. Unless they’re in immediate physical danger to themselves or others. His issues are his issues. Yours are yours. You can take responsibility for yourself (and should!) but you cannot and should not take responsibility for how he’s treating you now.

You can love him and have compassion for him and still leave. You treated him poorly, okay. Many people are treated poorly without becoming emotionally abusive or abandoning those they care about or spitting. You can have compassion for how he’s feeling and still know that all of this is unacceptable. You can’t help him or make him get help. In relationships, we’re both responsible for our own mental health.

Have you read about the various attachments styles people have and the effects on love? Look up anxious-avoidant relationships. Sounds like you’re in one. https://youtu.be/OYoIVCHVwKI

Sounds like you are abusive, too. And that’s good to acknowledge and start working on. It still doesn’t excuse his abuse. Again, these are separate issues. Take responsibility for your own actions: get help, get better. That’s all you can/should do. Unless this guy is ready to do the same, right now, leave him. He’s not a good guy. And you aren’t responsible for that.

Well I can tell you one thing for sure: your past does not make you unlovable. But being an abusive partner who doesn’t take responsibility for their actions or own mental health may. I’d recommend reading “Self-compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself” by Kristin Neff. You need to start getting your self worth from yourself and that starts with being a hell of a lot nicer to yourself. Stop worrying about what men will think for now and start exploring what YOU think. And get off those stupid forums — those guys are tools.

If it helps at all: of all the things you told me today, the sugar dating sight was the least concerning. Give yourself a little slack here.

i agree 100% with pureolife. you need to leave; this person doesn’t sound safe or healthy to be around

I’m sorry you didn’t grow up with a good male figure in your life or a positive example of how relationships should work. It makes sense that you’ve struggled to form a positive relationship yourself. But that doesn’t mean you can’t. Leave this guy because he’s not owning up or taking responsibility or getting help. But YOU can and should do all those things. With a partner who also wants to do them.

Thank you so much for your responses pureolife. You’re so kind and helpful. I will look into that book and have a serious talk with my boyfriend about working on ourselves. A lot of my real event ocd focuses on that sugar dating site and I have agoraphobia now for fear of running into the two men I met on that site. When my boyfriend sent me home to New York for a few months from Dubai, all these feelings came back and I barely leave my house (but I’m also broke that’s why). I can’t believe the difference between being on my meds and off of them.

One of the sugar “daddies” got me drunk and took me to the basement of the bar to receive sexual favors, but spoke to me for months and promised a dating relationship. Later on he messaged me saying remember when u did this? When I confronted him not paying or dating he called me a whore and blocked me. Now I have obsessions I am caught on camera in that basement bar and this was 3 years ago. He was a regular at the bar so I guess they let him go down there with girls. I would never wish this experience on any women. Real event ocd really gets triggered with this memory and worrying about the worst case scenario (if there were cameras, being blackmailed one day, etc)

I know you probably can’t afford therapy right now in your situation but do look into some books on pure ocd. I think they will help. Good luck!

I have apologized many times and I think other fights happened because of the way he was punishing me. He would be so cold and I am now walking on eggshells. Last week he got mad over something small and needed this week to have some space. Whenever I bring up something he’s done wrong he says I keep saying we should break up but u are the only one holding on. Then he doesn’t end up breaking up and says he loves me. I’m going nuts!

@pureolife I’m aware of all of this but I still stay because I love him and am trying to have compassion. He said no girl ever treated him half as bad as I did and he doesn’t know how to react. He respected me so much before I started the disrespect. He deals with issues by shutting down and it made me go nuts because he leaves me in suspense. I wish I could get help with therapy and medication but I have no money. I lost my job and was in a foreign country.

Before his spitting I had thrown a flip flop at him and when I was drunk I threw my shoe. I think all this built up over time and I didn’t blame him. Part of me knows it’s toxic but I also struggle with self esteem and thinking no one will love me because of my past. I didn’t mean to hurt him at all. I was battling something within me and lashing out at whoever was around me. It’s hard not to think of myself as abusive as well.

I have a narcissist father who is emotionally abusive and all I saw growing up was yelling and conflict. My boyfriend came from a very quiet place. All this made me realize how much my childhood has affected me in my relationships. I think my boyfriend also realizes what’s happening to his behavior and always tries to break up for that reason. He just doesn’t own up to it and apologize to me.

How do I get over the fear of not being loved because of my past? Ever since I tried a sugar baby dating site a few years ago to help pay off my debt, my self esteem and regret had hit an all time low. I was taken advantage of on that site because I was naive and innocent, and i am traumatized. I googled what guys would accept from a girl’s past and a lot of forums have guys saying they would never done a girl who has done what I’ve done. I feel so hopeless.